3 1/2 year / She ended / Needed space / Immediate rebound

[beau_cauchemar]

Let me start off by saying that I appreciate any advice as this past several months have been the most difficult of my life. I will break the details down as easily as possible to make it an easy read.

 

My girlfriend of 3 1/2 year recently (June) asked for a breakup. This was due to the fact that I had been letting a few personal financial issues get the better of my attitude and allowed myself to essentialy not care about our relationship. Dispite being an on-and-off issue (personal finances) we shared a strong, common love that lasted close to the end of our relationship.

 

The problem:

 

(This is info I received from her telling me directly) Not even 2 months after the breakup she had a rebound no-strings-attatched fling with a guy ALSO recently out of a 3-year relationship whom she met through a friend. She and the guy agreed that they did not want a relationship and to keep things casual. She is 20 and has only been with me sexually while the guy is 28 and, according to her, not the kind of guy she would have been attracted to under different circumstances.

 

Time passes as I have moved out and not made contact for nearly 3 weeks. I then find out from a friend that she and this guy are now planning trips together, meeting family, and spending a good deal of time together (all this in addition to the sex they've already been having.) Clearly they both now seem to be pursuing a lot more than a casual fling despite everything that was said just a couple weeks ago.

 

 

 

My question is basically this: Is all hope lost now that she is with this new guy? How could she fall out of love so fast especially when she claimed to not want the drama of a relationship right now?

 

I miss her more than anything and was feeling this way almost immediately after our seperation. For a girl who shared a love for over 3 years to just lie about not wanting a relationship and jumping into the arms of a 28-year-old is just not making any sense. I'm not trying to change her mind, I just want to feel like our relationship does have a chance later on rather than to assume that all the we shared is quickly being forgotten forover.

 

-Dispair

[Yamaha]

She's not ready and she wants to play the field. Period.....

[beau_cauchemar]

I can understand the fact that she wants to try new things, but how well do girls really play the field before realizing that a meaningful relationship in need of minor repair is not something to just throw away?

 

It seems like these days girls are becoming more attracted to exploring the way guys do but how long do those feelings typically last for those girls (like my ex) whos field-playing actions are a 180?

 

Any girls care to share some gender-specific personal insight?

 

-Dispair

[Mermaiden]

when i was DONE with my long term bf of 6 years the first thing I did was run wild.

Had awesome NSA sex with a guy I would never date.

He was also 28, hot and handsome but not for me.

i had sex because i wanted to forget my ex

my ex was the only guy I had slept with before NSA dude.

Sorry but when we women move on sleep with others we are pretty much finished with the previous relationship.

i got my ex out of my system and now am looking for a new serious relationship

[beau_cauchemar]

Sorry but when we women move on sleep with others we are pretty much finished with the previous relationship.

i got my ex out of my system and now am looking for a new serious relationship

 

Is this true? It makes me curious how things ended between you too because my ex has indicated that she still has some feelings for me. She has admitted that she has been emotionally shut-off and this could very well be her way of burying her emotions with this new guy. Not to mention that this fling seems to be unexpectedly moving quite fast into the realm of a double-rebound relationship (both she and guy are recent LTR breakups.) This seems to spell disaster. I am wrong?

 

Should I abandon all hope? Should I simply never contact her again and risk falling out of her memory completely?

 

-Dispair

[loveinlife]

Is this true? It makes me curious how things ended between you too because my ex has indicated that she still has some feelings for me. She has admitted that she has been emotionally shut-off and this could very well be her way of burying her emotions with this new guy. Not to mention that this fling seems to be unexpectedly moving quite fast into the realm of a double-rebound relationship (both she and guy are recent LTR breakups.) This seems to spell disaster. I am wrong?

 

Should I abandon all hope? Should I simply never contact her again and risk falling out of her memory completely?

 

-Dispair

 

I think its always wise to take care of yourself first. waiting is a problem because how long can you wait? I've nearly waited almost 2 years. I think i have wasted my life grieving over this issue. the fact that i wasn't taking care of myself really brought me down instead of being productive. I allowed the healing to take too long bc i waited for her to come back, which she did, but it ended 2 months ago, followed by a second heart break that trigured more anxiety, self doubt in relationships, stress, and sleepless nights. Just my 2 cents. My experience, yours maybe different. gluck buddy. =)

[beau_cauchemar]

loveinlife, I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It's absolute hell.

 

I've been keeping the Fight Club quote ("losing all hope was freedom") in mind but it seems as though my very sanity depends now on the one thread of hope I can allow myself to hold. Agreeing with the fact that waiting is tortue, I have kept myself as busy with work and social fun as much as possible. It has helped a great deal and I still feel as though I have plenty of self-worth.

 

However, I wonder if I am crazy to think that with all that my ex and I have shared, a breakup that left room for reconsiliation, and a still-there attraction for eachother whether or not her new relationship will burn the bridges completely. I am not waiting around but I'm also not ready to say goodbye emotionally. I know her actions speak louder than words, but I KNOW there's a part of her that still loves me. Am I crazy?

 

-Dispair

 

P.S.

Thanks to all of you so far for the guidance.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My question is basically this:

 

1. Is all hope lost now that she is with this new guy?

 

2. How could she fall out of love so fast especially when she claimed to not want the drama of a relationship right now?

 

1. Yes. She may come back to you one day, but she is focused on a new relationship now - imagine how in love you were with her in the beginning, and how nothing would take your mind off of her: that is how she feels for someone else now.

 

2. It is never fast. The 'falling out of love' process can take six months or longer. You just don't see it until the very end when it is too late to fix anything. Its tricky thing, falling out of love. Imagine it this way:

 

Her heart is a big full jug of water, and water is her love for you. One day, a tiny leak appears in the jug. It leaks out very slowly, so slowly you can't see it happening. Even she isn't sure if its happening or not. Over time though, she begins to be aware of it and feels guilty for it happening, while at the same time unable to stop it. She ignores it and focuses on the relationship, but it still keeps leaking out. Her guilt over it happening keeps her from telling you about it. Eventually the water level drops below half, and rapidly down to a quarter and you start hearing "I need space" or "we need a break". By this time, its too late. There is enough water left on the bottom of the jug where she feels sad about leaving, and torn about it - but enough gone that she doesn't want to stay, so she "breaks up". Some residue will remain, and you'll see this in the form of her calling to "see how you are doing" and stuff like that.

 

Here's the tricky part. All that water leaking out of the jug she had set aside for you leaked slowly into another jug meant for someone else. When that level hit high enough, she simply switched out the mostly empty jug for the mostly full one. At the time she switched, there wasn't enough water in his jug for her to feel comfortable with a full time relationship, but in the end it continued to fill up and there you go... a regular old relationship.

 

So.. it is never a fast process to fall out of love, but it is sure a fast one falling in love. Falling out of love is painful and confusing, but you never get to see that part. You only get to see the part where they put guilt and confusion aside and simply get the relationship over with. That is why breakups seem so sudden and cruel - when in fact they are a slow dying process that is as painful for them as it is for you. Guilt keeps them from showing you that, though.

 

Will she be back? Only if things don't work out like she hoped with this guy, and she feels nostalgic enough to come back. Infatuation is a funny thing - it can make you feel things about a person based on entirely on wishful thinking and blind hope. When reality sets in, she may realize that she doesn't want him after all - and will miss what she had with you. Or... reality sets in and she decides she is happy with this guy and stays with him.

 

Whether or not she gets back with you depends entirely on some other guy. If that doesn't work for you, you will want to consider moving on without leaving the door open for her.

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

when i was DONE with my long term bf of 6 years the first thing I did was run wild.

Had awesome NSA sex with a guy I would never date.

He was also 28, hot and handsome but not for me.

i had sex because i wanted to forget my ex

my ex was the only guy I had slept with before NSA dude.

Sorry but when we women move on sleep with others we are pretty much finished with the previous relationship.

i got my ex out of my system and now am looking for a new serious relationship

 

Hate to hijack this thread, but I could not figure out how to send a PM. Anyways, My wife is split from me, but I do know she is not looking for or dating other men. She says she truly wants to be alone for now, but maybe in the furture, me and her could start dating again? Does this mean I might have a good chance still?

[jmargel]

IMO women in general seem to hop from guy to guy when it is over but while in a relationship they will stay in it long after they have emotionally detached themselves from the current SO. So when they leave the relationship it's just physically leaving.. Emotionally they left a long time ago.

 

We don't know if there is a chance of you two getting back together, good chance she will contact you once this puppy-dog love, or infactuation wears off with this new man. However do you really want to be with someone who could do this to you. Even getting back with her you will have that taintness that this situation has caused.

 

My situation back then was my ex-fiancee ended it with me and was seeing my now ex-friend. She married him, and even while married came over one day to 'apologize' for what she did to me. Something in me felt that she was thinking she had an option to still come back to me, but I flat out told her that it wouldn't happen. Needless to say a few months later she divorced this guy.

 

IMO you should look up the 5 stages of grief this will help you in knowing what to expect. Just keep taking care of yourself.

[Newtotheblogthing]

From another female perspective: I broke up with my ex under extenuating circumstances. A few weeks later I started dating someone else but didn't tell him. I kept him around, I didn't want to give him up but was unsure about reconciliation. It was never going to get serious but I pretended it might. I was trying to get over my ex with this new guy and it didn't work out. I immediately initiated contact again with my ex except now he had turned the tables on me and started dating his neighbor. He is in a two month relationship now and I have probably lost him for good.

Although he has slept with me twice since being in this relationship. ( I feel like I am posting all over the place but he is not typically a cheater!)

 

Dating a new guy for me seemed to give me hope. I was trying to get over my ex with this new guy. I still loved my ex but was trying not to. It didn't work. I also disagree with one post. Not all women who sleep with someone new are done with their ex. I wasn't. I was trying to be!

 

For you: Yes, she can still love you and think the relationship isn't working. My ex and i STILL love each other but he is moving on because the relationship wasn't working. I want to try but he doesn't. It seems like it would be easier to give up hope if he didn't love me and think about me. It kills me too and I think about it all the time.

 

All I can do is reinstate NC. I am trying to say it's for myself but truthfully it's because I want him to miss me. In the process maybe I will also begin to heal...

[beau_cauchemar]

Thanks for all the possitive responses (even the good but depressing jug analogy from Lucrezia.) I have realized a few things.

 

1. The stress/worry she had during our relationship took its toll on her willingness for a relationship with me, not necessarily how much she loved me.

 

2. There is nothing I can do now but let her go (contact and otherwise) and allow her to see what its like to be without me for the first time in years. Maybe then she'll start to feel like she won't have me waiting around forever.

 

 

After picking some mail up from her sympathetic (toward the breakup) mother, she felt strongly that it was not as serious as I was led to believe (being that she still lives with her mom.) Perhaps this means that the puppy-love has taken hold and when the honeymoon period ends she will no doubt realize her true emotions. Only time will tell but until then I aim to enjoy life as best as I can.

 

Thanks again everyone.

 

-Me

[LosingMyDreamGirl]

From another female perspective: I broke up with my ex under extenuating circumstances. A few weeks later I started dating someone else but didn't tell him. I kept him around, I didn't want to give him up but was unsure about reconciliation. It was never going to get serious but I pretended it might. I was trying to get over my ex with this new guy and it didn't work out. I immediately initiated contact again with my ex except now he had turned the tables on me and started dating his neighbor. He is in a two month relationship now and I have probably lost him for good.

Although he has slept with me twice since being in this relationship. ( I feel like I am posting all over the place but he is not typically a cheater!)

 

Dating a new guy for me seemed to give me hope. I was trying to get over my ex with this new guy. I still loved my ex but was trying not to. It didn't work. I also disagree with one post. Not all women who sleep with someone new are done with their ex. I wasn't. I was trying to be!

 

For you: Yes, she can still love you and think the relationship isn't working. My ex and i STILL love each other but he is moving on because the relationship wasn't working. I want to try but he doesn't. It seems like it would be easier to give up hope if he didn't love me and think about me. It kills me too and I think about it all the time.

 

All I can do is reinstate NC. I am trying to say it's for myself but truthfully it's because I want him to miss me. In the process maybe I will also begin to heal...

 

You give me hope. I have not given any real reason for my wife to leave. I have given her reasons to 'think' she may want to, but I dont think I have given a real one.

 

Anyways, Its a blessing to find information like this.

[Mermaiden]

Is this true? It makes me curious how things ended between you too because my ex has indicated that she still has some feelings for me. She has admitted that she has been emotionally shut-off and this could very well be her way of burying her emotions with this new guy. Not to mention that this fling seems to be unexpectedly moving quite fast into the realm of a double-rebound relationship (both she and guy are recent LTR breakups.) This seems to spell disaster. I am wrong?

 

Should I abandon all hope? Should I simply never contact her again and risk falling out of her memory completely?

 

-Dispair

 

 

were you ever mean to her ? does she have good reasons to be ticked off at you ?

if you were nothing but a decent guy she may be confused.

but if you did things that somehow cut her deeply it is probably too late.

also it sound slike right now there is no way to get her interest.

you need to just work on YOU right now, have fun, improve yourself and then check back with her.

Im advising a good male friend on an almost identical situation.

He is sickly can't eat, can't sleep in love with a girl who is very mercurial.

His gameplan is to keep himself busy with parties/sports/movies/etc until January 1st/Holidays are over.

Exes wonder about us most and we them over Holidays.

Good to leave them in suspense during this period.

[Mermaiden]

Although he has slept with me twice since being in this relationship. ( I feel like I am posting all over the place but he is not typically a cheater!)

 

 

Being sort of of a cheater is like being kind of pregnant.

[beau_cauchemar]

were you ever mean to her ? does she have good reasons to be ticked off at you ?

if you were nothing but a decent guy she may be confused.

but if you did things that somehow cut her deeply it is probably too late.

also it sound slike right now there is no way to get her interest.

you need to just work on YOU right now, have fun, improve yourself and then check back with her.

Im advising a good male friend on an almost identical situation.

He is sickly can't eat, can't sleep in love with a girl who is very mercurial.

His gameplan is to keep himself busy with parties/sports/movies/etc until January 1st/Holidays are over.

Exes wonder about us most and we them over Holidays.

Good to leave them in suspense during this period.

 

 

My attention to our relationship might have fallen off a little during the last couple of weeks before the breakup but I never did anything to hurt her throughout the entire course of us knowing eachother. Always there for her emotionally, never dealt with any trust issues, and we were best friends to boot.

 

My plan is also to concentrate on me. Fortunetely having just moved out of her place into a new apartment it has given me plenty to concentrate on project-wise. In case you missed my update, her mother (whom she lives with) feels as though, despite what I had heard, that her new thing is nothing serious. I havn't called since I moved out 3 weeks ago and except for her call to me 1 1/2 weeks ago, havn't spoken.

 

We'll just see how it goes I guess. Thanks again for your time.

 

-Me

[Newtotheblogthing]

I hear you Mermaiden. He is cheating on his new "girlfriend" with me. It's strange to admit becaus he is normally a faithful, monogomous guy. REALLY. I know it seems hard to believe but when he is committed, he is committed. I know he did not cheat on me and I did not cheat on him. I don't have any doubt about that.

 

Somehow I seem empowerd by the fact he is cheating with ME as if that's supposed to mean something.. .pretty awful. I don't recognize myself as I have never cheated on anyone nor been involved in an "affair" until I guess now.