So So Sad.........

[spike7165]

Thank you for reading what may be a long post.

I have had a 2.5 year relationship at first long distance then for the last year living together with a wonderful woman. We overcame so much just to be able to live together.

My behaviour has not been good for a while, nothing too awful just arguments, stress, bad words caused by stress about my work mostly and me not getting my priorities right. She has run away to friends or a hotel a couple of times to escape and I havent truly seen what I was doing to her until now and it is maybe too late.

She just came back from what sounded like a fun and amazing holiday with a female friend and seems to have made her mind up on the plane on the way back that she doesn't like her current life and wants to change everything and top of the list is me.

Since arriving back last week we have alternated between her saying it's over and doesn't love me anymore, just as a friend, then the next day she is saying she loves me, that she cried when she went out with her friend because she missed me and still making love. It's almost half and half the days since then, half says she loves me is pretty normal and the other half trying to finish it.

To say it's a rollercoaster is an underestimate.

Things got bad again last night, she wanted to go out so we went out had a lot of fun, but something was up towards the end of the night and when we got home, in the middle of making love again she started saying she didn't love me again and getting upset.

So we both got seriously upset went back and forwards verbally for several hours with her saying that it wasn't me, I was wonderful, amazing and me pointing out that why was she still saying and acting like she loved me when she is saying she didnt.

In the end she admitted it wasnt because she didnt love me anymore she just said she had a feeling she wanted to be on her own.

At this point I was almost out the door but the thought of never seeing her again or being able to hold her or help her or see our son was too much and I kept pressing her to know what the real reason was, I told her that I couldnt just walk away from her, my family, home and work just because of a feeling.

It took hours but she eventually told me with the sun coming up that it was because of how I had behaved before, being controlling, jealous, bad words etc. She said she has tried to talk to me before but i have not been receptive to it and that I had had enough chances.

I told her that she was completely right, I had been controlling, jealous and everything else she said and I was truly sorry. I had got my priorities completely wrong and in doing that had not given her what I wanted to which was and is to make her happy.

She seemed to believe my speech that I would do anything to make her happy and was cuddling up to me and is willing to see what happens,but warned me she could change again and try to split again next week!

I am really at my wits end. I have had so much stress in my life for the last 3-4 years that in starting something with this woman I really felt I had found the one person for the rest of my life. I know she felt the same and I know as well she still loves me but as she says in her words "it has gone down a little"

I dont know what to do, I am 32 but feel like a little boy. I love her with all my heart and the thought of not being there for her to help her, support her and love her is tearing me up so much. I don't need her in that way, I don't want to control her, I love her for the right reasons which is she is the most amazing woman for so many reasons I have ever met, truly unique and without her I will be so so lost.

Can any ladies out there help me with the rollercoaster and what this all means. It scares me so much that it took me hours and hours to get to the truth because she couldnt tell me that rather than what was easy for her of saying she didnt love me. That was obviously easy to use to push me away even though it wasn't and isn't the real reason. And I know some guys will say grow some balls but I am so cut up not just because I am so scared to lose her but I cannot stop crying over what I have done to her to make her so unhappy.

I appreciate any responses, thanks!

[tanbark813]

My first thought is that she has someone waiting in the wings and she's trying to decide between fixing things with you and pursuing something new. Do you know for a fact--not some "She would never do that!" bs, I mean concrete evidence--that she went away with a female friend?

[spike7165]

Hi Yes absolutely 100% know that. We went through so much turmoil last night as well that I know it would have been 100 million times easier for her just to even lie and say there was someone else to shut me up and get me out but she didn't. It took me hours to get from her the real reason relating to my lack of support, stress etc.

[tanbark813]

Hi Yes absolutely 100% know that. We went through so much turmoil last night as well that I know it would have been 100 million times easier for her just to even lie and say there was someone else to shut me up and get me out but she didn't. It took me hours to get from her the real reason relating to my lack of support, stress etc.

 

Okay. It just seems like those could be covers for the root reason as well. Has the relationship always been a bit of a rollercoaster or is this something new? It just seems weird that she would have all these reasons for leaving but then be all loving the next day.

[spike7165]

Thanks for your reply.

We have had some probs over the last 3-4 months but I haven't recognized my part in it and done enough to change my behaviour.

Before we have worked through it, she has got out for a couple of days cleared her head and usually called me within a few hours saying how much she loves me and misses me.

What's different this time is that she has had this amazing fun holiday and come back to reality. The holiday, but not just the holiday almost only the flight back has been the change.

 

She's got low self esteem, because she thinks she is no good for me wheras she is actually very very beautiful with a wonderful heart.

I am pretty sure the real reason is the change in me from all round good guy, not blowing my trumpet but that is how she saw me to someone more like a grizzly bear, her trying to make me see that and failing before.

I think there are side issues as she has been hurt before, is scared about getting towards 40, jealous friends (we have always had a great relationship apart from the above issues) It can be a bit rollercoasterish with mood swings, one day happy another day sad. She has always been like that.

 

I know at the age of 33 that people split up, I've been there, divorced and this was my 2nd chance. Most of the time the advice seems to be just walk away, let them come back to you.

 

I look at this woman though, she is almost like a scared girl. I know she doesnt want to truly be alone in a small apartment with no father for her son. I know she does still love me although it may have diminished. I know her life will not be better without me, not boasting but with the work she will have to do it just will be an unhappier life, and I love her, I don't want her to end up like that.

 

When someone tells you on Monday, they missed you when they went out, they cry because their family, me and her son, were not at a party with her. She tells you on the same day that "she loves me...... a lot!" then the next day she says I dont love you, please go. It is very hard to accept. Especially when the real reason seems to be my bad behaviour and after holiday blues.

 

I really appreciate your response

[tanbark813]

No worries, man.

 

I look at this woman though, she is almost like a scared girl. I know she doesnt want to truly be alone in a small apartment with no father for her son. I know she does still love me although it may have diminished. I know her life will not be better without me, not boasting but with the work she will have to do it just will be an unhappier life, and I love her, I don't want her to end up like that.

 

That's understandable but you should make sure that she genuinely wants you around because she loves you and truly wants to be with you, not because it lowers her bills and provides her with a babysitter when she hits up parties.

 

Have you told her you acknowledge your own shortcomings and are working on them? If not, you should. The rollercoaster aspect also is obviously not going to be beneficial for either of you. Maybe you should sit down with her and agree that it can't go back and forth between her loving you or not loving you. Fixing the relationship needs to be something you both strive for. You could even phrase it that if you're going to work on things on your end you'll need her help.

 

Personally, if I were you, the next time she said she doesn't love you I would just call her on it and end things. If she then changes her mind then only agree to come back if she understands that the next time she says it's over it really will be. But you sound like that might be too harsh a thing for you to want to do.

[spike7165]

Your words make a lot of sense!

It's not to do with bills & babysitters though of course I do make it easier. She just sat there last night repeating what a friend had said and what she said herself which was basically that she knew she was going to end up 40, single, unhappy, broke etc.

I know which is what is making me keep crying, that I have let her down so badly. I haven't slept with any one else or done anything in that category but I have slowly diminished her respect for me and I haven't done enough to support her. Not because I lost some love but because I lost my way.

I did tell her that it was my fault, I was sorry, I have acknowledged all of my shortcomings and told her I was sorry it was late. That I have changed and my priorities were wrong and now they are right.

Once she had told me the reasons and I responded with the sentences just above, she almost melted or at least thawed a little and was open to me proving to her I had changed. My admission changed her attitude. She also changed to saying her love for me had decreased a little instead of the earlier drunk argument statement of I don't love you anymore.

I do think she wants a great relationship with me if she could have it, but she is tired of my ****.

I am one of these guys that is a strong believer that if you truly love someone and you can see it is not the right thing to do for either of you to split up then you should fight as bloody hard as you can. Especially when you know that the woman you still love could end up in life's dustbin.

She has often told me I was her last chance, she was hurt badly before as well and I know she feels like that.

I know what you are saying about going if she says I dont love you, I was so close last night I literally had a foot out of the door, but I went back because I just couldn't walk away from something where love still existed and I didnt know the reason and I'm glad I did because she would never have partially opened up to me if I didnt

I'm not sure if a small part of her, even though sometimes she is trying to push me away feels like she needs to test me. She has often said when angry that she wants someone to just suck it up and ignore her because she is not talking sense, and although what she is saying is serious I wonder whether part of her wants me to fight for her love....or maybe thats wishful thinking.

Aghhh.....why is this so hard!

[spike7165]

Forgot to add as well, that unfortunately due to my situation a break with her and saying ok fine let's end it, means losing my business, my money, my home, my family, her and her son as well as going 6500 miles back to my own country.

Break ups are hard on everyone, but some have a glimmer of hope after a split or NC that they will see their ex again, they at least live in the same country. Most have the same family and same job and sometimes the same home. I get nothing and I just cannot go back to having nothing for the 2nd time in 3 years. At 32 I feel like 62, I'm tired. So tired.