SadHatter Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Hi guys, I need advice so desperately, I am so confused and hurting right now. In order to understand what happened in my relationship with my ex-gf and why she broke up with me, you need to read the following post... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t131299/ After she ditched me, I went 'no contact' for about a week and then since then have been probably naively playing the 'friend' thing with her. We've spoken on the phone a few times, she's been texting me etc. Its almost as if we hadn't split up (although I haven't seen her). She asked me to the cinema yesterday, so I went (perhaps wrongly) and within 5 minutes of the film starting, she was stroking my knee, cuddling me and kissing me. She was all over me. Afterwards, we went for something to eat and she kept joking that, "this is the weirdest break up ever, its like we're still together, except we're not!". She said she loves me and I said, "I love you too" and she said, "I know you do" and hugged me. I was starting to think that maybe we could work things out and she wanted to. And then...it comes to the end of the night and she says, "I just don't want to confuse you. I don't want you going home thinking that there's a chance that we might get back together because there isn't. I know in my heart we're over and I've made the right decision." I was staggered and said, "Why the hell would you be kissing me like that etc.?" and she said, "Because I am so used to you and I care for you so much and it just seems so natural because it is what I've been used to for the last 2 years. But I don't want commitment right now, maybe in a few years we'll get back together, but not right now. I love you so much but I don't think I'm in love with you." I cannot believe it. I said to her, "You don't want to hurt me? What the hell is this doing then?" and she gets upset and says, "Please it isn't like that...I don't want to hurt or confuse you". She says, "Please don't say that, I care about you more than anyone in the world." At this point I left. She said, "I'll text you later tonight." and proceeded to give me a big cuddle before I strolled off into the night. What is happening here? I feel like I should have mug tattooed across my forehead. I wish I was stronger, but I'm so weak when it comes to this! I told her that I feel as soon as she meets someone new, I'll be dropped, even as a friend, like a tonne of bricks and she promised that wouldn't happen because A) She doesn't want a relationship and B) I always come first. I find it hard to believe and I also cannot stand the thought of her with someone else. I just don't know what to do. She's acted actually more bothered than I have this past week and yesterday was all over me...and then takes it away again and says there's no chance for us and it's over. She called me last night and I told her that I can no longer talk to her anymore. If she calls, I will ignore it. If she texts, I will ignore it. She cried lots and lots, said she loves me but reiterated that she cannot be with me as she doesnt have any faith left that the relationship will work or last. I said good bye and ended the call. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. She text me and said she's going to write me a letter this week. I ignored it... Please can someone tell me what is happening here (apart from me being an absolute MUG!).
niceguy27 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 You did the right thing. By letting her continue to touch and be affectionate she gettting the opportunity to let herself leave you at her own pace without regards to you. You did the right thing by not talking to her. If she said she doesnt have faith left that it would last, that most likely means she needs reassurance from you that you will stay. Had you done anything for her to warrant her saying that? Plus the fact that she is young...I know you probably hear it a lot but without her seeing what she has to compare you with she will probably always wonder and stray.
Author SadHatter Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 She wanted me to change four or five things about our relationship...spend more time at hers etc. which I was more than willing to do, and I assured her we could make it work, but she still said it was over...
CaliGuy Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 It's simple, really. She's making sure you're still on a string, readily available to her when and if she wants you. What I would have suggested is the second she started cuddling and trying to kiss you, push her away. She said she doesn't want to be with you therefore she should not have access to the things she is "used" to having with you. She basically now knows she has you on a string when and if she decides she wants you. That line "Maybe we'll get back together again in a few years" and "I'm not in love with you" would have been enough for me to write her off for good. She has a lot of nerve doing what she did and I would have been livid. Do yourself a favor. Cut her off completely. Expunge her from your life and as soon as you feel ready, start dating again. Don't answer her calls. Don't answer her emails. Delete her from IM. Don't check up on her. Go complete NC and break your phone and cut of your internet connection if you have to. This woman is poison and she is keeping you from healing and moving on. Her life is moving on with you, why shouldn't you be doing the same? She had her chance and you'd be a fool to put your life on hold waiting for her to "come around." Beat her to the punch. Close the door on her. Make the decision, the right one, that she is not good for you and probably never will be.
niceguy27 Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 well if she told you right to your face its over there really is nothing else left to do, especially if you've already tried talking to her. For her to pull you like that is bad bad news...My ex and agreed when we split that there would be NO "hooking up" after we split. Thank God we agreed on that. I had a hard enough time dealing with the breakup. Imagine if you threw in sex along with it...NO way. Same with your ex. Dont get dragged into that territory!
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Sometimes though you have to go against the trend and use the bottom line which is judge the actions first and not the words..so if a girl breaks up with you and her behaviour is consistent with a break up then it is over. But in your case your girl asked to meet you (and kept the date) and kissing etc... My guess is this girl will genuinely want you back. Make her work for it and treat her like an ex. Personally I'd say to her "sweety I don't want to be with someone who's 50%, if I'm single in 3 months maybe we can catch up and grab a cup of coffee." Then end it NC.
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Hatter, you've demonstrated some tough love which is good. If this girl does come back make her beg for another chance. If you decide to take her back and she gets flaky again then she's out for good. It's possible that she is ego driven at the moment but it's hard to say.
Author SadHatter Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 Thanks for the messages guys, they really do help. Pentula77 - what do you mean by 'ego driven' mate? Just curious When we met on Sunday, she told me that she's going to a house party on Friday night for her friends Birthday and made sure I knew there's a guy there who is hot and who her friends are trying to 'set her up' with. Now all Friday night I'm going to be wondering what she's doing with him!
ClearFocus Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Dont let it eat you up bruv.. Seriously, I been going round like this for 6 months only because I thought maybe, just maybe I could do the whole friends thing.. Not constructive! What I discovered was as soon as a new 'interest' in her life came along, I was a distant memory. So basically I feel like whilst waiting for the right fella to come along her intention is to keep u there to feed her ego. Its unfair she told you that about this guy at the house party but she obviously just wanted to get in your head.. Seeking attention. Stay strong and stand by your reasons for not having contact, you WILL get thru this and become stronger mate, I guarantee you. Head up
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Ego driven...read the post under breakups "Guys read this if you post here". Many scenarios after break up with guy imo; 1. girl realises she made mistake and genuinely wants back in (rare) 2. girl checks back in just to make sure guy still wants her but no intention of getting back together (ego, no intimacy and breaks dates with guy). 3. branch swinger..maitains ex until firm grip on next branch (also ego driven but worse than 2 !) 4. I'm sure there are a few other scenarios. oh year what about the on again off again relationship with boyfriends / flings in between ! some guys actually accept this behaviour All a guy needs to do is watch the actions and not the words....Don't rationalise any poor behaviour. Having said that words can be disrespectful.
lexi29 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 I'm sorry to hear about your ex- I know exactly what she is doing- she wants to keep you around until she finds someone else. She wants you around because she is comfortable with you and it is hard to end things suddenly. She wants your comfort, your admiration, your companionship but she doesn't want to be tied down by you. So basically she is using you until someone else comes along. I'm glad you didn't fall for it. No contact sucks, it hurts like hell and we are constantly wondering what our ex is doing and waiting for them to call or acknowledge that we still exist. But in the long run you will feel better than if you fell for her jerking you around like this. I believe she really cared about you but maybe its just her age or just wanting something new-she wants to move on- she's not making that clear with her actions but she keeps telling you she doesn't want to be with you. Its tough to hear I know. If you make yourself unavailable to her she may decide she misses you and wants you back.
Pentula77 Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 The thing is because the way the world is women have so many opportunities and guys coming on to them it would blow most guys minds. Hence the way they think about relationships and what is acceptable behaviour gets slightly distorted ! Imagine guys that every single hour of your day some chick tried to throw cheesy smiles at you and ask for your number. Then there's the clubs and Friday nights...then there are the guys that try and be friends with them and try and smarm their way in slowly... The best way to handle this is be a sparten. She needs to know that this doesn't bother you but if she crosses the line and shows you disrespect you walk. Ur girl at the moment is pulling major bs. Instead of being a sparten ur going to the movies with her and letting her kiss you ! She's now learnt that she can break up with you and get you back when she wants. She knows she has you. Dude this is not tough love. Track down jophil28 and ask him about tough love...he'll lead you to the promised land.
Author SadHatter Posted October 16, 2007 Author Posted October 16, 2007 So what you're saying is that all of this, "I don't want commitment right now" and "I don't want a bf when I go to uni" is bull?? It's just her excuse for saying she wants to pull other guys...even though she says she doesn't...I guarantee within the next 2/3 months she has a new bf...I'm sick of her crap...she says she loves me and cares for me - SO SHOW IT...Until and IF she does, I will pretend she no longer exists...
CaliGuy Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 So what you're saying is that all of this, "I don't want commitment right now" and "I don't want a bf when I go to uni" is bull?? It's just her excuse for saying she wants to pull other guys...even though she says she doesn't...I guarantee within the next 2/3 months she has a new bf...I'm sick of her crap...she says she loves me and cares for me - SO SHOW IT...Until and IF she does, I will pretend she no longer exists... What she is saying is she wants to have everything she had with you before, with no commitment, because she is keeping her peepers open for someone better to come along. If you're ok with being her "back up plan" until she finds something better, by all means keep communicating with her.
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