Found My Fiance's Sex Photos

[LulaMae]

I am engaged to be married in 4 months. My fiance and I have been having some disagreements about the wedding but they are things that we were working through in our pre-marital counseling sessions.

 

One of our issues has been dealing with my F's past marriage and mutual friends of him and his ex-wife. No issues at all with the ex-wife and his two kids, but the friends have been his partners-in-crime in the past. He cheated on his ex-wife (married 10 years, having an affair for 5 years). He has maintained friendships with his buddies in crime which does not make me feel comfortable. It has lead to arguments about his friends---if you have changed why associate with them? Long story short, I found photos from a trip he took with his best friend maybe a year before I met him (and after his divorce). I was shocked to see photos of him and his best friend meeting women in the street, taking them back to the hotel room and having sex (with explicit photos to boot). Based on the photos they appear to both be in the room with the women.

 

I am angry and feel that his explanation on where he is now mentally (trying to talk to his friends about the importance of relationships, etc.) may be a bunch of crap. His argument will be that the photos were in the past and he may also be mad about how I found them (I was looking for a pair of boxers and smack dab in the top drawer was a stack of porn cd's...just browsing through to see what kind of porn he likes, I found a CD with the location name of a trip that I knew he had taken with his best friend). He has made snide comments in the past about what his friend likes to do on vacation, and the fact that the CD was with the porn CDs made it irresistible to me.

 

We have a counseling session coming up in a few days...I have told him that I have been trying to work through something in my head and want to discuss. He thinks it's just basic wedding issues and that we should address it in counseling this coming week. Is it wrong to "out" him in front of the counselor? Do I have a right to be concerned about this? Will boys just be boys but now that he's with me that's probably over?

 

I had gotten to a safe point where I felt he had learned his lesson in the past about cheating, but I didn't see him as a guy who would participate in something like this. I can see sleeping with someone on vacation (I have done it when I was single), but photos with the best friend and in the same roo, ect. is throwing me off.

 

I also realize that part of the reason I'm angry is because he's never really been as free and open with me sexually as he was in the photos --- don't get me wrong sex is good but I would prefer to be more wild but he acts more reserved. I'm wondering if he may be one of those guys that believes there's nice comforting sex with your wife, and then get nasty sex with random partner or mistress. Thinking of postponing the wedding especially considering arguments about the wedding in general. No money has been paid for wedding yet. Help!!!

[JackJack]

I think its good you all are in some pre-marital counseling. And I'm not saying that maybe your F, has not changed for the better. But I do think it might be best, that since you have are having these doubts about wheather he has truly changed or not, might be a good reason to postpone the wedding for a bit. How long have you known him and how long have you been engaged?

[riobikini]

I'd hate for someone (anyone) to judge me based solely on some of my past (or even recent) photos -the one's with or without clothes on.

 

(Smile)

 

Or some of my most rotten behavior.

 

Recently, tho' , "L" and I had a digital camera stolen from the car and realized that a certain-certain memory stick may not have been erased.

 

OK -we admit we were negligent about leaving stuff like that on the memory stick but in our (weak) defense we *had* switched to the "B" side of it and were using the new side for other stuff.

 

(Yeah, I know.)

 

Still -guiding back on topic- anyone who chooses to take the narrow-minded approach you seem to be taking in judging someone else, desperately needs a wake-up call regarding all the things they'd rather not be judged by, themselves.

 

Think about it: want your partner to dig around in your past and start making judgments based on your *worst* behavior??

 

Puts a brand new perspective on things, doesn't it?

 

I agree that knowing (generally-speaking) about your partner's past is helpful in resolving reservations, and soothing doubts about whether or not he/she may be the *right one* for you -but using the worst about a person's past to judge them by (after they've tried to heal it, change it, and let the past be the past) is just plain unfair -to *you* and to him.

 

Kill off some of the urge to criticize, try to look at who he has become, and learn to appreciate how wonderfully some people can change.

 

That's the best I can do -hope it makes some sense to you.

 

-Rio

[Star Gazer]

I completely agree with Rio.

 

There are things I NEVER want my future-H to know I did - sexually and otherwise. They are a part of my past, I don't behave that way anymore, so there will be no need to know. That's why I have yet to ever allow a photo or video to be taken.

 

Your fiance's sexual behavior - being an immature guy out for booty only - occurred long before he even met you. You haven't described a sexual deviant, or anything malicious.

 

What's particularly troubling here is it sounds like he has SO moved past this sort of stuff, and is a completely different person than he was then and has even done what he can't to move on from his friendships with those he acted dumb with. Despite this, you want to use this against him and judge him for it.

 

Not cool, IMHO.

[LulaMae]

Thanks for all the feedback. We dated for one year and have been engaged for 2 months, so a total of one year and 3 months.

 

I agree that it happened in his past, and had even comes to terms (or so I thought) about the cheating on his ex-wife. But here's what worries me -- it's one thing for someone to say that something is in his past but, if so, then why does he seems to remain connected to all reminders of the past? As Star Gazer said, she didn't allow photos etc. Why wasn't the CD thrown away, why is it left in your top drawer of your dresser where I (or even one of his sons) could have found it? If you say that the past is the past, then why hold on to stuff like that? And....why dog the friends out about there behavior when I now have seen photos to confirm that he is has been guilty of the same thing.... Is "but I've learned my lesson" enough??

 

Sorry this is in so many threads (it's my first time ever emailing my issues online)! LOL

[Star Gazer]

I still have pictures of all my ex-BFs. I still have their cards, pieces of flowers, etc. They are warm memories for me, despite how very faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar in the past they are. And they are hidden.

 

He could be keeping the damn CD for blackmail against his friend, for all you know. Or as a reminder to himself that he's a fun dude...that he HAS sowed his oats, anything.

[LulaMae]

Fair points, but are you saying that you would not even bring up that you found the photos? This seems like a pretty big thing to carry in terms of not letting him know, and a big issue to ignore before a wedding. If I raise the issue then we can at least discuss it..

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

If your husband cheated on the ex wife for five years.

 

And if he was with some other guy in the same room with another woman on vacation.

 

Your guy is some sort of a pervert, and he is not going to change.

 

If you marry him he'll cheat on you for sure.

 

Ariadne

[JackJack]

I will agree with the fact that the photos were from his past and not alot you can do about those now. But I think the main thing that sticks out in your post to me (as I said in my earlier reply) and that is the main point being you have doubts that he has changed. Which should not go ignored. Do whatever you feel you need to do, but I do think its probably best to hold off on a wedding until these issues have been resolved.

[LulaMae]

Thanks JackJack. Solid advice and probably how things will go. I raised the issue with him after agreeing that we will NOT discuss until our counseling session. Will decide sometime after that if I have doubts and need to postpone the wedding. Thanks!

[Mr. Lucky]

My only caution to you would be as follows: Like most guys, I have a couple of friends that are basically horny dogs. Even when in a serious relationship (or married), they don't seem to be able to resist the flirt/pursue/conquer mentality that most of us feel is restricted to our single days. They are easy to spot in a group of guys - they're the ones actively trying to engage the waitress/bartender/salesperson in a conversation that will lead to something else. It's such a part of their self-image that I'm not even sure they do it consciously, but they always seem to have their antennae up.

 

Could your fiancee have these instincts?

 

Mr. Lucky

[LulaMae]

Is he like that? I don't believe so, but can't really say for sure which is the problem. I would have said no a few days ago but it hurts to see proof that there was a time when he was that way. Does anyone have any indicators that you would swear by?

 

I believe the photos were taken when he was single but it's still a blow (what I wish my eyes had never seen). It's hard to try and put the past in the past. One thing I do believe is that he has never cheated on me so it would be hard to totally cancel the wedding based on my fears, especially since marriage is never a guarantee.

 

I'm thinking postpone the wedding and try to work on trust but this will not be easy. Wedding and Honeymoon basically all planned out, the only thing left was to go make the down-payments. Thanks for your input.

[GreenEyedLady]

I'm thinking postpone the wedding and try to work on trust but this will not be easy. Wedding and Honeymoon basically all planned out, the only thing left was to go make the down-payments. Thanks for your input.

 

You're right, working on trust won't be easy...and now he's going to have trust issues with YOU...you found something of his in his DRAWER and instead of asking him about it, you've convinced yourself that he is not the person he claims to be and perhaps unworthy of you...

 

Perhaps he will find you unworthy of him...someone unable to communicate their true feelings, someone who judges someone that they claim to love enough to say yes to a marriage proposal, based on something done before they were together...

 

It is a good idea to postpone the wedding so he gets to see the "real" you also and judge accordingly...Maybe you two just aren't compatible...

[Lizzie60]

I think you're starting on a verrrrry bad note... If I were you I would definietely postponed the marriage as you are not ready.

 

I have to agree with Ariadne though... He has cheated on his ex-wife 5 years out of 10... has been involved in wild sex with his buddies... what else has he done that you are not aware of... he's not going to tell you everything... if you wouldn't have found the tapes, I bet he would have never told you... so... he's constantly lying...

 

I personally don't believe in monogamy on a long-term basis..OK for 5-8 years maybe but once the 'passion' is gone...most men are looking for excitement again. Sorry but it's the sad reality. So why get married?

 

In my opinion, you need to 'date' longer, it's only been over a year, not enough to thouroughly know him... don't forget that once you're married, it's a hassle and pain to get out, especially if you find more stuff that could eventually be a 'deal breaker'...

 

Take your time... you got all your life ahead to be with him...what's the rush to get married?

[luvstarved]

To each his own but I would see all this as a major red flag. It depends on what you want, what you are willing to settle for.

 

If your fiance cheated on his wife for half of his marriage and if his idea of a vacation is pursuing wild sexcapades, and if he is "reserved" when having sex with you, then I think you have to take a huge leap of faith to go into a marriage trusting that he will be satisfied with this toned-down sex with you for the rest of his life.

 

Sounds like he could have the Madonna/whore mentality. If that is true, then the sex with you may never get any more adventurous. Meanwhile, it will probably not be enough to sustain him forever.

 

Yeah we have all done things we aren't proud of. Yeah the past is the past to some extent.

 

But people also have a core identity that is unlikely to fundamentally change. I think you need to explore the core identity of your fiance...

 

However, I would not "out" him in the middle of a counseling session. Surprise attacks lead to desperate defenses. I would confess to him that you found this material and shouldn't have snooped but you did and were bothered by what you saw. If you expect a monogamous relationship with him, let him know that this renews your concern about his capacity for sexual fidelity. If it gets into a blame game or otherwise fruitless exchange, then tell him that you will save it for counseling and talk about it in a more controlled environment.

 

Honestly, I think his immediate response to your "confession" will tell you volumes. Best to you.

[LulaMae]

Thanks for the feedback. Someone asked in an early comment if I was the woman he was cheating with - no way!! This all happened before I cam into the picture.

 

So, GreenEyedLady - sounds like you would consider overlooking all of this?

 

As for Lizzie60's question - Why Get Married? My answer would be that life can bring tough times and it is often not easy to walk them alone. I recently had surgery and he was there for me and has been a blessing in many ways. I think the hardest thing about his past is that I know what I know. With many people you wouldn't know (and might prefer not to know). You may end up with a goodie-two-shoes but lacking in other areas....uggghhhh. Seems as if love is never easy. Other reasons to get married...I want children (although I could live with it if I had to adopt). BTW, I'm 36 and he is 39.

 

Luvstarved - good advice regarding "core identity". Yet another reason to postpone the wedding. I feel that marriage in general is a big leap of faith and can't tell how much of this whole thing is my acknowledgment and fear of that. From responses I've received, I think everyone believes that this is a big issue and not to be ignored.

 

One issue that will be sticky is the kids...he has two beautiful sons that I have begun to forge a relationship with....we have already sat them down to tell them we are getting married. They are 4 and 10. I love them too. It's really a heartbreaker to know that his kids may get hurt once again.

 

Thanks for all the responses and feel free to continue to weigh in. Thanks!

[LulaMae]

Just a quick note regarding this situation (and a P.S.) to my last response: I've always tried to stay "segregated" from his ex-wife, friends, etc. because I didn't like the "sniff-test" with many of them (excluding the ex-wife). His ex-wife has reached out to me in the past with friendly gestures (gifts from the kids on my birthday, x-mas, etc.). Maybe with our upcoming engagement (assuming it doesn't get cancelled), I could have a friendly lunch with her in hopes that we get somewhat personal and I can get a better sense of "her" side of the story. There many be many things he has not told me. Also, I have good reason to call some of the friends with wedding postponement or even invitations, etc. Even though I'm very private, I'm also considering telling the best friend about the photos I found (when he asks why the wedding is postponed) and asking if that's who my fiance really is. Is this causing a ripple effect in our relationship/airing dirty laundry? Useless?

 

Thoughts on contacting his ex-wife??

 

Thoughts on contacting his friends???

[GreenEyedLady]

So, GreenEyedLady - sounds like you would consider overlooking all of this?

 

I wouldn't necessarily overlook it, but I would definitely ASK him about it PRONTO! You two are in a very serious R and that should include communicating about big issues...

 

This is a big enough issue that you are considering calling off the wedding and he should be aware of that...

 

As for talking to his family and friends-don't do that! Talk to him! I highly doubt anyone in his family or any of his friends would tell you anything that would mess up his chance with you and then they'll tell him that you're snooping on him...just talk to HIM!

 

If you can't trust him, then you shouldn't marry him...It'll only get worse...

 

Good luck!

[Mr. Lucky]

Thoughts on contacting his ex-wife??

 

Thoughts on contacting his friends???

Unless his ex and friends are very discreet (old Chinese expression - 3 people can keep a secret if 2 of them are dead), he'll find out about your inquiries. I don't see the value of hearing "her side" from the ex - she's probably not the most unbiased source in the world. I know if you asked me about my ex, my responses would be colored by the drama, pain and heartbreak of divorce (that cheatin' b*tch )

 

I think you're better off talking directly to him about it.

 

Mr. Lucky

[LulaMae]

Thanks GreenEyedLady and Mr. Lucky. I agree with you both. Had a momentary "bright" idea that I realized soon after would be fruitless and probably very akward. Love the old Chinese proverb - so true! Thanks!

[riobikini]

LulaMae -all this boils down to is plain ol' rotten *jealousy*

 

(A pretty human emotion, btw -and one you'd expect to naturally erupt from this kind of situation.)

 

It was the fact you were looking at someone else having sex with your guy -and that didn't set too well with you.

 

Let's call this little drama what it really is -so you can deal with the *real* issue!

 

Absolutely no one would be able to view such a scene involving their beloved without (at least) feeling a little of the familiar, scorching burn of jealousy.

 

As for the man (your partner) keeping the CD -look- men hang onto stuff like that because it represents a conquest of sorts; a *man* thing.

 

Truth is -he probably *did* hate to throw it away (and you'll never understand that) -so, as unfortunate as it was that you came across it and (second mistake, your doing) had the irresistable urge to view it, you simply need to let it die for your own good.

 

As for how your partner feels about the CD now, after all this mess -he probably wishes he'd smashed it into a thousand pieces and buried it as close to the earth's core as possible, in light of all the grief he's getting over it.

 

Resolve it.

 

And -for God's sake- get on with your lives!

 

-Rio

[LulaMae]

Riobikini, you are correct. And thanks to all for the insightful input. So much has happened...we are now getting on with our lives but I feel that I owe everyone an update after all the great assistance!

 

We discussed the photos before counseling and with the counselor. He was very open with me and told me about his trip, including where he was at the time in his life, both mentally and emotionally. He said that he would erase it if he could, but also that this was past behavior when he was single. He was not holding them as trophies and will shred the CDs. He was upset that I viewed the photos, but the counselor told him that not many human beings could resist based on the circumstances. He told his friend that I found the photos...might be somewhat akward when I see the friend but I think moreso for him than me...

 

Turns out that it wasn't my fiance having sex in the photos (we went through the photos together and, based on body scars and other signs, it was NOT him although he was the "camera man"). He said that he could not go through with having sex in front of his friend (which sounds like the guy I know and love) and left the room at some point. This does not mean that he was not meeting women over the course of the weekend and having sex ---he did confess to same. He told me that his plan was to go to an island, meet a local girl and live out a fantasy love affair. Instead him and his playboy friend ended up in the middle of a sex trade in which you had to pay for lovin''. I could sit here and judge all day long, but what I can tell from our talks is that this is something he is not proud of and says that in the end he felt cheap and missed the emotional component. During our open communication I was able to resolve issues that the photos brought to the surface and can say that I am ready to put the past behind us.

 

In any event, my discovery has been a blessing in disguise - we talked about my concerns for more adventure in our sex life (which is already great but I did want a little more spice). It has resulted in him letting go of many of his inhibitions with me and some pretty hot evenings ). Nonetheless, we postponed the wedding for 5 months (which gives us 9 months to continue our counseling and grow closer). This is also better for us as we were both stressed about the 4 month timeline and rushing to get married. I am also planning to go to counseling on my own and work through some of my childhood and adult experiences that I believe have created a very real jealous streak in my dealings with men. Thanks again to all...this was my first online chat experience and a very valuable one indeed!

[Mr. Lucky]

In any event, my discovery has been a blessing in disguise - we talked about my concerns for more adventure in our sex life (which is already great but I did want a little more spice). It has resulted in him letting go of many of his inhibitions with me and some pretty hot evenings ). Nonetheless, we postponed the wedding for 5 months (which gives us 9 months to continue our counseling and grow closer). This is also better for us as we were both stressed about the 4 month timeline and rushing to get married. I am also planning to go to counseling on my own and work through some of my childhood and adult experiences that I believe have created a very real jealous streak in my dealings with men. Thanks again to all...this was my first online chat experience and a very valuable one indeed!

Sounds like a win/win. Congrats on your progress and good luck and much happiness to the two of you

 

Mr. Lucky