should you contact bw if child involved?

[pjean]

if the ow and mm have a child together and the bw knows nothing about A or child should ow just get everything out in the open and tell her? what should ow do? MM isnt going to tell his bw and they have grown children of their own together. he says he is happily mm with a family, but does he now have 2 families???? totally confused on what to do???

[OWoman]

if the ow and mm have a child together and the bw knows nothing about A or child should ow just get everything out in the open and tell her? what should ow do? MM isnt going to tell his bw and they have grown children of their own together. he says he is happily mm with a family, but does he now have 2 families???? totally confused on what to do???

 

 

I'm not sure what the legal situation in your country is, but in mine, he's responsible for his child and must pay child support until the child becomes financially independent or reaches adulthood, whether or not the parents are married to each other, or what kind of marriage (legal, traditional, muslim rites, etc.) If his name is on the birth certificate, and he admits paternity, that's a clear cut case; else you might need to prove paternity through testing (he can't refuse - a court will make the order if he does) in order to compel him to comply. The courts will determine how much he pays per month, and will enforce the order if he doesn't stick to it - "deadbeat dads" can be jailed or have their salaries docked. Find out what your situation there is, and let him know what his responsibilitlies are.

 

Yes, he does now have two families, and he's responsible for all of his children.

 

Whether or not he tells his wife about his second family is a different matter - as long as he keeps to his responsibilities there's no legal reason for his wife to be told. Many wives only find out about second families on the death of the H when they see the provision in the will for a second W (in Muslim or traditional Ms) and other children in a second family.

[PoshPrincess]

if the ow and mm have a child together and the bw knows nothing about A or child should ow just get everything out in the open and tell her? what should ow do? MM isnt going to tell his bw and they have grown children of their own together. he says he is happily mm with a family, but does he now have 2 families???? totally confused on what to do???

 

I definitely think the W has a right to know but am not sure whether it is your place to tell her. It is unfair on her that she is bringing up his children and that he is supporting another that she knows nothing about (assuming he IS supporting you).

 

Are you and MM together? If not, then you have nothing to lose by telling the W. If you are, then you really have to talk him into telling her, but be prepared for the possibility of losing him when she finds out.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I guess it depends on why you want her to know, and what you are expecting to get out of her knowing. What are your motives? What do you want to see come of it?

[noforgiveness]

He tells you he is happily married? Why the involvement and hild with you then? How long have you been his OW?

 

 

He's happily married.:mad:His poor wife. Talk about being blindsided. Yes you have to tell her. She needs to know so she can choose her future based on facts not lies. I hate these men. Cakeeating scum.

[TogetherForever]

The mm needs to man-up & tell his wife.

[NoIDidn't]

The emotional damage that you and your child's father are doing to your child right now is huge and only going to get bigger the older the child gets.

 

At this point it really doesn't matter who tells her or for what reasons. Your child deserves better than to be a secret. You should not allow him to have an A with his own child.

 

Tell the W yourself if you value your child's emotional development. If the child is under 3-years-old, you can head off the warped thinking that will develop after 6 if you keep this going the way it has been.

 

Just my two cents, spoken from experience.

[pjean]

He tells you he is happily married? Why the involvement and hild with you then? How long have you been his OW?

 

 

He's happily married.:mad:His poor wife. Talk about being blindsided. Yes you have to tell her. She needs to know so she can choose her future based on facts not lies. I hate these men. Cakeeating scum.

 

we are still together and going on 2 years. child is <1. he totally supports our child and we still have a relationship. he says he is happily married...i have to think different (or that something is lacking) if he finds the relationship with me necessary.

[pjean]

The emotional damage that you and your child's father are doing to your child right now is huge and only going to get bigger the older the child gets.

 

At this point it really doesn't matter who tells her or for what reasons. Your child deserves better than to be a secret. You should not allow him to have an A with his own child.

 

Tell the W yourself if you value your child's emotional development. If the child is under 3-years-old, you can head off the warped thinking that will develop after 6 if you keep this going the way it has been.

 

Just my two cents, spoken from experience.

 

 

child is <1 so they dont really know what is going on right now

[pjean]

I guess it depends on why you want her to know, and what you are expecting to get out of her knowing. What are your motives? What do you want to see come of it?

 

i dont expect to get anything for myself out of it. i see mm struggling and torn all the time. he is a wonderful father and not being able to share this child with his family kills him. he doesnt want to hurt his w or other children, but he enjoys and wants to share this child. later on i want our child to have that extended family, as they are all wonderful people. he is very close to this child and visits often, he totally supports child and doesnt deny his love for child. i just feel if his bw knew he would not have to hide anymore. dont bw eventually always find out anyways? I want him to tell her...i dont want her to find out any other way

[pjean]

The mm needs to man-up & tell his wife.

 

i want him to tell her...i dont want her to find out any other way or by any other person. also, i think MM does love his w and family he has with her, but i think he also loves and wants our family. he made a committment to his w and their family and says he cant break that committment, but not being fully committed to me and our child isnt fair to us, but he doesnt want to lose us or us be with any other man. this situation sucks!

[whichwayisup]

I feel sad for ALL the children involved in this messy situation. They're the ones who will suffer eventually.

 

Your MM doesn't want to tell his wife and come clean about you and his baby with you because HE KNOWS his wife will kick him out and divorce him. There is NO WAY that she'd stay married to him, allow your child to become part of their family. Too much pain involved...This man is living a double life, betraying his wife, his own family. He's lying to EVERYONE, hiding the truth.

 

This is a waiting ticking bomb, it's only a matter of time before action takes place.

[Je Ne Regrette Rien]

I'm sorry for your situation, p.

 

The problem is the child. Your child doesn't deserve to live as a secret. All the joy he or she brings to you should never have to be marred by possible discovery. I'm sorry to call you're child a "problem".

 

I think MM should take the responsbility of telling his W, but I do think you should encourage him to do so. I think keeping your child a secret is storing up major problems for the future in your childs life and it should be up to the adults to deal with the problems now.

[pjean]

I feel sad for ALL the children involved in this messy situation. They're the ones who will suffer eventually.

 

Your MM doesn't want to tell his wife and come clean about you and his baby with you because HE KNOWS his wife will kick him out and divorce him. There is NO WAY that she'd stay married to him, allow your child to become part of their family. Too much pain involved...This man is living a double life, betraying his wife, his own family. He's lying to EVERYONE, hiding the truth.

 

This is a waiting ticking bomb, it's only a matter of time before action takes place.

 

 

I was not speaking necessarily of their immediate family, but his extended (grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc.) he is living a double life...i see it tearing him up. i dont think i can convince him to just tell her....i know i cant convince him to tell her. i have tried to convince him to tell me what options i have...1. stay with him like it is or 2. leave him and find another man to be in my life full-time and raise our child. of course option 2 he doesnt like because he says other man will 1. never make me happy 2. will only hurt me and 3. will posion me against him

[whichwayisup]

1. stay with him like it is or 2. leave him and find another man to be in my life full-time and raise our child. of course option 2 he doesnt like because he says other man will 1. never make me happy 2. will only hurt me and 3. will posion me against him

1)manipulation.

2)manipulation.

3)manipuation.

 

So, his aunts, uncles and grandparents know you two are having an affair and know you two have had a child together?

 

ALL of you are making a FOOL of his wife, and his other children. It's just so wrong.

 

SHE WILL find out somehow, and I'm shocked that noone has given her the heads up.

[pjean]

I'm sorry for your situation, p.

 

The problem is the child. Your child doesn't deserve to live as a secret. All the joy he or she brings to you should never have to be marred by possible discovery. I'm sorry to call you're child a "problem".

 

I think MM should take the responsbility of telling his W, but I do think you should encourage him to do so. I think keeping your child a secret is storing up major problems for the future in your childs life and it should be up to the adults to deal with the problems now.

 

he will never do it. i think he should, but only him. its not going away, its only going to get worse with time (I think??) especially since he wants relationship with our child. i told him to just tell me he doesnt love us or want us and i will walk away...find another...he wont do it. he knows the situation is unfair to us. he knows he is not giving me what i deserve in a man, but i dont think his heart can bear losing us...if he doesnt tell his w then he is going to be stuck in this limbo double life...and the battle inside him is going to continue to get harder...

[whichwayisup]

So, why are you letting him complete control here. Why not take charge! Let him know you're giving him 6 months to tell his wife the truth. After that you will end it with him and move on without him.

[pjean]

1)manipulation.

2)manipulation.

3)manipuation.

 

So, his aunts, uncles and grandparents know you two are having an affair and know you two have had a child together?

 

ALL of you are making a FOOL of his wife, and his other children. It's just so wrong.

 

SHE WILL find out somehow, and I'm shocked that noone has given her the heads up.

 

no, no,...no one knows....

[whichwayisup]

Okay. So, he is making a FOOL of his wife, and you're helping him do just that.

 

If you want your life back, then end it NOW. Let's see what your MM is actually made of. DOES he have the balls to tell the truth.

 

You DO deserve more, unfortunately you'll never get it from him. Not unless he leaves his wife, and his kids to be with you.

 

Fast forward 5 years...This man is with you now...You two have another child together. You marry him...What is to stop him from doing to you exactly what he has done to his current wife? His vows, him creating children with his wife, his marriage, MEANS NOTHING. Could you trust him fully?

[pjean]

Okay. So, he is making a FOOL of his wife, and you're helping him do just that.

 

If you want your life back, then end it NOW. Let's see what your MM is actually made of. DOES he have the balls to tell the truth.

 

You DO deserve more, unfortunately you'll never get it from him. Not unless he leaves his wife, and his kids to be with you.

 

Fast forward 5 years...This man is with you now...You two have another child together. You marry him...What is to stop him from doing to you exactly what he has done to his current wife? His vows, him creating children with his wife, his marriage, MEANS NOTHING. Could you trust him fully?

 

i dont think he ants the hurt and fall out that will surely result from the truth. i love him, but i guess when i am hurt enough i will leave...

[whichwayisup]

i dont think he ants the hurt and fall out that will surely result from the truth. i love him, but i guess when i am hurt enough i will leave...

 

That is sad. And, what's even sadder is, you WILL hurt even more than you are now and you'll choose to stay and 'see' what happens..Somehow he'll give you hope, even though he'll have no intention of leaving his wife and children for you and your baby.

 

I wish you luck and I hope one day you get the strength to see him for who he is and are able to tell him goodbye and move on.

[a4a]

Why not put the child first.

 

Tell the MM to hit the road.

 

Tell MM to set up a bank account with only you getting access to it so he can continue to support the child at a agreed upon amount per month.

 

There is no reason to stir the crap and destroy so many people.

 

I can tell you that many people grow up without knowing their biological father and have strong male role models and do just fine.

 

If I were in your shoes I would let this MM off the hook for everything and not ever speak to him again. Have him sign over his parental rights and never think of him again. Find a quality man eventually that would be an outstanding father to my child.

 

If you are having some sort of a fantasy of this becoming one big happy family ..... you are wrong..... not going to happen.

[LucreziaBorgia]

no, no,...no one knows....

 

So, its bad enough that you are allowing him to have an affair with you and hide you like some nasty secret, but you are allowing him to have an affair with your child as well, and treat your child like some nasty, shameful secret?

 

I know you love him, but you need to love yourself and your child more. You chose to do this to yourself when you started dating a married man - don't make that same choice for your child as well.

[pjean]

So, its bad enough that you are allowing him to have an affair with you and hide you like some nasty secret, but you are allowing him to have an affair with your child as well, and treat your child like some nasty, shameful secret?

 

I know you love him, but you need to love yourself and your child more. You chose to do this to yourself when you started dating a married man - don't make that same choice for your child as well.

 

i dont want our child to be a secret (and i think it is killing him not being able to celebrate his youngest child)...but i feel strongly that he should be the one to tell his w. i dont think it should come from me, or anyone else. i wont contact her...i know who she is, where they live, phone numbers, etc. but i dont dare make any contact...i guess i just hope he will tell her before she finds out from a third party or just by accident. i guess the bw always finds out, yes? so it is not a matter of if but a matter of when and how?

[LucreziaBorgia]

He isn't going to tell his wife. Why would he?