yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 People tell me sometimes that it is my self esteem issues that cause me to be paranoid about someone running around behind my back lieing and what not. But I see perfectly confident capable people given the run around as well. These are also the people who don't find out (if ever) what was going on behind there back because they weren't paying attention or investigating...because they have so much self esteem? PLease Comment
Blamed0 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I'm not precisely sure what you mean. But. If you find out that your girlfriend has been doing things behind your back, you shouldn't backfire with arguments and flaming. You should either first investigate whats going on behind your back, or confront her, because you don't really know if she has an explanation or not. But if she lies, you quite have the right to flip out on her, and not talking to her for a few days or so. She should, after a while respond to it, and either appologise, or whatever.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 What I mean if you have self esteem or no self esteem people are gonna still gopng cheat and lie to you.
Blamed0 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 In some cases yes. It still depends on the girl.
tanbark813 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I know what you mean and I've had that mindset in the past myself. At the time I (foolishly) thought that if I were vigilant enough I could prevent it from happening. It was sort of a pro-active defense mechanism. But no matter how much you try to prevent it, if someone is going to cheat on you, then they're going to cheat on you. It can happen for any number of reasons. And it may or may not have something to do with how you're handling the relationship. It's all a matter of coming to terms with the fact that there's nothing you can do to prevent being cheated on, short of being a good partner and you should be doing that anyway. You also have to have faith in that you will find out sooner or later if someone is cheating on you, even if you're not being hypervigilant. Some of that faith comes with just getting relationship experience under your belt and being able to pick up on warning signs early on. Listen to your gut. People get gut feelings about situations for a reason. Lastly, do you really want to be in a relationship where you're constantly having to check up on the other person? It's not worth it. It's too time- and energy-consuming and it can't be much of a relationship if you feel the need to anyway. If the person is shady and you feel the need to monitor their actions, well then why are you with a person like that to begin with? (This is part of the self-esteem issue: if you valued yourself more, you wouldn't allow yourself to be with someone like that.) And if the person is of good character, then there's no need to be monitoring their actions anyway. Only commit yourself to someone you think can be trusted. You could get on a plane tomorrow, crash, and die. You can't prevent it if that's what's going to happen and if you waste all your energy worrying about the turbulence you'll be too distracted to enjoy the view of the clouds.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I've had experiences where I've given girls space and boundaries and they cheated because they didn't think i cared what they did. I've showered girls with love and attention they saw it as smothering backed off and cheated. Now I don't trust any of them. Sometimes I don't trust the ones I should trust. I think my guts radar is damaged.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I've also had girls with good charecter turn out to be tramps. I'v had girls think I was being shady and a scumbbag just because thats how they were treated in the past. so now what?
tanbark813 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I've also had girls with good charecter turn out to be tramps. You mean you thought they had good character. Tramps, by definition, are precluded from having good character. so now what? You look for better girls.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 I don't understand how the word preclude applies to that sentence. And as far as finding better girls they are mostly worse then men nowadays
SouthernT Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I've had experiences where I've given girls space and boundaries and they cheated because they didn't think i cared what they did. I've showered girls with love and attention they saw it as smothering backed off and cheated. Now I don't trust any of them. Sometimes I don't trust the ones I should trust. I think my guts radar is damaged. I've also had girls with good charecter turn out to be tramps. I'v had girls think I was being shady and a scumbbag just because thats how they were treated in the past. so now what? Well that is probably because of a cycle of change that's going on inside of everybody. For example, you stated that you've had girls tell you that you didnt give enough attention and so what did you do with the next girl? You gave more attention, and when that didnt work? You tried something new. Well, the same thing goes for girls. We might smoother a guy until we push him away. Then we learn not to do it with the next guy. Well when we dont do it with the next guy, then HE thinks that we dont care. Same thing for the nice girls that you date that turn out to be tramps. They tried the "nice girl" approach and it did not bring them the desired resluts that they wanted, so they tried something new during the next round of guys. Me for example, I tried the "no pressure" "gave space" attitude with a guy and ended up in a world of hurt. So now....the next guy, wont have it that way. Simple: CAUSE & EFFECT.
tanbark813 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 I don't understand how the word preclude applies to that sentence. If they're tramps then they can't possibly have good character.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 OK cause and effect but what a vicious cycle is there no end to this?
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Yes but they can portray good charecter. trust some of them are really good at this. better then guys
tanbark813 Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 Yes but they can portray good charecter. trust some of them are really good at this. better then guys You're preaching to the choir, my friend.
jcster Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 You could get on a plane tomorrow, crash, and die. You can't prevent it if that's what's going to happen and if you waste all your energy worrying about the turbulence you'll be too distracted to enjoy the view of the clouds. Really well put. I've seen tons of guys (and a few women) who spent nearly all of their energy trying to prevent, as they call it, "being made a fool of." What ends up happening is that their life becomes a joyless existence comprised largely of examining every comment and action of those around them for a hint of dishonesty. They drive people away in order to feel safe. Like Tanbark said, "But no matter how much you try to prevent it, if someone is going to cheat on you, then they're going to cheat on you." That also goes for lying, cheating and stealing too. All you can do is follow your gut. Don't let your life be driven by fear of what might happen.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 Well said so in the end it has nothing to do with self esteem. Just enjoy the ride. And just don't worry about being made a fool of?
SouthernT Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 OK cause and effect but what a vicious cycle is there no end to this? It doesnt end. It's called trial and error. It's called learning and growing until you either try to perfect yourself in vain. Or......simply learn more about YOUR needs and wants and learn to be comfortable in your OWN skin. And whoever doesnt like it......then Tough Titty said the Kitty.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 what about being made a fool of?
SouthernT Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 You could get on a plane tomorrow, crash, and die. You can't prevent it if that's what's going to happen and if you waste all your energy worrying about the turbulence you'll be too distracted to enjoy the view of the clouds. Well said Tan.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 sometimes i worry about diseases though. and condoms don't protect against warts and herpes. Is there such thing as worrying about this to much?
SouthernT Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 sometimes i worry about diseases though. and condoms don't protect against warts and herpes. Is there such thing as worrying about this to much? Ok....so be honest about needing to have peace of mind and approach the situation in an adult fashion and simply express that you would like for the two of you to go and get tested together so that neither of you have anything to worry about. FEAR is a very crippling thing. I am experiencing this myself currently. It keeps you from enjoying and living life.
Author yippkiyay Posted October 22, 2007 Author Posted October 22, 2007 You make it sound a little simplar then it is. Ask a girl i just started sleeping with to get tested and stay away from other people. What if get in a relationship and she cheats after the test?
SouthernT Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 You make it sound a little simplar then it is. Ask a girl i just started sleeping with to get tested and stay away from other people. What if get in a relationship and she cheats after the test? That goes back to what Tanbark said, YOU cant controll EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY. All you can do is take it slow and try to pick a better girl. Her true character will come out eventually. Golden Rule : PATIENCE IS THE WEAPON THAT FORCES DECEIT TO REVEAL ITSELF. If you don't trust her yet, then dont sleep with her. What I've learned about love and relationships is that it's always a risk and a gamble. You role the dice and get what you get. All you can do is try to make better decisions on the next round. Did you take the time to get to know her? Did the two of you have any conversations about this?
dbtmarley Posted October 22, 2007 Posted October 22, 2007 sometimes i worry about diseases though. and condoms don't protect against warts and herpes. Is there such thing as worrying about this to much? Yes there is such a thing as worrying too much. Positive people like myself call people like that worried wells. I think you should read Tanbarks initial post over again because it may give you reason for YOUR females transgression. You seem to admit to having low self esteem and this may very well be the cause/attraction towards a particular kind of woman. One that would cheat on you I mean. In your experience, how long do you wait before being exclusive with someone? Do you find that you tend to rush into relationships? If you do this can lead to some untrust in someone because you are still trying to get to know them while in the Hot and Heavy part of a relationship... big no no in my experience. I am not judging you, but you seem a little bitter and trust me I know where you are coming from as I have been the victim of a wayward spouse. I am glad she did what she did... she showed me she is definitely not the one I want holding my hand when I take my last breathe. Get over the bitterness man, date some females and have some fun. Don't forget about the condoms though:cool:.
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