hopeforlove243 Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 My bf of 2 years suddenly asked for spaces 2 months ago, he said I gave him too much pressure about marriage, and one of his friends happens to have a big fight with his wife, and started the divorce process, and that guy was telling him never get married again, blah, blah... So, I gave him the space he asked, next thing I know, he started dating other woman, he never even break up with me! he insists that they are just friends, even though I have found out that they have spent several weekends together. He is getting close to 50, and had a bad divorce before, he always say that he used to be rich, but now poor--with his divorce, he lost 70% of what he had, and he thinks woman all want man's money, even though I am financially doing very well, and he knows that. When we go out, we always split the bill, which I don't mind at all. We share a lots of common interests,and during the 2 years we were together, we spent all the time together as we can (when he doesn't have his kid around), which means weekday nights and weekends. Now, he still calls me every day, and ask me to do things with him on weekday nites(but not weekend). He said he likes to hang out with me, he enjoys talking to me, and he wants us to be friends and see how things goes. He also told me that he doesn't want to marry me, and maybe he will never get married because he is so scared of marriage. I told him I don't want to be friends, I want a boyfriend, if he is not ready for marriage, it is ok, I will wait, and just be happy with him. But then he said that I wanted to put him in a 'cage', he wants to be a bird, free... he suggested we both go out dating others while date each other. I feel so hurt, 2 years happiness, how can he just throw it out like that? I love him so much, it seems impossible for me to let him go, I tried break up with him several times, then, when he called, I eventually ended up go see him again. I kick myself for this, but I just don't know how to get over him and move on. Help me please!
Illicit Angel Posted September 22, 2007 Posted September 22, 2007 That is such a horrible way to be treated. How can he start dating other people when he was still with you! You don't need a man like that in your life, you deserve someone who will love and respect you. You are two completely different people, in different stages of their lives. If you want to wait for him thats fine and admirable but if he knows you will do this for him he won't change his ways ..... It's like his *having his cake and eating it* ... it's not even cheating because he tells you about it. If i were you i wouldn't answer his calls when he tries to hook up ... cut him out ....
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 I want to cut him out cold, but it is so hard to do it. I can't stop crying while reading your post, I know I deserve someone better, but it is so hard to get him out of my mind. I couldn't even tell my friends that he is seeing others now, I feel shamed to be treated like that. Yet, when he called, he is so sweet, charming, just melted my heart :( :( I even thought about moving away, but I can't, my job, my condo... I feel like that I want to get to his house on weekend, and find out who he is seeing, and tell her what he did to me, maybe that is a closure for me. I am so upset and confused, I totally lost myself... I used to a very happy person, now I just can't stop crying.
vivi Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 sorry you are going through this. I'm going through something similar. I'm getting the slow jilt...he calls me every day, but he's cutting back on the time we see each other. It's very painful, all the more so because he's not admitting anything..I guess he hopes I'll get the hint. I have found a group called "sex and love addicts anonymous" and you might google to find a group in your city. I went to my first meeting yesterday. I"m sorry to tell you this, but you and I are enmeshed with men who are selfish, manipulative cowards. They don't have the nuts to man up and tell it to us straight and they want to give us just enough to keep us engaged and enmeshed. At least your ex was man enough to tell you something. DO NOT get to his house on the weekends to see who else he is seeing. You will look and feel pathetic and it will NOT bring you closure, it will feed your sense of abandonment and betrayal. I can't urge you strongly enough not to do this. We have to have the strength to move on...
Spinderella Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Sorry you are going through this. He may be afraid of settling down, but it is no reason to treat you like this. He clearly wants to keep all his options open, and is being very selfish. If you want to be with him you have to force his hand to make a decision, and the only way to do that is to not be one of many options for him. He's either with you properly or he is not with you at all. Tell him this if you like, or just say it in actions. Youre not doing yourself any favours by acting like a doormat, and telling this other woman what he is like won't achieve anything of any benefit for you. Make yourself strong and dignified and independent, let him see what a great woman he has lost, by being strong enough to not be manipulated by him. If you dont feel strong, act it anyway. I dont really know why you want this man, but if you want him back, thats the only way to go about it.
VIP Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 He probably wants to have an open relationship. But that means he can end up being alone, because he is getting older. I think you can be friends with him, but don't consider him as a possible life partner. I think he doesn't like you enough to have an exclusive relationship with you, or may be he is confused and wants to see what else is out there before he understands what he needs.
Woggle Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 His friend getting the divorce is what is scaring him. I have two friends right now going through nasty divorces and it really has me doubting my my marriage sometimes. This is not fair to you but I don't blame him for being cautious. He has already been burned once and he is protecting himself. He should not be dating right now though because he should not have dragged you into this.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 sorry you are going through this. I'm going through something similar. I'm getting the slow jilt...he calls me every day, but he's cutting back on the time we see each other. It's very painful, all the more so because he's not admitting anything..I guess he hopes I'll get the hint. I have found a group called "sex and love addicts anonymous" and you might google to find a group in your city. I went to my first meeting yesterday. I"m sorry to tell you this, but you and I are enmeshed with men who are selfish, manipulative cowards. They don't have the nuts to man up and tell it to us straight and they want to give us just enough to keep us engaged and enmeshed. At least your ex was man enough to tell you something. DO NOT get to his house on the weekends to see who else he is seeing. You will look and feel pathetic and it will NOT bring you closure, it will feed your sense of abandonment and betrayal. I can't urge you strongly enough not to do this. We have to have the strength to move on... Vivi, thank you for your post, and sorry that we are on the similar boat. He is a selfish person, I know that, but I thought nobody is perfect. Love suppose to bring out the good of a person, but I love him so much, now it drives me crazy, even having the thought of going to his house on weekend make me scared, I am a good person with big heart (this is what he said), I hope I won't do something stupid. But how do you cope with this? are you willing to let him go? I want to, but I don't know how, cause I still deeply in love of him. I hope there is a switch somewhere that you can just turn it off the feeling for him, and walk away.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Sorry you are going through this. He may be afraid of settling down, but it is no reason to treat you like this. He clearly wants to keep all his options open, and is being very selfish. If you want to be with him you have to force his hand to make a decision, and the only way to do that is to not be one of many options for him. He's either with you properly or he is not with you at all. Tell him this if you like, or just say it in actions. Youre not doing yourself any favours by acting like a doormat, and telling this other woman what he is like won't achieve anything of any benefit for you. Make yourself strong and dignified and independent, let him see what a great woman he has lost, by being strong enough to not be manipulated by him. If you dont feel strong, act it anyway. I dont really know why you want this man, but if you want him back, thats the only way to go about it. Spinderella, thank you for your post. My mind tells me you are right, I should not let me be one of his many options, but my heart won't let him go Why do I still want to be with him? I thought he is the love of my life, we had many many good times together, and we hardly have any fight. He is selfish, but he has some good sides too, he is sweet, patient, well organized, he is a good father to his son, I don't think I can meet anyone who can share so many similar interests with me as him does, and we have no issue regarding about money, and how to spend the money. The 2 years journey was not a smooth ride all the time, but we overcome a lot, and I was really happy when I was with him last half year. Oh well, I start to cry when I think about good things of him. I will try to be strong as you suggested. Thank you!
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Here's how it goes. What is his motivation to meet your needs, if you are already meeting all his needs and more? Try to put the shoe on the other foot and imagine a relationship where while you like the guy, you would like to see others. So he agrees to continue seeing you and you still get to date the hard-body you met at the bookstore. Would you bother to work on a relationship with only the one person? No risk, no return. You have to be willing to risk what you have with him now, in order for him to appreciate you, or even better, for you to move on. Stop enabling him by continuing to meet his needs at your own personal expense. Walk.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Hi Woggle, glad that I get a male opinion on this. I know his friend's divorce scared him, I understand about the marriage thing, and I told him that I am willing to wait, but even his friend and his wife are seeing counseling, and he won't give us a second chance, just started dating other woman, how could a man do that? It is like adding salt to a wounded heart. Yet, I still having trouble to let him go, I hate myself for being so stupid.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Hi Trialbyfire, thank you for your post. I really wanted to save our relationship, I want to try everything before I know that I really tried my best, so I won't regret in the future that I let him go. I am scared of thinking that because I cut him out of my life, that pushed him to the other woman, and he would never come back to me. He gave me all kinds of mixed signals. He even mentioned a friend of his, who broke up with his girlfriend half year ago, and now they are back together again, I don't know what he is trying to tell me, I am too confused to think.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 hope, I'm going to say this because it's been my experience. People are selfish. They're not thinking about the relationship or you. They are focused on themselves. Time for you to learn some of that selfishness and do something about it.
Donza Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 hope, I'm going to say this because it's been my experience. People are selfish. They're not thinking about the relationship or you. They are focused on themselves. Time for you to learn some of that selfishness and do something about it. x2 My ex is very selfish.
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 It's very easy to cling to what you believe you have/had but in essence, you have nothing beyond meeting his needs and pain inside you. Why in the world would you want to continue? A tiny hope that he will change? Why do you believe he will change if he gets what he wants and more? Do you believe he will learn to value you more when he has no reason to do so? If anything, you will lose his respect more, because you are being a doormat. Someone of convenience. An option, not a priority. Brutal? You bet. Reality is brutal. Once again, personal experience. Take your dignity back, hope. At least you will have that and the possibility of a brighter future with someone who can appreciate what you have to offer, in a loving, consistent relationship.
Spinderella Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Hello again. If your intention is to win him back and you really dont want to give up on being with him, then you are going about it all the wrong way. It is not attractive to be a doormat. You are more attractive when you walk away, not when you stick around. Walking away will not push him into the arms of the other woman. Hanging around for fear of him forgetting about you and being only with her, shows that you are insecure, and actually makes the other woman look more attractive. Act like you know your worth, walk away. THAT makes you attractive. And it has the added bonus of allowing you to start healing from this at the same time, just in case it doesnt work out the way you want it to. You feel pathetic now, how will you feel in another few months? Years? (Yes Ive known people stuck in these situations for years, and its not pleasant). If you dont feel strong, then at least act strong, and that will make you feel stronger too. What you are doing is more likely to push him away, or worse keep you hanging conveniently around while he loses more and more feeling and respect for you. It will certainly push his desire for you away.
Illicit Angel Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Vivi, thank you for your post, and sorry that we are on the similar boat. He is a selfish person, I know that, but I thought nobody is perfect. Love suppose to bring out the good of a person, but I love him so much, now it drives me crazy, even having the thought of going to his house on weekend make me scared, I am a good person with big heart (this is what he said), I hope I won't do something stupid. But how do you cope with this? are you willing to let him go? I want to, but I don't know how, cause I still deeply in love of him. I hope there is a switch somewhere that you can just turn it off the feeling for him, and walk away. Hope i suggest you think about loving yourself! You don't want to be just an option to this person. It's not fair that you would love him this much and offer it to him, when he offers so little in return! He can't love you if you don't love or even have respect for yourself. It's not about wether he will want you back or not anymore. He made his choice. Now you need to make yours 1 you can sit and wait and lose the little bit of respect he has for you now 2 learn to put yourself 1st. You deserve better and knowing that will give you strength to show him you expect better. He will respect you more for this Im not trying to say this easy because i understand it's not at all. There is no switch (sorry) but time and practice will help. Even when you feel like screaming at him don't do it. Wait untill your away from him .... if he sees how cut up you are it shows him you are still an option. That's the bit that needs change (imho)
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Thank you everyone, I know you are right, I need to walk away, not make myself one of his options, and be strong, or act strong, I am not a selfish person, and this time I need to focus on myself. I tried that, I tired to break up with him several times, telling him that it is over, but... Am I insecure? Maybe now, even thought all my friends consider me as a independent, successful woman. I just really don't want to lose this man, cause I still love him deeply. Nobody is perfect, when you fall in love with someone, you accept him as who he is. I have had several relationships before, but, only two men made me feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with. The first guy, we gave up due to things that out of our control, even though we loved each other deeply, and that is 14 years ago, and he is the second one that make me feel I want to be with him forever, this kind of feelings is hard to come, and I am not that young anymore, maybe that is why it is so hard to let go, I don't want to regret that I didn't do everything I can to make it work. Anyway, I thank you all for your postings, your message and your encouragement, it helps me a lot. I will try NC with him again. I know it is going to be tough, hard to ignore his calls, and there are also times that I want to call him, but I will try.
Illicit Angel Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 Good luck .... keep popping back ... if it helps
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 I am not that young anymore Don't let your biological age hold you back from knowing when a relationship is destructive for you. If you feel that you need to improve on yourself because you're down, this is the perfect time. Work out, eat healthy, spoil yourself. Go to the spa and get that pedicure you've been meaning to get done. Go out and get yourself a sexy haircut. Something different. Let your stylist go reasonably wild. Get a new wardrobe or update the existing one. Sweetheart, this is the time to focus on yourself and your wants and desires. Stop focusing on someone who can't appreciate what they have when they have it. You have a lot to offer someone with your depth of emotion and caring. Believe it.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 Hi Trialbyfire, I am an active person, I eat healthy too. And I took a week long vacation with my girlfriends to get away of this, but now, after I am back, I am down again. I don't rush into relationships because of my biological age, I just feel what we had is so special, that I might never meet someone who can give me this feeling again. :(
Trialbyfire Posted September 23, 2007 Posted September 23, 2007 It's true you will never find someone who makes you feel exactly the same way. What you will find is someone who makes you feel even better because it's a healthy relationship.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 23, 2007 Author Posted September 23, 2007 thank you, I should keep that hope in my mind.
VIP Posted September 24, 2007 Posted September 24, 2007 May be you'll never meet anyone that you could love the same way again. Some people don't fall in and out of love easily.
Author hopeforlove243 Posted September 24, 2007 Author Posted September 24, 2007 Hi VIP, I know I am one of those people who doesn't fall in and out of love easily. The thought that I might never meet anyone that I could love the same way again just scares me to death. I just came back from a party, I was fine at the party, but after I got into my car, I just started crying again. And then, I read your post, it just crashed me :(:(
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