OMG, is he truly mental?

[KittenMoon]

So I've been talking with my ex again. Obviously, never the best idea, but I had finally gotten truly fed up with a few things. One, that my ex reads my blog several times daily. And two, was I recently found out that a mutual old friend of my ex and I asked him a few months ago if he was over me yet, and he said "no". And when asked if he ever would be, he didn't respond.

 

We've been broken up over a year and a half now. I've asked him several times to say to me, straight up, that he doesn't love me any more and never wants to be with me. Considering HE broke up with ME after over 6 years, I thought this wouldn't be hard, but he's repeatedly danced around it.

 

Well, I finally got my wish. Though in a pretty screwed up manner. He finally said he didn't love me any more, except this is how he put it: "It tears me apart that I don't love you anymore and we will never be together in this life, maybe the next. One can hope."

 

W. T. F. ?!!!!

 

And this is after going into a long tirade about all these moments we had that are so special to him, and saying how I'm never far from his thoughts, etc etc. I asked for none of this, in fact, I've repeatedly asked him NOT to speak to me like this.

 

He's also admitted all our problems came from him, etc. That he hates work, hates his parents (who are good, caring people), and that's he trying desperately to get out of town and start a new life.

 

And here's a kicker- I was SO pissed a while back when I found out he got this huge tattoo on his leg. I called him on it finally, only to find out that a significant part of the design, a green eyed tiger, is ME. So "he always remember" etc etc etc. And this was no snap decision- he got this tattoo at least a year after we broke up.

 

I have GOT to get some thoughts, because this doesn't sound like how you talk to someone you don't love. In fact, it sounds pretty mental. Especially since he's talked about "drowning" things in tons of alcohol (and alcoholism runs in his family).

 

I know the issue is that he simply can't give me what I need, regardless of how he feels, thinks he feels, whatever- I'm working very hard on acceptance at this point.

 

But seriously- what is this? Words contradict, actions are truly bizarre- I just don't get it.

[Trialbyfire]

The old adage is so true in this case, that you have to love yourself before you're capable of loving someone else. In the unhappy state he's in, he hasn't got enough inside of him to give, therefore will continue to be a toxic element in your life until or even if he can turn himself around.

 

Btw, why were you so pissed off that he got a tattoo after the two of you weren't together? You have no say in what he cosmetically does to his own body, even in a relationship, nvm without a relationship, unless it's detrimental to his health. You can express concern though.

[KittenMoon]

Btw, why were you so pissed off that he got a tattoo after the two of you weren't together? You have no say in what he cosmetically does to his own body, even in a relationship, nvm without a relationship, unless it's detrimental to his health. You can express concern though.

 

Oh, it wasn't the tattoo per sé, it was the tattoo in addition to suddenly doing things like going to Japan, and going out all the time drinking and partying, since when we were together he eschewed all these types of things and refused to do so much as a weekend trip because he "couldn't take time off of work". (He's also admitted finally he's obsessed with and hides within his work)

 

I was only mad because I would have been right there holding his hand at the tattoo parlor if that's what he wanted.

 

Although now, apparently, there will always be a huge representation of me permanently inked into his leg (inches from his junk to boot! hah)

[Trimmer]

One, that my ex reads my blog several times daily.

Maybe I'm missing the point of this whole "blog" think you young folks keep talking about, but if you post your life publicly, intentionally for all to see, what is the point in worrying about who sees it? If you don't want it public, can you not close it down to a private set of friends? And if you do want it public, there's no provision for "public except for this one person..." Make your choice and live with it - you know how it works.

 

And two, was I recently found out that a mutual old friend of my ex and I asked him a few months ago if he was over me yet, and he said "no". And when asked if he ever would be, he didn't respond.

It sounds like if it is a problem, it's his problem, why is it yours?

 

I've asked him several times to say to me, straight up, that he doesn't love me any more and never wants to be with me.....

And this is after going into a long tirade about all these moments we had that are so special to him, and saying how I'm never far from his thoughts, etc etc. I asked for none of this, in fact, I've repeatedly asked him NOT to speak to me like this.

So you basically demanded that he tell you he felt the way you wanted him to feel, but then you get upset that once you open that door, he tells you the way he really feels?

 

I have GOT to get some thoughts, because this doesn't sound like how you talk to someone you don't love.

Are you sure he is an "ex"? I don't remember your story, but from what it sounds like here, you are not getting "over" him, you are still in the throes of figuring out the relationship a year and a half later. It doesn't seem like talking to your ex is helping. Listen to yourself:

 

I know the issue is that he simply can't give me what I need...

Anyone truly a year and a half out from a breakup would say "he couldn't give me what I need...", but you still talk like it is a current relationship.

 

If it is over, stop talking to him, stop worrying about him. He was not the ideal partner for you, what makes you think you can change him into the ideal "ex?" He will be just as messed up (and probably more) as an ex as he was a partner.

 

But seriously- what is this? Words contradict, actions are truly bizarre- I just don't get it.

I worry that your focus on him is taking your energy away from turning yourself forward and looking to your own future, figuring out how to heal yourself, and move on. He's got his life to deal with now; whether or not he's got a tattoo of you, or Angelina Jolie, or Rosie the Riveter on his leg doesn't need to affect you from here out. Focus on yourself, your life, and your future, and leave him behind if that is where he belongs in your life. Right now, you are limping into your future, burdened and dragging him behind like a weight chained to you. Release him and move on.

[KittenMoon]

I don't have time or energy to go into the events of the past year and a half, but believe me when I say forcing him to say once and for all he doesn't love me, doesn't want me, was something I needed to do. He'd been contrary one too many times.

 

All I wanted was the that statement of truth laid down for once. I got it- it's a big relief. The rest is just frustrating.

 

And anyone else, if you're just gonna flame, a)get bent, and b) go find another thread.

[KittenMoon]

He was not the ideal partner for you, what makes you think you can change him into the ideal "ex?"

 

Hah. When did I say I was trying to change anything? All I wanted was a single sentence.

[wwjd]

Maybe I'm missing the point of this whole "blog" think you young folks keep talking about, but if you post your life publicly, intentionally for all to see, what is the point in worrying about who sees it? If you don't want it public, can you not close it down to a private set of friends? And if you do want it public, there's no provision for "public except for this one person..." Make your choice and live with it - you know how it works.

 

well, i'm not kitten, and she can correct me if i'm wrong, but i don't think the problem is that he reads her blog so much that is it puzzling why he reads it.

 

you are right in that if you are keeping an open blog, then you are essentially writing for anyone and everyone who wants to read it, to read it. here, her exbf is one of the persons who reads it. sure enough, if kitten wanted to ban his IP address so that he could not access it, she could, but i don't think that answers the question of his bizarre behavior.

 

if he wrote to her, finally, expressing what he thinks he feels, then why continue to read her blog? sure, one can say, "oh well, don't worry about it and move on" or "well, if it's bothersome, configure your settings so he can't read it" or some other such suggestion along those lines, yes. however, it is not that simple in the sense that if you are trying to move on, and you factually know that your ex reads your journal habitually, then it makes it more difficult and confusing.

 

again, i think the problem is not that he reads it, but rather why he reads it. if you no longer love someone or want any sort of significant relationship with them, platonic or otherwise, then why bother to check up on their lives so adamantly? it makes no sense, and it is in that nonsense that the problem lies, i think.

 

So you basically demanded that he tell you he felt the way you wanted him to feel, but then you get upset that once you open that door, he tells you the way he really feels?

again, maybe i am wrong, but i don't think this is right. from what i gather, kitten is upset because she has someone she cares for vacillating with both words and actions. she asked him to forward, for once, in answering a question and to please not derail into hurtful and reminiscent commentary. yes, he answered her, but then goes into detail explaining part of the meaning of his tattoo and conjuring old memories of the good and old times they had together.

 

that hurts and truly takes away from the alleged sincerity of his answer, and i'm sure he knows this, yet he does it anyway.

 

 

If it is over, stop talking to him, stop worrying about him.

in kitten's case, i honestly don't think either of the above were truly possible without him giving her a straight answer. now that he gave her an equally ambiguous answer (in meaning), she can choose to stop talking to him, yes--it might not be so hard, but i don't think it's as simply to stop worrying or caring about him.

 

if it were that simple, none of us would be in the same boat.

 

One, that my ex reads my blog several times daily.

 

this is so annoying. it would drive me crazy. did you by any chance ask him why he does this?

 

"It tears me apart that I don't love you anymore and we will never be together in this life, maybe the next. One can hope."

what kind of answer is this? seriously, what the bloody hell is wrong with him? can he not just say, "sorry kitten, but i don't love you anymore. we are over. it's final, and it's best we no longer speak." or something more, you know, concrete?

 

what is this, "but i can hope that in the next life we will be"? or the "it tears me apart" declaration? he is warped, kitten. imho, it sounds more like he is trying to convince himself of something rather than finally being honest and forward to you.

 

honestly, i think it was nothing more than a BS answer.

 

And here's a kicker- I was SO pissed a while back when I found out he got this huge tattoo on his leg. I called him on it finally, only to find out that a significant part of the design, a green eyed tiger, is ME. So "he always remember" etc etc etc. And this was no snap decision- he got this tattoo at least a year after we broke up.

why did he have to tell you this? does he not realize that confessions such as these are nothing but hurtful and confusing? if i broke up with someone after many years together and realized that i truly no longer loved them, why would i go get a tattoo that is representative of them? why would i want to have their memory permanently inked on my skin? and further, if i know they still care and might still have loving feelings towards me, why would i tell them about it?

 

it would only make sense if i still loved them and hoped that by my telling them, i would somehow warm them up to the idea of reconciliation, but he claims that is not the case, so what is this motive? just to let you know? i sincerely doubt it, as he doesn't seem to be the chatty and sharing kind.

 

i just don't see how this helps you at all or how it gives you the answer you wanted and deserved, really. he is so contradictory and makes no sense.

 

He's also admitted all our problems came from him, etc. That he hates work, hates his parents (who are good, caring people), and that's he trying desperately to get out of town and start a new life.

Especially since he's talked about "drowning" things in tons of alcohol (and alcoholism runs in his family).

i think TBF is right here:

 

The old adage is so true in this case, that you have to love yourself before you're capable of loving someone else. In the unhappy state he's in, he hasn't got enough inside of him to give...

 

there is something deeply bothering and hurting him. what it is, maybe not even he knows. what is true, though, is that he is a mental state in which he loves nothing--probably not even himself. that he hates his job, his parents, and that he is drowning these and other things in alcohol is a clear indicator of this.

 

it seems to me that he is in a state where it's much easier to drown himself in work and alcohol rather than to expose himself to his true feelings, whatever they may be. he is in hiding from everyone and everything, it seems, including himself. it just doesn't seem to me like he knows what he wants or feels, and it is preferable to work, work, work and drink, drink, drink so that he doesn't have to know.

 

i believe he told you what he told you in an effort to try to convince himself and you of something that may very not well be the truth, but is simpler to deal with.

[KittenMoon]

Thanks wwjd- you've known this whole story from the start, so you understand how plain stupid this is.

 

Actually, I can't block his IP. I tried, but my blog provider won't allow the code I need to use to do it. I tried. It's not so much he reads it, but why the living f--- keep on my life so regularly if you don't want any part of it?

 

I was considering changing my blog now, but it's depressing since I've had the same one for over 5 years. I still my do it though, for other reasons. (Damn lurkers!)

 

It's really sad, knowing what we were, and knowing this is how it ends.

[Trimmer]

And anyone else, if you're just gonna flame, a)get bent, and b) go find another thread.

You considered those flames? I apologize. Consider me bent; you won't have to say it twice.

[blind_otter]

I vote mental, and I don't understand why you keep getting into contact with your ex.

 

As stated above, there is probably something that bothers him very deeply. What this is, you'll likely never fully understand. Because obviously, you can never understand if HE doesn't, and it doesn't sound like he's doing a lot of soul searching or self-examination if he's addicted to work and alcohol.

 

He may be trying to convince himself of something that isn't true, but in the end does it really matter all that much? He sounds deeply disturbed.

 

Look, I was deeply distrubed myself before I got on mood altering medication. I was an alcoholic addict who self-injured and had hysterical episodes. I totally destroyed some of my ex-lovers because they wanted so badly to help me, when I wasn't capable or willing to help myself. Don't allow your misguided sense of altruism to destroy you in this situation. All that you can do is be supportive of him when he moves toward stability and self-awareness. In all other regards you must ignore him.

[KittenMoon]

I vote mental, and I don't understand why you keep getting into contact with your ex.

 

I really, truly just wanted him to declare he didn't love me. Not once since we broke would he say it, and often contacted me and acted contrary to this- this is just me finally being fed up and fighting back.

 

Got what I wanted though- he can keep the rest of the issues for himself.

[KittenMoon]

All that you can do is be supportive of him when he moves toward stability and self-awareness.

 

In this regard, I am happy that he's finally admitted how obsessed he is with work (even though he hates it), and other things, like how his father's expectations control his life.

 

I hope if he can finally acknowledge these things, it'll help him find himself, or whatever he needs to do.

 

His emails included a fair amount of "reaching out" behavior, which is nothing new, but I already tried to work on these things with him when we were together, and all it got me was treated like I was nuts and dumped on my @$$.

[KittenMoon]

>sigh<

 

So as I finally got my answer, such as it was, I responded and let him know, basically, it was ok.

 

It's sad, obviously, but a relief too. I've just been so tired of this.

 

It's also sad to see him like this, I've seen him do this kinda thing before (basically become emotionally adamant about something) and start seeing things in resigned absolutes, but this is the worst.

 

I wish we had never gotten into this stupid mess in the first place- something that could have been really good instead got really f---ed over.

[Newtotheblogthing]

Kittenmoon, Good for you. I understand the wanting someone to tell you that they aren't in love with you but even if he does will you believe him? I hate to admit it but after continually asking my ex, he wouldn't answer for a while, he finally said, no I am not in love with you anymore. AND I actually DO NOT believe him. I think he said it to hurt me. In July all he did was tell me how in love with me he was.. and I KNOW this person... but it doesn't change the fact he does not want to be in a relationship with me.

 

I know he still loves me and our situation is different but my point is that we want to hear these words because we often think it will give us closure. At least for me and I might be crazy, it still didn't do the trick. Also, even if they do, their ACTIONS scream otherwise!

 

Your ex is being selfish.. keeping you around. He may not mean to hurt you but he is.. I am actually afraid mine will drag out like yours.. Maybe he wants your support for all that he's going through but it's not your job anymore.

[sedgwick]

As a heavily-tattooed person writing a book about being tattooed, I have to ask: why were you "SO pissed" when he got one?

 

(oh...never mind...should have read other responses first!)

[sao2]

I understand your frustration. What I wouldn't give or a declaration of "unlove" from my ex. But no I always got

 

"it isn't the right time"

"things are too difficult"

"I will always miss you"

"you will always be held close to my heart"

"I am sure if we saw each other there would still be emotions"

"I will always love you"

"This has been so difficult"

 

All the while she was saying it is over. If you love and miss me so much why aren't you willing to try and make it work?

 

At the end of the day we are going to believe what we are going to believe and if he is not making the effort to be with you and nurture the relationship than that is enough for you to know that he doesn't love you, at least not in a way that makes any sense to you.

 

Let him be miserable on his own, he made the choice to break up with you. If he loved you enough he would have asked to try again. He hasn't asked.