SadHatter Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Well guys, I posted on here last week that my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me. She's 18, I'm 25. Obviously when we first started dating, a few people raised eyebrows because of our ages, most notably her parents, but then they got to know me and we got on really well so everything was OK. I also look very young for my age (20/21) and she looks and did act a lot older. I hadn't intended to fall for her, but you know how these things go... Our relationship was amazing. Never argued, always had such a laugh together and we really loved each other. She was and still is planning on going to university, which will mean that she's moving about 2 hours drive away. However, we always said that we'd be OK, and I'd go to see her at weekends, and she'd come back here when she could. Lots of people make it work, so why can't we. However, this past week she broke up with me totally out of blue. She said she wasn't happy, spoke to me on the phone in tears, and said it was over. I was gobsmacked. We talked for an hour or so and she completely reversed her thoughts and did a 360 in the hour, saying it was impossible to break up with me and she loves me. She said she wanted to spend the next three weeks together and see how she felt. The next morning I sent her a text message and asked her how she felt. She said she felt bad about the situation and knew that in three weeks time she'd be saying the same thing again. I replied, "Just do what you want, I'm sick of this." She replied, "I'm sorry, it really is over. Always be you, you're great. xxx" We didn't speak then for 4/5 days (and this is a girl who rings me at least three times a day, so I expected her to 'buckle' and ring, but she didn't). So my sister suggested that I write her a letter to explain how I feel, so I did. I didn't beg her to get back with me or anything like that, I just explained how I felt and tried to be very mature about everything. She called me and thanked me for the letter, and said she will always treasure it and it is a great reminder of the 2 years we spent together. But that her decision stood and her mind was made up and always will be. She said she will write me a letter back but she needs more time. I asked why she was doing this and she said because she doesn't want commitment right now and that if she wasn't going to university in a year's time, she would still be with me. But she knows when she goes to university we'll end up breaking up, so she sees that we'd be wasting time now. I enquired, "So in this next year before university, if you fall head over heels in love with someone, you're still not going to get with them?" and she replied, "No...100%. I love you. If I was going to be with anyone I'd be with you. But I don't want commitment right now." She continued that we can either be friends or go no contact, which will be very hard for her, but if we do remain friends, she won't keep having this conversation, we're over and friends means friends. My sister is due to have a baby any day now and my girlfriend had been so excited about it. She asked me, "Can you do me a favour please? Can you please let me know when your sister has the baby, because I still feel that I am waiting for it." What does everyone think of this situation. How can someone say they love you but now want to be with you? I asked her if she loves me like a friend or more and she said more... so why would you do this? It's the most crazy break up I've ever heard of - you love someone but won't be with them?! Thanks guys, any advice about this and where I should go from this point forwards would be very much appreciated. Should I tell her when my sister gives birth? Is this stuff she's saying all an excuse?
Lance Taylor Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Sadhatter, let me start out by telling you i feel for you. I know it seems like no onec can feel what you are going through right now, but maybe I can give you some advice. Believe it or not, this seems to be one of the most common ways for relationships to end. Especially when people her age are involved. Instead of being brutally honest, they will usually just say that they need some space and slowly end things while telling you that they still love you. I guess they feel less guilt for doing it this way. I believe that she does love you, but she doesnt feel the same attraction that she used to. When you are with someone for that long, you inevitably become attached and have deep feelings for the other person. However, many times breakups occur because one person loses the attraction that first made them fall in love. So, yes its crazy but not uncommon. You now have to ask yourself what you want. If you want her back, then you have to begin by determining what went wrong. Where did she lose the attraction? There are a number of things that routinely cause this, neediness, jealousy, lack of effort, etc. But without knowing anything about your relationship, the easiest way to determine what went wrong is to ask How are you different now than when you first started dating? Do you still dress up before you see her? comb your hair, brush your teeth, etc.? Do you do fun things with her like when you first started dating? or do you just spend boring time together? Do you still expend the same amount of energy into the relationship that you did when you were trying to win her over? or do you just kinda coast by because you became comfortable? Do you have other things going on in your life? or are you dependent on her presence for your happiness? Once you have determined what about you has changed from the time you started dating until now, then you can begin to start changing those things in your life. Now, at her age it may be very hard to win her back. But without making yourself appear to be someone who has some value, you will definitely not win her back. My best advice would be to work on those areas, then start doing other things. See other people, start a hobby, anything, just dont appear desparate! The point of this whole dense post is to create a situation where she is asking you to take her back. You will never be able to get her back by presenting a logical argument about why you should be together. Women make decisions on emotion not by logic. So you cant get her back by asking her to take you back. You have to make her feel the emotions that will make her want you back. Then she will come up with the logic on her own. Hope this helps, and good luck!
Author SadHatter Posted October 1, 2007 Author Posted October 1, 2007 I have definitely been looking after myself in dress sense/hygiene... people always comment that I look nice, so without sounding arrogant, that isn't an issue I don't think. In fact, my look is totally different now in my hair, clothes etc. to when I first met my girlfriend...I wear the clothes and have the hair she liked, she sorta 'groomed' me!
Green Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 go get a new gf preferably one thats not in HS (unless of course you really want another HS girl). Your 25 but you sound like you havnt had many experiences dating different girls. She's over you, your the first person she broke up with since she's a kid and shes no good at it... She doesnt want to date you anymore it seems very clear to me. Go date other girls
Reactor Posted October 1, 2007 Posted October 1, 2007 Indeed Lance, you speaketh the truth. I know what you must be going through Sadhatter. I had it done to me almost under the same circumstance (except she broke up with me over the telephone after she went home from Uni). It hurts like hell, and the problem is that you can't make it go away, you have to face it. I know it sounds stupid, but if I were you I would just forget her. I know you can't just turn off your feelings and not want to be with her, but for your own good you have too. I like you thought I could win my ex back, and I would've of done anything to have her back. Even now, 4 months on I still feel the pain of being without her and sometimes really want her by my side. But even so, I now know, that even if she did come running back to me (0% chance of that happening) I wouldn't take her back. And that is what you must do. Am I over her? No way but I am confident this pain will not last forever. I really do recommend you go NC and leave it at that, remove everything that reminds you of her from your life and move on. If she calls you, remain calm and don't cry out your feelings (I did this) its not good and younger women tend see this as weakness. I hate to say it, but generally if a woman is under 25 she won't be looking to commit, but I cannot say in your case, only you know what your ex is like in real life. If I were you I would take this as an opportunity to reinvent yourself, go out with friends and try and have a good time (and try dating other women, eventually). Do it for yourself. You never know, she may see you having fun and think 'Damn, what have I left behind?' But that shouldn't be your motive for doing it. I will say that if she did love you as much as she claimed she wouldn't of decided to break up with you in the first place, sorry to be cold, but thats just the way I and many others see it. Shes probably starting to go through her 'teen-life jitters' as a I call them (how they affect a person is generally down to maturity), they happen to all of us eventually (it seems to more obvious in women I've noticed) and sometimes they go through a period where they don't want a boyfriend, it happened to me too with my ex. She wanted to be in a relationship with me, and then she didn't. It sounds like your ex has decided that Uni will be the time where she goes free and single, maybe for a month or two, maybe for a year, whatever. Do yourself a favour, and move on. Chalk it up to experience and move on (and I know its easy for me to say, but eventually you'll get sick and tired of thinking about one person over and over, instead of the person who really matters - yourself). Good Luck, Reactor
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