LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 While on vacation last week, I unexpectedly met a very sweet, good-looking guy that I hit it off with right away. I met him through mutual friends on a winery trip. It was our friend's 30th birthday and they had a party at their house after the winery. He and I instantly connected and we were into each other all night. But he lives a couple hours away (which is fine) and last night we were on the phone for 3 hours; it's amazing how well we talk and how many common interests we have. Your going "And the problem is.....??" I'm nervous because I'm not very experienced in steady, serious relationships. I let him know that I've mostly only dated a**holes who don't want committments and/or don't believe in manogomy. Marty (new guy) on the other hand, keeps saying he wants a steady girlfriend and wants to get married, etc. I feel as though as I've finally hit the jackpot in a sense, like I've never come this close to thinking a guy is everything I've ever wanted. Problem is....he was married for a couple years, and just this past May she up and left him out of the blue. The reason is unknown. But our mutual friend keeps assuring me that Marty is a total sweet heart, and not the "player" type, and known for getting with and staying with just one woman. He expresses that his ex-wife broke his heart; he is 26 and acts like he's in this big hurry to get married. He claims that he has "let go" and "life goes on"....but May was only what, 4 months ago? I told him I think it's good that we are a little far a part; otherwise I'd feel like this was going way too fast already, only because a)I'm not used to a guy like this and b) we can't get too attached too quickly....I am not the type to engulf myself into a guy and just drop my friends, etc. From what he says, his wife did express that she felt he worked too much instead of putting enough time into her, so it sounds to me like she was just too attention-hungry...I don't know. Is 4 months really enough time to be over something like this? I told my mutual friend that I don't want a guy to like me only because he's looking for a space to fill. Last time I dated a guy in a similar situation, I ended up being the rebound chick, his confidence-booster. Your probably still wondering what exactly is the real problem here? Maybe I'm just nervous? Just don't know how to act since I haven't felt this way soo long?
Author LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 FYI if anyones wondering, my roommate and I finally decided we are DEFINITELY better off as just friends and any other way would just ruin us. We're too important to each other in this sense. Just wanted to make that clear-- I"m really excited about the new guy in my life!
melodymatters Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 Good deal LL ! OF COURSE I was wondering about the roomate, I am glad that seems to be resolved ONCE and for all ! As for the new guy..who know...all you can do is enjoy the moment, take it slowly, and see what happens ! But all in all, GREAT NEWS, GOOD LUCK !!!!!
Author LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 Thanks Melody Marty is actually the kind of guy that seems to live for making his woman happy, the kind I've always hoped I deserve, so I'm very pleasantly surprised!
garnet Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 he is 26 and acts like he's in this big hurry to get married. He claims that he has "let go" and "life goes on".... Major, major red flags here! Please proceed with caution! Four months is not nearly enough recovery time for a man who has been left by his wife. A major blow to anyone, and a major blow to his masculinity and self esteem as well. I speak from experience here, I dated someone who had recently been left by his wife. It turns out he was majorly on the rebound to fill the void, not to mention an emotional wreck. Please be careful and insist on taking it slow. You just met him and it's too soon to tell whether you have "hit the jackpot." I hope that you have and I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but these types of situations can be very emotionally complex. He may not even realize what his true intentions are. Good luck.
Author LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 he is 26 and acts like he's in this big hurry to get married. He claims that he has "let go" and "life goes on".... Major, major red flags here! Please proceed with caution! Four months is not nearly enough recovery time for a man who has been left by his wife. A major blow to anyone, and a major blow to his masculinity and self esteem as well. I speak from experience here, I dated someone who had recently been left by his wife. It turns out he was majorly on the rebound to fill the void, not to mention an emotional wreck. Please be careful and insist on taking it slow. You just met him and it's too soon to tell whether you have "hit the jackpot." I hope that you have and I'm not trying to rain on your parade, but these types of situations can be very emotionally complex. He may not even realize what his true intentions are. Good luck. Thanks garnet; well his self-esteem doesn't appear too damaged...he seems like a confident guy that knows he has a lot to offer. The divorce is totally final, otherwise he's refused to have any contact with her since she left. According to our mutual friends, they had the impression that his marriage was really over before it was actually "over" and that he's appeared to be doing pretty well with the whole thing. However, he already knows how I feel about all this and doesn't want to "freak me out" as he says; I'm hoping that as long as we are 2 hours away from each other that it'll keep him from feeling too attached and he wont have a choice but to really get to know me.
Kamille Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 I aboslutely second Garnet's advice. Two of the guys I dated in the last year had been kicked to the curb by the woman they thought they were going to share their life with. They both firmly held that they were over their exes, this statement becoming in itself a red flag for me now. (If a guy needs to say he is over his ex, then is he really over his ex?) Both were incredibly sensitive, and in both instances were eager to fall in love - or course, as I was the lady in service - both eager to fall in love with me. The stuff they would say and promise! incredible. The first wanted to come spend his vacations 2006 with me after knowing me a week and the other invited me to spend the summer with him at his camp after three dates. Both also pulled a Vanishing act. It hurt like hell the first time and fortunately, by the second time, I had learned my lesson. Number one went back to his ex the second she said she wanted him back and number two was destroyed when he found out his ex was engaged. I would recommand: Enjoying the moments Taking things slow. Don't sleep with this guy (if you haven't yet) until you are sure he is over his ex. Base your evaluation of the relationship on his actions and not his words (my guys had a tendency to project us in the future a lot ... They were good at making promises, not so good at following up on them). Keep in mind that relationships don't happen overnight. the good ones take awhile to build. The more unpredictable his break up was, the most likely he is of being unstable. Both these guys had no clue they were about to get kicked to the curb. And they moved really fast with me because they were feeling attracted to someone on that level for the first time since their exes. So take it slow slow slow. Ask him to take things slow. But i mean. these are two guys in my life and fortunately they are not your guy. I wish you both all the best!
Kamille Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 oh and more importantly: listen to what your gut feelings are telling you.
Author LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 thanks Kamille; since Marty lives 2 hrs. away and since I have a crazy schedule between work and nursing school, I'll be lucky to see him once or twice a month anyway; so I'd imagine that would make it hard for us to get too involved too fast; and he's already aware of my concerns regarding his recent split. I'm at least glad that we're communicating this and getting it all out on the table. I already feel like I communicate with him better than I have any other guys I've dated. I do also know I'm not his 1st interest since his divorce, so that helps I guess, to know he didn't just latch on to the 1st chick that came along. anyway thanks again!
bish Posted August 28, 2007 Posted August 28, 2007 While on vacation last week, I unexpectedly met a very sweet, good-looking guy that I hit it off with right away. I met him through mutual friends on a winery trip. It was our friend's 30th birthday and they had a party at their house after the winery. He and I instantly connected and we were into each other all night. But he lives a couple hours away (which is fine) and last night we were on the phone for 3 hours; it's amazing how well we talk and how many common interests we have. Your going "And the problem is.....??" I was just going to say...the problem is he is a nice guy..and they always finish last...as evidenced by what you say below. I'm nervous because I'm not very experienced in steady, serious relationships. I let him know that I've mostly only dated a**holes who don't want committments and/or don't believe in manogomy.
Author LoveLace Posted August 28, 2007 Author Posted August 28, 2007 I disagree bish. It isn't as though I have purposely been attracted to and played by guys I call a**holes. Marty calls himself a "hopeless romantic" which baits me right in. He's the opposite of all other guys I've dated, which is why I'm on cloud 9 right now. His type didn't use to appeal to me but after finally having enough of the B.S. with other guys, Marty is the kind I've been longing for for quite a while now....but he's not just any nice guy, there's a connection there too, at least so far. I think I'm just looking for something to be wrong with him since I haven't found anything yet, as though something is supposed to be difficult about it, instead of just being happy that I've met him. I'm just going to enjoy what I've got going for the time being. If it turns out that I'm just a void for him to fill, it wouldn't be the 1st time for me to experience that so in a way it's like, who cares? I should just have fun with it while it lasts...it does help that we have mutual friends who know him better than I, because they are assuring me that he isn't the type to have a girlfriend just to have one. But we'll see.
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