broken up, a mess, so sad

[angie16]

So after 2 wonderful years of memories and love, we are broken up.

 

i know i have been having my own issues, but i never expected this.

 

long story short, we began talking about marriage early on (he specifically). i got excited and ran with it, he cooled on it and took it back (that he didn't want to get married any time soon). I was crushed, but i still loved him and we moved in together. That was a year and a half ago.

 

6 months ago his dad passed away suddenly. they were best friends. i knew this was going to be crushing and horribe, but now we are 6 months later and he's still as sad as he was when he first heard the news. i have been trying to help him and offer to talk about constantly, but he shrugs and tells me nothing.

 

so 2 weeks ago i brought up getting married. He flipped out saying that how can he think about that now with his dad dead and his mind all over the place. i apologized, but then felt mad for having to feel bad for something that is rooted in love "i love you, thats why i want to marry YOU".

we had words and then made up.

i went away last weekend to see my friend and meet her new boyfriend. While she was away, her new BF asked me confidentially if I could help him pick out an engagement ring that she would like.

I was awestruck. i of course said yes. and i was happy for my friend.

 

when i got home (sunday) he had made dinner and was happy to see me. after we ate we watched some tv and he asked about the trip. I brought up the new bf asking for ring assistance and he lost it on me again.

 

"why do you always have to talk about getting engaged?" i am like, i am talking about my friend, you asked about my trip, thats something that happened on the trip. i was hurt and i basically suggessted that maybe i should move out and we should take a break. I didn't want too, but i just wanted to try and clear my head for a week or 2. it wasn't going to be anything permanant, i just had to get some clairty.

 

i tell him this and we spend the whole night crying and trying to work it out. the next morning we agree that i shouldh't go, and that we should both try together to get well (over his dad, and me over wanting marriage now)

 

2 days later, after still going about our daily activites (work, gym, dinner) holding hands, kissing and hugging etc, i get the bombshell.

He cam home from work yesterday and said that he can't get better if I'm here "beating up on him about marriage" and that he's sad all day about his dad, and that as for as his thoughts can take him. and that me being here he is a shell of a person because of his grief and he has to see every day how he doesn't please me or make me happy. which is ridiculous.

 

so we cried for 2 hours, i packed my things...still in shock.. and i asked him 10 times to please try and give us another chance... i am devestated. i am going back tomorrow when he's at work to get the rest of my things.

I mean this is like a total nightmare. we are so in love. thats what he kept telling me, i love you so much, i love you so much, ....but i still need some space and time.

 

so i am at a friends house just a mess. i just want to die. i love him so much, he's my everything. and he's thrown me away. i can't make his dad come back, i guess i just have to admit my love of my life has dumped me.

 

oh please advice? we texted last night and it got angry, so this morning i sent him one that just said to take care and that i would always love him.

 

i just don't know if its a break or break up? i have been advised to just give him the rest of the weekend, which breaks my heart even more because we had bbq's planned with our friends.

so sad. help please.

the reality is setting in and i feel horrible.

[curiousnycgirl]

At this point you need to move on with your life. Start making plans and keeping busy. Stop texting him - in fact DO NOT initiate any contact with him at all. If he texts/calls you then answer but keep it short and non committal.

 

You are protecting your heart now and allowing yourself to heal. You need to stop focussing on him and focus on yourself!

 

It's going to be hard, but in the end you will be stronger for the experience and fine.

 

Good luck!!!!

[marty]

i feel for you.

 

some time away from each other might not be such a bad thing. you guys are clearly in love, and it doesnt seem to be a question of one or the other not feeling the same way.

pushing anything too much right now might do alot of damage. he's obviously hurting badly from the loss of his father, and he has to deal with that in his own way.

if he knows you love him dearly, give him space and time as he asks. tell him you're there for him if he needs you. he knows where to find you.

 

loving someone sometimes means stepping back out of the way,, for them. hurts you like hell i know,, but its all you can do right now.

[Lyssa]

if he knows you love him dearly, give him space and time as he asks. tell him you're there for him if he needs you. he knows where to find you.

 

loving someone sometimes means stepping back out of the way,, for them. hurts you like hell i know,, but its all you can do right now.

 

I agree with Marty. I'm sure when his head is cleared, you'll be the first he calls...

 

Good luck!!

[Lyssa]

At this point you need to move on with your life. Start making plans and keeping busy. Stop texting him - in fact DO NOT initiate any contact with him at all. If he texts/calls you then answer but keep it short and non committal.

 

You are protecting your heart now and allowing yourself to heal. You need to stop focussing on him and focus on yourself!

 

It's going to be hard, but in the end you will be stronger for the experience and fine.

 

Good luck!!!!

 

I second that! It's a good time to catch up with your friends and family if you haven't done that in a while. Do something that makes you feel good..

[angie16]

thanks so much for your words. i just feel lost. i am online looking for a new apartment, i guess i have to just go on and not expect that he will be asking me to move back in to our place any time soon.

 

i hope he reaches out to me one day.

[Jinnah]

At this point you need to move on with your life. Start making plans and keeping busy. Stop texting him - in fact DO NOT initiate any contact with him at all. If he texts/calls you then answer but keep it short and non committal.

 

You are protecting your heart now and allowing yourself to heal. You need to stop focussing on him and focus on yourself!

 

It's going to be hard, but in the end you will be stronger for the experience and fine.

 

Good luck!!!!

 

 

Really good advice. He will never miss you if you keep calling and texting. Move on with your life and when he realizes it, I bet his tune will change. Then you will have to decide if YOU want to be with HIM. I would definitely keep it short and non committal as she said as well. Let him realize what he lost. Don't be mean or with attitude, just nonchalant and busy.

[sharp2007]

So after 2 wonderful years of memories and love, we are broken up.

 

i know i have been having my own issues, but i never expected this.

 

long story short, we began talking about marriage early on (he specifically). i got excited and ran with it, he cooled on it and took it back (that he didn't want to get married any time soon). I was crushed, but i still loved him and we moved in together. That was a year and a half ago.

 

6 months ago his dad passed away suddenly. they were best friends. i knew this was going to be crushing and horribe, but now we are 6 months later and he's still as sad as he was when he first heard the news. i have been trying to help him and offer to talk about constantly, but he shrugs and tells me nothing.

 

so 2 weeks ago i brought up getting married. He flipped out saying that how can he think about that now with his dad dead and his mind all over the place. i apologized, but then felt mad for having to feel bad for something that is rooted in love "i love you, thats why i want to marry YOU".

we had words and then made up.

i went away last weekend to see my friend and meet her new boyfriend. While she was away, her new BF asked me confidentially if I could help him pick out an engagement ring that she would like.

I was awestruck. i of course said yes. and i was happy for my friend.

 

when i got home (sunday) he had made dinner and was happy to see me. after we ate we watched some tv and he asked about the trip. I brought up the new bf asking for ring assistance and he lost it on me again.

 

"why do you always have to talk about getting engaged?" i am like, i am talking about my friend, you asked about my trip, thats something that happened on the trip. i was hurt and i basically suggessted that maybe i should move out and we should take a break. I didn't want too, but i just wanted to try and clear my head for a week or 2. it wasn't going to be anything permanant, i just had to get some clairty.

 

i tell him this and we spend the whole night crying and trying to work it out. the next morning we agree that i shouldh't go, and that we should both try together to get well (over his dad, and me over wanting marriage now)

 

2 days later, after still going about our daily activites (work, gym, dinner) holding hands, kissing and hugging etc, i get the bombshell.

He cam home from work yesterday and said that he can't get better if I'm here "beating up on him about marriage" and that he's sad all day about his dad, and that as for as his thoughts can take him. and that me being here he is a shell of a person because of his grief and he has to see every day how he doesn't please me or make me happy. which is ridiculous.

 

so we cried for 2 hours, i packed my things...still in shock.. and i asked him 10 times to please try and give us another chance... i am devestated. i am going back tomorrow when he's at work to get the rest of my things.

I mean this is like a total nightmare. we are so in love. thats what he kept telling me, i love you so much, i love you so much, ....but i still need some space and time.

 

so i am at a friends house just a mess. i just want to die. i love him so much, he's my everything. and he's thrown me away. i can't make his dad come back, i guess i just have to admit my love of my life has dumped me.

 

oh please advice? we texted last night and it got angry, so this morning i sent him one that just said to take care and that i would always love him.

 

i just don't know if its a break or break up? i have been advised to just give him the rest of the weekend, which breaks my heart even more because we had bbq's planned with our friends.

so sad. help please.

the reality is setting in and i feel horrible.

well after reading your story I feel so desperately sorry for you, as you certainly truely love this guy and shall I say he seems such a lucky man to have you..if only my ex had been alittle like you I would have been so happy..I too was in a similar situation last year,although my mother died and to honest I needed someone to love me and be there for me, a shoulder to cry on... but instead I had no one..

I'm sure he will shortly realise how much you mean to him..just try to be patient, which I know is easier said than done, but when two people are in love as you guys clearly are, life will eventually heal whats happened..take care, simon...

[angie16]

all the comments are awesome. it makes me feel better that you guys understand my situation.

i should have known better but i IM'ed him and said that i wanted to wish him well, and i asked if this was a break or a break up -- mostly so i could figure out either a short or long term apartment to find.

he said its a "break up".

so we're done. oh man. reality setting in. i still feel like I'm in a dream.

 

Here's my question though. i want to start the no contact as of right now. but does it really matter in this situation? he left. i still care about him, and think i would want to call in a week or so just to make sure he's ok.

 

do i just not to that at all and just have no contact?

[Jinnah]

Here's my question though. i want to start the no contact as of right now. but does it really matter in this situation? he left. i still care about him, and think i would want to call in a week or so just to make sure he's ok.

 

do i just not to that at all and just have no contact?

 

 

Aww, sweetie, I know it's hard but you are going to have to have absolutely no contact with him. If you keep making contact he is just going to do the jerky guy thing and think you are desperate and that you are always going to be there if he changes his mind. If there is any hope, he is going to have to realize that is not the case. Then he may change his mind. I personally would not want to be with such a jerk, but you are going to have to heal first to realize that.

 

I do feel it makes the guys less interested when they know that girl is waiting around for them, and you calling him will do nothing but scream, "I'm, waiting for you to change your mind!" Then he will run further. If he loves you, he won't let you get away, but first he has to realize that you are getting away!

[marty]

in my opinion we're being a little hard on the guy. sounds to me like he has no idea how to handle the grief of losing his father.

 

how was your relationship before the loss??

 

he's hurting right now, and that makes people do and say and act totally differently if they dont know how come to terms with things.

 

i do think NC is the only way just now. like i said before he knows where you are. just try and move on the best you can, let him do his own thing.

 

if you and him are meant to be , somewhere down the road,, it'll happen.

i believe everything happens for a reason. somewhere down the road you'll look back and see why these things happen.

 

take care

[Jinnah]

in my opinion we're being a little hard on the guy. sounds to me like he has no idea how to handle the grief of losing his father.

 

how was your relationship before the loss??

 

he's hurting right now, and that makes people do and say and act totally differently if they dont know how come to terms with things.

 

i do think NC is the only way just now. like i said before he knows where you are. just try and move on the best you can, let him do his own thing.

 

if you and him are meant to be , somewhere down the road,, it'll happen.

i believe everything happens for a reason. somewhere down the road you'll look back and see why these things happen.

 

take care

 

I do agree with this. I did think he may be acting out because he doesn't know how to deal with his huge loss. I just thought that he might cling to you more though, instead of push you out, because in doing so he would have another large loss (you and the end of the relationship), but we all react differently. He needs time to heal without being pressured and maybe he didn't feel you were giving that to him.

 

Do not make excuses to call him though, because I really do feel he will run further from all the pressure. Let him miss you.

[angie16]

well we talked and he told me what was really happening. before his father died, i met his younger brother, and i guess he didn't care for me. apparently his mother is so devestated at losing her husband of 35 years (understandibly), she wants "her two boys" to be close, and his brother couldn't do that if we were together. so he had to choose. I undertsand that blood is thicker than water. but we are so in love. we just cried for hours and moved out my things. i can't believe this is really happening. i would never think a clash in personalities with his brother would cause this much of an effect.

 

we are both devestated. i love him so much. i don't know what to do. any advice would be great. he's a 29 year old man, but i understand with his father and best friend dead, he does have to mourn him and honor his family. i can't believe after 2 years of being together and planning the rest of our lives its just done. i have lost my home and my love and my best friend. sitting at my mom's house now, i feel like I've taken 20 steps back in my life. of course happy that i have her, but just so in shock that everything i took for granted 3 days ago is gone.

 

please i need some inspriation. i could dream for a moment that he would come back, but now that i know its a family thing, i doubt that will happen, at least not for several years. and i know he may need at least a year to get over this intense grief with his father.

 

this is the most horrible thing i have ever gone through. please advice.

should i ask him to meet up in a few months when everything has settled down? or no contact and move on with my life? i just know he still lvoes me, he told me so just a few hours ago.

[Jinnah]

well we talked and he told me what was really happening. before his father died, i met his younger brother, and i guess he didn't care for me. apparently his mother is so devestated at losing her husband of 35 years (understandibly), she wants "her two boys" to be close, and his brother couldn't do that if we were together. so he had to choose. I undertsand that blood is thicker than water. but we are so in love.

 

I don't like the sounds of this. When you are in the type of relationship where you could potentially get married, shouldn't the future fiance come first, even over family? You can find someone who will put you first. Otherwise, you may get into a situation where he will always put his family over you and if one has a problem with you, it will cause a lot of tension in your marriage. At least you found out now. I know that isn't much in the way of consolation, but you will be okay, don't worry.

[curiousnycgirl]

No contact means just that - NO CONTACT. Do not plan to contact him in a day, a week, a month, etc. It is designed for you to heal. You cannot heal if you are just counting the days until you promised yourself you would call him.

 

Go through your grief, you are entitled to it - you've earned it. I know it is devastating right now - and you will just have to take it on blind faith that it will get better in time.

 

Your situation simply sucks, there is no other way to say it. However it seems absurd to me that his brother took such a strong dislike to you that he cannot be in your presence during this time of family need. Sounds extremely immature and selfish - could he possibly just be jealous of you? It is even more absurd that your b/f did not say hey - this is my girl and you need to give her a chance, or whatever.

 

That speaks volumes to me. For some reason he is allowing himself (and you) to be manipulated - and you deserve way better. You need to know and believe that! You need to go through your grief and then get angry! You have earned that too.

 

Right now focus on YOU. Do not care if he is ok - he has chosen to make that none of your business. I am willing to bet that he will call you at some point - and it is perfectly ok to take that call. Just keep it short and generic in nature. DO NOT be the one to initiate any contact.

 

So how do you focus on you? Remember what your favorite things were as a kid - why not do them? Play tennis, ride a horse, do whatever will bring a smile to your face. Reconnect and go out with your girl friends. HAVE FUN. Do not sit at home and wallow - it will not help you. Get and stay busy.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through this - as I said above, it simply sux!

[angie16]

yeah i did some soul searching yestreday and realized that i need to move on. no contact, and no romanticizing the past. he let me go. he let me leave. why would i want to be with someone that would do that to me? I guess the shock is ebbing and now the harsh and bitter reality has set in.

I have to pick up, keep moving, and find a new place to live and just take it one day at a time.

[tinke]

i can understand the mother wanting her sons close, however, she will have to do her mourning alone,(internally) as will her sons.

 

it appears that this goes much deeper. even if the brother disliked you, i don't understand the total break-up from your SO. i can see keeping things peaceful and taking his time to be with his family, but why are you now totally out of the picture?

i can see this seeping down to later discounting the marriage to please his family. he must seek their approval for his actions, so this is something to think about...he choose him. if he will not receive the blessings he needs from his family with RE: to you, there may not be much of a future. it just appears this will go much further than the mourning process.

 

he knows you care, that's all you can offer for now.

take care of you.

[angie16]

he told me that he can't mourn and heal from his father if i want marriage, because the fact the his brother and i didn't get along, he feels that his dead father would never want us to be married without us all getting along. i dunno, he is putting a lot of guilt and displaced grief on our relationship, and i am so sad, but it is over. he sent me an email this morning (i didn't write back, have to keep NC), that only said "i love you always, my angela".

it broke my heart because it sounds pretty close to "goodbye forever".

[marty]

geez, i really feel for you. what a situation. you need to get on with your own life somehow now.

 

i know i said earlier then we seemed to be a little hard on the guy, but he cant blame you or your relationship.

 

if you dont let go now, you could be in for a serious amount of long term heartache. there's always gonna be heartache,, but YOU can control how much and how quicky you get over it.

 

if it was me i'd be changing my number and blockin email etc... it sounds very cruel, especially as he is hurting so bad,, but you have to protect yourself.

 

i wish you all the very best. take care.

[Curious139]

No contact means just that - NO CONTACT. Do not plan to contact him in a day, a week, a month, etc. It is designed for you to heal. You cannot heal if you are just counting the days until you promised yourself you would call him.

 

Go through your grief, you are entitled to it - you've earned it. I know it is devastating right now - and you will just have to take it on blind faith that it will get better in time.

 

 

Right now focus on YOU. Do not care if he is ok - he has chosen to make that none of your business. I am willing to bet that he will call you at some point - and it is perfectly ok to take that call. Just keep it short and generic in nature. DO NOT be the one to initiate any contact.

 

So how do you focus on you? Remember what your favorite things were as a kid - why not do them? Play tennis, ride a horse, do whatever will bring a smile to your face. Reconnect and go out with your girl friends. HAVE FUN. Do not sit at home and wallow - it will not help you. Get and stay busy.

 

I am truly sorry you are going through this - as I said above, it simply sux!

 

I agree totally. NC is for your sake and will help you heal.

[P5186]

I haven't been on this site for ages and I had to make a new account as I forgot all my details.

 

This was the first thread I read and I feel sorry for you. I don't understand that he loves you lots but his family want each other to be close, so he finishes you. That isn't fair, surely his mum cares about his happiness more? Unless he wasn't happy?

 

He might be sad over his dad and his reaction is normal but I thought he would want someone to comfort him and not push away someone he loves. You shouldn't have kept bringing marriage up until he was ok to talk about it IMO. You should go no contact like most people have said so you can heal. If he wants you he will contact you but don't be waiting there to see if he does do that. Get on with your own life as you could miss out on so many things.

 

If he is a family man then it's going to be hard. As obviously he cares more about his family then you OR he cares more at the minute because of what has happened to his dad.

[angie16]

i am at work and a mess. we spoke 2 nights ago only because he texted me about his cousin who had a baby monday, on his dad's birthday. he was sad. he told me that he ruined everything and that he was sad, scared, and sorry. BUT, he didnt ask me to come home or ask me back.

 

we got everything hashed out in the convo, i was calm, he was crying and sobbing the whole time. i love him so much.

i know i shouldn't have kept talking about marriage, i know this, everyone told me. but he wasn't giving me straight answers and i think in the back of my head, the fact that he previous relatinoship before me was 5 years and broke off because he didnt' want to marry her had me spooked. i just wanted to hear "honey its going to happen, just give me some time". but all he would do is shrug and make faces or put a pillow over his head. so i was scared i was going to end up this way, so i kept pushing, and alas, I'm here.

 

Trying to push on. He texted last night, i didnt' reply. it just sucks becasue i want to go home to my comfortable apartment, but i can't. i am living out of a bag, staying on friend's couches. its like, my whole life is uprooted.

 

I REALLY NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD LET ME GO, BUT HE DID. Its the worst feeling in the world. The man i trusted with EVERYTHING, that i wanted to have his CHILDREN, let me go.

[curiousnycgirl]

It doesn't sound like he is too pleased with his decisions either. You need to keep doing what you are doing - looking at for yourself. You have every right to be upset, hurt, etc. Continue not initiating contact with him, and limiting the amount you respond to his reaching out to you.

 

He is either going to decide that he's made a big mistake, at which point the ball with be back in your court, and you will have to decide whether or not to resume the relationship, or he will move on.

 

At this point you still need to just work on YOU. Heal yourself. If indeed at some point he decides he wants to resume the relationship - you need to strong enough to really think rationally about whehter or not that's going to work for you. Right now you are missing what you had too much to rational about it.

 

You need to keep in mind that when the chips were down, he chose to walk away from you. He did not turn to you in his moment of need, nor did he stand by your side and say this is my girl and you (his brother) need to learn to deal with that. He just cut bait.

 

His reaction to this whole situation speaks volumes. It says to me that when the sh*t hits the fan, you will not be able to count on him. So I would seriously wonder if this is the man I would want to let back in my life. Part of no contact is giving yourself the time to heal and objectively look at the relationship to recognize what went wrong.

 

Until you do this - you will continue to be very vulnerable to his whims. Don't let him play you like that!!!! I know you love him. And in his own way he loves you - but his way enough?!

 

Please take care of yourself. Please keep posting. You are really doing great - keep it up.

 

Get your life together on your own. Find your own comfortable place to live and move forward on your own!

[marty]

yeah ,your doing great.

 

but i go back to my previous post.

 

you cant heal,or look after yourself if he continues to contact you. your doing the right thing not initiating any yourself,, but i'm sure whenever you get a txt or email or call or whatever,, there's a small part of you praying to god that this is txt,email,call,, thats gonna be the one where he comes back. i know from my own recent history... and it'll hold you back and lengthen the heartache.

 

its sounds really really cruel,,i know. but how long will this go on??? a week? month??? more???? if he wants your support,, he shouldnt have left you. i know if it was me trying to deal with something that i couldnt, the first person i would turn too is my partner, not my family,, not friends,,,, my partner,,

 

stay strong,, we're all here for you

[angie16]

This is the hardest day so far.

I AM ANGRY today.

 

I have to find an apartment in NYC. One of the most stressfull things ANYONE can do here. I am slammed with work, I am living with my mother in new jersey and had a 90 min commute today.

 

I am so mad. Its only 10am and i have already quelled the desire to text, call or email like 50 times. This is going to be HARD. I am so hurt and just pissed off.