scaredoflosing06 Posted August 30, 2007 Posted August 30, 2007 Hello i am looking for some advise from anyone. My wife and I have been together for 7 years married for a year and a half but lived together for 5 years. She left me 6 months ago saying she was not happy anymore and hasnt been for a while. It was only 9 months into our marriage. She said she tried to talk to me about things she was not happy about and i just didnt listen and i know she did but i think i took it as nagging. I told her that if she would have said that she wasnt happy and that it was getting to the point that she wanted to leave that it would have woke me up and things would have changed. But she didnt she said she gave me chances to listen to her and i didnt. she has never mentioned divorice to me she said she just needed space to think and she moved in with her mom. I have not given her very much space i cry everytime i see her and ask her whats going on and all that. I know i shouldnt have been and that i should have just enjoyed the time we spent together but it is so hard. Now its to the point she doenst spend anytime with me cause she says she knows it will just end up in a discussion.She has also givin the the i love you but im not "in love with you" line. I know what she is going through and she knows what i am going through because i left her twice before during our relationship and the first time was really bad because it was a week after our son was born and i was gone for a year. Which was 5 years ago and she says she still isnt over that fact. Can someone please give me some advice i want her back so bad just dont know how .
LakesideDream Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 In my experiance, women never "forget" anything. They keep it forever in their "book of wrongs", and no they do not keep a corresponding "book of rights". Generally it takes a lifetime to learn the code. "I need space" is one of the code phrases you should have learned first. "I love you, but am not in love with you" is another code phrase you should have become familiar with by now. Usually it means, sorry Charlie I've found someone else that intrests me more than you. My advice to you is to clam up. Don't contact her at all, let her find out if she misses you in her own time, in her own way. At this point your options are slim. Good Luck.
Curmudgeon Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 She said she tried to talk to me about things she was not happy about and i just didnt listen and i know she did but i think i took it as nagging. I told her that if she would have said that she wasnt happy and that it was getting to the point that she wanted to leave that it would have woke me up and things would have changed. You need to take ownership of your emotional neglect and stop blaming her for the fact that you didn't get the message. I think that would be a great start to healing.
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 As my Daddy use to say, "Take a fool's advice" Collectively with my post ~ you've got about 150 years plus of collective wisdom, and experience. Leave her the Hell alone!!! Don't call her, don't text her, don't e-mail her, don't drive by her Mom's house ~ Zlich! Nothing! Nada! Got it! Don't forget it! She said she tried to talk to me about things she was not happy about and i just didnt listen and i know she did but i think i took it as nagging. I told her that if she would have said that she wasnt happy and that it was getting to the point that she wanted to leave that it would have woke me up and things would have changed When it comes to women (most but not all) when it gets to this point, they've already left you mentally, emotionally, spirtually ~ and now? They've not going ~ they're gone! All that's needed at this point ~ is a mop, a bucket, and a preacher ~ and of course a divorce judge and lawyer or two! she has never mentioned divorice to me she said she just needed space to think and she moved in with her mom. I'm telling you! If you've got a snowball's chance in Hell, leave her alone. No flowers, no cards, no jewelry. Along with my advice above! If you had been proactive before and during the relationship you especailly for no special reason or occassions you probally would have gotten an "Awwwwwww!!!" and lots of But now? You're doing nothing but buying yourself a whole lot of bitterness and resentment ~ and down right piss off! :mad: I have not given her very much space i cry everytime i see her and ask her whats going on and all that. I know i shouldnt have been and that i should have just enjoyed the time we spent together but it is so hard. Now its to the point she doenst spend anytime with me cause she says she knows it will just end up in a discussion Gezz, you just don't when to quit, do you?! Re-read above advice! Go to one of the personal dating sites. Read the personals written by women. Do you see anthing that reads: "Looking for whinning, crying, needy, clingy guy with zero confidence that will leave me for a year after I carried his child for nine months and gave birth to his son. Who doesn't listen to me, and thinks everything that comes out of my mouth is just my bitching and nagging? And then when I've had enough, and have stood all that I can stand will become even more needly, clingly, whinning, and even less confidence in himself! I ask you? Would you want to be with someone like that? You'd best be getting your act together quick, fast and in a freaking hurry-like, or your going to lose this little gal for sure and certain. And, means "manning-the-hell up!" "Manning-up" means acknowledging you didn't know how to be married, you didn't know how to be married, that you had 1/10th of what you needed in terms of experience and knowledge when it comes to being a husband and married! (Don't beat yourself up, I was freaking clueless!) "Manning-up" means acknowledging "I screwed the Hell up! (At least your part in it all!) Its acknowledging "If its over ~ it over, and that's the way it is, and somehow, someway I've got to learn to live with that, and accept that! Just that damn plain! Just that damn simple! Because my friend ~ that's just the way it is! A lot of things in Life aren't meant to be understood, they're meant to be experienced. My personal spirtiual beliefs include that we're not just mortal beings having a spirtual experince, but spiritual beings having a mortal experience. To me? This life and world isn't anything more than a spirtual classroom. The lessons of this life? The things we experience? We'll understand once we get back to our true state as spiritual beings? In that context ~ death? Ain't nothing but a "thing" and it don't mean nothing. (Sidebar ~ there's many a book on different subjects and years of reading behind this. And time after time I come back to the teachings of J.C on it) Meanwhile, "Grandmaw was fighting off the Indians at the ranch!" My way of saying ~ getting back to you and yours. Leave her alone. Read ilmw's thread, along with psch's thread. Follow their example of working on you! And getting your azz B U S Y! You've become obsessed with her, your marriage, with winning her back ~ and no one, I mean no one likes that s***! Question? Is it so much that you want her back, or you just can't tote the note that you're no longer No.#1 in her life? For every finger you're pointing at her? You've got three pointing back at yourself! You need to be paying attention to those three, rather than the one! P.S. If I come across as hard on you? Well too sad ~ too bad! I'm a "Card Carrying" retired United States Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant, 2X's on the "streets as a DI at Parris Island. 12 Years married~ six and a half with another! Did the lying, cheating wayward spouse bit, then came the divorce, then the bankruptcy, the insane rules of the IRS (them Jokers don't play ~ they want the gold out of your teeth! They're HARD CORPS VC!) Got back out her in civilian la~la land! ("You want me to do what? Working what kind of hours? Four what kind of pay?!" Actually had one job interview where some joker asked me how much my military retirement was, so he could determine how to offer me in pay?! WTF!) "Life's tough for those that are stupid! The differnce between "stupid' and "ignorant" is that before you just didn't know better? NOW you DO! TOUGHEN UP, SUCK IT UP! DEAL WITH IT!
Toolate Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I have a question. Im in the middle of a breakup and the emotional dust has settled, when i talk to her i still tell her that i want to marry her and have kids, sometimes i get to crying a bit. Last time i checked i was a man. I work, handle my business and have overcome lots of obstacles. So whats the point of putting on this (ive moved on act) to make her see that im a (man) and can live without her? I get doing this for yourself, but if my GF comes back to me only because she is seeing that i dont have to have her to live, (of course not) why would i want such an immature girl? Thats a emotionally inept person IMO.
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Its not an act! Its about exploring and discovering yourself! Finding out about who and what you are? You can do it now? Or inside twenty years or more of marriage! And waking up to discover yourself, or wanting to find yourself. Its the necessry work we all must eventually do to become who and what we are to be! MUST be ~ and become!
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Its not an act! Its about exploring and discovering yourself! Finding out about who and what you are? You can do it now? Or inside twenty years or more of marriage! And waking up to discover yourself, or wanting to find yourself. Its the necessry work we all must eventually do to become who and what we are to be! MUST be ~ and become! Help me out here to explain this LJ, All I've got is a Louieville Slugger!
Toolate Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Louisville? Thats where i live. I do understand this, it something i need to do and i am getting stronger every day, I talked to the EX today and she said she was mad at herself for not leaving me sooner. Yeah like she was the collage graduate, with a perfect childhood and completely well rounded person who was just waiting for lil ol keith to get his act together. Na shes just trying to make me feel guilty. But instead its made me mad. Its just when i think about her coming back to me only because ive moved on and she now sees the reality of what she did, im like uh why would i want you back now, is it because im a man now?
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Louisville? Thats where i live. I do understand this, it something i need to do and i am getting stronger every day, I talked to the EX today and she said she was mad at herself for not leaving me sooner. Yeah like she was the collage graduate, with a perfect childhood and completely well rounded person who was just waiting for lil ol keith to get his act together. Na shes just trying to make me feel guilty. But instead its made me mad. Its just when i think about her coming back to me only because ive moved on and she now sees the reality of what she did, im like uh why would i want you back now, is it because im a man now? Whooooppppp? What's that I hear? A man manning up! :bunny: :D:D
Ladyjane14 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Okay... Scared and Toolate, what these guys are telling you is exactly right. When you compare Lakeside's post to Curm's, they might at first seem contradictory... but they're both true. If... and I mean IF.... your girls aren't playing, then you're facing "The Book of Wrongs". And while it might seem on the surface that the thing to do is to somehow convince her of your sincere remorse via emotional barrage... it's a mistake. This is a situation in which ACTIONS speak louder than WORDS. It's also a situation in which we must acknowledge that we don't always value what we have until it's GONE. You guys know that... now. But the same is true of these women as well. They KNOW that you're not gone... and since you're waiting in the wings, they don't have to deal with the emotional fallout of the break-up. Instead, their energy is still being utilized to extricate themselves from the relationship. Now, I don't believe that NC is necessarily the way to go when you're the one who's committed the majority of the marital "sins". There's some balance to be had. You can't be following her around like a dog. She won't respect you for one thing, and she won't come to the realization that she's losing you for another. But you can't act like you aren't sorry for whatever neglect you were guilty of either. What you might try is Michelle Weiner Davis' techniques as described in Divorce Busting. Here's an excerpt: 1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! 2. No frequent phone calls 3. Do not point out good points in marriage 4. Do not follow him around the house 5. Do not encourage talk about the future 6. Do not ask for help from family members 7. Do not ask for reassurances 8. Do not buy gifts 9. Do not schedule dates together 10. Do not spy on spouse 11. Do not say "I Love You" 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive 14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) 21. Never lose your cool 22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic 23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger) 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you 26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil) 28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel 34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes I high-lighted #29 for you... because these techniques are largely about showing ACTIONS, giving your wayward spouse something to observe. Let's face it, by the time we're fed up enough to pack up our household goods and LEAVE... we've already heard everything our partner has to SAY. His WORDS have historically lacked substance at that point. So now... you need to SHOW her something. You show her an attractive potential mate, one who's interesting and maybe a bit mysterious. You let her watch you make your changes as a voyeur, allowing your actions to speak for you rather than your words. And... you do it in an HONEST way. Don't utilize 180's from the list which don't feel right and natural. As far as we know, we're not dealing with adultery, we're dealing with "The Book of Wrongs"... so you don't want to be harsh. This is wholly different from getting into a NO CONTACT situation. Essentially, your new policy is to allow her to come to you. Of course, you don't set it in granite like it was some kind of game or something. There are times when you may be required to initiate contact. For example... Scared, you have a child to consider and will occasionally need to contact her with information related to parenting. But when you do, you only introduce the pertinent information to your conversation. You let her bring up any 'relationship' issues. And if she does, it's okay to tell her that you still love her and want her back. But you don't bring it up first and you don't maunder on and on about it. Short, sweet, to the point... that way you're leaving her with "the bullet", an easily remembered piece of information with no unpleasant emotional aftertaste. Fact is, what you want is that she be rewarded with a pleasant experience each time she contacts you. But you don't go out of your way to accomplish it in acts that she will undoubtedly perceive as machinations. It's just your DAILY business to be a nice and attractive guy, somebody who any girl would be lucky to be in a relationship with. So, you begin to see how all this begging and whining can make you unattractive. The experience of being in your company is leaving her with an "unpleasant emotional aftertaste". When it comes to women (most but not all) when it gets to this point, they've already left you mentally, emotionally, spiritually ~ and now? They've not going ~ they're gone! You need to be aware that MOST OFTEN, what Gunny has told you here, is the unvarnished truth of the matter. More often than not, by the time a woman has packed up her junk and left you... there's NOTHING you can do that will impress her enough to change her mind. In many cases, she's already shifted her romantic interest to another potential partner, and among those cases... she's content to leave her ex percolating nicely on the back-burner while she explores her other options. Following a plan similar to Davis' 180's, you can create some distance which will disabuse your 'wayward' of the notion that you are willing to wait indefinitely. But more importantly... it moves you further down the path to healing. It gives you an opportunity to become engaged in your own life, to get to know yourself a bit better, to have some dignity. It pulls you out of the cycle of sadness and emotional self-abuse as you pull off your hair shirt, forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and start making baby-steps toward becoming the man you want to see reflected in your bathroom mirror each morning. Scared... you're a father. If you read through ILMW's thread, you'll see how truly rewarding it can be to develop your own separate relationship with your child. And I'll tell you a secret... there's very little which is higher on a woman's list of Emotional Needs than being a good father to the children. Being a consistent and healthy presence in your little boy's life makes you more "attractive" than you can possibly imagine, and it comes with it's own rewards no matter the outcome of the marital relationship. Concentrate on being a good man and a good dad to your son. In the end, these are the things that will be most important to you. There's NOTHING that can replace self-respect. And you'll respect yourself more when "the man in the mirror" has no complaint with you.
PoshPrincess Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Scared, I agree with the majority of posters on this thread who have told you not to contact her. You really have to give her space to consider things and give her time to miss you. When you DO have contact (I am assuming you will because of your son) act carefree, happy-go-lucky, whatever it takes to prove yourself, but most of all be cool. I know it is really tough when you're crying out to tell her how much you love and miss her but what have you got to lose? If she is going to leave for good, she will do that anyway, whatever you decide to do. It's not that she wants you to fight for her anyway by the sounds of things. Please give her space and then at least if she DOES come back you won't ever have to feel that it's because you talked her into it.
norajane Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 I'm going to differ a bit from the advice you've been given. Your wife left you because you weren't listening to her, and you didn't even 'get it' how you were neglecting her (though when you leave her for a year right after your son is born, I don't understand how you fail to see that you have a tendency to neglect her needs and put yourself first). Then, when she does leave, you still act like it's all about you - you cry and plead for her to take you back because that's what YOU want and need. This woman is now completely convinced that there is no point in being with you...she already has a child...she doesn't want to nag and cater to a grown up child who is supposedly her husband. So, I'm all in favor of manning up and taking responsibility for your own actions. But, I don't think you should ignore her and not call her and not contact her. Yes, she needs space, but what she needs space from is the clingy/needy husband. At the same time, you need to show her that you can be the MAN she wants - a man who listens, a man who contributes to a marriage, a man who makes her feel like a sexy woman, a man whom she can rely on. First of all, get control of your emotions and that neediness. No more crying. Then, take a good hard look at your actions in this relationship for the last 7 years - a long look - and truly SEE and ACCEPT that you are responsible for not paying attention, for not listening, for not even noticing that she's been miserable. In this process, take the blame. Don't shift it onto her (drop that whole, "she didn't tell me she was so upset she wanted to leave me'). Accept that if you didn't recognize that your wife was close to leaving you, that you just weren't paying attention, NOR were you PROACTIVELY doing things to make things good between you...you were just drifting along. Then, man up and TELL her that you have done a lot of thinking and tell her that she is right...you have not been listening, that you have not been communicating, and that you see how you are responsible for the two of you losing the bond between you. Apologize to her for mentally checking out of the relationship. And then tell her that you cannot change the past, but you can and will work to change the future - a future that you want with her and your son. Tell her you have made an appointment to go to individual counseling to help you understand what your issues are that have made you blind to hers. Tell her you'd like to start going to marriage counseling with her, but if she doesn't want to go, that you'll go on your own. Don't plead, don't beg, don't make it about YOU. Tell her you want to be a man she can respect and love, and that you want to be a man that your son can look up to and learn from. After that, start flirting with your wife. Show her that you are the kind of man she can fall in love with again. Be a good father to your son. Offer to take your son for a while, so she can have time to herself. Try and think back to all those things she was 'nagging' you about, and take care of them. Every contact with your wife should be loving and flirtatious, not whiny and pleading. Show her you can be strong, and also show her that you see her as a woman, not your mother, not someone who is solely responsible for the health of your relationship.
Gunny376 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Outstanding LJ! Simply ourstanding! Good points NJ and Posh! You've gotten some damn good advice on this thread Scared. BTW? I wish these people had been around 17 years ago. Me and my big dumb azz did the exact oppossite of everything they're telling you! Thanks for having a look LJ Scared? Hang loose, be fluid, be flexible. The Ladies explain it much better than my "Leave her the Hell alone!" And, in the process if you read between the lines, they all explain why men need women in their lives ~ their the bananas in banana pudding, the tomato in Bloody Mary's, the cream & sugar to our morning coffee. With all the modern day conviences (microwaves, frozen TV dinners, cleanrers, washing machines) men don't need women ~ but then again? Yea we do! A goood woman adds value and meaning to a man's life! They compliment and make us better human beings, better than what we could be by ourseleves!
Missy27 Posted August 31, 2007 Posted August 31, 2007 Adding to LJ's and Gunny's posts ~~ Resentment seems to be an issue here and resentment unfortnately is a silent killer of relationships/marriage. When we've been betrayed we automatically pull all of our defences up and it can take a LONG time and LOTS of hard work to encourage someone to lower those barriers. Thats another reason why being needy, clingly, begging, crying and general weakness wont help your situation. Your wife knows that it is a weak man that walks out of his marriage when his wife is pregnant with their unborn child ~ she KNOWS that somoene whom has the capacity to do such a thing is just as likely to replay that behavior further down the line and it doesn't sound like you've (both) done enough to strip that issue down to its bones, build yourselves a bridge and get yourselves over it ~ Its all still there brewing right in the core of your marriage and its like a time bomb which has been waiting and has finally exploded. Your wife IS looking for the stronger man in you. The man who takes responsibility for his actions, his capacity as a father and a husband and his ability to make her feel assured of his presence in their family life
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I've read your most recent post on the "new" thread that you started after you got back from the drive in, but I'm posting on this one because this is the one that everyone else posted to, and its where you've received the best advice, and as you go through this you will need to re-read it. Please for all of us, stay on one thread. Some of these threads have gone on for a year or more. All I've ever seen Tony ask is that we try and stay on topic. The only thing you can do is work on you, identify your shortcomings and weaknesses and seek daily self improvement. Work on your self-esteem and self respect. Don't let her "get in your head" that its 100% your fault. A lot of wayward spouses to do this so as to rationalize and justify their actions ~ especially if their the one that leave. Work on your self confidence and getting back to the old you, that is to say the best of the old you plus the "new you" v2.0 if you would? Use the 180's that apply to your situation ~ learn them, memorize them, carry a copy of them in your pocket. Some will apply on certain days, others will apply on other days ~ you've got to become "fluid" and flexable. Hell, I'd copy and print everything Lady Jane told you and carry it around in your pocket, and read it every chance as though it was something Moses just brought down from the mountain. Google "DivorceBusting" and "MarriageBuilders" but don't get too caught up in the fourms ~ that is to say don't manifest other people stich to yours ~ K.I.S.S. ~ Keep It Simple Stupid. Keep contact to a minimum, converstations short and sweet. At least attempt to make yourself appear attractive at all times. "Do you try or move on?" Look here Slick? Its over! Hate to be the one to break it to ya ~ but its just that plain and simple? Its was over the day she moved out, it was over the yesterday, and as of today ~ its still over! Will it be over tomorrow, next week, next month, next year? Who knows? But as of 24:29 hours on 9/2/09 ~ its over! But you've got nothing but time on your hands, so work on yourself, getting yourself and your head back together. Learn damnit LEARN! Don't be a fool ~ get your azz back in school. Read ~ get yourself a library card put it too good use! If you can tote the note? Pick yourself up some good books from the MarriageBuilders and Divorcebusting websites, as well as Barnes and Nobles & Books A Million. And BTW ~ there's no way in Hell ~ Jay you're ready to get into another relationship. Will you and the DW reconcile? Well its like Steve told Hellen, there's just know way of tellin'! But I can promise you this much! There's no way in Hell the DW wants to come back to the guy that she was married to. So get rid of that SOB. You know? One of the defintions of insanity is to continue to do the same thing over and over and over ~ all the while expecting different results? I don't know you from Jack S**t, but you're coming across as having a bit of an attitude about yourself, and until you study and learn what actually works with women ~ you're going to fall on your face each and everytime! Me? I like ice cream, but when I go fishing? I go fishing not with ice cream ~ but with what I know what fish like ~ and it ain't ice cream! Read psch's thread the last four or five pages, there's a book I recommended to him titled, "How To Win Back The One You Love" its got the ISBN number, publishers address etc. (ISBN is the number by which you custom order a book ~ it stands for "International Standard Book Number")
Travis L Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 I just wanted to say to Gunny, I always can count on you to deliver the hard-nosed truth... I look you up everyday to see your latests advice on other people. You don't seem to wonder into the Breaks and Breaking up section so you wouldn't know my story but anyway, thanks for keeping it real. You and LJ tag team like the best of them...
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Tha "****" I've been through? Hell~ I'm just grateful to still sucking air!
Gunny376 Posted September 2, 2007 Posted September 2, 2007 Tha "****" I've been through? Hell~ I'm just grateful to still sucking air!
Toolate Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 This keeps getting better. My buddy showed up at my work with his new crotch rocket. I ask if him if i can go for a ride. He throws me the keys and says, (you remember how to ride?) That made my freaking night beautiful night, lovely breeze, awesome showroom new bike, went on a 15 min ride, it was so nice. I had stayed off of bikes so i wouldnt worry my EX, now shes gone and i dont have to worry about that anymore. Im off to try to buy a bike tomorrow. Yeah, its a lame, but you know what, this is the first time in my life ive said the hell with it. Whatever gets this girl off my mind. After me being with this girl since i was 17-29, im cutting lose a bit!
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 i left her twice before during our relationship and the first time was really bad because it was a week after our son was born and i was gone for a year. Which was 5 years ago and she says she still isnt over that fact. This has obviously made her insecure with the relationship... that is something that would be difficult to get over. You have to let her know you are sincere this time... if you left her twice, and one at a very crucial time in your relationship, how do you know you won't ever do it again?
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 As my Daddy use to say, "Take a fool's advice" Collectively with my post ~ you've got about 150 years plus of collective wisdom, and experience. Leave her the Hell alone!!! Don't call her, don't text her, don't e-mail her, don't drive by her Mom's house ~ Zlich! Nothing! Nada! Got it! Don't forget it! When it comes to women (most but not all) when it gets to this point, they've already left you mentally, emotionally, spirtually ~ and now? They've not going ~ they're gone! All that's needed at this point ~ is a mop, a bucket, and a preacher ~ and of course a divorce judge and lawyer or two! I'm telling you! If you've got a snowball's chance in Hell, leave her alone. No flowers, no cards, no jewelry. Along with my advice above! If you had been proactive before and during the relationship you especailly for no special reason or occassions you probally would have gotten an "Awwwwwww!!!" and lots of But now? You're doing nothing but buying yourself a whole lot of bitterness and resentment ~ and down right piss off! :mad: Gezz, you just don't when to quit, do you?! Re-read above advice! Go to one of the personal dating sites. Read the personals written by women. Do you see anthing that reads: I ask you? Would you want to be with someone like that? You'd best be getting your act together quick, fast and in a freaking hurry-like, or your going to lose this little gal for sure and certain. And, means "manning-the-hell up!" "Manning-up" means acknowledging you didn't know how to be married, you didn't know how to be married, that you had 1/10th of what you needed in terms of experience and knowledge when it comes to being a husband and married! (Don't beat yourself up, I was freaking clueless!) "Manning-up" means acknowledging "I screwed the Hell up! (At least your part in it all!) Its acknowledging "If its over ~ it over, and that's the way it is, and somehow, someway I've got to learn to live with that, and accept that! Just that damn plain! Just that damn simple! Because my friend ~ that's just the way it is! A lot of things in Life aren't meant to be understood, they're meant to be experienced. My personal spirtiual beliefs include that we're not just mortal beings having a spirtual experince, but spiritual beings having a mortal experience. To me? This life and world isn't anything more than a spirtual classroom. The lessons of this life? The things we experience? We'll understand once we get back to our true state as spiritual beings? In that context ~ death? Ain't nothing but a "thing" and it don't mean nothing. (Sidebar ~ there's many a book on different subjects and years of reading behind this. And time after time I come back to the teachings of J.C on it) Meanwhile, "Grandmaw was fighting off the Indians at the ranch!" My way of saying ~ getting back to you and yours. Leave her alone. Read ilmw's thread, along with psch's thread. Follow their example of working on you! And getting your azz B U S Y! You've become obsessed with her, your marriage, with winning her back ~ and no one, I mean no one likes that s***! Question? Is it so much that you want her back, or you just can't tote the note that you're no longer No.#1 in her life? For every finger you're pointing at her? You've got three pointing back at yourself! You need to be paying attention to those three, rather than the one! P.S. If I come across as hard on you? Well too sad ~ too bad! I'm a "Card Carrying" retired United States Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant, 2X's on the "streets as a DI at Parris Island. 12 Years married~ six and a half with another! Did the lying, cheating wayward spouse bit, then came the divorce, then the bankruptcy, the insane rules of the IRS (them Jokers don't play ~ they want the gold out of your teeth! They're HARD CORPS VC!) Got back out her in civilian la~la land! ("You want me to do what? Working what kind of hours? Four what kind of pay?!" Actually had one job interview where some joker asked me how much my military retirement was, so he could determine how to offer me in pay?! WTF!) "Life's tough for those that are stupid! The differnce between "stupid' and "ignorant" is that before you just didn't know better? NOW you DO! TOUGHEN UP, SUCK IT UP! DEAL WITH IT! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha..... ha ha ha
Jinnah Posted September 3, 2007 Posted September 3, 2007 Heck, listen to everyone... you got some good advice!
Toolate Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Update here: Im doing better, No more panic attacks, eating again, sleeping a bit more. But i am still in the mornings really worrying about her safety. I just worry about stuff like car wrecks, is she staying in a safe place. But i have always been this way and since my lil brother died last year im still very touchy. Was walking to wal-mart last night and started crying, i didint fight it, i just walked in crying and got my milk and bread. Im tired of hiding my emotions. Hell with it. But, one thing that is happening to me is i want to go out and be with people now, when we were together we wouldnt do anything. Ive decided to go bowling tonight and try to find some people to bowl with. And try to find a league to join. Im changing bigtime, i hope its for the better.
butterfly37 Posted September 5, 2007 Posted September 5, 2007 Toolate, to be fair to scaredoflosing, I think it's only fair that you update on your own thread. Scaredoflosing has posted his thread to gain support, knowledge and comfort for himself and you are starting to take over his thread. Just a friendly, considerate suggestion......
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