My Story, Do I have a chance?

[yippkiyay]

OK So I have known this girl for years. We always caught each others eye and admired each other. Here’s where it gets complicated, She used to date a friend of mine. Well, more like a friend of a friend. He locked her in the house for three years was very abusive (psychologically) would go out do drugs and have sex with other women and come home. For three years he lived this double life and she had no idea. It crushed me to see him put her through this but it was none of my business. Finally she figured out his double life and left him once and for all. They have been broken up for two years now.

 

Over the course of the two years they were broke up we flirted but I always kept her at arms length because I felt a loyalty to him. I even went as far on a couple occasions of deleting her number from my phone. Well this past July/August we started seeing each other. We would hang out, talk on the phone, I made her dinner and then we were talking allot. Then she would come visit me at school and then I took her on a wine trail. And we started becoming intimate. We really had a great time together our personalities meshed really well. I mean I guys it was really great. So we were intimate for about a week (very intimate) and I started to freak. I had a gut feeling she was seeing someone else as well. I know, I know we didn’t have an exclusive talk. Well I started freaking out because I felt this enormous need to know exactly where it was going now, what kind of person is she really? Am I gonna marry this girl? This was a ll fueled by the fact that I was putting a friendship on the line and I wasn’t sure how other people were going to feel about the situation.

 

Let’s move back a little bit. After she broke up with him she changed a little. She started going out allot, dating allot, bars, my space the whole thing. She flies this freedom flag and has a wall up and was paranoid that I was gonna turn out controlling like her ex. He made her give up friends beat up her ex boyfriends etc. etc. She was kind of an abused child as well. Her mother bit her and beat her. She was adopted. Her parents were wealthy and never gave her money for college and she moved out when she was 18. Shes very independent but thinks the world is against her. SO my behavior of needing to now what is going on and pressing the fast forward button sent up a red flag for her.

 

I started prodding, investigating looking at her text messages etc. I know that’s not classy but I was trying to whey whether or not my loyalty should be with him or her. I had talks with some friends about it. Some said it was not a good thing. Some said he was a piece of **** and if I was gonna treat her right then it was worth it and she he should understand.

 

It was to late, She went out of town I assumed she was with a guy she used to date that she is still in touch with and is friends with her friends. She came home called me a bunch of times because she missed me and to come meet her. I had been getting hammered at my sisters all day, I was stressed because I didn’t know how to talk to her about this stuff. Was she doing anything wrong? I don’t know I meet her at the bar and long story short I act like a drunk jerk. I confront her about this other guy, I ask her about text messages, I pressure her about our situation with the guy she was with for three years, all while I’m hammered and its nothing butt diarrhea coming out of my mouth , I vaguely remember her telling me she just wanted to be with me and I got teary eyed. OH MY GOD! Shoot me.

 

Anyways she takes me home and puts me to bed. She sleeps in the other room. We hang out that day go to the zoo and stuff and have a great time. We go to a concert a couple days later and things seem great during the day. We go to a concert together a couple days later have a great time and even talk a little about what happened. I told her I didn’t want to share her with anybody else. I’ve read that guys never pickup when a girl is losing interest. I think this is when it started. We went home after the concert…no intamacy.

 

She calls me to come to lunch with her a couple days later, starts crying and tells me she doesn’t want t9o be intimate with anybody anymore. I tell her to take her space for the weekend and maybe we can see how we feel next week. She tells me to keep in touch. I do. Long story short I see her out with him (the guy she dated not to long ago) on Saturday night. She sees me out with this 20 year old Barbie look alike. I take the girl to a after hours and then drop her off. I could have nailed but I’m just not like that when I’m caught up in someone else.

 

I find out from her neighbor that she had him sleepover her place. I feel betrayed because when I first started dating her she played it off like I was the only guy who had been to her apartment in a long time. And now this? Boom she starts text me all day the next day. Asking e about the girl I was with I ignore her calls. The next day at 9 in the morning on labor day she asks me to come get my sunglasses. Oh by the way I sent her flowers over the weekend with a letter as well. I ignore her text. She calls me and asks me to come shopping with her.

 

Fine I go shopping and I start asking her questions about Saturday. She says she had no sleepovers. Later we are on her couch and she lays down on me and says she still feels safe in my arms but she still feels a little weird. I confront her about having him sleepover she cries says she’s confused and nothing happened. She wanted nothing to do with him but I spooked her.

 

I believe her I sleep over the next couple days, still no intimacy. We talk a few days later work things out and I think we are 100% back together again. Well it didn't turn out that way. We talk on the phone constantly over the next couple weeks she is constantly texting me but I feel like I’m begging her to hang out with me. I find myself competing with her friends. I start smothering her. Then one night she asks me if I drove by her house. I get offended. Her psycho ex used to do that kind of ****. I blow up on her. Turns out she was just wondering if I was in the neighborhood. She lives in a popular area. Real smooth on my part.

 

She doesn’t talk to me for a couple days. I start calling her she doesn’t return my calls. I text her asking her to please call me. She starts going off on me about how I am being needy and our personalities might not be right for each other. She says all kinds of red flags went up and she thinks I put something in my body to make me react the way I did. She assumes I was doing drugs like her ex did because we hang out with the same people. Its to complicated to early and she can’t take it anymore. She still wants to run to me when she sees me though. Then I start telling her about red flags she put up for me and she gets defensive and says we are beating a dead horse. She doesn’t want to be my mother constantly correcting me. The things I’ve done and the way I’m acting remind her of her as a teenager. She said she hates when I act like a girl god love her LOL. She says I’m constantly analyzing the relationship and she can’t take it anymore. All I’ve been trying to do is work things out! She starts telling me its none of my business what she does and other guys don’t constantly ask her what she is doing.

 

I immediately slip into NC. I send her a text the next day saying I’m sorry and maybe I will see her down the road. I say I guess I just always thought that if someone didn’t show interest in what you did then they didn’t care. She responds with “what?” I say its nothing to go on about hope things are good.

 

2 and a half weeks later I send her a text be cause to much NC with a short history might not work. I send a inside joke and a hello, I didn’t think I was gonna get a response. She immediately responds with a pet name she used to call me.

 

2 or 3 weeks after that I Instant message her on AOL-

Me: Hi

Her: Hi

Me: How have you been?

Her: Good and u?

Me: Good, Good

Me: I was gonna call u this week see what the latest and greatest is

Her: I don’t have a latest and greatest

OUCH! I thought I was dead in the water there

5 minutes later

Her: What have you been doing?

Me: Lots of work

Her: I’ll bet

Me: did you go to the game?

Her: No I didn’t

Me: It was fun but traffic was insane

Her: My boss said the same thing

I stop responding, Three days later (Friday) I send her this email:

 

I just realized I haven’t seen you in a month or so. Today

I laughed because we’ve had some fun together. I’m not gonna open old

wounds but want to address the result and bury the hatchet once and

for all. Maybe it started with questioning my loyalty to him, a

loyalty he didn’t deserve, but in the end he led me to you and I’m

thankful for that. Still though, my judgment was clouded and I didn’t

take into consideration your boundaries and where you were as a person

and your journey. I was selfish and tried to make you feel wrong for

feeling the way you did about the mistakes I made. I thought with

enough effort I could fix everything before I got busy with school. I

set aside stuff in my life and crowded yours. I thought I could play

God and lost my patience. I acted like a jerk. After that I figured

maybe only time could heal our friendship. I guess we’ll see. I’ve

had a change of heart these past weeks..or better yet a return too.

Either I?m crazy to be sending you this or I’d be crazy not too. It

bothers me I let so much unnecessary crap drive a wedge between us. I

miss you. I hope we can meet again for the first

See ya

She responded with this- a smiley face.

Now I’ve been doing all the things to keep my life in order. School Work, dating etc. Even reading self help books. I know eventually I’ll get over it and move on so I don’t need to hear all that. I just really want to start over with her an get your guys opinion on the matter. Some people think this smiley face was a good sign some think it was shallow. I’m just trying to take responsibility for what I did to contribute to the end. I really feel like things could have been allot better and there is no reason why down the road we can’t wipe the slate clean. I can’t change the past this has been a nightmare but I’ve learned from it. Yes I could move on but talk to me about the chances of us picking things up. I have been focusing on the negatives and seems to have filled up enough space.

[sb129]

Whhhhheeeeewww, that was loooong!

 

I honestly don't know about your chances of getting back together, because I can't speak for someone else.

 

I think that the final email you sent was really nice, and that seems to have got a few things off your chest.

 

I guess now you just need to give her a little time...

 

Not to sound harsh, but if you chase her, she will feel as if you are smothering her again.

 

You just need to wait this one out sweetie. I know you are hurting, but time is your best friend here.

 

Whether it heals your wounds and allows you to move on, or it helps you guys get some perspective and reassess your feelings for eachother - I can't tell.

 

Either way, you will be OK, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

 

Take care.

[funkybassplayer]

To be honest it sounds like she loves the attention, and is maybe tying to wind you up a little? I think this girl needs a freind and not a boy friend as i dont think she is capable at the moment of making a commitment. The stuff that happened in her early days will make her has very low self worth, and this can lead to relationship recking, and a distructivness of anyone that gets close. It sounds that she loves the attention, but is not 'ready' to give the relationship you want. This made you feel very inscure, again a feeling that has come from your deep self, and she triggered this responce in you. If i was to say anything it would be to leave her be, she will contact you, but i you still want to be a part of her games then thats your choice, but from what i can see here, i dont think this will develope in to the secure and loving relationship that you may want with her. I also feel you may need to gain confidence in your self. Remember that you are in control of your emotions and responce to any situation. If she shouts or you want to. stop, think, chill and talk. But as i said, leave it as it is, and you work on yourself in the meantime. If you can get your self into a better place, this will help not just you, but any1 who knows you.

[sb129]

Well said FBP.

 

I agree about getting your confidence up. And that doesn't = going out with lots of girls!

 

If you are happy with yourself when you are single, then you will be happier in the next R you are in.

[Cobra_X30]

Yippy,

 

I think you should let her go. Completely. Face it... the girl was kind of mental. She lied to you several times... about big things, and she doesnt tend to bring out the best in you.

 

Serious... if she comes back and wants to try again, make sure you put no more than 20% effort into it. Make sure you date other girls at the same time, and dont call or contact her more than once every 3 days.

 

She has some serious mental problems and I'd say she is more likely to string you along and use you than to really get serious!

 

My money says she has major self esteem issues. If you chase her very hard, its the equivalent of saying "Im not good enough for you", while forcing her to chase you is like saying "I'm better than you". She is going to strongly desire acceptance from the guy who is better than her... because that fills her self esteem void better.

[yippkiyay]

Thanx for your responses guys. You both seem to make allot of sense. It's just frustrating because maybe if i had played my cards right and known what I know now maybe this could have developed into something by now. The only reason I've been seeing other women is because i read somewere that it weould be beneficial to my well being and the chances of getting her back better. frankly its really just been meeting girls randomly at bars and what not and it hasn't helped or happend often. How much time should i let by before i contact her again if at all? do i just wait to run into her again some day? obviously i'll focus on myself till then but getting this one out of my head has been hard and wierd because i didn't have a long history with her

[yippkiyay]

thanx cobra i definatly did the oposite of letting her chace me. well in the begining she did, but then the tables turned. was it to soon for me to be asking the questions she lied to me abbout though? was it any of my business? i'm not defending her just trying to make sense of it.

[sb129]

Oh, hindsight is always 20/20!

 

Going after other girls in bars will NOT make her want you back.

If anything, it will make her write you off in her mind.

 

If you want to be the one that got away, focus on getting yourself back on track, and becoming happy with yourself.

 

That way, you will be less insecure, and therefore less likely to be possessive/ jealous etc.

 

This could take some time..... but even if SHE isn't the one you end up with, whoever you do end up with will be a lucky gal.

[Cobra_X30]

thanx cobra i definatly did the oposite of letting her chace me. well in the begining she did, but then the tables turned. was it to soon for me to be asking the questions she lied to me abbout though? was it any of my business? i'm not defending her just trying to make sense of it.

 

If she has low self esteem, and I think we both know she does.

 

The moment you started chasing after her... that set off signals to her that your not good enough. Think of it like this. She looks in the mirror and sees worthless trash. When you start chasing her... suddenly your saying "I'm willing to settle for trash". Someone like that cant make her feel good about herself.

 

As far as the questions. Really you needed to be more upfront and honest. Say look, I'm not trying to control you, but I'm not going to take someone lieing straight to my face. I dont like liars and I'm not willing to have one in my life.

 

See that tells her that you value yourself, and establishes boundaries. This way she knows that if she lies, your going to give her the boot. Then all you have to do is make her beleive that 1. you mean it and 2. she cant fool you! Good luck with that one.

[yippkiyay]

Its funny you say that, if you met her you would think she had all the confidence in the world. Maybe she wears a mask. Its funny when i was being overnice to her it seemed that logically she wanted to respipricate but couldn't help how she felt. she always talked about how she can't help how she feels

[sb129]

Its funny you say that, if you met her you would think she had all the confidence in the world. Maybe she wears a mask

 

Many girls with low self esteem are like that.

 

Myself for one. I had crippling self esteem issues that culminated in me having an affair with a married man, which is the WORST thing someone with low self esteem can do!

 

Thankfully after hitting rockbottom I got out of it, and rebuilt my self esteem. Took 28.5 years! Turn 30 on Sunday!

Funny thing is, when I hit rockbottoom, some of my friends were AMAZED, as they always thought I was so "together". And these are friends i have known for ages.

[yippkiyay]

Thats funny she's 28.5 years old. Maybe her rockbottom is around the corner and i should give her another year and a half lol

[Cobra_X30]

Many girls with low self esteem are like that.

 

Myself for one. I had crippling self esteem issues that culminated in me having an affair with a married man, which is the WORST thing someone with low self esteem can do!

 

Thankfully after hitting rockbottom I got out of it, and rebuilt my self esteem. Took 28.5 years! Turn 30 on Sunday!

Funny thing is, when I hit rockbottoom, some of my friends were AMAZED, as they always thought I was so "together". And these are friends i have known for ages.

 

Most poeple are not very perceptive of fake confidence.

 

I'm glad you have not allowed yourself to be defined by your past.

 

My own self esteem issues led to lots of anger and hyper agressiveness.

[uniqueone]

If she's had an abusive upbringing, then that's what's she's used to and that's what she's comfortable with. We are drawn to what we're comfortable with no matter if it's good or bad for us.

 

That probably explains why she was attracted to the first guy and she will probably be attracted to more like him unless she gets help and makes changes.

 

I doubt you could have done things differently that would have affected the outcome in your favor. Would you have wanted to have been a jerk? Sure, she might have been more attracted to you then, but would that have given you what you wanted? Is that the kind of relationship you would have wanted.....one where you have to treat a person badly in order for them to be interested in you?

 

She needs work.

[tanbark813]

I think you should just forget about her. It would be nice to go back and fix the things you think were mistakes, but you can't so there's no reason to dwell on that.

 

She sounds like a drama queen and you sound like you have some issues with your own self-worth.

 

Something did happen when that other guy spent the night. If it didn't, she wouldn't have tried to deny him staying there in the first place. It's common for people to only admit to as much as they need to.

 

Also, it doesn't look like you guys ever agreed to be exclusive. In the future, if that's what you want, you should bring it up (after a reasonable) amount of time rather than going through her phone, letting it all fester, and then blowing up at her.

 

As for the smiley face response, that's probably a bad sign in terms of things working out. IMO, it comes across as, "That's nice of you to say all that and I appreciate it, but I'm no longer interested." Letters like that rarely work anyway. They're good for getting things off your chest, which is what you probably needed, but they almost never salvage things.

 

For now, go NC and work on your self-esteem.

[Star Gazer]

I think you should just forget about her. It would be nice to go back and fix the things you think were mistakes, but you can't so there's no reason to dwell on that.

 

She sounds like a drama queen and you sound like you have some issues with your own self-worth.

 

Something did happen when that other guy spent the night. If it didn't, she wouldn't have tried to deny him staying there in the first place. It's common for people to only admit to as much as they need to.

 

Also, it doesn't look like you guys ever agreed to be exclusive. In the future, if that's what you want, you should bring it up (after a reasonable) amount of time rather than going through her phone, letting it all fester, and then blowing up at her.

 

As for the smiley face response, that's probably a bad sign in terms of things working out. IMO, it comes across as, "That's nice of you to say all that and I appreciate it, but I'm no longer interested." Letters like that rarely work anyway. They're good for getting things off your chest, which is what you probably needed, but they almost never salvage things.

 

For now, go NC and work on your self-esteem.

 

Mmhmm, yup, totally, I agree.

[yippkiyay]

I think the reason she is the way she is si because she is sick of being treated badly. On the other hand I feel like she is lashing out now. People tell me I should have treated her like crap yeah. I feel like she had a rough upbringing and then the other guy took advantage of her. And abused her. She's a human being do I hold all this against her? Maybe she has to just walk her own journey. And yes I guess I had some issues that contributed too. I guess I wish I met her before her ex did

[yippkiyay]

It looks like for the most part everyone thinks I should let her go and focus on myself. That's for the most part what I've been doing and I guess I'll keep it up even more? Does anyone think there's a chance this could work out in the future? Aside from all the unessesary crap we were really great together

[Trialbyfire]

I'm uncertain if either one of you, is ready for a relationship with each other, or with anyone else. Only time will tell if it will ever happen.

 

In the interim, work on yourself. Work on your own intimacy and self-esteem issues, and insecurities.

[sb129]

Most poeple are not very perceptive of fake confidence.

 

I'm glad you have not allowed yourself to be defined by your past.

 

My own self esteem issues led to lots of anger and hyper agressiveness.

 

Took a long time. THere are still little flashes sometimes, but the wonderful wonderboy has helped alot.

 

However, i have said this before, and sorry for repeating myself, but WB and I wouldn't be as happy as we are if i hadn't been totally Ok with being single, and happy with myself.

[yippkiyay]

How has wonderboy helped? is that your boyfriend?

[halfarock]

Reading this I see two issues at play, the first being her having been abused and your behavior. Every woman who I’ve ever known who claimed to have been abused seemed to have been permanently damaged by it. One characteristic is that they tend to have this need to have someone who makes them feel safe but at the same time have a fear of getting too close. You know there is this thing about men always having to be in control and all that, but at the same time you have to be sensitive to whatever emotional issues that a woman is having.

 

It is a little like the Sheryl Crow song, Strong Enough.

 

God, I feel like hell tonight

Tears of rage I cannot fight

I’d be the last to help you understand

Are you strong enough to be my man?

 

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right

So let me be alone tonight

Cause you can’t change the way I am

Are you strong enough to be my man?

 

Lie to me

I promise I’ll believe

Lie to me

But please don’t leave

 

I have a face I cannot show

I make the rules up as I go

It’s try and love me if you can

Are you strong enough to be my man?

 

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care

When I’m throwing punches in the air

When I’m broken down and I can’t stand

Will you be strong enough to be my man?

 

Lie to me

I promise I’ll believe

Lie to me

But please don’t leave

 

Here clearly is a woman with emotional issues, she asking for a man to be there for her, to put up with her crap, to be her rock to bounce off of even if she’s not being the best girlfriend back.

 

Being nice to her and chasing her doesn’t necessarily cause her concern but the attempt at controlling her, checking up on her is sure to give her the idea that you are clingy and insecure. Not a good thing. From the entirety of the post I’d say that she really likes you, would like to continue on. It’s just that things didn’t work out. If, for whatever reason, you ever do get back together with her, don’t expect her to be different. And you’d also have to be more forgiving, more tolerant of her behavior. It’s your choice, if she’s worth it or not.

[yippkiyay]

Well looks like half a rock seems somewhat positive about it. He is right though the song may ring true

[yippkiyay]

She always claimed she was indeoendent. Shes lived on her own since she was 18. So is she an independant women? or an abused child with commitment issues? Anymore insights from anybody?

[sb129]

Yes Wonderboy is my boyfriend.

 

Mostly because he loves me for who I am and is a what you see is what you get kind of guy who doesn't take any shyt from me, nor does he give me any grief back.

 

I wasn't looking for a BF, and I was actually enjoying being single.

I wasn't worried at all about being on the shelf..I knew if things didn't work out, I would survive, as I had survived having my heart broken before. maybe that helped.