He dumped me because I'm not a musician

[sedgwick]

The story:

 

1. He supports himself as a bass player in an old-time novelty jugband. He's 6'2" and 125 lbs. Rapidly balding. Laughs like a hyena. Nearsighted. Way way hot to me but definitely the guy all my friends questioned me on -- like, "You like HIM?" Then they met him and realized we were perfect for each other -- as did his friends.

 

2. I am a heavily tattooed bellydancer, have modeled for Suicide Girls, all that silly stuff. Five weeks ago -- a week before he broke up with me -- I recognized my life dream in the form of a book deal with a major publisher, to write a memoir about becoming a tattooed lady. This is what I have wanted all my life. This, and getting into my dance company, are the most important things that have ever happened to me. I am not someone without a life and I NEVER acted like a needy girlfriend with him.

 

3. Things were incredible with my ex. We were together for a year. Granted, eight months out of that year he was on the road touring, but when we were together, it was like nothing I've ever felt before. I fell in love with him the minute I saw him. I did EVERYTHING I could to be the best girlfriend I'd ever been to anyone (incidentally, he's 31 and I'm 36.) I constantly knitted him things (including a cashmere scarf which he hung on a nail and never wore, but he did wear the hat and gloves, and asked me to sew the knitted fish onto his bass case.)

 

4. As the summer approached -- big touring season for him -- he became more and more freaked out and distant. In early June, he tried to break up with me, stating as his reason that he thought maybe he could be with a girl who wasn't an old-time fiddle player, but he just didn't know if he really could. Yes, that's right -- writer and bellydancer = not as good as hillbilly musician.

 

5. I talked him out of it and everything went back to being just beautiful and amazing. He was in town off and on, on short breaks from the tour, and when he was here we were madly in love -- or so I thought. On July 16, he left for three months.

 

6. The night before he left, we had a really beautiful time together. We went to a show and he introduced me to everyone there as his girlfriend, had his arm around me all night. Came home, beautiful crazy sex as always, told me he loved me as I was falling asleep. The next morning we went to breakfast, and I mentioned meeting up with him on the road, as he'd asked me at the beginning of the summer if I'd like to do, and he said, "Uh, yeah, we need to talk about that." Long story short, he told me, "It's the old-time musician thing." He said he just really couldn't be with a girl who wasn't an old-time fiddle player. Finished his breakfast while I cried into mine. Let me pay half the bill.

 

7. Came back to my house to get his stuff and broke down sobbing. I said, "Is it just that you don't love me? Are you just not that into me?" He said, "No, I love you, you're amazing, I'm in love with you, I'm still attracted to you, but I'm about to be gone for a long time and I'm a mess." This is true. He is so obsessed with square dance music that he sleeps about four hours a night and lives on coffee and cigarettes. He is literally emaciated -- I can now feel his teeth through his cheeks and his spine through his belly. He falls asleep if he leans against a wall. But he absolutely cannot stop playing or talking about music. It's his whole entire life. I was the one thing in his life that wasn't about music, and as such, I was expendable.

 

8. This guy has HORRIBLE communication skills. Many of my friends have theorized that he has Asperger's Syndrome, but I don't want to pathologize. He just comes off as really, really clueless about how human beings work. We ended up having sex right after he dumped me (I know, I know) and the whole time we were just crying all over each other and kissing and holding onto each other for dear life. Then he said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." Because, y'know, writing and dancing don't mean anything, because they're not hillbilly music (note that for as long as we were together, he was always telling me how much what I did amazed him, and he was very supportive up until the last second when suddenly I just wasn't a musician.)

 

9. A few hours after he dumped me, he went on the road for three months. I didn't hear from him for a few days, and then he started sending me these text messages that sounded like something you'd send to your aunt: "Greetings from Michigan! How's the book coming along?" and "I'm in Ohio! We're going camping! How are you?" I was just astonished that he'd been able to go from a serious, year-long relationship to talking to me like I was his elderly relative, seemingly overnight. One week after he dumped me, he called me, sounding all chipper, "just to see how you are." I said, "I will accept one further message from you, and that's the one where you tell me you want me back." He said, "Okay," and I hung up on him. This was three weeks ago.

 

10. One week later, I caved and sent him a text saying we could talk if he wanted. That was all it said.

 

11. He called me this past Sunday. It has been a month today since the breakup, since we've seen each other. We talked for an hour. He told me he loved me and there was nobody else. Apparently at a music festival last week a girl was flirting with him and he turned her down. (This is a guy who went out with me for three months before he'd sleep with me, because he had to be sure he was "in love.") It was a decent conversation, in which we both agreed that we were still in love with each other, still attracted to each other, and, unfortunately, geographically far away from each other. The possibility of getting back together in November was discussed. He asked if he could call me again and I said yes. He said he just felt like he had to go off and really wholeheartedly chase his dream for a while. I, of course, feel this way too; I plan to run off to Mexico next month to write my book.

 

11. Now, though, I'm just sitting here wondering why -- if he loves me and there's nobody else -- he can't just call me on a regular basis and let me come meet up with him for a couple of days on the road. Is this just way too much to ask after you've been with someone for a year?

 

All our friends seem to think he's just being an idiot and we can work through this. But right after he slept with me for the last time, he said, "I think sex is to you what music is to me." Because, y'know, it certainly couldn't be dance or writing. Those things are obviously second in importance to hillbilly music, which is the height of human achievement. This is a guy who once said to me, "In a perfect world, I'd have a fiddle in one ear and a banjo in the other all the time. It pisses me off that I have to eat and sleep and drive and stuff." Anyway, that might be the most offensive thing anyone has ever said to me, and when we talked, I called him on it. He said he didn't realize that was a hurtful thing to say, and that of course he loves and respects what I do.

 

Ugh...this hurts so, so badly...how could he just throw me away like that the morning he left? Why couldn't we, at the very least, have talked about it the night before, when he was busy being all in love with me? And how do i not sit here driving myself crazy, hating him for doing this to me when I have a book to write, counting down the minutes for the next three months? I'm really not leaving my apartment anymore except to dance. I can't help feeling, still, like nothing I do has any value because it's not music.

[norajane]

So this is what he actually said a few times:

He said he just really couldn't be with a girl who wasn't an old-time fiddle player

 

And this is how YOU are interpreting it:

Yes, that's right -- writer and bellydancer = not as good as hillbilly musician.

 

Every time he says he can't be with you because you aren't a musician, you make the same sarcastic remarks. You even went this far:

Those things [belly dancing and writing] are obviously second in importance to hillbilly music, which is the height of human achievement.

 

Now maybe you didn't say those things to him, but if you did, I can see how he'd wonder if you two were right for each other. Your sarcasm doesn't show respect for his hillbilly music, so maybe he can tell that you don't particularly have a high opinion of what he does.

 

Or maybe you're just being defensive and are making fun of it here, though you are supportive in person.

 

In any case, I think you are misinterpreting what he is saying. HE never said that what you do isn't good enough, or that what he does is more important than what you do. What he has said is the he doesn't think he can be with someone who doesn't do what he does. Him saying that is NOT the same as disparaging what you do!

 

For example, I don't think I could really be with and commit to a guy who is a musician. Not because I don't think music is important, but because I would want someone who is in town and with me regularly. Nor could I be with a guy who doesn't read much. I love to read, it's a passion, and I want someone in my life who shares that passion with me so we can discuss and analyze what we read, plus he'll never think I'm doing 'nothing' when I am BUSY reading. It's a mindset that I need my lover to understand and share.

 

I think he's saying he needs someone in his life who shares that same passion he does, and not that his passion is better than yours, or that your passions are inconsequential.

 

I can't help feeling, still, like nothing I do has any value because it's not music.

This is YOUR feeling. You are putting that spin on it. He didn't say that to you. So don't let your hurt feelings make you feel small. Enjoy your passions and find someone who shares them! Don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting, and who knows, it sounds like he may still come around at some point. But don't wait for that. Live your life.

[sedgwick]

All the sarcasm is definitely post-breakup. I met him because I love the kind of music he plays. When I say that what I do is not as good as what he does, I really mean it. I can only dream of being as talented and worthwhile as he is.

 

I guess I just want to know why, if he knew that he very specifically needed to be with a girl who played a very specific instrument in a very specific genre, he told me he was ever in love with me in the first place. I guess he gave me a shot but in the end I just wasn't good enough.

 

So you don't think we'll ever get back together? You think it's a lost cause since I'm not a fiddle player?

[funkybassplayer]

im the opposite, im a pro bassist, and i would'nt like a girl muso for a g/f as youd just talk shop all the time! for me its good to talk about something other than music !!

[annabelle75]

Ok ... deep breath .... He's a Jerk !!!

 

All of his "passion for music" sounds to me like a man that is just extremely self-involved with a touch of OCD.

[norajane]

All the sarcasm is definitely post-breakup. I met him because I love the kind of music he plays. When I say that what I do is not as good as what he does, I really mean it. I can only dream of being as talented and worthwhile as he is.

 

I guess I just want to know why, if he knew that he very specifically needed to be with a girl who played a very specific instrument in a very specific genre, he told me he was ever in love with me in the first place. I guess he gave me a shot but in the end I just wasn't good enough.

 

So you don't think we'll ever get back together? You think it's a lost cause since I'm not a fiddle player?

 

He may have liked you so much that he wanted to give it a try even though he knew he really wanted a musician in his life. And I'm sure he did fall in love with you...but his true love is his music.

 

I don't know if you'll get back together. I think it's a longshot - he sounds obsessed.

[funkybassplayer]

ill speak from exp. Musos are very hard to date, as i have always found that at first g/f love the fact your on stage and stuff, but after a while it pisses them off, as they get jelous, and also all the weekends are taken up, and as much as i loved the ex, i love my gigs as much, or maybe more! and i think its true that only a musician would understand a musician cos they understand the commitment that you have to have to keep on top for live work etc. Theres alot of good people out there and you have to stay on the ball, and a woman may find that after a while practiceing at home, and gigging at the weekends and the lifestyle of a muso does not fit with the norm of 9-5, and dont ever ask a muso to choose between his music and his woman!!

I dont know many muo s who have the normal life, as we have to have the buzz of a live crowd, and that will always be a priority. I know so many musos that are single cos women just find them so hard to be with. The amount of pressure my ex put me under to call her from gigs was jusr crazy, and she could not understand that i just wanted to chill in my break rather than call her! hmmmm i just answerd a question there!!!

[sedgwick]

I never had any problem with him being a musician, being onstage, etc. I mean, hell, I'm a dancer. What kind of person would I be if I had a problem with that? Everything was really just unbelievably sweet and wonderful right up until he had to leave for the summer, and then he just cut me loose.

 

We have so much in common it's scary. We, and many who know us, have joked that we're twins. I am the girl who wanted to sit and watch him take apart Victrolas. I am the girl who helped him unload the van and carry stuff up to his 5th-floor walkup more times than I can count. It was a beautiful, sweet, charmed relationship. I have never been in a relationship where I fell more and more in love every day, but this one, I did. I was just absolutely certain this was it. He was kind and caring and attentive and the best partner I ever had. Yes, he has bad communication skills. Yes, he is OBSESSED beyond anything I have ever seen. But I love him. I really do. I want to just say, oh, he's a jerk, whatever. But the thing is that he's NOT. He's the nice guy. He's the one that made me say, "Wow, I finally, finally fell for the nice guy!"

 

We would sit up on the phone for hours talking about Victrolas and Super 8 projectors and how good they smelled and the parts we'd ordered off eBay, and he'd say, "I can't believe I have a girlfriend who wants to talk about this stuff with me."

 

When we talked on Sunday, he made some comment about staying in NYC for one more year and then moving away. I said, "When you say things like that, can you see me with you?" He said, "Absolutely. You think I want to run away by myself?"

 

He *was* the one who called me backstage from his gigs. He was perfect. I loved him with my whole heart. I still do. I will never love anyone else. But I can't sit around waiting until November to see if he comes back to me. I have to have a draft of my book in by then. Isn't it crazy how I went from being the happiest girl in the world to the saddest in, like, one week?