green eyed Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Hi all, It's been a bit over a week now, and I don't know what to do. My bf of 2 years, who I love deeply, broke things off with me because we'd been arguing and bickering too much and had communication problems. He says he still loves me deeply and wants to be with me, but said he can't see it working out in the long term and had to make a practical decision about the future. He thinks love can't solve all problems. I am devastated and have been going over to his place to try to convince him to change his mind. In the last week, we've had sex a couple of times and he has mostly been kind and caring towards me. He thinks it's ok if i come over as long as we don't have an argument or keep going over the breakup - but it's ok if I just want some comfort. I've managed to talk him into a TS - we are still split up but he has agreed to think about things for a couple of months. I'm torn about what to do. He is offering me his comfort and, because I want him back so badly, of course I've been going over there and trying to get it (although it's a bit empty, knowing that the person giving comfort to you has basically rejected you). He's also giving me mixed signals because while on the one hand he's said we are no longer together, he has 1/ agreed to a TS; 2/still has sex with me; 3/ says that throughout the TS he wants to stay in touch. Perhaps, once we get into the swing of the TS, he won't want me to come over any more. At the moment, though, the signals are all over the place. Do you think he genuinely wants me back and has serious doubts, or is he just easing his own pain by still trying to keep a bit of me in his life? Do you think NC is the way to go in this situation? I really, really want him back but he can be a very stubborn and pessimistic person sometimes. I'm worried that giving him time to think during our period of NC won't be enough to change the mind of a stubborn person like him. Any reassurance or advice? This man is the love of my life.
Guest Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 Green Eyed, You are not going to like what I have to say but I think that you need to respect yourself a little better. He has broken up with you, yet you are still agreeing to have sex with him. How will you feel when he eventually finds someone else and no longer wants you to come over? I don't want to upset you but, for your own dignity, I think that it is time that you moved on. You need to start to get angry and, if you need support, get it from someone else rather than him. After all, he is the one who put you into this situation. By the way, if by TS, you mean threesome then I have to say that I am truly shocked. After breaking up with you you would actually agree to have sex with him with someone else too? Yikes!! To me that would be a huge turnoff towards you in the long run!!
Author green eyed Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 An update to my earlier post is that I went over to his place tonight. He wasn't answering his phone and I missed him and wanted to spend time with him. Last week, just after we'd broken up, he was fine with this. Now he says there have to be limits and I couldn't stay. He hugged me, but after a minute said he couldn't let me stay. I got *way* too emotional - he's getting sick of seeing my hysterical crying. I still don't know what to do. I feel like it's a big risk waiting for 2 months for him to decide what he wants. He might just end up saying that he doesn't want to try again after all. Is it better to forget about him than sit around waiting, powerless, for 2 months? I can't tell you how awful and depressed and anxious and lonely I feel right now.
ahah2322 Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 hey honey, if you've read my previous post about my current situation, i too feel lonely and forlorn. but i hope you will be strong and hold your head up high. know its hard... but we should just let go. i think its for the best of us.
whichwayisup Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 He's throwing in the towel it seems.... Give it a week or two, don't call him or email him, let him approach you, then suggest you two go to couples therapy. If you love him and see a future with him, you two CAN learn how to communicate, listen and understand eachother with the help of the therapist.
Author green eyed Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Thanks ahah - I know that even though it was a mutual decision in your situation, it doesn't hurt any less. I can't let go at the moment, though. I'm still struggling to believe that he broke it off in the first place. Intellectually, I know he did. But somehow, that information isn't getting inside my head - it's a weird 'in denial' feeling. I think it's my brain trying to protect me from too much pain, and also that I just don't want this to happen at all. Didn't ask for it, don't want it, can't accept it. That's why I'm surprised at him not letting me stay over tonight. A part of my brain is still behaving as though we're still together.
Author green eyed Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Hi Whichwayisup, Yeah, it does look like he's throwing in the towel, but I just can't believe it at the moment. We love each other! He says he wants to be with me! To me, that's all I would need to make a decision. For him, there's the big 'BUT' about our compatibility. I love him enough to try anything, and have already suggested couple's therapy, but he thinks it's a stupid idea because he has no respect for therapists or therapy (a dumb prejudice of his). So if we were going to get back together, we'd have to work it out alone -with his appalling communication skills. I think NC is a good idea at this point. Going over tonight was humiliating. He said I was pushing him further away and making him angry. So the only hope, if there is hope at all, is to leave him alone. He said he'd call tomorrow to see how I was doing (it's our anniversary tomorrow, btw). I'll see how I go in leaving it a day to call back. Right now, it's late where I live and I'm going to try to get a few hours sleep (fat chance, but gotta try).
LucreziaBorgia Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 We love each other! He says he wants to be with me! It isn't unusual for the dumper to still have deep feelings for the person he/she dumped, and continue to see them like your ex has seen you for the past few days. The dumper misses you. However, that is no way, shape or form means they want the relationship back. The type of scenario you are describing is one in which the dumper gets to enjoy the parts of you he likes and enjoys, and the breakup part means he gets to avoid the parts of you he doesn't like. Right now, the parts he doesn't like outweighs the parts that he does like. The 'like' parts are still there, though - hence his being around, having sex with you, etc. As long as he gets this fix, he will never again persue a relationship with you? Why? Because he doesn't have to. He gets all the perks in this situation, and it works 100% for him. Why on earth would he want to change that and go back to a relationship that wasn't working for him, when he clearly doesn't have to? You are allowing him to do this, and he will continue to do so. "Being there" for him isn't going to make him want the relationship back. It will only allow him to continue taking what he wants, while avoiding the relationship part. The most painful part of this, is that his feelings are no doubt genuine and it won't be easy to let go. Your hope and wishful thinking is telling you that if he still has feelings and want to be with you, he will want you back in a relationship, when nothing could be farther from the truth. If you want him to weigh his options, and decide what is important to him and what he is willing to compromise and if he is willing to get back into a relationship with you, you will need to stop allowing him to benefit from being broken up with you. You need to withdraw every single perk he is getting. No more 'friend', no more 'talking', no more 'sex', no more cuddling, nothing. He needs to understand that he is allowed to have that as your boyfriend, not as your ex. Then, cut all of that off. If it is too painful to go to complete contact, then go to limited contact. Do not call him. Do not tell him that you love him. Do not talk about the relationship. Do not discuss a 'future' or 'the break' or any of that. Do not have sex with him, or give him any physical affection that you wouldn't give to a platonic female friend. If he contacts you, keep it short and completely unemotional. No crying, begging, pleading. Let him know the door is open, by remaining open to contact but that the door to EVERYTHING else is shut as long as he is not in a relationship with you. If he is insistant, then continue to repeat: we are broken up, and the things you want are only things I will give you if we are not broken up. If we can reconcile, work on our relationship and make things work for us, then you can have those things from me. As long as you are my ex, you may not. Period. If he wants those perks bad enough, he will get back into a relationship with you. But... you need to be very careful to find out what changes need to be made by you both and then make them. If you go right back to the way it was, he will do nothing but break up with you again.
Author green eyed Posted May 27, 2007 Author Posted May 27, 2007 Thanks Lucrezia, Harsh but true. I know, after last nights humiliation, that I have to stop contacting him. End of story. What I don't understand is how you can say not only that you love someone deeply but also actually want to be with them, envisaged the rest of your life with them, and then end the relationship. That's the bit I don't get. It's not even like he fell out of love with me or anything like that. He says he still loves me deeply and that his feelings haven't changed or lessened over time (and I do believe him on this. I'm pretty sure he's not just saying it to alleviate his guilt). So how can he do this? I don't get it. If you love someone and want to be with them, then you make it work. That's how I see it and I can't see another way. Don't you go through the rest of your life feeling sad and regretful because you still love them? I put this question to him and he just said that life was full of regrets and life was usually harsh and sad (as you can see, he's a pessimist extraordinaire).
jb123 Posted May 27, 2007 Posted May 27, 2007 I was dating this girl until she decided she needed time away and she wouldnt find another guy, she just needs time to be with her friends. So i accept that until she doesnt really call me or txt me and she lies about where she is at. she tells me she loves me and can swear we will get back together someday. but how is that true when she doesnt seem like she cares or anything?
Author green eyed Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 By the way, if by TS, you mean threesome then I have to say that I am truly shocked. After breaking up with you you would actually agree to have sex with him with someone else too? Yikes!! To me that would be a huge turnoff towards you in the long run!! No, no! I mean 'trial separation'. i know that means different things to different people. I wanted it to be technically staying together but agreeing to spend a couple of months apart for the sake of the relationship. He will only agree to be split up and think about things for a while. This, of course, doesn't give me much hope or any options other than to just wait it out.
thelipless Posted May 28, 2007 Posted May 28, 2007 I'm curious as to if this is your first relationship? I think you should have completely no contact for a bit and see how he responds. It might give him a wake up call. note: i haven't read all the replies, just the original message.
Author green eyed Posted May 28, 2007 Author Posted May 28, 2007 Hi there No, I'm in my late 30s, he's in his late 40s, so not the first relationship for either of us. When I say he's the love of my life, I'm basing this on my experience of several long term relationships in the past, including one I nearly married. But it's true that we do argue a lot. He thinks that behind these arguments are two very different people who, despite their love for each other, can't be together - it just won't work. I think it's because we both have issues with trust and are fearful of being hurt as we have both been in previous relationships. We're both convinced at this stage that we are right - and, as I said in my first post, he's very stubborn. Having him change his mind would be quite a feat, and I think that's part of the reason I want to keep seeing him. I want to persuade him that things aren't the way he thinks they are. I've seen plenty of couples who are very different people have long term happy relationships. But yes, I'm coming to the conclusion that NC is the only way - at least for a while, to give him an opportunity to miss me. NC is so hard!!!! I've only managed to do ONE DAY so far and it's killing me!!!
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