Yernasia Quorelios Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 I have finally reached a place where I am no longer constantly thinking about my ex-wife or worrying about whether or not she'll reconcile. I have reached this place without developing a shred of bitterness towards her - though that's not to say that I haven't been very angry with her at times and may feel more anger in the future. Now I feel sadness , disappointment and happiness all at the same time. I feel sadness for the loss of the relationship, disappointment at her lack of capacity to deal with resolving our issues and happiness that she's happy where she is and that I can now move on to my happy future with or without her. I put this down to the unconditional love I have for her (see this post for my view on unconditional love). I would be really interested to hear other LS members' experiences with and thoughts on unconditional love. For anyone whose interested, one of the ways I managed to get through this traumatic episode was to mentally separate my wife from my ex-wife - in fact I have come to the conclusion that dumpers may suffer from a mild form of schizophrenia . My wife is a person with whom I have a loving relationship. My ex-wife is causing me pain albeit unintentionally. Until, if ever, my wife reappears by initiating a reconciliation I am looking after myself by keeping well away from my ex-wife . Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 17, 2007 Share Posted July 17, 2007 IMO, only applies to children (the flesh of your own flesh)... absolutely no one else! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted July 18, 2007 Author Share Posted July 18, 2007 I know plenty of kids who have no love for their parents nor their parents for them, I'm one of those kids (albeit 40 years old ). I have unconditional love for my mother and siblings but not for my father nor he for us. I have friends who I have unconditional love for and, of course, I have unconditional love for my ex. Unconditional love is about family. When you love someone unconditionally they become family. Just look around at the couples who've been together many, many years and brought up wonderful kids in an environment of unconditional love. Divorced parents that share unconditional love, who split for reasons other than falling out of love, are the ones who don't battle for custody. When you do not have unconditional love for those who share your genes, such as the flesh of you flesh , they are family in name only. Study after study has shown that the ties that bind are only partially determined by blood and genetics. In this day and age of the mobile society and extensive communications phrases like "friends are the new family" have become common place. This state of affairs has always been the case since the dawn of humankind, it's just that it is more pronounced now. A lot of people prefer to spend family times such as Christmas and Thanksgiving with their friends rather than their relatives. Adopted children, while curious about their genetic heritage, tend not to up and leave their adoptive parents when they track down their biological parent. So the phrase "blood is thicker than water" applies only when unconditional love is present. A lot of the water I have had the privilege to choose and unconditionally love is a lot thicker than some of the blood I have had no choice but to be connected with . A lot of bad experiences others have had with relatives leads me to believe that I'm not alone in this. Unconditional love is a dumpee's best route to second, third, fourth etc chances . Link to post Share on other sites
Devlbunny Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 I still love my ex fiance 13 years later. But I would never go back to him. Honestly if he were as he were when I left him, I might. But I love him for who he is. Even if that who he is is who he has become. I think the reason I left him was fear that he would become this (almost 40, jobless, living with his brother). I think true love is unconditional. I think that hatred is nothing more than a manifestation of injured love. I know it is trite. But I think apathy is the opposite of love. Hate is an angry form of love. I think all "love" is unending. Even if it changes to hate. My parents divorced before I was born 30 years ago. And my mother still hates my father. I think that is because love cannot die. It can turn to hate, but it cannot die. So yea, I think love is unconditional if you define it as a strong emotion. But that it can be changed into a different strong emotion. Link to post Share on other sites
funkybassplayer Posted July 19, 2007 Share Posted July 19, 2007 I have finally reached a place where I am no longer constantly thinking about my ex-wife or worrying about whether or not she'll reconcile. I have reached this place without developing a shred of bitterness towards her - though that's not to say that I haven't been very angry with her at times and may feel more anger in the future. Now I feel sadness , disappointment and happiness all at the same time. I feel sadness for the loss of the relationship, disappointment at her lack of capacity to deal with resolving our issues and happiness that she's happy where she is and that I can now move on to my happy future with or without her. I put this down to the unconditional love I have for her (see this post for my view on unconditional love). I would be really interested to hear other LS members' experiences with and thoughts on unconditional love. For anyone whose interested, one of the ways I managed to get through this traumatic episode was to mentally separate my wife from my ex-wife - in fact I have come to the conclusion that dumpers may suffer from a mild form of schizophrenia . My wife is a person with whom I have a loving relationship. My ex-wife is causing me pain albeit unintentionally. Until, if ever, my wife reappears by initiating a reconciliation I am looking after myself by keeping well away from my ex-wife . I can relate to ALL YOU SAY. my ex had many issues and she brought her old marriage into the relationship with me. I got so attached to her kids and they to me, but she was not ready to be with me or anyone. She wanted the single life and me at the same time, and i was not willing to share her. she ended it, and went strait into another relationship within days. I was so angry at how i got treated in the end, as i was tossed adside, and all the effort i put in to help her and her kids seemed to mean nothing to her. My last convo was ok, i told her that i loved her enogh to let her go, and that i was slowley moving on, but i knew that i was not wanted and i had to say goodbye to her and the kids in my heart, and not in person as i wished. I have been in n/c for 8 weeks, and moving on well, but i still feel sad, then happy then angry but not so deeply. I will always talk to her if she wishes it, but for now, im looking forward and i hope that she and her lovely kids will be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 I can relate to ALL YOU SAY. Always nice to get agreement . I have been in n/c for 8 weeks, and moving on well, but i still feel sad, then happy then angry but not so deeply. Nearly 9 weeks and counting....keep it up . Link to post Share on other sites
Author Yernasia Quorelios Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 So yea, I think love is unconditional if you define it as a strong emotion. But that it can be changed into a different strong emotion. I cannot but agree....very insightful . Link to post Share on other sites
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