OMG, What Have I Done.

[buzz7899]

I am going to try to keep this short and easy to read as I am so desperate for some help.

I was in a relationship with my soulmate. I the time I didn't know it. I was her king and she was madly in love with me. Being the (now realized) ass I was I broke up with her on a couple different occassions (now realizing) breaking her heart...leaving just because I thought I could do better...yes *******, I know. In January for the third time I said goodbye...fully thinking that she was a great gal, but just not for me.

 

This time it was different, there were no pleas for us to get back, no texts, no emails...finally, I thought, I am free.

 

Feb turned to March, then April and on my birthday I broke down, fell to my knees. I really never was a crier, but man, I made up for it. 3 months of being alone thinking.My thoughts went from why we shouldnt be together to what a perfect match we were. All I needed to do was sit down and talk about things instead of leaving. Hindsight is 20/20.

 

In May, I sent her 2 dozen roses to her work. I was so giddy inside, had such a good day. SHe emailed me that night thanking me, I really thought I was gonna win her back. After all she had always been so in love with me. I told her I just wanted 5 minutes, she agreed but said it wasnt going to change anything. Still the optimist, I knew it would.

 

She came over, we had a blast, few drinks, playing around online, and she stayed the night. The next day I insisted coming over to mow her lawn, just hang out. As I mowed, she came out of the house crying, saying she felt guilty as she was standing firm on her decision. There was just too much history of hurt and she could never trust me not to hurt her again. So I left.

 

This was May.

 

I decided I had to try to move on. I did everything to try to do just that. I spent time on myself, dropped 15 lbs, concentrated on my job, took up photography and started to date again. I threw her stuff out, I DNC, I did everything possible to get on.

 

Now its September, I've run into her a few times, shes so changed now, so cold, so distant. I know what I did wrong, I've learned from my mistakes and am chomping at the bit to get on and show someone what a good guy is. Such a shame I cant give it to the gal who earned it and deserves it.

 

So...why I wrote...

 

I cannot get over it. I cry at the drop of a hat. When I see her I shake. The thoughts of her with someone else takes my breath away. When I date and kiss someone its all wrong. I think over and over "what have I done?' Some days I drive the back way to work so I wont see her, others I drive back and forth hoping we meet. We had set my best friend up with hers and they have moved in together and I cant go there so it's me against the world. No one I date measures up and its so unfair to continue to date until I can be true for someone...what have I done?

 

My question isnt what can I do to win her back. Whats done is done. I am a jerk and shes done with it. I NEED to know how to get on. Its a continuous hurt and I feel numb 24/7. The thoughts are constant...I cant shake them...I would rather be dead, but have a son so thats not an option. This is my final option instead, to share with someone and get some advice.

 

Thank you if you got this far.

[wmrjw82]

Well I feel for you I really do. See i'm on the other side of the fence. (As i'm sure most of the others on here are as well...we are the ones that got left. In some cases, like mine, over and over by the same person)

 

Its encouraging for me to hear something like this because you see the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I hope i'm strong enough one day to do what your ex did to you because you had your chances just like my ex has had two good chances. But the healing process is the same. Now you have to go through what you put your ex through many many times. Time heals all wounds. Advice that i've received is definitely always stay ACTIVE. You say you have a son? Concentrating on him would be a good start.

 

You don't believe it now but you will GET over this. Then you'll meet that next " special one" and you can apply these lessons you've learned to her.

 

Best of luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

All I can say is, write down your thoughts, cry when you need to cry, and each day, make sure you get enough distraction, be with friends and family who truely care about you, and share some laughs.

 

Seek some counselling to help you cope if you feel you are having trouble moving on and accepting this.

 

You need to heal yourself before kissing other girls. Last thing you want to do is hurt someone because you're not ready to get serious.

[buzz7899]

Thanks, I really have thought about counciling but I have so much of that damned pride...I hate to let anyone see me down, including her. Yes I am on the other side of the fence, but you know what? It doesn't feel that way as I tried and tried to win her back.

 

I kept the post as abreviated as I could so no one would give up reading it. But I tried every angle. The 'being as happy as I could' around her...and The 'being devastated' didnt shake...shes a dang strong woman, I'll give her that.

 

I have kept in mind the time healing all, but my god...sometimes I feel I am doing well, then I dream about her. Seems like an endless cycle.

 

I am focusing on the possitive now...first, I am now the guy all you gals want...something I wouldve called 'faggy' in the past...gonna share my feelings and I see a potential problem, sit down and talk about it. secondly...I am pretty proud that I made it to 37 without a major heartbreak...

 

Thanks all for listening, I will be listening to you as well.

[kirikat]

ah, but you ARE on our side of the fence. She called and pleaded with you to take her back... just like you are doing now.

 

You didnt want her until you KNEW she was done with you. You see, you always veiwed her as an option, while you looked around. She was never your priority until you discovered that she wasnt an option anymore.

 

I've been on her side of the fence before too... where I loved someone with my whole heart, did everything I knew to win them back... and then, when I am finally done, when I have recovered and healed and moved on... THEN they want me. Im not sure if you know this, but that really hurts too. I dont know why men do this....

 

Where I am right now, you know... I think it will be the same. When I am finally done, when I have recovered and moved on.... the call I am so desperate for will come. And I wont want it anymore.

 

Please, get counselling... if for no other reason than you not do this again to another woman who loves you.

[lovelorcet]

Learn your lesson, leave this poor woman alone and find a way to move on. You still think there is something you can do to win her back. Truth is there is nothing you can do.

 

The sooner you realize this the sooner you can move on.

[buzz7899]

You nailed it kiri...thanks....the post after you kinda missed the point.

 

"Learn your lesson, leave this poor woman alone and find a way to move on. You still think there is something you can do to win her back. Truth is there is nothing you can do."

 

I was asking how to move on, not what to do....

[wmrjw82]

I dont know why men do this.....

 

 

Sorry to burst your bubble kiri but it happens on both sides. My ex girlfriend is currently doing it to me. It sucks either way. I've never been able to do that to someone in my life. Almost wish I could sometimes.

[justfine]

You nailed it kiri...thanks....the post after you kinda missed the point.

 

"Learn your lesson, leave this poor woman alone and find a way to move on. You still think there is something you can do to win her back. Truth is there is nothing you can do."

 

I was asking how to move on, not what to do....

 

 

 

The way to move on is to totally accept that she's gone forever. You should consider improving yourself in all aspects of life. Join a gym and get in the best shape possible. Work on your finances, earn and save as much as possible. Become a man that women are attracted to. You shouldn't be afraid of being single for a while. I think most people who become single start to panick and are scared that they'll be single for the rest of their lives. Don't think this way.

 

In due time, you will meet someone special. Just be patient.

[AriaIncognito]

37? Wow you dont look 37 in the avatar I thought you were like 20 lol.

 

Anyway....

 

Man, I feel you. I'm your ex. I don't mean literally. But I am that woman. Except he's not come back wanting me as of yet. It so very much hurts to be your ex. He looked at me and thought the grass would be greener. I see a lot of him in your post. It's scary actually. He always thought and said I was a great person, but just wasn't the one for him.

 

I don't know if my day will come when the phone will ring or my inbox will have his name. In a way, I wish it would, just so I could know that I wasn't hurting alone. However, like your ex, I dont know what I'd do about it because well, when you've been burned by someone (we broke up a total of 4 times I think over 18 months) so badly, it would take a lot to take a chance on them again.

 

Last night I had a dream about him, only he wasn't in his body, he was in the body of a much taller, more attractive man HAHA. Not sure why. But maybe my brain is finally trying to replace him with someone else. Gosh I hope so.

 

My advice to you is to move on. Like the poster before me said, don't be afraid to be single for a while. I'm on month 3 of NC and have been single the entire time. Truth is, if you can't make yourself happy, you can't expect someone else to do it for you. That's not the way it's supposed to work. A love is supposed to add to your life, not be the be all end all to your happiness.

 

Keep posting, we'll keep listening.

[Curious139]

 

You didnt want her until you KNEW she was done with you. You see, you always veiwed her as an option, while you looked around. She was never your priority until you discovered that she wasnt an option anymore.

 

I've been on her side of the fence before too... where I loved someone with my whole heart, did everything I knew to win them back... and then, when I am finally done, when I have recovered and healed and moved on... THEN they want me. Im not sure if you know this, but that really hurts too. I dont know why men do this....

 

Please, get counselling... if for no other reason than you not do this again to another woman who loves you.

 

There are some really good posts in this thread but the above quote rings a bell with me. I really feel for you Buzz and completely relate with the pain. I lost my love in similar circumstances because as Kiri says, she was an option. And when she got sick of waiting for me and found someone else - I was devastated. I still am.

 

Lord knows why we do these things. Pride, arrogance, hubris. Taking love for granted. I'm 52 years old and never expected to find myself broken hearted at this stage of life.

 

My only advice is to keep going. Don't pretend you didn't love her, that she doesn't matter, or that she had faults - those coping strategies are false in your situation. Accept that you loved each other and it was good.

 

Keep her in a secret place in your heart. You will meet other women and it is important to see them as themselves. Eventually you'll heal but as with me, it takes a long time.

[kirikat]

Sorry to burst your bubble kiri but it happens on both sides. My ex girlfriend is currently doing it to me. It sucks either way. I've never been able to do that to someone in my life. Almost wish I could sometimes.

 

Sure.. sometimes it happens that way.... but, usually - its the guy who thinks that the minute they commit 2 playboy bunnies are going to come along and want to take a hot tub with him, and he will no longer be able to!

 

Women tend to make different mistakes in this regard. Thought the moving on certainly seems to be the key in both cases.

 

The thing is, and Im curious about this.... how is it that the other knows you have actually moved on?|

[ftheunion]

Sorry, but this will wreck your body from the stress. Tell her she is right to not trust you, but you will probably have a heart attack eventually cause you realize clearly your fault and what you ruined. Tell her you are gettin the hell you deserve and will holdfast to that feeling. Then you gotta take it and shove it down. It will probably kill you. Sorry, but it was your fault. Now just listen to brutal/technical death metal as much as needed and go to a gun range or paintballing, or go hunting and f***ing murder stuff and unleash fury. Mediate with exotic inscense while listening to death metal.

 

Misery Index

Visceral Bleeding

Dying Fetus

The Red Chord

Spawn of Possession

"M^6" Car Bomb

"Body Crumbles" Drycell

Aborted

Krisiun

"Dying Divinity" Incantation

[kirikat]

Sorry, but this will wreck your body from the stress. Tell her she is right to not trust you, but you will probably have a heart attack eventually cause you realize clearly your fault and what you ruined. Tell her you are gettin the hell you deserve and will holdfast to that feeling. Then you gotta take it and shove it down. It will probably kill you. Sorry, but it was your fault. Now just listen to brutal/technical death metal as much as needed and go to a gun range or paintballing, or go hunting and f***ing murder stuff and unleash fury. Mediate with exotic inscense while listening to death metal.

 

 

My God man, he's 40, not 15.

[carrotgirl]

Buzz, something very similar happened to me and a boyfriend I had many years ago. We were together a few years and he decided I just wasn't the girl for him.

 

About six months after this decision he decided he'd made a mistake and wanted to try again. I was still completely in love with him and was willing to try. After another six months he still couldn't commit to saying he wanted to commit. That time I broke it off.

 

The difference for me is that we remained close friends afterward. Only a year ago he asked me for advice regarding proposing to his new girlfriend. I told him he should go for it!

 

He told me that after all these years, the hardest thing he ever did was realize we'd never be together again. That he'd still been in love with me all these years. He loved his girlfriend, who is now his wife, but it wasn't the same and never would be.

 

He wasn't feeding me a line or looking for a last fling. I couldn't be happier for his marriage and joy today. He agonized over his decision because he knew he wouldn't be able to love his wife the way he loved me. He was speaking candidly as friends do and I was somewhat sad for what might have been if only...

 

So based on that I would say you may never quite get over this woman, but there could be another, different love for you. She won't be the same. You probably won't feel quite the same either. And the love will still be strong and good anyway.

 

Carrot

[Just Shoot Me]

ah, but you ARE on our side of the fence. She called and pleaded with you to take her back... just like you are doing now.

 

You didnt want her until you KNEW she was done with you. You see, you always veiwed her as an option, while you looked around. She was never your priority until you discovered that she wasnt an option anymore.

 

I've been on her side of the fence before too... where I loved someone with my whole heart, did everything I knew to win them back... and then, when I am finally done, when I have recovered and healed and moved on... THEN they want me. Im not sure if you know this, but that really hurts too. I dont know why men do this....

 

Where I am right now, you know... I think it will be the same. When I am finally done, when I have recovered and moved on.... the call I am so desperate for will come. And I wont want it anymore.

 

Please, get counselling... if for no other reason than you not do this again to another woman who loves you.

 

Kirikat is soooo right. I am pretty much in your position as far as relationships go. (posted on this site as well)

 

I find myself doing exactly what you are doing. It is stressful and i'm sure unhealthy as well. I, too have times when I just break down, even though I am involved in an activity.

 

This is very difficult for you to accept, but for some reason we tend to take relationships for granted as long as the woman is available.

 

When we see that things are changing in her heart (away from us) we suddenly have an intense desire to be with her and no one else will do!

 

I once drove someone to the point of ditching me because I didn't have the guts to dump her. When she did leave me I suddenly thought that I was in love w/her. I did everything I could to win her back and succeeded, only to break it off w/her a short time later! (not proud of this)

[Bosiell]

Sorry to hear about your situation. You have had some very good advice here, hope it all helps.

 

I too have been in a similar sitation some years ago. A girl who truly loved me, would

do anything for me, it was nothing I had ever experienced, for someone to show much care was unforgettable and so hard to walk away from. However at the time I could not find the love I wanted to give back to her, the love she deserved. I tore her apart with being unsure of how I felt, relationship off then on. I finally decided for her own benefit as much as my own, never to go back to her. I missed her like mad as usual I so wanted to go back. But there are times when you have to think of someone else, not yourself. I never tried again, I could not risk breaking her heart again.

[Travis L]

......I finally decided for her own benefit as much as my own' date=' never to go back to her. I missed her like mad as usual I so wanted to go back. But there are times when you have to think of someone else, not yourself. I never tried again, I could not risk breaking her heart again.[/quote']

 

The way to move on is to totally accept that she's gone forever.

 

My only advice is to keep going. Don't pretend you didn't love her, that she doesn't matter, or that she had faults - those coping strategies are false in your situation. Accept that you loved each other and it was good.

 

Keep her in a secret place in your heart. You will meet other women and it is important to see them as themselves. Eventually you'll heal but as with me, it takes a long time.

 

So based on that I would say you may never quite get over this woman, but there could be another, different love for you. She won't be the same. You probably won't feel quite the same either. And the love will still be strong and good anyway.

 

 

I have been on LS since June and I'm not quite sure what it is (maybe my mood) but this thread has moved me more than any other.. Great posts by almost everyone!

 

Thanks to all! This thread really helped me today!

[Spinderella]

look on it as a lesson that you can learn from for your next relationship. even if the next relationship feels a million miles away, it will happen. thats all you can do, and its a good thing to do.

[XxBacktoBlackXx]

I think often times we just want what we can't have. For whatever reason, we build up the unattainable and then sometimes when we attain it...it's not so great to us anymore. I hate it when guys pull that stuff on me. I know girls do it, too. I agree with Spinderella. Take this as a lesson learned and apply it to your next relationship. Don't take your next girlfriend for granted or else you might end up in the same situation all over again. Best of luck to you.