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Posted

hi-

 

I am new here and appreciate any response. I ended a 4 year rel'ship with my boyfriend in June (living with him for the last year but I always kept my own place). Part of the reason I finally left was I had met and was VERY attracted to someone else. I started seeing New Guy right away. We had had a growing attraction over a period of a few months while I was still with Old Guy. Truth be told, we did kiss/make out a couple of times prior to my break up but I left my boyfriend within a few weeks of this. I'm not proud of doing what I did, but I figured I didn't let it drag on for very long.

 

New Guy and I had a great summer, we spent a lot of time together, we had wonderful passionate lovemaking and seemingly much in common. He invited me a month ago to spend some of his vacation with him and I said yes and we were making plans up until recently. About 1.5 weeks before the vacation (I would only spend half of the week with him as I had to work) he told me that he felt "uncomfortable" "something wasn't right" and that he didn't want to hurt me, he felt he should tell me now rather than later and that he didn't think I should join him on his vacation. He said something about he felt so lucky to have me as a friend. ????

 

So I left that night he broke up with me, I pretty much kept my cool and dignity but I was really taken aback as he was calling me a LOT, he had started using terms of endearment like "baby" and things seemed to be going quite well. It was truly unexpected. I think he freaked about the vacation, that it would signal "commitment" and he ran. I have not initiated any contact with him, but I did see him at an outing 5 days later with the same people we know (we work together, just part time). He called me the night of outing as he knew I was going and left a voicemail that he would like to talk to me, but I didn't call him back. I saw him at the bar but we didnt' talk much as it was very crowded. He called the next night and I did not pick up. He thanked me for being so nice to him (I just acted cool and normal, like nothing happened) and that it was good to see me and "nice to see your smile". He noted I was deeply in conversation with another guy, one of our co-workers. He said he hoped we could speak in the next couple of days. He was leaving for his vacation the following weekend. I didn't call him back as I felt he was just trying to feel good about himself, assuage his guilt and "clear the air" with me before he left town.

 

So now he will return and I have to see him next week, twice. I cannot decide if I should contact him or not, either via phone or email. We will be working together in this part time situation, none of the other people involved

know about us.

 

I fell in love with him and am hopeful he will come back to me. I would definitely use no contact but I do have to see him on a semi-regular basis. He did try to talk to me twice but it was too soon after the break and I did not want to get stuck in a phone conversation I did not want to be in. But as an adult, I feel that perhaps I should respond to his request to communicate...especially since we have to see each other. Should it be via phone or via email? Then on the other hand, if I just ignore him and just carry on like nothing happened, wear a smile on my face and enjoy my life, is it possible he will reconsider and want me back?

 

Sorry for the very long post, any and all advice is appreciated!

Posted

What do you want? Do you want a relationship with him? Do you want to be "just friends"? If you want a relationship with him, you are going to need to find out from him just what is going on and what he wants and if it isn't the same as what you want, then you have your answer. I personally have learned I can not be "just friends" with someone I want more from.

Hope this helps.

  • Author
Posted

thanks for your response Sheena. Yes, I do want a relationship with him. But I think I'm also going to have to develop a cordial working relationship with him if a love relationship is not in the cards, as I'm going to have to see him semi-frequently. I guess you are right, I need to contact him to find out.

Posted

Hi Rapunzel,

 

That depends what it is that you are really scared of. If you just need time because you feel you need to get your emotions together, that's fine. Maybe you are scared that he will tell you stuff you don't want to hear.

 

I think it is definitely good to communicate if you want to sort this out one way or another. It should be face to face. not phone call and definitely not email.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for your response Birdie. Yes, I am afraid of what I might hear. I guess what I'm trying to figure out is: is it my responsibility as the dumpee, to contact the dumper, who called me twice before going on his vacation to "check in" who said he "wants to actually talk to me" and how do I do this? Do I email him, call him and leave a voicemail before he gets back? Do I insist on a face to face meeting? He dumped me, why would he want a face to face? He'll be back tomorrow, and then I'll see him on Monday because of our working relationship. My feeling is he just wants to clear the air, but of course, I am assuming and I really don't know.

 

If I did not have to see him, I would do No Contact because I need to heal and because I want him to (possibly) miss me and think about what he is missing. Since he is going to see me twice next week, I do not have this option.

Posted

maybe you can send him an email acknowledging that he tried to talk to you twice before. say also that since you work together, it is a good idea to talk and that he could call you to arrange a time for meeting up when he is back from holiday.

 

I personally wouldn't call him for this reason, there is no need, you don't have to stress about sounding a certain way on the phone and can spend as much time as you want composing the email. this would be just a note telling him that you are open for the actual discussion to take place.

 

The downside is that you will have to wait for him to get in touch but since you don't sound that eager to speak to him, it doesn't matter.

 

people are different but maybe before NC it's good to talk anyway, no? you don't know what you need to heal from, maybe it's good to know what the issue is exactly?

 

but as you will see him next week, NC is not an option anyway.

  • Author
Posted

THANKS Birdie! That is helpful. I had been thinking email was the way to go, I agree....and his phone service is such that you can't edit and change your voicemail easily. So it will be much less stressful to send a quick email. He comes back tomorrow night, so I'll send it tonight and he'll have a couple of days to respond before I see him on Monday (ugh).

 

It's going to be very tough having to see and work with him but I guess what doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I can't project into the future but I'm sure I'll be back here with an update, asking for more advice, as something tells me this is not completely over. However, that could be wishful, magical thinking also...

 

If it is completely over, than I just have to carry on with my life and do my best, day to day. And work on myself so that I can meet someone else who will be good for me, and I for him. Thank god for boards like these and nice people who will respond to those of us in need!

  • Author
Posted

Ok, so now I'm back to: I'm not going to contact him. A friend pointed out that I might hear more things that I don't want to hear, that might hurt me. And that I might find myself in a conversation that will make me feel worse, not better. Iin order to keep whatever power I have left, and to feel a sense of self-preservation, I'm not going to contact him. When he sees me in person he'll have an opportunity (well it might be touch with other people around) to talk to me and let me know what is on his mind. I'm maintaining that the reason he contacted me before his vacation was so that he could go off guilt-free, because I am a nice person, and I'd probably tell him it was OK and not to worry about it. But I'm not a doormat. (I used to be but I've wisened up a bit).

 

So if anyone has any more comments would love to hear them!

 

Does this sound like game playing or self preservation? I need to heal and I feel even an email will make me feel too vulnerable and open to possibly more rejection.

Posted

completely understand you and you should do what feels right. it is just unfortunate that you work together because ideally you want a conflict-free relationship with your colleagues. I understand exactly why you wouldn't want to face him, not everybody deals with confrontation well.

 

maybe when you see him on Monday in a safe environment (ie you will have people around you so you won't be forced to talk to him) it will help you decide how you want to deal with it further.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks again Birdie. No contact does feel right. I do not want to confront. Luckily this is just a part time working situation so I'll only have to see him once, and sometimes twice a week. And sometimes not at all. I know with time it will all work out. It will definitely be awkward and difficult in the beginning. I'm still VERY attracted to him and I can tell it will take some time before I get over this. I'm going to have to try to not look at him too much and just act *normal*. I had a life before him, and I will have a life after him, right? Living well is the best revenge, so they say. Not that I'm a vengeful person, I'm really not. But I have to continue trying to live the best life possible, in a positive way. I have to put myself first and not worry so much about him. I know that I made mistakes, things that came out of my mouth probably helped scare him away. I had just come out of a 4 year relationship and I think I was acting like I was in a relationship, rather than *dating* which is what we were doing. (Although it certainly seemed headed for a relationship.) But I'm not perfect...no one is...neither is he.

 

Despite being dumped by a man I loved and wanted to have a future with, I continue to have hope that I will meet someone who is better for me, who wants a relationship with me. I have to believe that he did me a favor, by freeing me to find that person.

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