SOS_Please Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Okay, I had to come on here to vent! I am so f-ing mad! I need advice! So, here is the situation: I have two friends (one is my very best friend, the other is a good guy friend), who are currently dating...because I set them up. Before I say any more, though, it is important that I give you background information on both of them: My Best Friend: I met her three years ago, and she is like a sister to me. I am an attractive girl, but more in an adult way (like, I look mature, not trendy), whereas she is the pretty/trendy kind of girl. Okay, so, she has gone through men like underware: she has "seriously" dated four men since I've known her, and has casually dated a numerous amount. She is very experienced, whereas I am not (meaning, she has had lots of sexual encounters, whereas I've decided to wait--though, I have seriously thought about it a couple of times). Anyway, just two weeks ago she broke up with her boyfriend of eight months, and then (because I set them up on a date), started dating my guy friend. My Guy Friend: I met him at the beginning of this year. He had a "thing" for me, but he is not really my type (I tend to like older men), and so--though he persisted for a long time--we ended up just being friends. Well, he has had some troubles getting "nice" girls (though he is extremely attractive). Haha, I think it has something to do with the fact that he only goes out to bars to find girls, and generally uses them (for sex), and then discards them. However, he is looking to turn a new leaf, so I thought, "Hey...my best friend just broke up with her boyfriend, and misses having a guy around, and my guy friend needs a girlfriend, or at least a girl friend to hang out with...I'll hook them up!" Okay, so back to the situation: It has been two weeks since they started dating, and EVERYTHING has changed between my guy friend and I! I mean, we use to talk every night about any and every thing. NOW, he only calls to ask about my best friend! I mean, we have ZERO meaningful conversations. He acts like he is in love with her, and he has only known her for THREE WEEKS, and dated her for TWO! What's worse, is that she acts like she loves him as well! They are already sleeping together! I mean, it is DISGUSTING the way they act around one another. Okay, so obviously, I am a touch jealous of their newly formed relationship. I mean, it's not that I like him sexually, but I consider him a really good friend, and it's like our friendship has altered since he started seeing her. So, after going off on him a couple of times regarding his always asking me about my best friend's likes and dislikes, I finally decided to tell him what was wrong with me. His response: I know you've been jealous, but I really like [my best friend] and I don't want your jealousy to interfer with our (his and my best friend's) relationship. Maybe we should set some boundries. HA! What an @$$! Seriously? OH MY GOD! I could KILL him! And HER! Here she has only known him two weeks, and she will come up to me like, "Oh, yes, [my guy friend] and I have really connected on a spiritual level...blah, blah, blah..." It's like: YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM! Oh, my God, I need to know what to do, because, currently, if I see either of them (together), I will either get sick, or attack them! What makes it worse is that when they first met (like three weeks ago), we (her and her boyfriend, my guy friend, and I) could all hang out as friends, and it was fine. NOW, when we all hang out, it's them and their PDA, and me as a third wheel. Ugh. I could just be sick, because it was me who hooked them up! I am somewhat responsible for my own misery! So, I don't think I can be friends with him any more, and I know my best friend's and my relationship is going to suffer to some degree. What do I do? I need comments/suggestions/advice!
Author SOS_Please Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Please! Anyone! I just need to know what to do! Do I contine to be friends with them, when I have this inner loathing for their relationship? If I have to endure them together one more day, I really may be sick!
redfathom Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I think you should still be friends with them. They are not trying to hurt you, intentionally or unitentionally. You should be happy that they are happy together. If you are friends with someone you should be friends with them whether or not you have meaningful conversations ALL the time. So right now he is distracted with his new relationship, in time your friendship will return to what it once was (maybe slightly different). I have had friends that got boyfriends and we would go months with out speaking, meanigful or not. And we had a mutual understanding, we are both very busy in relationships and we try to talk once a week but sometimes life keeps you busy and you can't. If you want them to be a friend to you, then you need to be a friend to him and her and be happy for them.
Ocean-Blue Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 So you admit you're jealous. They are starting to really like one another...and hence displaying affection for each other. What is wrong with this? Nothing seems off to me...it's not like they're purposely doing it (you have chosen to hang out with them after all). I think you need to find more friends and start dating. You're irritated/angry b/c the guy who used to pursue you has now moved on to your best friend (whom YOU set him up with)...and it irks you that he is no longer interested in you. I'm a girl. I'd react the same way. I hate it when a guy who used to fawn all over me moves on (even if I never gave him the time in the first place). We like it when boys like us. And when the fall for our best friend...well that stings. So I get it. But don't get so angry. They aren't doing anything hurtful towards (at least not intentionally). YOU hooked them up. Remember that! What did you expect? For him to date your best friend and then come running to you, professing his undying love, "there is no other woman...let me continue to be your little lovesick puppy"?
Touche Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 I don't really get why it bothers you so much since you weren't interested in him in "that" way. Seems kind of immature to me. Either suck it up or only see them separately if it bothers you that much.
Author SOS_Please Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Thank you all for your comments! To redfathom: I appreciate your remarks. You are absolutely right. I know that life keeps us from our friends, but when it goes from us being there for eachother every day, seven days a week, to nothing at all: it hurts. I mean, it just hurts to know I am that easily replaced. To Ocean-Blue: Well, I did set them up, but I didn't think I would react this way! I mean, I love them both dearly, and I have plenty of girl friends, but I have very few guy friends. It is hard for me to trust men, because of my father, so I really valued my friendship with him. I just feel betrayed in a sense. I know it is silly, but that is just how I feel. To Touche: Thank you for your constructive comment...haha, well obviously it is a tad immature to get jealous of my best friend and guy friend's relationship...that I encouraged. However, I am not stoic enough to be able to control my feelings to the degree of avoiding them all together. However, you do touch on an interesting point: you say, "I don't really get why it bothers you so much since you weren't interested in him in 'that' way." I am beginning to think maybe I did like him. I just don't trust men, and so I thought that it would be safer to keep him at the "friend" level...now, maybe I want more? I don't know...I am so confused as to why I feel this way!
Touche Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 But you're not replaced. You have a different kind of relationship with him than she does. You have to realize that. He may value the relationship he has with you as much as the one he has with her. As for your feelings for him...it's just human nature I think. You now want what you can't have. Before you could have had him any time. Maybe you took him for granted that way.
norajane Posted October 16, 2007 Posted October 16, 2007 Based on how you describe both her and him and the way they are with relationships, this isn't really likely to last...so just ride it out with a smile. And get him to introduce you to some of his friends - maybe you'll click with one of them.
Phateless Posted October 17, 2007 Posted October 17, 2007 I'm gonna go ahead and be the bad guy here. You have just dicovered what is known as the antidote to the friend zone. You hang around him and love how he dotes on you even though it's only friendship. Now that he has someone else, you wonder why his attention to you changed? It's cuz you were playing with him while he was in love with you. You can't expect him to keep pursuing you forever, even when has a new girlfriend... Ok here's the constructive part - Your relationship with him has changed. Like it or not, your previous friendship has always been him pursuing you. You said so yourself in the first post. Now you and him are going to settle in to being ACTUAL friends. He is in a new relationship, so he's infatuated. She's all he can talk about because that's all that's on his mind right now. Once things level out it might be a littler more normal, but don't expect him to act the way he used to as long as he has a girlfriend.
squeak Posted October 18, 2007 Posted October 18, 2007 His response: I know you've been jealous, but I really like [my best friend] and I don't want your jealousy to interfer with our (his and my best friend's) relationship. Maybe we should set some boundries. HA! What an @$$! Seriously? OH MY GOD! I could KILL him! And HER!What do I do? I need comments/suggestions/advice! I think you should respect what your friend said about not interfering and setting some new boundaries before you turn into "that" girl...you know the one. The one who seethes over the relationship taking time away from herself. The one who slowly but surely sets out to see to it things were the way they were before. Your friends are happy, you are doing the typical selfish female act of realizing you could have had him and now his attention is no longer on you, and Gawd forbid-your best friend is actually happy too! If you are a real friend, you'd be happy for them. Since you are not, and you are honest enough with yourself, even if you are rationalizing it-why don't you step back-A LOT-and cultivate other friends. Respect what your friend asked, he must have picked up some bad feelings off you to actually have to say that. Let them enjoy their relationship.
Author SOS_Please Posted October 19, 2007 Author Posted October 19, 2007 Thank you all so much for your comments, but there are some intersting new twists in the story: First of all, my guy friend denied ever saying that he wanted to have "boundries." Yeah...if only I would have saved that AIM message... Secondly, we all (my guy friend, best friend, and I) talked it out, and everyone seems "okay." However, there is a problem--a BIG problem: tonight we all hung out (my guy friend, my best friend, one of our mutual friends, and I) in my room, and my best friend (my guy friend's new girlfriend) left the room to do homework. The three of us (guy friend, mutual friend, and I) stayed in my room and hung out. He informed our mutual friend and I that he isn't sure if my best friend is the "one" for him. He wants someone "less experienced." I didn't know what to say! Seriously? He sleeps with her, and now wants someone who doesn't sleep with people?! OH MY GOD...SERIOUSLY?! Okay. So, the worst part: while in my room, we all (guy friend, mutual friend, and I) were hanging out, and watching movies, when our mutual friend decides to leave and go to bed. So, it's just me and him. Well, he is a really strong guy, and we use to take martial arts classes together. Anyway, he starts wrestling me, and fighting with me, then he throws me on the bed, and starts bitting me. Um...yeah...though we use to wrestle and act silly/fight, he never bit me. Then he bits my neck and starts rubbing his hand on my leg...like, in a sexual manner. I felt like he was trying to "get with me." So, I told him to stop, and he wouldn't. Finally, I kicked his ass off of me, and asked him how he would feel if my best friend walked in at that moment. I couldn't believe he acted this way, after telling me just days ago that he wanted to take his relationship with my friend to the next level! God...what do I do now? Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I tell my best friend? I mean, this is horrible! I will say that we had all had a little too much to drink, but I don't think that is an excuse to behave that way.
Citizen Erased Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Tell your best friend. Even if he'll hate you, he doesn't want to be with her anyway and its better she leaves him now then later.
Phateless Posted October 19, 2007 Posted October 19, 2007 Thank you all so much for your comments, but there are some intersting new twists in the story: First of all, my guy friend denied ever saying that he wanted to have "boundries." Yeah...if only I would have saved that AIM message... Secondly, we all (my guy friend, best friend, and I) talked it out, and everyone seems "okay." However, there is a problem--a BIG problem: tonight we all hung out (my guy friend, my best friend, one of our mutual friends, and I) in my room, and my best friend (my guy friend's new girlfriend) left the room to do homework. The three of us (guy friend, mutual friend, and I) stayed in my room and hung out. He informed our mutual friend and I that he isn't sure if my best friend is the "one" for him. He wants someone "less experienced." I didn't know what to say! Seriously? He sleeps with her, and now wants someone who doesn't sleep with people?! OH MY GOD...SERIOUSLY?! Okay. So, the worst part: while in my room, we all (guy friend, mutual friend, and I) were hanging out, and watching movies, when our mutual friend decides to leave and go to bed. So, it's just me and him. Well, he is a really strong guy, and we use to take martial arts classes together. Anyway, he starts wrestling me, and fighting with me, then he throws me on the bed, and starts bitting me. Um...yeah...though we use to wrestle and act silly/fight, he never bit me. Then he bits my neck and starts rubbing his hand on my leg...like, in a sexual manner. I felt like he was trying to "get with me." So, I told him to stop, and he wouldn't. Finally, I kicked his ass off of me, and asked him how he would feel if my best friend walked in at that moment. I couldn't believe he acted this way, after telling me just days ago that he wanted to take his relationship with my friend to the next level! God...what do I do now? Do I act like nothing happened? Or do I tell my best friend? I mean, this is horrible! I will say that we had all had a little too much to drink, but I don't think that is an excuse to behave that way. I almost think he was dating her to make you jealous... the "less experienced" thing is probably a hint that he wants you instead of her. I think your friend was never your friend... I think he just wanted you all along. You're in a tough call... I say you tell your girlfriend what happened and you should probably stop hanging out with this guy. Re-read my original post in this thread. I may have come across as a dick, but in light of new evidence, you have to admit I wasn't off-base at all. He only settled for friendship because he wanted more time to try to figure out how to win you over. He is a classic case of "getting stuck in the friend zone"
Ocean-Blue Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 This guy sounds like a moron. So he's dating your friend and is putting moves on you? Ugh. Good for you (for pushing his sleazy a$$ off of you).
Touche Posted October 20, 2007 Posted October 20, 2007 The fact of the matter is that, at this point, you just can't be friends with both of them. Sad, but true. You're just going to have to decide which one to be friends with. Also, why am I getting the feeling that you DO want to start something up with the guy? If that's the case, you'll just have to be honest with your g/f. Of course that will pretty much end the friendship with her.
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