chill chic Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Ok...this guy that I've posted about numerous times in the past, came back into the picture after I had pretty much gotten over him. The last thread I posted about him was about a drunk dial that happened back in late March. I hadn't contacted him since then, and I was pretty proud of myself since I was head over heels for him. I thought, if anything, if he wanted to get in contact with me again, he would call. Well...he just called me (July 20) after about 4 months of no contact. I answered, it was later on that night and we talked for quite awhile. He told me that he wanted me to go with him to a baseball game & spend the weekend with him. He's about 4 hours away by drive, but I knew I couldn't do it because it was short notice. But I told him maybe. So anyway, we kept talking about what we've been up to, and I asked him if he was still with that gf he was with when I last talked to him. He said "no we broke up" I asked why, and he said "because she wasn't as cool as you" the he told me that he was looking for a job opening back here again (where I live now and where he used to live for 2 years, he's now living in his hometown) I was surprised when he said that, and said that would be great because I missed him. He said the same, and then he said "why do you want me to marry you?" which caught me off guard because I didn't think he'd ever say something so intimate before. Then after we talked a lil more, we hung up and he said he'd give me a wake up call if I did want to see him over the weekend. He did the next morning, but I told him I wouldn't make it in time for the game, and then he said that there would be plenty of more games that we could go to. So I was confused by that, because now I'm thinking he's being somewhat serious about being with me again. I called him last Monday about getting tickets for a game up here with his favorite team that's playing my home team, for his bday, and told him to call me back if he did, but he hasn't yet, not unusual, but why would he go through all that and say all that? What are his real intentions after all that we've been through? If you would like to read my old threads, I'll paste them below so you can have an idea of where I'm coming from on this. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t115628/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t99914/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101558/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107613/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t107994/
spookie Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 I called him last Monday about getting tickets for a game up here with his favorite team that's playing my home team, for his bday, and told him to call me back if he did, but he hasn't yet, not unusual, but why would he go through all that and say all that? What are his real intentions after all that we've been through? I've followed your threads and in my opinion his "real intentions" with the phone call was to double check that he still has you on a string. It wouldn't be the first time he's done something like this... and the fact that he hasn't bothered to return your phone call in 2 days just confirms that he hasn't changed one bit, nor changed his mind about what he wants from you (which is nothing serious). Someone who cared about you, respected you, hell - even just liked you, would not have treated you the way he has in the past. Someone feeling remorse for having lost you would be trying a lot harder to get you back. He'd start by answering your calls. This guy sounds like a manipulative jerk. You, on the other hand, sound like a really sweet, REALLY naive girl. You seem to be able to find the good in everyone, and while that is positive quality to have that one day someone worth your time will appreciate, you're hurting yourself by trusting people who should not be trusted. Next time this guy calls, either don't pick up or tell him off. Tell him you aren't friends with selfish people who disrespect you with their actions. Then, don't rethink what you did. The way he treated you may not be that big a deal in the greater scheme of things, nor does it automatically make him an evil person - but as far as YOUR relationship with HIM is concerned - in my opinion he has long ago crossed a line beyond which there is no return. You shouldn't forgive him, not only because he will do it all again, but because it just isn't healthy to surround yourself with people who will disrespect you.
Author chill chic Posted August 2, 2007 Author Posted August 2, 2007 Thanks spookie, and thanks for keeping track of what's been going on since day one. It's true when you say he just wanted to see if I'm still on that string of his. I feel like an ass for going along with it too And now I could literally just kick myself for being nice or even calling him or emailing him about a damn bday present. I AM too nice and sometimes that IS my downfall. But like you said, hopefully I'll meet someone who truely appreciates my kindness and won't take advantage of me. Well since I did call him, left a message and emailed him those nice things that I said, I can't take it back, but how do make him think that I'm not going to put up with this again, after now he might think I'm being naive again?
daphne Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 Chill, 2 things are happening here. You've moved on, and he's lonely and looking for reassurance. I remember you from before, and honestly this guy isn't a keeper. I don't need to reread the threads to be certain. I just remember thinking that the sooner you get over this guy, the better for you to find someone more deserving. Don't let the thought that there isn't anyone better in the picture drive you back to a dead end. He can only string you along if you let him. Time for him to get a wake up call. Time for you to get a backbone.
spookie Posted August 2, 2007 Posted August 2, 2007 but how do make him think that I'm not going to put up with this again, after now he might think I'm being naive again? Screw him and what he thinks. He sounds like an arrogant a$$, so he likely already has his mind made up about you, himself, and everyone else... and I doubt you are going to be able to change it. He doesn't respect you, so he isn't going to listen. He doesn't respect you because not because of anything bad that you did, or any negative quality that you have, but because he doesn't respect his own behavior, and YOU are willing to put up with it. It's screwed up, but there's nothing you can do about that. Besides, why would you want to spend the effort? What has he done to deserve your time and your feelings? If you have too much of both, give it to someone more deserving: yourself, some child you know, the sick or homeless. What you really need to do right now is stop thinking about guys (esp. this guy) and what they think, and start thinking about YOURSELF. I know it feels like you need some kind of closure with this guy, to have the final word, put him in his place, etc. ... but honestly, closure is something you give yourself. You need to tell yourself that you are done with him and everyone else who doesn't have your best interests at heart...and you need to believe that. When you do, you'll realize life is too short to waste any time on someone like him.
Author chill chic Posted August 6, 2007 Author Posted August 6, 2007 my question is...why would he do that? and why would he say something about marriage? after those 4 months of me not contacting him, did he think he lost me so he came back in the picture again or to even resort to talking about marriage? and now he's back to his disappearing act, I don't get it!!! what does he really want with me? I think he might think it was a mistake for leaving so hopefully he's having a VERY hard time and kicking himself in the a**.
jcster Posted August 7, 2007 Posted August 7, 2007 what does he really want with me? I think he's looking for an ego stroke. He's broken up with his girlfriend - maybe he broke up with her - but by how he's acting, I'd say she broke up with him. He's alone, and his birthday is coming up....who does he call? That nice girl, that will make him feel better. The marriage talk? He's going over the top to butter you up. Pure, manipulative, bullsh*t.
Author chill chic Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 well the latest up date on this particular guy (my longtime fwb) is he called me a week ago Tuesday to talk and told me that he went to Vegas, and volunteered the fact that he didn't hook up with anyone or didn't flirt or anything, like he was trying to tell me that he was a "good" boy, even though we're not exclusive, or yet said anyway. because before when we were together, we'd both boast about this guy or girl flirting with us, just stupid game playing stuff. then he told me that he wants me to go to Vegas with him early next spring, huh he's never really been like that before, like suggesting trips, besides that recent one to chicago that I wasn't able to go to. so we talked for awhile, then hung up because he was on the road and his phone was dying. so..in a sense it would've been my turn to call him, which I was planning to yesterday since it was his bday. well to my surprise he called me in the afternoon yesterday, and I was like hey! I'm supposed to call YOU on your bday, just joking with him. So we talked for awhile, and then I said I wanted to see him soon, so we're going to plan a trip to meet halfway and spend the weekend together. then since I had to get back to work, I told him I'd call him later that night. So I did, but it was kinda late because I forgot that he's an hour ahead of me now. but he answered! I'm sorta impressed because he calls me and answers his phone ALOT more now. so we talked for a lil while again before he went to bed. everything good so far. anyway...I have myspace, and mine is set at private. out of curiousity I looked up his email address to see if he had one himself. well he just got his a month ago, but he only has 2 friends, like one being Tom but I doubt he'll use it, because he doesn't even have a pic up or anything. BUT I can tell when he logs in, AND he uses his work email just like I do, and I can tell he looks at mine, right when he logs in, thinking he looked up my work email to see if I had one. anyway, long story short, he has friends in Michigan and sure enough, I had this feeling, that this guy, his age, from the same town he went to school at, tried to add me lastnight. so I sent him a message, saying I don't add people I don't know, he wrote back trying to be flirty or saying it was by accident so I'd add him, but NOPE I knew something was up. like my guy wants his friend to spy on me or something. that's just my hunch. but hmmm...he's getting more and more aggressively approaching me, and why would he waste his time if he was just in it for sex anymore? he's almost like a changed man since we've been seperated.
Author chill chic Posted September 12, 2007 Author Posted September 12, 2007 wait nevermind about the myspace part, I just found out that particular person was from one of my friend's page so nevermind he wasn't spying BUT how can I tell if he's genuinely interested, it seems like it so far with his continious contact and words, so I'll just wait and see, and be patient I guess.
Kamille Posted September 12, 2007 Posted September 12, 2007 wait nevermind about the myspace part, I just found out that particular person was from one of my friend's page so nevermind he wasn't spying BUT how can I tell if he's genuinely interested, it seems like it so far with his continious contact and words, so I'll just wait and see, and be patient I guess. Yeah, I've said before and I'll say it again: Guys are straightfoward. It's the actions they want you to know about that count, not what you think is going on in his head or whether or not you think he is trying to spy on you. First of, good thing the whole myspace thing isn't a spying conspiracy because that would just be very immature of him. Just because a guy shows interest doesn't mean you have to go rushing back to him. You seem to respond too much to interest chill chic, yet you describe yourself as someone who attracts too much of the wrong kind of attention. You shouldn't be spending your time gaging a man's interest for you. Of course they're interested! You, of all people here, need to learn to protect yourself. be more selective. know you're a prize. Protect yourself until you are truly convinced this guy is the one. The right guy for you will have to prove beyond a doubt that he is worthy of your trust. And you know, the question: "why do you want to marry me"? Chill Chic!!! Come on! He just told you he KNOWS he has you on a string. Clear indication that he needs an ego stroke above all. I would have ended the call right then and there. Now, the weekend thing... You guys are meeting halfway? And spending the weekend together??? Too available. I hope you are each renting your own rooms wherever you are meeting. Plus, with the history you had with this guy, I would have taken nothing less then him making the whole trip to see me as proof of genuine interest.
oppath Posted September 13, 2007 Posted September 13, 2007 CC, you still analyze too much. You have a history with this FWB. As you continue contact with him, watch for him to say things like "I really enjoy talking to you; I miss you; I can't wait to see you." Keep your eyes open. Don't excuse any behavior. Hell, be upfront, and ask what his intentions are. You can always say "we had our fwb situation in the past, but it always seemed there was something more there, but logistics where in the way. How do you feel about that?" Few men, even snakes, will say "I agree, all the chemistry is there and I think a relationship is possible" unless they truly feel that way. I was in this situation recently (though we rekindled a friendship, not a FWB), and she asked me something along those lines, and I wholeheartedly agreed that there has always been a romantic connection there, and I wished I hadn't made excuses (logistics) and pursued it earlier. Men do lie. We are pigs. But few would lie that absolutely. Since you are looking for and hopeful for a boyfriend, anything less than "I agree, and I'd like to date you when I get into your town" should be dismissed. Don't play the flirtation game with someone who is not a potential boyfriend.
Author chill chic Posted September 20, 2007 Author Posted September 20, 2007 Well he's still been keeping in touch almost everyday, and now we are going to Chicago to meet up (it's halfway between us) and we'll be spending the weekend there. It's just odd that he's showing me more attention now, and I think it's because he knew what he had and can't get the same connection with anyone else. I'm the same way, I've always had him in the back of my mind when out with other guys, I'd even mention him to them! So I know we have some sorta of connection, it's just how serious he wants to be with me, I have yet to find out, but I'm thinking I soon will since we'll be seeing each other. Maybe he thinks he's at a point in his life where he wants to settle down, I'm not sure, he is 33, not that it means anything, but he is getting older.
whichwayisup Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 You need to go back and read all your older posts. Time will tell, but I honestly don't think anything has changed. You're setting yourself up for a big fall, sadly..........
amber1 Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Wait a minute here, what if the guy HAS decided to give something with her a chance for real? All I can say, chill chic, is pay attention and make sure that if there are red flags this time around, you are sure to notice them and get out of the relationship for good. Be very cautious with this guy.
Kamille Posted September 21, 2007 Posted September 21, 2007 Well he's still been keeping in touch almost everyday, and now we are going to Chicago to meet up (it's halfway between us) and we'll be spending the weekend there. It's just odd that he's showing me more attention now, and I think it's because he knew what he had and can't get the same connection with anyone else. I'm the same way, I've always had him in the back of my mind when out with other guys, I'd even mention him to them! So I know we have some sorta of connection, it's just how serious he wants to be with me, I have yet to find out, but I'm thinking I soon will since we'll be seeing each other. Maybe he thinks he's at a point in his life where he wants to settle down, I'm not sure, he is 33, not that it means anything, but he is getting older. CC, you're over-analysing again. You are trying to put intentions in his mind based on the outcome that you want: a relationship. It is good that you know what you want. BUT: Don't let that cloud your perception of his actions. Remember, you get to decide how he treats you. It isn't all about how serious he wants things to be with you, to quote your words. It is about what YOU want and how YOU want him to treat you, connection or no connection. And if he doesn't act accordingly, it is way better to realize it now then in a few months. I think your desire to find yourself in a relationship overnight is one of the things clouding your judgement. Take your time. Enjoy the weekend, but don't feel it needs to be a big conclusion. See it more as you two getting to know each other some more. As an opportunity for him to get to know the new, confident you. The Chill Chic who can take of herself in a relationship and who knows what she wants and who won't settle for less. Have fun! Respect your boundaries and avoid feeling like you have to convince him of anything. Ok? You don't. Plus, given you guys's history, there is no need for you to rush into anything. If anything, you should be careful not to rush into anything. In your shoes, I would probably tel him, most confidently, that I see potential between the two of us, that I think we have a great connection and that I was hoping we could take things slow to get to figure out if there is something deeper between us. Now - if he is looking for something serious, seeing you condifent, realistic and grounded WILL ENCHANT HIM. He will be happy to see that you're maturing into someone to be taken seriously. Someone he can count on to build something serious with. If he isn't looking for something serious, he might be thrown for a loop. IF he is, then you have your answer. He's not boyfriend material and nothing you do or say will change that fact. You have to be the one to have the strenght to impose your boundaries. Have a great weekend! Have fun. See this as a chance for you to explore the power of the new Chill Chic. The woman who knows she has everything to offer but who will only offer it to a man worthy of her.
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