Whats so wrong with me??

[Precious K]

I think I need help...

I have been in an ongoing on and off again relationship for the past 5yrs. I am now at a point where I need to leave this relationship. Its been a whirl wind experience for me. Its basically an addictive, on his terms relationship. I don't know where to start on what he's done to me but ill just throw in all I can remember.

He's:

- a liar

- an arsehole

- hurts me purposely

- talks and txts me when he wants

- proposed to another girl when he proposed to me first and said he was lying about the other girl

- made me cry knowingly

- I'm sure he's cheated

- abused me emotionally

- crazy jealous

- txts other girls a lot (he doesn't know that I know)

- fights with me

- screams

- tells me he will call and he doesn't

- breaks up and makes up with me

- can't communicate w/me

 

So basically he's bad for me. I just can't see it sometimes and I just see the good in him. I loving I know I do, but I also know I shouldn't love him. And now I'm here sad and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to leave him because all I think about is that I won't see him or hear from the guy I love again. I don't know how to get through to him, he doesn't pay attention to me. He's hurt me so much that now I'm not so sure if I'm here because I'm use to him and I really can't see myself letting go. I know that I have to, to keep my sanity. To be happy with myself again. I just need some advice. My question is: how can I let go of someone who is breaking my heart?

I don't even know how to start NC.

 

Thx for listening... K

[Ruby]

I cant help you as I am in the same situation

 

Thought I would bump your thread up so gthat others may help

 

Good luck

[The Collector]

What's wrong with you is that you are addicted to the drama that this roller-coaster relationship delivers. You will occasionally tire, get a nice guy bf for a few months to soak up all the negativity, then dump his boring ass and jump back into some crazy affair that will never work out and cause you pain.

 

When your biological clock starts ticking, or you get knocked up by Johnny Bad Boy, you'll need Mr Nice Guy Emotional Tampon Good Provider a lot more, so you'll convince yourself you've grown up and will stick at the boring 'no tears' relationship until your kids get old enough, or you drive Mr Nice Guy so crazy you have to leave him, then you'll be back on the drama-circuit til you drop.

 

My advice is that you accept you like a challenging man, but trade this one in for one you can trust a bit more. There is a middle ground of men with backbones that will also treat you with respect. Or does that not sound so much fun?

[lindya]

I just need some advice. My question is: how can I let go of someone who is breaking my heart?

I don't even know how to start NC.

 

Thx for listening... K

 

By starting to think in terms of self preservation?

 

I think a major switch in self perception is necessary to get past situations like this. Everything about your post suggests that you're absolutely entrenched in victim mode just now.

 

Please don't think I mean that in an insulting way, or am implying that you're enjoying being a victim. What I mean is that, for whatever reason, you got into a relationship where you spend a lot of time feeling/being treated like a victim. The Collector has mentioned "drama". Well. People - male and female alike - are often attracted to drama. Drama is the polar opposite of boredom, so it makes sense that people would try to spice up the mundane with bits and pieces of drama. Often the most obvious way to do that is via their romantic lives.

 

You'll stay in this relationship for as long as you believe that it can give you something that you wouldn't otherwise get. What's that something? Is it excitement? Passion? A little bit of magic? Whatever the magnetic attraction, you need to figure it out and incorporate it into who you are.

 

For instance, say A is an introverted "nice girl" who falls in love with B - a very extrovert "bad boy". He doesn't treat her well, but she's hooked on his outgoing nature. He's all sorts of things she wishes she could be.

 

The solution for A isn't to carry on in this miserable situation, being pushed further and further into the oppressive role of "nice introvert" and living in bad boy's shadow. Well, not unless she wants a miserable existence. What she needs to do is acknowledge "I like A, B and C about Bad Boy, but instead of clinging onto this unhappy relationship with him just because I happen to rather admire those things, I think it's time I started to experiment with incorporating those aspects I like into my own behaviour. Becoming a little bit more of a Bad Girl.

 

I don't mean bad in the sense of treating others like sh*t. I mean bad in that you do what you want to do, without allowing yourself to be constantly held back by other people's opinions and judgements. Being a bit more free. Not needing to be liked by everyone. Developing a bit of gumption and giving back as good as you get when someone tries to put you down.

 

You'll never be free, and you'll never bloom, as long as you stay in this unhappy situation with a guy who's happy for you to fester in the role of victim while he looks good at your expense.

 

How do you go into No Contact? Well, the technicalities are simple. You tell him that you've had enough of the situation now, and don't want to hear from him again. Then you delete all texts and emails from him. Delete his phone number.

 

How you handle all that emotionally? I seriously think it's worth investing a few hundred pounds/dollars/whatever currency in some proper counselling sessions to help you through it. Making "getting through this" a project. A challenge. Getting a few book recommendations from friends, this site, and your counsellor (if you go to one).

 

Most of all, being absolutely clear with yourself that these actions are all about freeing yourself from a bad relationship, and not about hoping that he will somehow see the light and come grovelling back to you with all kinds of promises about better treatment in the future. I've been there, I've heard the apologies and promises - and I can assure you, whatever the good intentions might be in these situations, they very quickly fall by the wayside once you get back together with someone who just isn't right for you.

[buckdawg]

What everone else said but also take a good hard close look at yourself and ask why did I stay in this relationship so long? figure out that answer and you'll know next time not to fall in the same trap

[Bosiell]

Why do you love him?? Why have you wasted too many of your precious years with him already?? Just look at all the reasons you have listed here and keep asking WHY?

 

Soz to sounds abrupt Precious but hey.. I would NEVER treat a woman that way, no genuine guy would. So it just gets my ****ter up when I see a_holes like this who has someone who loves him! Erm WHY?

[Precious K]

Thx for the replies everyone-

 

Collector- it seemed a lil harsh you said things but some of it is true. With 5yrs I must be addicted how can I not be. But I can't break out. I do like a challenging man but not the one who treats me like shhht. Being in a roller coaster relationship impacts you at the beginning and with time I've become passive thinking this is just one of his phases. He'll change but I kid myself everyday that it will happen. Why won't he let me go? This must affect his life too.

I've been in another relationship where I'm happy and everything is fine. My x at the time found out and he crawled back to me saying how much he's changed and how he's grown up. In between me and him I'm the one who is the better provider. I have stability in my life while he still doesn't know what to do with his life. I've begged and pleaded for him to realize how much he's hurting him but he gets it for the day and he continues being his idiot self the next.

 

Lindya-

I get it, what I'm missing in my life that he gives me. I've always said I hate the drama he's given me. I guess I've settled with who he is. I've stayed because in the back of my mind I have that hope that he will see that what's he has done to me is wrong. I do fight him I do stand my ground but by being in this relationship I still loose.

 

So yesterday we only exchanged a few txt msgs and that was that. He always tells me he loves me but I just don't believe him anymore. He said he was going to call me today so I'm planning on finally ending this relationship for good. I just hope I'm strong enough to end this. I hate this. I feel he just keeps me around for his entertainment.

[abeliever]

Collector you are a master of words (a wordsmith)! We like you want to believe that the person you love will come around and do the right thing. Only our right thing is not theirs. Sometimes we hear and see what is not there and lie to ourselves telling ourselves they will come around and simply they don't. Then here you are stuck and wondering WTF! So, here is something I too am learning. Sit quietly, listen to your body and your thoughts, quiet, listen. YOUR answer is in YOU not in him. Take what you think you should do and move on.

 

Easier said than done? Not really, you are worth it. Or the other alternative, waste many more years and saying & doing the same things to yourself and back on this site not growing. The choice is in you and I am confident YOU can do what YOU need to do for YOU. Don't you??? Its not about him its about YOU and your HAPPINESS.

 

I wish you the best of luck, remember, YOU are the driver of your OWN life no one else!!

 

 

abeliever

[Precious K]

Oh my... Its like 10 right now and in the pit of my stomach I have this bad feeling. I'm completely scared of what will happen with my 'bf'... I know tonight is the time to leave him and find a new way of living for me. But thinking that somehow some way I'm helping myself makes me anxious.

I want to run so far as he won't find me but I can't because I respect him enough to talk to him. To let him know what's going on. This is so horrible. I don't even know if he will call. But even thinking of leaving him makes my stomach hurt. Knowing that he will just move on to the next girl he has his eye on. Knowing that this won't bother him and he will just say 'f it'... How can a man that claims to love you hurt you so bad?

[Trialbyfire]

He treats you this way because you allow it. Time to do the deed and remove an abusive situation from your life. You know he's not good for you. One-sided love can't keep a relationship going.

 

You can do it. Stand up for yourself and walk away.

[Precious K]

So midnight hit and guess what? He didn't call. No surprise there. Tomorrow morning he will txt me a lame excuse as to why he couldn't call me. Most of them no actually all of them lies. I took the initiative to call him though. He didn't answer so I left a vm saying " hi X well I was calling because I had to talk to you tonight and I think you know why. But okay have a good night bye" I feel stupid for calling in the first place but I'm doing okay. I'm not freaking out or getting an anxiety attack. All I wanted tonight was to tell him good bye. Now I don't know how to tell him that I'm leaving him.

How can I do it?

Its sad how someone will claim to love you and destroy your whole self-esteem. I'm getting mad at myself that he had this power over me and controlling my life.

So here is to another night that he has control. Another day that ill stare at my phone and another day that I can't start NC.

I just want my life back... Gosh I need help.

[Fancee]

The only real reason you need to tell him this is to take your power back. Other than that; its no real reason to tell someone that. Just stop calling and answering their calls. If they find you be nice and cordial and when they leave continue not to talk or answer their calls.

 

If you find it harder than you thought to break up with him then start winging yourself and dating other guys. It guys out there just waiting on a princess like you to come and sweep them off their feet. Its going to all work out fine.

[Pentula77]

He's gaming you Precious...he's predictable as well..."honey I call you tomorrow" tomorrow comes and guess what...he plays on your lack of self esteem and self respect...only people with low integrity can do this.

[Precious K]

He's gaming you Precious...he's predictable as well..."honey I call you tomorrow" tomorrow comes and guess what...he plays on your lack of self esteem and self respect...only people with low integrity can do this.

 

Everyone here is right and I see how I'm allowing myself to be control. He also chooses his way of being with me. And I allow him. I've lost so much of me, I see myself as a whole different person... I'm tired of being the victim, I'm tired of being so nice.

This morning I wake up to a msg he left me really early saying : "Hey I'm sorry I missed your call, I fell asleep really early. And I just woke up"

Now I'm over analizing every word. I'm wondering if I came out being needy?! I haven't responded and I'm just trying to let it go. But I can't seem to delete the msg. I've gone about deleting e-mails, deleting him from my aim buddy list and I was so strong to delete his number. Even though I know his number by heart. I don't have the nerve to e-mal to break up with him or call him again.

I was just wondering what if I just avoid him will that make me a jerk like him?

 

so here is to the beginning of NC day 1. Thank you all.

[Trialbyfire]

The two of you have had an on again/off again relationship for 5 years. I would call him and get it over with.

[Newtotheblogthing]

It's an addictive relationship. I have had the same experience and I don't know about you but I really thought I couldn't live without him. Somehow I became the person who couldn't be happy without him. I understand the drama, the way you were treated and at some point in the relationship I began to think that behavior was ok, well, not ok but I didn't want to leave. I rebelled, we fought, I was the victim, the perpetrator.. it's complicated but at the end of the day as much as I would like to think I this isn't true... my self worth was depleted. I was willing to be there no matter how he treated me. My need was greater than my self love.

 

I don't know about you but it's very difficult to admit this to myself because by all outward appearences you would never suspect this is the way I think.

 

This weekend I had to truly let this go, commit to working on myself and doing things that are going to make me realize that I don't NEED this person to be happy. I love him but at what cost?

 

There are pleny of men who don't believe it's ok to talk to us like that, to treat us with disrespect.. we just have to believe we deserve it. Underneath it all, it could be fear of abandonment, who knows you have to do the work to see your patterns but it's NOT OK. AND WE DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS OURSELVES. We blame them and they are responsible for their actions but WE keep going back thinking it will change. Doing the same thing and expecting different results.

 

I literally had my tarot cards read twice this weekend because I was so desperate for some guidance. Both said the same thing.. give it a couple of months, let it go for now.. In my case, I know he cares for me deeply but he's not showing it and I am now unwilling to accept his breadcrumbs just to get my "fix". Try to focus on you right now. If it's at all possible. It took me a while to even want to try.

Hang in there!!

[Precious K]

How are you.. Sorry about last night I wanted to call but I fell asleep. I ain't going nowhere babe. I don't want to lose you."... I feel so damn guilty about telling him its over. He always does this to me. How can he be so care less about this relationship. I don't plan on saying anything. I'm just walking away, that's all I can do.

 

20 minutes later:

 

I text him back and here is how it went:

Me-I care about you a lot, but I just can't be with you anymore.

Him-Why not?

Me-I just don't see you and me working out

Him-Why is that??

Me-I didn't want say it this way.

Him-How about in person?

Me-Ill miss you and ill always care. I wish you more than the best.

Him-Why not???

Me-Is that all you can say?

Me-Just forget this.

Him-I'm at work not much I really can say.. I'm hurt by your decision

 

Yeah so does this seem like a person that would care. Nope, now I don't have an excuse but to move on. Its painful, my heart felt like it sunk somewhere in the sea. I can't really seem to get myself to cry. So what's next?