passionateconfusion Posted October 10, 2007 Posted October 10, 2007 I am having lunch tomorrow with the man I love. It has been 1 month since I have seen or spoken to him. A little history: I met him last November and we were enjoying a wonderful relationship. He had been seperated from his wife for 5.5 years (he and his wife were fighting, he moved into the basement for a year prior to leaving - she found out he had an affair - he left - the affair ended - he then dated/lived with a woman for 2 years), he also has two girls aged 8 and 10. I challenged him on many levels including reaffirming that his children should be a priority - he is a great father and I never stood in the way of that. Back in March I received an email saying that he feels that he was denying his children a family and though he didn't love his wife he felt he needed to move back to the marital home for the kids. From the time he made this decision we continued to see one another, cycle, dinner etc. We were 'hands off' for the most part. In July around the time of my birthday things went back to 'normal' with us until I questioned him in mid-August if he was still planning on going back to which he replied 'yes'. Needless to say, I was distraught once again. It has been up and down for six months. Sept. 13 was the last I saw and spoke to him. I asked him if this was the last time I would see him - he said 'we would see eachother in a few months'. This past month has been so hard. I know he is very confused and guilt ridden. His kids were away most of the summer and though him and his wife were having dinner occasionaly most of his time was with me. It was only after the kids returned that we have been NC. I know this will be hard for many of you to swallow but I went and saw a spiritualist/medium and she was right on with what she said. I am not only referring to the relationship but my personality, family, work which really amazed me. Most of all, seeing her gave me peace - peace in the knowledge that I know he has to do this to truly figure out what he wants. I know he loves me and until he finds his own peace and sorts out his confusion he would never me 'mine'. Last week I sent him an email saying 'I miss you' to which he responded 'maybe lunch next week'. So here it is, the eve before lunch and I am nervous,excited and a flood of other emotions. Any suggestions as to how I should 'act'?
KATANYA Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Do you have a "plan" for the lunch tomorrow? Is it to finally find out what his plan is? Is it to say goodbye if he plans on staying with his W and kids? Are you ok with being the OW if he decides he wants his family and you as well? Does his W know you and he have been involved (they have been separated afterall!) I guess how you should act depends on what you want and need to hear tomorrow.........I think I would need to know once and for all where I stood. You sound like a kind person and you've certainly given him space, been respectful of his attempts to clear his mind and make his decisions without pressure from you, etc.......now maybe its time for YOU! I can imagine how excited and nervous you are for tomorrow......I hope it all turns out as you hope it will! How to act? Be yourself and trust your gut!
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2007 Posted October 11, 2007 Keep your expectations very low...Meaning, don't expect things to go back to the way they were before. Last thing you want to deal with slipping backwards into just being his OW while he is working on his marriage. Speak your heart, listen to what he has to say. You've got nothing to lose...The NC for a month I'm sure has been hard on you, but during that one month, you've detached from him emotionally, gotten out of the habit of speaking to him, having him in your daily life, so that is a good thing to have to land on incase things don't go well. Good luck and try not to worry.
Author passionateconfusion Posted October 11, 2007 Author Posted October 11, 2007 Katanya, Thank you so much for responding. Do you have a "plan" for the lunch tomorrow? By profession, I am a planner but I had to resign myself to not have a plan. My intial reaction when he suggested lunch was that he was feeling badly for hurting me and because I miss him. Then I thought about it, it was his suggestion to get together so I can't anticipate. Is it to finally find out what his plan is? When last I saw him it was going to be 'any day now'. I dont know for certain but I drive by his condo on the way to work and he has had a chair on his balcony and it is still there. I don't think he has moved as yet. Is it to say goodbye if he plans on staying with his W and kids? When I last saw him I asked him if this was good-bye and he said a couple of months - so it has been one month - I love him too much too say goodbye in the same way I love him enough to know he has to do this. Are you ok with being the OW if he decides he wants his family and you as well? No, he and the family have been in limbo for 5.5 years. If I maintained an OW relationship with him he would be 'having his cake and eating'. He needs to make a decision and figure this all out. He is a fence sitter and having me there is too easy for him. Does his W know you and he have been involved (they have been separated afterall!) She knows about his ex g/f but not me. She too had a b/f that was living with her in the marital home - he moved out west. I guess how you should act depends on what you want and need to hear tomorrow.........I think I would need to know once and for all where I stood. You sound like a kind person and you've certainly given him space, been respectful of his attempts to clear his mind and make his decisions without pressure from you, etc.......now maybe its time for YOU! I can imagine how excited and nervous you are for tomorrow......I hope it all turns out as you hope it will! How to act? Be yourself and trust your gut! Thank you for your kind words. I sent him this email on Sept. 25: find myself needing to send this. I haven't emailed etc. because I wanted you to see that I respect you and what you need to do. I'm not going to pretend to know what is going on inside that mind of yours but I do know what is going on in mine. I need you to know that I am here. I bear no resentment or anger. I have come to learn and understand some things and that has given me peace - peace is of God - and in that I trust. Too often we say things we don't mean and you know me well enough to know that I speak from my depths. When I say ILY, I am not saying it for the 'romantic feel good warm fuzzy' but rather for the person you are - the good and the bad. 'Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.' 1 Corinthians 13 Please don't let pride or the guilt feelings because you think you've hurt me stand in the way of whatever the future may bring. I don't require a response. All those little phrases that end with 'you' still apply. For all the times I have heard and read the passage from Corinthians, that was the first time I had felt it. For me, that is what love is all about.
frannie Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 PC, I don't suppose I'm the only person here wondering how it went..? (apologies if I've missed the follow-up somewhere).
OWoman Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 PC, I don't suppose I'm the only person here wondering how it went..? (apologies if I've missed the follow-up somewhere). There was brief mention on Bobby's thread.
Author passionateconfusion Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 I'm touched you want to hear how it went! We were supposed to meet on Thursday but he called and he was sick. I told him that I had been looking forward to seeing him and that I missed him; he felt the same way. He said he would contact me on Friday which he did. We met for 11:45. I wasn't nervous and when I saw him my heart skipped a beat. After the pleasantries we started talking ... He hasn't moved batck and doesn't think he will. He has been doing a lot of thinking and still hasn't figured it out but he is getting there. I told him of the peace I had found and I only wanted the same for him. I let him know I understand he needs to do this on his own without me being there. He knows that if he moves back that there is no love or sex (those are his words). We will meet for lunch again, I will continue not to call and let him do what he has to. I will continue to take this time to learn and grow on my own as I encouraged him to do too. One day at a time ...
overandout Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 PC, from what you have written, this man seems serious about wanting a future with you, but he is obviously confused and he has children too. He has made the break from home and has said that he isn't moving back but you are sensible enough to give him space so that he can figure out what he really wants. He is bound to be all over the place as it is a big decision for him with huge repercussions. I don't know but he has sort of put his money where his mouth is and has shown that he doesn't love his wife by leaving her. He isn't happy with stringing you both along. I think and hope you have a future with this man. Just goes to show that if a mm wants something bad enough he will make it happen. Keep posting, as I would love to see this work out for you, although I am sure it is a nerve racking time.
KATANYA Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Hi PC.....thanks for the update. I too am rooting that this works out for you. You really sound like you have this situation under control and that you are at peace with yourself and your own life....if he chooses to be part of that it will only enhance what you have already found in yourself. Please do keep us up to date and keep your faith.
Author passionateconfusion Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Thank you O&O and Kat. It has been a hard month. Work has kept me very busy and my job involves a lot of detail and focus. Needless to say at the beginning it was difficult to do that. I'm glad you mentioned faith as in this journey I have truly felt the hand of God. Initially it was in the peace I felt but then something else happened yesterday after I met with him. Let me preface by saying that part of the reason that things didn't work out with his ex g/f was that she wanted to know when he would divorce and would he 'look after her' - she questioned him on that and that bothered him. He does well in his job and has also invested wisely. I too do well however in my younger years was foolish with my money and got myself into some financial trouble and he is aware of that and I know it bothers him. After I left lunch I was invited to my parents for dinner. I only moved at the end of July (this was also something that bothered him - that I was living at home). I love my parents dearly but I do keep things to myself and that bothers my parents. After dinner I sat with my parents and shared with them what had been going on with MM. I wanted to share this with them simply out of love and respect. I let them know that I wasn't looking for advice or opinion. They appreciated me opening up to them. Just before I left they asked me to sit down. I have 2 brothers and 1 sister. My parents told me that they had given each of them a 'substantial' amount of money and wanted to do the same for me. Each of us equal. I was and still am overwhelmed by this gesture of their love. On the same day I see my love, share my story with my parents I am also given this monetary windfall. One of the concerns of the MM is no longer a concern. I will tell him the next time we meet as I know this is an important thing for him to know. He knows that I am a giver and it has never been about his money. I will now be able to let him know that yes, I want you to take care of me but I don't need you to as I have my own nest egg. I truly do feel the hand of God in all of this ...
OWoman Posted October 13, 2007 Posted October 13, 2007 Hey PC that sounds really really great! It sounds like everything's coming together for you, piece by piece! I hope your MM finds his peace too in the not too distant future, so that you can build a solid future together with no unresolved stuff lurking. :cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool::cool:
Author passionateconfusion Posted October 13, 2007 Author Posted October 13, 2007 Thanks OWoman ... He is worth the wait (though sooner would be preferable). It is good to see him evolving. It is also good to know that I am ok on my own - just better with him.
PoshPrincess Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 Hi PC, have really enjoyed reading this thread because (a) your MM does seem genuine and (b) you are dealing with things in a level headed and mature way. I think what you are doing with giving MM his space is totally the right thing and I am sure that it will all work out for you in the end. Congrats on the windfall from your parents too. That must be a real weight off your mind! x
Author passionateconfusion Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Hi Posh and thank you. You are right, he is genuine and this is a struggle for him. It is innate in me to want to fix things and comfort and be there but I know in this instance I can't - this is something he has to do on his own. He is so up and down he needs to find that balance. Yes, the windfall from my parents has lifted a huge weight off my shoulders now the decisions on the best thing to do with it, investing will be my best option for the future. I truly have been blessed.
Lyssa Posted October 15, 2007 Posted October 15, 2007 PC, this is good news. You seem to know very well what you want and can tolerate. I wish you all the best and will hold my two thumbs for things to work out the way you want it!!
Author passionateconfusion Posted October 15, 2007 Author Posted October 15, 2007 Thanks Lyssa, I appreciate your support and the thumbs up.
Recommended Posts