Is there anyone I haven't ruined????

[lost4ever]

My life in a nut shell; I am married to a wonderful man, he works hard, he is so fun to be with, he is complete hottie and he loves me to no end. I married him 5 years ago. Last year, in May we had a huge fight (one of very, very few) anyway, I was heart broken over the things he said, (by the way, I did tell a white lie,) but the things he said crushed me, I left the house to live with my parents. A few weeks later, at an after work party, I became really intoxicated and slept with an mm from work. (No, this mm and I did not talk before, there was no EA before). The next morning I was extremely embarrassed, this is a man that is dis-liked by everyone, very rude, very arrogant, the worst part, all I could think was how he was going to tell everyone we hooked up; my plan, to get him to like me enough he wouldn’t tell. Dumb I know!

 

After 3 months I am still not back with my husband, he is a total mess, I am still angry at him, and don’t know if I want to get a divorce or not, and still having a very casual (talk every 4 days, see each other for a night every 2 weeks) sex only affair. My husband begs me to come back for one month to see if I could forgive him, I say yes, and for some dumb reason I don’t end the affair.

 

OK trying to shorten this up, MM falls in love with me, I say no you can’t leave your wife for me, you can leave her, and we can get to know each other better, but not “replacing”. My husband and I separate again, my MM begs me not to go back to H (though still with his wife) I do go back to H, and still with MM.

 

I live with husband and somewhere along the way, I fall in love with MM, he falls out of love. I finally wake up break up with MM, to focus on H and relationship, the guilt kills me, I tell him of affair.

 

He is beyond crushed; I never imagined it would be this painful for him. I don’t know why I didn’t know it would be this painful, maybe because I never seen the aftermath of divorce, maybe I really didn’t think anyone could love me that much, maybe I’m such an evil person, I can’t fathom how anyone can love some one that much.

 

I can not stand myself, watching that wonderful man go through so much pain, is too much. All I want is to help him get on with his life to be happy. There has been NC with MM, my husband does not believe he can forgive or forget, and I don’t believe I want him to, I feel if I did this to him, I deserve to loose him. I don’t want the mm (don’t think he wants me neither), I don’t want to seek revenge and tell the MM’s wife (my husband says he will tell, I am still trying to talk him out of it) I don’t want to be the cause of another persons pain, I want to help heal what I did and that is it. I am not placing blame on anyone, I am not trying to not “own up” to what I did, I know I am a horrible, slut, whore, home wrecker and deserve to go to hell very slowly....I guess I needed to let it out to someone, maybe I just need to say, If anyone seen what I have seen, I don’t think anybody would cheat, ever! I knew I would hurt people, I didn’t know I would ruin people…I’m so sorry!

[bish]

I can not stand myself, watching that wonderful man go through so much pain, is too much. All I want is to help him get on with his life to be happy.

 

Then you divorce him. You betrayed him in the worst way. He will NEVER get visions out of his head of you bedding down another man....NEVER.

So divorce him so he can move on...even if he says it isn't what he wants, he will NEVER trust you again 100%. And all this because you had a very rare fight?

 

There has been NC with MM, my husband does not believe he can forgive or forget, and I don’t believe I want him to, I feel if I did this to him, I deserve to loose him.

 

You got that right, because the only reason you are crawling back to your husband is because the MM fell out of love. So your husband played 2nd fiddle to a total jerk.

 

I don’t want the mm (don’t think he wants me neither)

 

Here is the weird part...you said this MM is a total jerk, yet you kept on with an affair with him beyond the drunk boinking that first time.

You risk your marriage over a jerk and an argument. I just don't get it.

 

If anyone seen what I have seen, I don’t think anybody would cheat, ever!

 

Nah, cheaters are a selfish breed. If yall can do it once, you can do it again.

 

I knew I would hurt people, I didn’t know I would ruin people…I’m so sorry!

 

Well, I feel that you are sorry. So I think you have beat on yourself already, so no sense in adding.

 

So what do you do now? With my own personal experience, you have to divorce. Your H may say he wants to keep the M going, but he will get angry quite often. Anytime you have an argument, your cheating will be thrown in your face....and deservedly so, but he shouldn't be sentenced to a life of living with someone that he will have resentment for from time to time...no matter if he says staying with you is what he wants. I said I wanted to stay with my W....but the more time went on, the more I resented her for what she did....now I simply downright hate her.

So we are ending it and I will be finding somene decent...if there is such a thing.

[lost4ever]

Thank you for the comment, it helps even more that it comes from a man. I do not think of the mm as a jerk, and no I didn't just end it because he fell out of love with me. I wouldn't throw away my relationship for a jerk, and yes i will divorce my H for the same reasons you stated, he does deserves someone better than me. What advice I do need (and being a man that went through this).

1. What do I need to do to make him get over this, and not beat himself up (he is REALLY bad right now)

2. I really do not want him to tell the MM's wife, I am not saying this for selfish reasons, I am saying this because I know my husband, and he wouldn't ever want to hurt another the same way I hurt him, I feel this is what will happen (maybe even worse) if my H tells MM's wife, not MM. Do I leave him alone to make this decision, or do I really tell him how it feels?

 

I am trying to do everything to ease the pain on him, I read books all the time on what he feels, and what I should say and do to make him get on with his life (though it didn't do any good b/c everything I read said to tell him the whole truth) I can say, that was a big mistake, I should have kept my damn mouth shut!

[annabelle75]

No no no ......... you're not evil and you don't deserve to go to hell. Sounds like your marriage went a little sour and instead of dealing with it the way you should of, you took the "bull in the china shop" and did alot of damage. It doesn't make you evil, just flawed and human. Some times relationships don't work out, and some times we do alot of damage instead ending them as we should. I've been there too and know how you feel.

 

First off you need to know that your H's pain will lessen over time. He is going to be OK. You've been honest with him and that is all you can continue to do now. It will take time, but he will get through this and so will you. You need to forget about what you think you deserve right now and ask your self, "do I want to stay in my marriage?" If the answer is really "yes" than it is possible to make this work. If the answer is "no" then we need to work on your exit strategy. Being honest with your feelings and what you want is very important right now. When you are feeling this much guilt it is hard to think about what you want, but if you make choices out of guilt you will only end up causing more pain in the future when the guilt begins to subside.

 

Hang in there. You are not alone. There are alot of people here that have been through what you are going through and want to help.

 

(((hugs)))

[lost4ever]

Thanks! I know I want to divorce, I will be sad and I will not stay in this marriage, I don't know if it's the guilt of what I did or the fact that I did it in the first place...either way what you said is true, how on earth can I think of getting out when he is feeling so bad, I don't know how to act, one minute he's ok, we can talk about the divorce, next he's having panic attacks and asking if I'll take him to the hospital, next minute he's calling me every name in the book (I know I deserve it). He tells me he just needs me to hold him, he tells me to just go away..... like I said I need to go to hell, very slowly, and I am, but as long as it saves him, I believe it will be worth it

[annabelle75]

Thanks! I know I want to divorce, I will be sad and I will not stay in this marriage, I don't know if it's the guilt of what I did or the fact that I did it in the first place...either way what you said is true, how on earth can I think of getting out when he is feeling so bad, I don't know how to act, one minute he's ok, we can talk about the divorce, next he's having panic attacks and asking if I'll take him to the hospital, next minute he's calling me every name in the book (I know I deserve it). He tells me he just needs me to hold him, he tells me to just go away..... like I said I need to go to hell, very slowly, and I am, but as long as it saves him, I believe it will be worth it

 

When I left my husband I went through alot of the same things you are going through. I had alot of guilt because he was hurt I was leaving. I also started a new relationship while we were seperated and still living together (till we could sell our house). It hurt him in ways I still feel horrible about. Even though what I did hurt him, in a way it was my way of making a break from the marriage and making sure I couldn't go back. It sounds like a strange way to look at things but I think it is how a lot of affairs start when one partner is wanting out of the marriage.

 

Honestly, holding him and holding his hand all the way through this isn't the best thing for him. There is too much anger and resentment for him to deal with it with you around. He really needs to spend some time alone or with his freinds and family with out you. Even though he may not want to be with out you right now, if you are leaving you need to give him the space to heal on his own.

 

Just to give you a light at the end of the tunnel .................. its been two years since I left and not only has my ex-H gotten over the pain but our relationship has healed as well. We have dinner together once a week with our daughter and even hang out watching movies and stuff sometimes. Two years I thought he would hate me for the rest of our lives. Now he is one of my dearest freinds. It is possible. You can both make it through this OK.

[lost4ever]

Do you mind telling me

how long it took him to get over each stage, the anger, the sadness, the despiration? you stated you have a daughter, did that help or make worse, as regards to him/you/relationsh? Did he want to know all the sexual details? Did you tell? Did you tell of affair or did he find out? Did he tell mm's wife? what happened..sorry, just need a guide..

[whichwayisup]

The next morning I was extremely embarrassed, this is a man that is dis-liked by everyone, very rude, very arrogant

 

I do not think of the mm as a jerk

 

This makes no sense to me. One sentence you say he's rude, arrogant and disliked by many, but he's not a jerk? Sorry but someone who is rude and arrogant IS a jerk!

 

Bottomline, you screwed up and betrayed your husband in the worst way. Even though you two had a horrible fight (was that due to your white lie?) and you left the house, isn't an excuse to sleep with another man, let alone a MM...Anyway, right now YOU need to decide what it is you want. Your husband and marriage or a divorce. If you want the marriage, get to marriage counselling to fix things, do EVERYTHING possible to make it right again with your H. That is, if you love him...But, if you don't love him and can't see it working out, then divorce.

 

Forget about the MM, he isn't part of your life, whatever it was between you two isn't anymore, so let him be with his wife. Don't call her or do anything...Their marriage is their business.

 

Anyway, I do hope you that you cope through this and lighten up on yourself, because if your marriage is going to work, you have to forgive yourself for your mistake.. If you need individual counselling to deal with this, then do just that.

[silktricks]

1st, you're not evil nor do you need to go to hell.

 

Ok, that's out oh the way. Do you truly want out of the marriage, or have you simply convinced yourself that you couldn't possibly have done what you did if you didn't want out. That is a totally different thing.

 

Why don't you sit back, relax and forget all the bad things you are telling you about yourself. Learn to forgive yourself for your mistakes while you also learn from them.

 

As has been said, your husband may very well be able to forgive you in time. But if you get a divorce simply because you think he deserves to be free of you, you may be doing both of you a very great disservice, and causing even more unnecessary pain.

 

If you can, I hope you get into therapy to resolve some of the issues you are experiencing.

[annabelle75]

Do you mind telling me

how long it took him to get over each stage, the anger, the sadness, the despiration? you stated you have a daughter, did that help or make worse, as regards to him/you/relationsh? Did he want to know all the sexual details? Did you tell? Did you tell of affair or did he find out? Did he tell mm's wife? what happened..sorry, just need a guide..

 

Honestly, I'm sure he still struggles with it. There were alot of reasons our marriage ended. It ended long before we seperated and I started seeing another man, but I still regret that I handled it the way I did. He wasn't ready to let go yet and I made it even more painful for him. Even though it was my way of distancing myself and moving on, I still think it was wrong and I will always feel guilt for how much it hurt him.

 

But once I moved out and he knew that the marriage was really over, he was able to start rebuilding himself and heal. He was even able to acknowledge his own mistakes in the marriage and realize why I left. Admittedly we probably would not have the freindship we have now if it wasn't for our daughter, but over the last two years we have developed a new kind of realtionship than we had before. I don't know if we'll ever fully forgive each other (he cheated at different times during the marriage), but we have been able to put it behind us for the sake of our daughter.

 

Do you have any children?

[lost4ever]

No, no Children. You know It is so weird to me the differnt ways people think and act towards the same situation. I know my H is a wonderful man (though not wonderful for me) I can only hope that I am/was smart enough to only have allowed intelligent, good people in my life and not people that are vindictive, or want revenge.

 

As for wanting out of the marriage, I love my H, with all my heart, I want what is best for him, and I am not what is best for him, we told some of my family that we were getting divorced (left out the A part) all they said was that it is a good thing because I treat my husband like a b*tch and he deserves somebody better. My husband, after we got home, told me my family has no idea what they are talking about, that he never thought I treated him that way, but one can only think, that I do and every one else see's it. No, I don't want to leave my husband but sometimes people have to give up somethings to benefit something else.....Like when a BS spouse stays for the kids. I know that I can not make him happy, he wants kids I don't, I want my career (that has me traveling a lot) I lost his trust, so it would cause him pain