Confronted my ex, poured out my heart...

[heartoutside]

Well last time I posted on here last week I was asking if I should have a talk with my ex about her constant contact with me in the past 3 weeks. I went into NC from the start of our break up. I think she and I talked 3 times after we broke up (but during the first week when everything was still fresh) and we had times where we were both crying and there was a time where I came home and she was home and I lost it.

 

Anyway, since those talks in the first week, we haven't talked about "Us" since and i've been rather aloof, just replying to her texts, doing my own thing, going on trips etc etc. But recently in the past 3 weeks my ex has been contacting via text message even more and with very random thoughts and questions, and doing other things that just made me wonder if she was reaching out. I was playing by the thought that if she was going to come back she would just come back on her own, and I shouldn't have to do much of anything. I think I may have been wrong.

 

So on tuesday I got a message from her on myspace, saying hi, what are you up too? Odd, because I haven't gotten a mesage form her on myspace since the first week of our break up. So I battle with the idea of sending her text the next night in reply. I do....

 

She replies to my hey, with a "hey you, what's up?"

we text back and forth and then she asks again what's up...I can't bail out on the conversation so I suck it up and take it like a man and tell her that I think we should talk, but it's late and I have to catch a flight to NYC early tomorrow....

She replies, "about what?"

and i say we can talk about it when I get back...

She says "thats no fair! You can sleep on the plane."

 

So again, I just suck it up and I call her. I can't remember what exactly what was said, because we were both crying (she started crying very early in the conversation).

 

But I started out the conversation asking how she was and she asked the same of me, and I said, well I'm ok, but I really need to talk to you about what has been happening these past few weeks. I tell her about the texts, and how I can't just stand here and watch things unfold like this. That I'm not sure what's going on with this other guy, but I can't just be a friend that you use for support. I want to support you and I want to help you, but I can't do it if you've already moved on. I'm then really blunt with it and I ask her if she's moved on, and she says I guess, kind of, I dont' know. She then asks, "so you won't talk to me anymore?" or something along those lines, and her voice is the sadest I've ever heard her voice in the 4 years that we've dated and it causes me to loose it.

 

I just open the flood gates and pour my heart out, I'm not crying like a baby or anything, just crying. I tell her how I haven't stopped loving her, I tell her what we had is very special and is hard to find. I tell her that I think about her family all the time, her cat, and that I've never stopped loving her, I just didn't know what to do, so I focused on my career. So I spilled it out more. She said she wish I had been this passionate the first time or week (I thought I was, I was freaking mess and I begged and said I love you as much as I thought I could), and I told her I didn't know how to react because I was blind sided, but you've got to understand I never stopped loving you. You made me eggs one morning and then left, I had no idea how to react. I told her I was a mess for the first month and had no choice but to focus on my career. She felt that a month ago I had moved on, and I just re-enforced that fact that I never stopped loving her. I went on to say that I think it's a good thing we're not living together, that if we wanted to try this again and take a step back, not living together will help. Because I think that it is what was caused some of the issues to begin with and she agreed. I told her that I would be gone for 4 days, and we could talk when I get back. She can think about things. I then asked her if she wanted to get off the phone and she said yes. I asked so what does this mean, and she said we can talk about things when I get back.

 

There was other things said I'm sure, but I can't remember everything. The funny thing is when I brought the other guy up, she didn't say anything about him, when I asked if she moved on she didn't say flat out yes, and this was before she said she had thought I had already moved on.

 

One thing she did say at some point was that she felt horrible and sorry, I think this was right after she asked why I wasn't this passionate before.

 

Well I got back last night, and I check my email and there's an email message from her, the first time she's done that since we broke up. She basically said she's been thinking a lot about our talk the past couple of days and she's really confused and doesn't know what to say right now. She felt like we had an amazing relationship but there was so much missing and that she was happy but not as happy as she wanted. This was all news to me and the first time I've heard it (even when we first broke up she didn't say any of this). She felt that we were to comfortable with each other and we didn't care, and "now that we're apart we care?" She honestly doesn't know what to do, and is having a hard time concentrating on school. Her mind is really f'd up right now. She ends it with I guess I'm was a bad girlfriend, and you're probably better off with out me.....

 

I wrote back....

 

I don't lay it on thick at all though, I've already done that and I think anymore will totally mess with her head even more and push her away.

 

I would rather talk to you in person or over the phone, but I can understand if you don't want to do that right now. So I'll make this short. I didn't mean to put all this on you during school, it wasn't my intent. You're not a bad girlfriend or were a bad girlfriend. You're an amazing girlfriend and an amazing person!

 

As for us, I think we did get comfortable with each other (that's a good thing!), and that happens in all good relationships, and I don't think either of us didn't care, I just think we didn't take notice. There's nothing wrong with being comfortable with each other, but the key is talking about what is wrong. I never knew you weren't as happy as you wanted to be, or that you felt something was missing, I'm sorry. I want to know these things, because then we can fix them and we could and can. What I do know is I'm not better off without you. I don't mean to add to your confusion, but I just can't walk away.

 

 

When you want to talk, let me know.

 

I"m not sure if that was the best written letter, but I think it gets the point across and doesn't lay it on thick. I know she said those last two things about being a bad girlfriend and that I'm better off without so I would just walk away like everyone else has done in her life (her fater, her mother, she's raised her self since she was 15, she's now 24) and make it easier, but I can't. She would always say that when we got in a fight (the few times we actually did, she would say I guess i'm a bad person, or a bad girlfriend).

 

So what do you guys think?

 

I actually found out this morning that she called off from work on thursday, she never does that esp because she doesn't work that many hours and needs every dime she can get.

[mikefromnc]

I don't think you should keep telling her you love her. She knows that and it can become something that will push her farther away if you constantly keep saying it. Give her some space, but be there if she calls. Sometimes even when you love each other it is just not meant to be.

Just take care of yourself in case it doesn't work out.

[storm]

I'm not sure why nobody really cares to give you advice on this situation. I've been following your story for some time and I just have to say something. You have handled everything very well. Your story is very similar to my own in many ways. There are always some instances that are different but very similar. Being mysterious has really helped you out. Answering late like you don't care has brought you some results. You haven't begged in a while but you have to be careful how far you go with the conversations. Having the conversation was something you needed to do and I understand that nobody really gave you advice when you were contemplating that option. I was in your exact situation about 2 weeks ago with the ex texting me. I failed to ignore these texts and to push her even further I had a serious conversation with mine. She gave me most of the answers I needed to ruin my hope but i'm still left guessing. And you haven't gotten any answers either. Deep down inside she doesn't want you to move on. Her contact via text is a way of keeping you there. It is time to take advantage of this void she is starting to feel. Check out my story and you might see what I mean. I failed to follow the advice others had given me. Link below

 

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relationships/4-year-girlfriend-broke-up-me-sucks-106123-12.html

[niceguy27]

I think you did the right thing too. Limited contact is best. Especially if she is the one initiating it most of the time. From here, you guys have to go slow. You have taken some time apart, youve laid out new boundries, and you just have to wait a bit to see how she handles all that.

[storm]

I don't know. You really have two options. Continue this email/text messaging routine which could go nowhere. Or become 100% unavailable and see how she reacts.

 

I know you feel bad about her past life and you want to be her friend. But what about you??? She wanted this break up. This isn't what you wanted. She needs to miss you and feel the void. She left you and slowly moved her stuff out. You have to quit feeling sorry for her. She was maybe seeing someone else but who really cares. Time to take a stand. Your conversation might have yielded some answers but you didn't hear what you want to hear. She didn't say she wanted to get back together and she didn't say it is over for good. Just like my story, keeps you waiting. See what being mysterious did? You started to get texts from her. Was she making sure you were still there? Or did she need the comfort of her best friend. You have to cut that best friend off from her. I think until you do that, she won't make a decision. I think this is a great time to take advantage of the sorrow she has created. The sorrow of dumping her best best boyfriend.

 

What about all this pain and torture you have gone through?

 

This text/email stuff could go on and on. Until she finds a replacement for you or she realizes that she can be happy on her own. The point of no return.

[heartoutside]

Well thing that I stressed in our conversation is that I couldn't be that friend, esp if she has moved on. I think I took a good stand and voiced where I was coming from. I told her I knew about this new guy and that she couldn't have it both ways basically (not those exact words). As for the texts, she never said why she was sending them, and I'm still not sure why....making sure I was still there? or what? When she sent them she said she had thought that I had moved on, if so then maybe she was sending texts to a friend, but she knew that we couldn't be friends I've told her that from the get go.

 

Mikefromnc-I haven't told her over and over that I love her, just in that conversation. I may have over done it a little in our conversation, but she hasn't heard those words from my mouth in 2 and a half months. And now I know it was important for her to hear it again seeing how she thought I had moved on, and wanted to know why I was this passionate months ago.

 

So storm are you saying I just ignore her? I'm not going to contact her until she contacts me, this much I know....I realize the text thing could go on and on, which is why I had to take a stand and is why I told her I couldn't do it anymore. The thing with that is, that is what I did for the past 3 months basically. I contacted her maybe 3 or 4 times on my own free will without her first contacting me. And what did that get me? A statement from her saying that she thought that I had moved on. I don't think I've been a best friend to her at all these past few months, nothing like when we were dating, not even close.

 

As for the sorrow, that is something I've really been thinking about. While sitting in the airport last night waiting for my flight, my buddie and I got to talking. He basically said that my ex is a nice girl but I shouldn't have to deal with her baggage (which I don't totally agree with). That she moved out on me and didn't openly talk with me about anything or any issues. So now I kind of find myself asking "am I crazy to still be in love with this girl!?" I guess if there is one thing we can all agree upon here at LS is love isn't easy and sure isn't pain free and only the person(s) involved can answer that question for themselves. Which is what taking time to yourself is all about. I think I've taken a ton of time for myself, I've reflected on this whole thing time and time again, and I think the answer is obvious. I'm crazy! Crazy in love.......

[heartoutside]

We do I do if she doesn't contact me? She and I are going to the same party in about 3 weeks, so we'll run into each there for sure. I'm not sure how to handle this now....

[niceguy27]

If you happen to talk to her between now and then TRY to keep it light. 3 weeks is a ways away too. Be short but polite if you reply to her txts. On a side note...If you are crazy in love with her, do whatever it takes to try to wait her out. If she is not with anyone seriously and is still keeping you around, I think that she really does want things to work out in the end.

[heartoutside]

Well it happened alot faster then I thought it would. Tonight while i was out with some of our mutual friends I got a text from her....HI

 

I waited a little while and caved, and replied, hey....

 

She asked what I was up too, and basically we texted back and forth for a little and then she asked when we could talk. I told her when ever is best for her, and she said she had a lot of homework and that monday would probably be best. So I said that's fine how about dinner?

 

She replied that would be great, she would probably be hungry after work.

 

So i'm supposed to pick her up from work at 6 on monday and have dinner with her. I have no idea what to expect, or what to do?! I was an ass and logged on to myspace and looked at her page. She changed her mood from confused to sad and now only had 4 tops friends instead of 8. The 1st friend being our mutual friend (The same guy who's couch I spent 4 days on when we first broke up) 2: this other guy 3: our mutual best frined 4: This dj who is friends with the other guy. She also took the pictures of her and this other guy down from myspace, but didn't take them down from facebook...but did take a picture of him and her at an egagement party down from facebook.

 

I don't know what to think?! Or what to do? Would she really go through all this to go out to dinner with me and tell me it's over and that we have no chance!??! Why not just do that over an email or a phone call?!?!

 

I do know I'm ready to expect what ever she has to say....I may be sad if she says goodbye, but I won't be anything like I was when she first left......

[madgun68]

Alright! Looks like you're on the right path. Lets dive in..

 

I don't know what to think?! Or what to do? Would she really go through all this to go out to dinner with me and tell me it's over and that we have no chance!??! Why not just do that over an email or a phone call?!?!

First of all, stop trying to figure her out. Seeing what she's doing with her online profiles isn't going to help you understand one bit what is going on in her mind right now. Only she knows this and you trying to figure it out is going to drive you mad.

 

You say you're ready to accept whatever she has to say.. this is the perfect way to be. If you're at that point, you're not going to be overly emotional and risk pushing her away by appearing clingy and needy.

 

You want to act as natural and as confidant as you possibly can.. and most importantly, just be YOU.

[heartoutside]

I feel like I should send her a text asking what to expect!? It's killing me not knowing, but I'm already expecting the worst. I do think she'll tell me it's over and that she can't do it. And even though it's not what I want to hear, at least it will be OVER. I just don't see her walking away from our relationship or our friendship like that though. so who knows...?

[niceguy27]

Let her bring things up. As hard as it will be, let her do it. If she doesnt, dont sweat it. If you guys go out a few times afterwards, she may feel like opening up a little. You dont want to pressure her into saying something prematurely. This takes time. Look at the big picture. You may win a battle but youve got the rest of the war to think about. Good luck!

[heartoutside]

Well she actually texted me last night and asked if "we" could take a rain check? She has a lot of homework to catch up on.

 

I just replied sure and she wrote back, are you sure, and I said yup...to which she replied....."o.....k." Don't know if she was trying to be funny or just being kind of "well ok then" attitude.

 

She knows how I feel now, so the ball is in her court. There isn't anything I can do. I'm not going to react in any way negative or positive, just cool and simple. If she conitunes with the texts, I won't reply, not until we talk. I told her that last week. In her email she said she was confused, I mean that was even the subject line "Confused." I would like to think that her saying she has a lot of HW and putting this off is just an easy way for her not to confront it, or do anything she is unsure of. But i'm done making excuses for her.....

[niceguy27]

If she is really that busy (i got that excuse once when we were supposed to meet) there will be another time shortly when she will agreee to meet. She doesnt sound like a cold hearted person so she probably really is busy. And one thing I do know is that she knows EXACTLY how you feel. You have been real honest with her and told her what your heart feels. She should know you well enough by now to know what to expect.

 

The texts...its so hard to tell the feelings behind them. If it was questionable on her end, she would of text back to clarify. Either way, it probably got her wondering about the meaning behind it. Good to make her wonder a bit

[heartoutside]

So I'm sitting here at my computer listening to the monday football game (I don't have cable) and I get a text. I thought it was my buddie who works at a bar, because I asked if he was working tonight so I could go watch the game and drink on the cheap. But it was my ex.

 

"Hey. The store (where I work about once a month and where I used to work part time and where I meet my ex) wants to know if you'll be attending the all store 5 year pin ceremony."

 

The funny thing is, I could have sworn that everyone at the store knew that she and I were broken up. Why would they ask her to ask me? Why not have another one of my friends who works there ask me? Why not call me and ask me themselves? They called to ask me how I wanted my name to appear on my 5 year anniversay box about 4 months ago.

 

I'm not going to reply. I've been replying to all her contact...she knows how I feel now, she knows I love her. If she thinks my love has changed in the past 6 days or the past day because she backed out on our dinner, shes wrong. I find it funny that she can't stop contacting me.....man....

[ftheunion]

Ya, be careful now after spilling it. You should think about the philosophical stuff now. Does anything matter? What is love? Determinism vs. Free will. Hardcore stuff.

 

 

Tell her you don't intend to put guilt. Just say that guilt is something you doubt exists. Tell her you don't want her to be sad like she sounded on the phone, so if that guy is making her feel better, tell her to go for it hardcore. Tell her that you are questioning any and all things to clear your mind.

[heartoutside]

So last night I got a text from my ex. The store that she and I both work at (I don't work there as much anymore, maybe once a month she works 25 hrs a week) asked her to ask me if I would be going to this company party we are having for the 5 year employees. "Hey. The store wants to know if you'll be attending the 5 year pin ceremony."

 

I have no idea why they would ask her to ask me? I thought every one at the store knew we had broken up. The store called me about 6 months ago and asked me how I wanted my name to appear on my pin. So why not call me to see if I would be attending or send me an email?

 

I didn't reply to her text. About 3 or 4 hours later I get another text.

 

Are you mad at me?

 

I don't reply to that either because I'm trying to sleep.

 

Then like an hour later another text.

 

Well, I hope you aren't.

 

I get up this morning and I decide to reply. I ask why would I be mad at her.

 

She replies, I guess I was being silly. sorry.

 

So i jokingly reply, no sorries silly.

 

She replies thanks,

 

So I reply sure, have a good day, and she says you too!

 

I don't know what I"m doing....Was it stupid of me to reply?

 

I still don't know why she sent me that first text? She and I always got mad at the store when we dated because they would always do things like that. Ask her to ask me something about my schedule, or ask me to tell her something. They never treated us as individuals, but always as a couple. I would think they would stop that if they knew about us (which I'm sure they do!) Is she just making an excuse again to talk...or seeing if I'm going to the party....?

[storm]

Don't forget she knows how you feel. Remember the serious talk? That most likely pushed her away a little but it seems she is coming back your direction again because of your late text replies. I still think you should try ignoring a few texts now. Not just for a day, try longer than that. I wouldn't reply to anymore texts unless she asks you about that dinner you guys were supposed to have.

 

Don't tell her you love her again. Only tell her that if you guys are back together in each others arms. But i'm sure you know this.

 

You must be careful of this friendzone you are in. Like I said, this text stuff could go on forever. Yes she misses you but there is that dreaded side of her that wants to be single etc(the side that wanted to break up with you). I don't think she will come back to you just from these text messages. Try completely ignoring one, she knows you aren't mad at her now. The less you do, the more you do.

[heartoutside]

It was also suggested to me that I send her a text about dinner, something along the lines of hey this new place opened up maybe we should go there for dinner.....but my question is, should I make the attempt for dinner again or should she......

[niceguy27]

Let her make an attempt. Ive had my share of talks with my ex and at the time it seems I get through to her and then after that its 4-5 days without hearing anything. So then I text, then the cycle breaks, blah blah. Back to square one. NOW I am doing NC with her. LET HER make contact. You have told her exactly how you feel. Its up to her now to figure it out. There should be no question in her mind where you stand.

 

Good luck man. I really hope things work out. Again, let her make contact.

[heartoutside]

It's funny as I was typing that last post, she texted me, but only to tell me that the gas bill was sent to her place. I told her sorry, text me the account number, phone number and ss#. She does and then sends a joking text telling me not to sell her ss#. I started to reply with a funny joke and then I stopped. I think you guys maybe right (although in the past, some advice has been way off). I've laid it out for her, she knows what I feel. If she thinks things have changed in 6 days, or because she backed out of the dinner, then I guess I'll have to deal with that.

 

I guess this is just a new point in the road for me and I'm just a little unsure how to deal with it. Before the road was just me going where ever it went (ie, being depressed, questioning everything, wondering why...etc etc). Now I'm focused I know what I want, I know what I'm doing with my life and myself and now I've given the road some direction and all I can do is see where it takes me....and let it ride.

[storm]

Hell no. do not ask about another dinner. she backed out because she wasn't ready for "the conversation".

 

You have to make up her mind for her. Try disappearing.

 

Try to meditate and step outside of your body and into hers. Think of what it's like when you kind of like someone and you don't know what to do. What happens when someone you know ignores you??? You wonder and it bothers the heck out of ya. You call more.

[heartoutside]

Last night, I didn't reply to her text and hours later she asks if I'm mad. I'm worried that she'll keep taking that attitude.....she always has, when she did something that she thought I should be mad about, she would always ask, are you mad. And if she keeps taking that attitude it may snow ball into real anger... no?

[storm]

Mad? Mad??? Did you rip her heart out and stomp it on the floor and pour bleach on it??

 

She broke up with you.

 

Quit listening to your heart. She will never have any anger towards you. Look at how you poured out your feelings the other day. Only listen to your heart when you guys are together once again.

[heartoutside]

So why not listen to my heart? I didn't listen to it for the first 2 months and finally this past month I've been letting it do the talking only to find out I should have done it sooner!

 

What if she never asks about getting together to talk again? Does that seem stupid? Would she do that? She knows this, we stand un-resolved and she knows she can't ignore me (we have too many friends in common, so we are bound to run into each other in the next month). How long do I wait to ask her to dinner again? One way or another I need to have this resolved. Or Do I not force it because she's confused? Damn, so many questions.

 

She didn't text me today by the way. She ended our conversation yesterday about the gas bill with a joke, but I didn't reply. Maybe I should have? Ugh:sick: