forbidden fruit Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 What a roller coaster the last four days have been. We went out Thur. and we both got drunk, bad idea. He told me he loved me, could not live without me and he was leaving his wife. He said the only reason he has not left yet is because of his kids. He said he was so unhappy and that for the first time in his life he found someone who made him truly happy and that was me.He said I was the love of his life. He asked where we were going to move? Well, I am stunned, but still going with it and am cloud nine. I have been waiting to hear this for two years. Friday, rolls around and it is another story he is mad he got so drunk and of course when he went home his w did not talk to him. He then says to me lets try and be together as much as possible, but he is not ready to leave yet. Well that was enough for me after two hours of me telling him how inconsistent and all over the place he is I ended it. I told him I let him back in and ending the first time almost killed me and now I have to do it all over again. Of course he did not want it to end and was fighting tooth and nail mostly because of the sex. I walked away and said you have made your decision and I have given you almost two years and you have still have done nothing and you will never do anything so I would rather go through the hurt now then 15 yr down the line or maybe sooner because we would of gotten caught. So that is that and once again I am devastated and I am sure he will try to get in, but the only way he will come back in is if he tells me he signed the divorce papers and he has found us a place where we all could live. I am not betting on that and so I am off with Nc and it is going to be so hard because I see him at school now everyday and our daughters are the best of friends, his W is being nice to me and my H is nice to him. I can't put everybody through round 2 that is alos why i ended it because I was getting crazy wondering what he is talking about in there with her. I just want out. Any thoughts ?
whichwayisup Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 FF, Make a decision and stick to it. It's either time to divorce your husband because you cannot keep bouncing back and forth between your MM and your Hm it is so unfair to your H! Let him go and heal, so one day he can find a woman to make him happy. OR completely END the affair with your MM, move away and be done with it. The kids will adjust to the move... I honestly don't know what to tell you, except since you've been through this before with the MM, you can handle it better the second time around. NC is NC in every way, that is, if you ARE going to end things with him once and for all. You both are inconsistant, the push/pull, come here, go away game HAS to end.
woe_is_me Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 hmmm can't imagine having to still see the xmm while trying no contact...that would've killed me.. i wish you all the best.. my xmm was very clear cut and decisive when it came to NC.. thank goodness.. he didn't drink either..your mm sounds very mixed up...your families sound way too close for you to be even contemplating the A you're having... A good male friend of mine told me ..and i know it hurts for a lady to hear...that an OW is nothing more than an extension to pulling himself off.. i.e he is sick of wanking himself..how romantic!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 As long as you keep allowing him to reel you in (even allowing him to express how he feels to you), he will NEVER have an incentive to leave. Why? Because he doesn't have to. He can stay married, and know that with the right level of sweet sounding bullsh*t he can have you pretty much any time he wants. I keep hearing you say "I ended it" but you really haven't. You've only ended it until the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. Is he leaving? Bottom line: no. Because you are giving him absolutely no reason to. You want him to leave? Give him a reason. Let him know through your words and your actions, that you are COMPLETELY off limits to him both emotionally and physically - no 'friends', no 'hanging out', no more caving in, nada - until he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers, and lease on his new place. If you can't do this, then understand that your position as OW is likely a permanent one (until he ends it, anyway).
Impudent Oyster Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 What makes you think he might leave? Because he said so when he was wasted? He's not leaving. Believe him when he's sober. Also don't ever get a divorce for a married man. Get a divorce because you don't want to be married to your husband anymore. What's up with that anyway? How can you even ponder his leaving when you're still married????? What are you doing?
Guest Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 I am passing through, going through an ending myself, after 2 years. People told me he wouldn't leave for me.... and they were so right. Please, please don't get caught up in this. It has been 3 weeks now, since he has stopped talking to me. It is over. She sort of found out and she wants to make it work. They agreed in the short term, to do it for the kids. Please, being in the situation, don't wait for him. If you were out of the picture, it is likely he would not leave, and he would stay content. Just as my xMM is doing - so he can have his kids everyday. Take care of you first.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 As long as you keep allowing him to reel you in (even allowing him to express how he feels to you), he will NEVER have an incentive to leave. Why? Because he doesn't have to. He can stay married, and know that with the right level of sweet sounding bullsh*t he can have you pretty much any time he wants. I keep hearing you say "I ended it" but you really haven't. You've only ended it until the next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. Is he leaving? Bottom line: no. Because you are giving him absolutely no reason to. You want him to leave? Give him a reason. Let him know through your words and your actions, that you are COMPLETELY off limits to him both emotionally and physically - no 'friends', no 'hanging out', no more caving in, nada - until he shows you signed and notarized divorce papers, and lease on his new place. If you can't do this, then understand that your position as OW is likely a permanent one (until he ends it, anyway). This is exactly what I think. I feel like I am in a power postition. The power to take back all I have allowed him to rob me of. I truly thinks he wanted me to be as miserable as him becase after all misery loves company. I think he has used the kids to get to me and while I will still let my kids play and I will still be neighbourly to his W he is done. He is very good at pushingall my buttons and how to turn it on when he needs to. Should I tell him not to contact me unless he has divorce papers or do I need to even say that now? I think he knows what I want. I guess I won't be holding my breath.Thanks for your advice. LB
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 7, 2007 Author Posted September 7, 2007 He also says he has no problem leaving his W, he would leave her in a minute.The problems is his kids he thinks he won;t get to see them as much as he wants if he leaves and he thinks his W will take everything house,money,etc. What do you guys thinks about that.
woe_is_me Posted September 7, 2007 Posted September 7, 2007 He also says he has no problem leaving his W, he would leave her in a minute.The problems is his kids he thinks he won;t get to see them as much as he wants if he leaves and he thinks his W will take everything house,money,etc. What do you guys thinks about that. They all say that
Meaplus3 Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 They all say that Very true " they all say that!!!" FF, Look! this MM is turning you on and off like a light bulb! Unless you see signed paper's I would not get your hopes up for him! Are you ready to leave your H? Do you think your marriage is over? AP:)
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 He then says to me lets try and be together as much as possible, but he is not ready to leave yet... I just want out. Any thoughts ? Why don't you listen to what he's saying (when sober). He's not going to leave, he just wants an affair. If that's not what you want, then you need to end it. Again.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 Is this a line all mm use? I want to leave , but I do not want to lose everything so if you could just not rush things, things will happen. I need some time to figure things out. The more time we hang out the easier my decision and we eventually will be together. How long does it take for them to make the decision they are going separate. Does he say all this just to keep the carrot dangling in front of me.
PandorasBox Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Does he say all this just to keep the carrot dangling in front of me. Yes,I would imagine so. PLease have more respect for yourself and end it with him, because you are pretty much his side action, nothing more, nothing less. Not trying to sound harsh, but he has a wife/family and you on the side. You will always play second fiddle.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Is this a line all mm use? I want to leave , but I do not want to lose everything so if you could just not rush things, things will happen. I need some time to figure things out. The more time we hang out the easier my decision and we eventually will be together. How long does it take for them to make the decision they are going separate. Does he say all this just to keep the carrot dangling in front of me. That's the golden question isn't it FF? That's the one I have in my mind quite a lot of the time. All I can say is, that having read lots of OW forums over the past few years, the ones that DO actually leave do so of their own accord, in their own time, when the time is right for them. And they do leave! Oh, the other time they leave (from reading Surviving Infidelity) is either when they're kicked out after a d-day, or up to two years post-d-day when it becomes apparent the marriage will NOT be surviving infidelity. So all in all, the facts are that in most scenarios, most OW will have given up hope by then and moved on. Of course some MM will be 'dangling the carrot' with no real intention of leaving. I don't know HOW you can tell them apart, however, at times. I would think that any man saying he 'loves his W' is a good bet to not be leaving ever... but what other clues there are, is anybody's guess. I've even read threads from OW whose MM swore he'd NEVER leave, and she was happy with it... only for him to leave anyway!
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 He knows I am not leaving right now also so he says why should go if you are not leaving. He is scared if he goes I will not ever leave. I told him you should leave because you have been complaining how bad your m and how unhapy you are. I told him it is your life leave or don't leave, but I can't be in the middle of your m anymore and I do not want to be the reason you stay or go.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 He knows I am not leaving right now also so he says why should go if you are not leaving. He is scared if he goes I will not ever leave. I told him you should leave because you have been complaining how bad your m and how unhapy you are. I told him it is your life leave or don't leave, but I can't be in the middle of your m anymore and I do not want to be the reason you stay or go. Well there you go. No one should be leaving their marriage because someone else has or hasn't left theirs. That's just crazy talk.
Author forbidden fruit Posted September 8, 2007 Author Posted September 8, 2007 I am not sure what you mean. I believe he really loves me, but is so needy right now because he is so unhappy. Should I stay away from him until he can make his own decision without having me as a influence.
frannie Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I am not sure what you mean. I believe he really loves me, but is so needy right now because he is so unhappy. Should I stay away from him until he can make his own decision without having me as a influence. I meant, that people leave marriages because the marriage is over. Whether other people have or haven't left theirs should be irrelevant.
Meaplus3 Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 I am not sure what you mean. I believe he really loves me, but is so needy right now because he is so unhappy. Should I stay away from him until he can make his own decision without having me as a influence. FF, YES! You should stay away from him until he has made his own decision and YOU YOUR own Decision FF, Are you sure you want to leave your H? Even if it's not today but down the line? I have alway's been under the impression from you that you love your H and that he's the better man then this MM? I am only asking you question's in order to help, for you know I am on your side 100 % and can VERY much relate to all the misery involved in situation's like this. Hug's to you!! AP:)
Impudent Oyster Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 He also says he has no problem leaving his W, he would leave her in a minute.The problems is his kids he thinks he won;t get to see them as much as he wants if he leaves and he thinks his W will take everything house,money,etc. What do you guys thinks about that. I think he's full of sh#t. Does he think you're stupid? No wife can take "everything", no court would allow it. No way on this earth will she get all the money. Wouldn't he hire an attorney for the divorce? He's full of it, plain and simple.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Is this a line all mm use? I want to leave , but I do not want to lose everything so if you could just not rush things, things will happen. I need some time to figure things out. Yes, pretty much, word for word taken from the MM handbook.
norajane Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 He then says to me lets try and be together as much as possible, but he is not ready to leave yet. He knows I am not leaving right now If you're staying with your husband, then why do you care if he leaves his wife? so he says why should go if you are not leaving. He is scared if he goes I will not ever leave.Are you waiting for him to leave, so that you have someone to go to and move in with and because you won't leave on your own? If that's what you are waiting for, then you can understand how he might be feeling...he wants the same assurance that you want. Chicken/egg...neither of you would leave your marriage unless there is someone else to go to...if you weren't in an affair with each other, neither of you would end your marriages.
Cheesecake Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Hi. I just want to know if I'm understanding this correctly because I'm a bit lazy and don't feel like going back and reading past posts. FF, you are still MARRIED yourself and have a relationship with a MM. Although you are the OW, you are also the MW and he the OM. I know sometimes in situations like this, its easier to focus on the other party and not oneself. But I really think you should try to see this from his point of view as the OM. FF, out of curiousity, what is your plan? Are you waiting for him to get a divorce first and then plan on getting one yourself? Because, and I mean no disrespect, if that's the case, why should he be the first to divorce? He has no guarantee that once he has papers signed that you won't change your mind and stay in your marriage.
whichwayisup Posted September 8, 2007 Posted September 8, 2007 Neither are going to ever get divorced and give up life as they're both used to. The house, kids, the routines, family, inlaws, friends...I honestly can't see it happening. Either the A continues, on and off, or one family moves away.
Recommended Posts