PPS Posted May 2, 2007 Posted May 2, 2007 I've only recently started reading these forums and realise that many people are in the same shoes as I am. In the past I always thought I had the perfect relationship with my wife and not only will it get better, I thought we would last forever. I now understand the feeling of pain, agony, sorrow and torture love can do to one's heart. Here's my story... I'm 29 and wife is 31. We got married in June 2006. We've never lived together before we got married, occasionally I would sleep over at her place. Then I moved in with wife after marriage and the first 6 months were great. Then we had a few arguements and disagreement. But we kissed and hugged and got on with life. One of the biggest arguements we had was 4 months ago and we didn't talk to each other for 3 whole days. On the 4th day I gave in and talked to her and things were good again. After that there were the occasional fight. The the past 2 months or so, I noticed that wife was not affectionate to me as much as before and sex was less frequent. So I started to question her why, and all she would say is, "I'm just tired" or "I'm busy" ... Until two weeks ago, when I came home in the evening, she sat me down and told me she wants a DIVORCE... Her reason is that, she doesn't feel close to me anymore and has lost confidence to be with me. She can not see herself having kids with me. All because of the fights we had in the past she can not forget. When she thinks about the times we argued, those times I yelled and screamed, those times when I threatened her, she would feel further and further away from me. The past 2 weeks I have appologised and appologised and treated her like the Queen to try to make up. I have also tried to talk to convince her to stay. I have even told her that I will change and I will give my 100% to be a better husband and to things her way. But no use. She is a stubborn woman. I am totally lost, totally heart-broken, in total pain. I can not believe wife wants to leave me. I am crying while I am typing. Just now I asked her to reconsider and she said to me these exact words, "I am serious, you must consider when you will move out"... "Don't waste my time, I want a family. But not with you" ... "I have NO confidence to be with you anymore" ... I really really love her alot. I have made sacrifices and given up many things to be with my wife and now, not even one year marriage and she wants a divorce. I can't sleep properly, I can't eat properly, I have bad days at work. All I think about is my wife. My parents don't know about us and expect so much from us. Mum likes her very much and just asked me again yesterday when she can have grandchildren. I don't know how to explain to her she won't be getting any grandchildren... I feel like a total failure... I don't know what else I can do.
Author PPS Posted May 3, 2007 Author Posted May 3, 2007 Sorry everyone, I had double posted. I didn't realise my other post went through http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t118622/ This one is very similar to my other one
Darth Vader Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 Let your family know what's going on. Give your wife what she wants, Divorce her. There's someone else, because she said that she wants a family, but "not with you". Contact a lawyer, and protect yourself. Your marriage is over.
LakesideDream Posted May 4, 2007 Posted May 4, 2007 PPS, I feel for you man, but there is literally nothing you can do about the situation. Your wife is in complete control. Many, many, maybe most women keep a "Book of Wrongs". They are able to recall in detail each and every negetive thing that has happened in a relationship. Admittedly, in a marriage of less than a year, your wifes "Book" is more like a pamphlet, but it's there. There is nothing you can do about it. I figured out the Book seven or eight years into a 25 year marriage. I tried to avoid adding paragraphs, pages and chapter but it's no use. I a person wants to they can find things to resent. Consider yourself lucky. You are only 29 and have mucho time to find someone more suited to you. You only wasted a year of your life. Many of us wasted much more. Good Luck.
onestepback Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 I too can relate to what you are going through...my story is quite similar..my wife has moved out after only 3 years of marriage. We swore each other soul mates on the day we proclaimed our "vows" at our large wedding in a beautiful winery. I have driven myself to the brink of insanity (and misery) trying to figure out what went wrong...I am in the process of picking up the pieces... It is best for us both to move on...its not worth it to repair a marriage when one partner wants out...and even if your wife changes her mind and gives it a chance.. it will be difficult for you to have trust...whats to say the same thing won't happen 10 years down the road, only at that time children will be involved? Its best to find someone who will appreciate and love you... We all have flaws and issues...we enter our marriage with these issues...we have to accept each other, for the good and bad.. and help each other to grow. When one partner gives up on the other, they are no longer accepting their spouses' differences.. they are not honoring nor giving to the other person, which is the very least thing we can offer....If you are like me, you are devasted and thought something like this could never happen to you. It is best to tell your family and closest friends..a network of close ones is what is helping me through...granted I cry everyday and don't know how I am even working...but each day does seem to get a little better... we will heal, but it does take time (from what I hear).
Pay it forward Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Ok dude, Listen up, 1st Tell someone that knows you intimately. Mum, Sister or Brother. Get it all off your chest to someone that knows your sole better than your wife does. Tell this support person you will be back for more crying and sobbing. Approximately for the next 24 months, first few weeks alot then monthly then every other month. Until the ball in your stomach diminishes. 2nd go to your Doctor and get some Zanix to quench the know in your stomach and relive anxiety so you can sleep and work, dont over do it and get hooked or ill kick your ass. 3rd take the Zanix so you dont lose the job and screw your Male Self Esteem. Remember women have breasts, men we have work, income, Breasts attract men she aint giving them up. Money and Status attract women so dont lose your male breasts ie $ & work Remember work kkeps you grounded. I lost both and got Fked.... 4th DO NOT !!!! Move Out. I dont give a rats ass who owns the place. She wants out, she moves out. I moved out, oh yeah to do the right thing, save the marriage etc.. no *** em. Your friends and neghbours are your support network, she wants out she goes. If you move out ill come and find you an kick the man-ness back into you. Not saying you are a pussy, but you need to seek the advice of good men. Ignore most womens advice , most will be bend towards them. If you have to take advice from a women make sure she is on your side, even if she thinks you are at fault. you need support not guilt, 5th go to a marriage counselor. Go to one that will rip your soul from top to bottom and point out your faults and hers. Dont expect her to come, offer , then go on your won if she declines. Again you did the right thing. 6th After a few months, go an get laid... dont matter who or what , numb the pain. Preferably a close female friend that knows you and wants you. Dont use it against the EX..... 7th Take a vacation to a foreign land. If you are in USA goto Europe spain or Greece, Sweden , Ibiza . Yeah goto Ibiza this summer.. If Europe , come to the states California or Miami somewhere hot. 8th If the marriage is truly lost......!!!! this is a tuff one, I didnt do it and regret it. Cut her off complete, dont do "oohhhh lets stay friends"..... BS delete the phone #, drop the friends, the places, the music... This ones tuff, like a bad cut and band aid... rip off quick suffer the pain. 9th She will attempt to rekindle after the separation, give it say 6 to 12 months She will toy with you whilst she will be running around finding a man to have kids with, but realize they are all wankers and try to come back to you. 10 She maybe already playing around.... if so YOU CANNOT COMPETE WITH NEW. DONT EVEN TRY. DONT CONFRONT, DONT GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION Accept she is deceitful and let go. This means you become NEW. 11 After a year or three you are the new guy. Interesting and WOW If she was for you, it will happen. If not the next one will be even better than the last. you will be better for the experience and will have learned and be better equipped to be a better spouse. 12 Last get books on CD as you wont be able to concentrate to read. 7 habits of Effective people The four Agreements Awaken the giant within As many man self help books as possible Oh yeah a journal or tape recorder and get it all out of the system, Keep talking spill the guts cry every day mourn grieve. About me married 10 years, separated August 3rd 2005 (her suggestion temporary 30 days). I failed on points 1, 3 , 4. About to do #8 Planning #7 Number 11 will happen, but ill be better stronger, and NEW. Her new now will be old, and it will be too late ill be ahead and gone. We get better with age, they get wrinkled and fat. We in they lose. C U in Ibiza or California, Read the books and keep notes of your feelings. DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!!! NO MATTER WHAT!!!!!! Last dont worry about mum, she wants the best for you, so tell her first....
El-Producto Posted May 5, 2007 Posted May 5, 2007 Welcome PPS, sorry to see you here, but you aren't alone.. trust me. I guess I'll be the bearer of bad news today, but after reading your brief summary of your situation, there looks like there is a good chance that your wife has met someone else. I know that's not what you WANT to hear, but your wife's behavior is very indicative of a Wayward Spouse. Google marriagebuilders and look for wayward wife, or wayward spouse. You can also read my situation which is somewhat similar to yours. You still have a small chance to reconcile your marriage, but it's going to take a lot of work. You don't have kids, and you haven't been married that long.. so you have to decide if it's worth it. Because chances are you won't be able to change what she's done. Your best bet is to google marriagebuilders, and read up on infidelity, etc. If she hasn't had an affair, you need to attend joint counselling with a marriage focused counselor. Good luck, and post often.. there are lots of people here who can help. Sometimes you just need reassurance that what you are going through is unfortunately all to common, and that you aren't alone. Take care of yourself, get sleep, eat, exercise.
Cardinal64 Posted May 10, 2007 Posted May 10, 2007 Hi PPS. If its any consolation - you are definitely and most certainly not the only husband going through the pain of a wife's infidelity - and unfortunately - you are not the last. Reading your post - its like I was reading my own situation. My wife said she wanted her "freedom" last year around this time - after 6 years of marriage - one child - a 6 year old son - whom we both adore. She also told me that she did not love as me as before. I can't tell you how much those words hurt me. I thought that our marriage was solid compared to others. Yes, we had our problems - like every couple - but nothing that I thoiught we couldn't work through. But when many people told me - including - some of my wife's own family - that she was seeing someone younger guy on the side - and when I read her romantic text messages on her cell phone to this guy - that pretty much opened my eyes. My trust in her died just reading her words..it was like my heart got ripped in two. I would not wish that feeling on anyone. I ended up losing a lot of weight from the stress when I realized that the woman I married and loved with all my heart - had been replaced with someone who - after she told me she wanted out of the marriage - showed me zero affection . I suppose it was her way of slowly pushing me out of her life. It was a very cruel thing to do - I would never have done that to her. Since I moved out of the house - over 4 months ago - ( it was hers - she had it built before we were married ) the only real role or importance I play in her life is that of baby sitter for our son a 2-3 days a week. And every other weekend. We are in the process of divorcing. But I still at times get very depressed and sad when I think back of the good times we shared together as a couple and as a family. This was the woman I wanted to spend my entire life with . Now I have to start all over from scratch. Just so damned unfair ..I never cheated on her, always did my fair share of the household chores ( cleaning, washing clothes, cooking etc.. ) , taking care of our son . Simply put - I tried to be the best husband I could be to her. I did my best to show her as much affection and love I possibly could. But after a while I realized her heart was with someone else. Thats what really killed me inside. Anyway PPS .. stay strong. We're all in the same boat it seems. [sIZE=4] [/sIZE][sIZE=4] [/sIZE][sIZE=4] [/sIZE]
Author PPS Posted May 11, 2007 Author Posted May 11, 2007 I would like to thank everyone here for your support. Just a little background information. I'm from Melbourne, Australia. Wife's from Taiwan. Her family is in Taiwan, she has an Aunty in Melbourne. We met during our years at university and and throughout these years we've got along really well. It probably been 6 years we've been together now. She's came from a really traditional Chinese family and our wedding was huge... My family and 3 of my good mates went along to Taiwan with me for my wedding and everyone spent alot of money for our big wedding. I'm a flight attendant so I go away for up to 6 days. I like love my job and this job also give me some time away from the wife and also give the wife her own time. Tell you the truth, we haven't had sex for 3 months. she's refused me everytime I asked. I understand that when one partner gives up, its very difficult to try to repair, and even if you try to repair the wounds. It will not fully heal, because the scars will remain there for a long time. Each time I think about my wife leaving. Tears come to my eyes. But I thought it over. If it is to happen. I will accept it and move on. I don't think she's seeing anyone else because I've checked her phone and don't see any evidence, or maybe she's a very smart woman and has destroyed it. Pay it Forward - Thanks for you advice and lengthy post. When the time is right, I will talk to mum about this. I've already told my best mate and he was speechless but very supportive. I took alot of days off work because I didn't want to go to work with people wondering why I have tears in my eyes. But now I understand that my career is important and I will not let this stand in the way. In the end if things really do not work out, I will move out. We're renting. We were looking for a place to buy but those plans are now scrapped. However I bought most of the stuff in the apartment but she can have them because I don't want the memories of taking the things we bought together. And staying here will definitely give me all the memories I don't want. Yes, I will take time away, and Ibiza sound good. I've never been to those kind of parties. I'm sorry to hear about your story. However I'm really happy to see that you're good and you know which direction you're heading. Well done mate. One Step Back - I feel for you dude. Each day does get better. It will take time and it will heal. Keep in there and be strong. Cry it all out. I found out that after crying it all out, you feel a little bit better and alittle bit helps. El- Producto - Thanks mate. I've thought about counselling and I've also mentioned it to the wife that both of us should go. But she refuses to go and asked me not to mention counselling again. But I will go if things get worse. I been watching Dr. Phil (yes, Dr. Phil is on Australian television) and I've learnt quite alot of him. I've learnt that you can do more with life and a marriage breakdown is not the end of the world. There are still lots of opportunities out there. Cardinal64 - you have a 6 year old son. I'm sure you love him very much and not only will you take care of him, you will teach him how to be grow up to me a good person and the meaning of life. I don't have any kids, but I guess we're pretty much in the same boat. I still try to figure out and wonder what did I do wrong and why did she change. But I could never find out the answer to this question. I still wonder. I've also lost a bit or weight but i'm happy about it because my belly and waist line is smaller. But I really do feel for you, because its the worst feeling ever when you find out that you're replaced by another man. Stay in there, be strong. You're 6 year old kid will help you get out of this. In the end if things come to worst. I think I will know how to handle it. Thanks to everyone on this forum and stories I have read from other people. I will keep you all informed. Ibiza does sound like a fun place. LOL...
ilmw Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Welcome PPS to LS To bad it is under these circumstances.. You have been given some great advise already.. so I don't have much to add. But.. do keep posting.. I used it to vent.. and journal.. I sometimes go back a few months and see where I was... and am now. These is not an easy time... but it does get easier.. maybe not happier.. but you do get used to the loneliness ... Now is the time to rediscover yourself.... get to truly know you. Pay it forward made some good suggestions... Read lots of books.. read lots of posts on here... take the advise.. because you get lots... and lots of support. And... Stand up tall.. if you are not proud of you... get proud... go do something you have always wanted to do.... and do it... In time.. things will change for you.. in you and around you.. and in closing... You can do nothing to change your wife's mind.. NOTHING.. once you get that truly locked down in your mind... you will have an easier time.. focusing on you. ilmw
princess75 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Hello, Interestingly I married June 2006. I am now facing divorce myself.... Dont want to talk about it, but it can happen to men and woman equally...what to do..no idea, hanging in there, move one? Hope? Do I want hope? Do I want? I want family, he said he doesnt...great for woman ego. He says I sleep around, I am faithful as God only knows.... What to do? NOthing....patience, cry till you forget and tHANK god I have a GREAT JOB, I HAVE MY OWN PLACE AND I HAVE GREAT SUPPORT> Anger..no!!!! Forginveness, and forget...too little did I know aobut him to ruin my life for him.... If he is for me? Later...maybe, after I REFOCUS MYSELF. Someon else? MAYBE After I refocuse myself... THEN< WHAT HAPPPENED TO TRUE LOVE?
princess75 Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 Hello, Interestingly I married June 2006. I am now facing divorce myself.... Dont want to talk about it, but it can happen to men and woman equally...what to do..no idea, hanging in there, move on? Hope? Do I want hope? Do I want? I want family, he said he doesnt...great for woman ego. He says I sleep around, I am faithful as God only knows.... What to do? NOthing....patience, cry till you forget and tHANK god I have a GREAT JOB, I HAVE MY OWN PLACE AND I HAVE GREAT SUPPORT>family and friends Anger..no!!!! Forginveness, and forget...too little did I know about him to ruin my life for him.... If he is for me? Later...maybe, after I REFOCUS MYSELF. Someone else? MAYBE After I refocuse myself... THEN< WHAT HAPPPENED TO TRUE LOVE?
Jinxx Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 2nd go to your Doctor and get some Zanix to quench the know in your stomach and relive anxiety so you can sleep and work, dont over do it and get hooked or ill kick your ass. 4th DO NOT !!!! Move Out. I dont give a rats ass who owns the place. She wants out, she moves out. Ignore most womens advice , most will be bend towards them. If you have to take advice from a women make sure she is on your side, even if she thinks you are at fault. you need support not guilt, 5th go to a marriage counselor. Go to one that will rip your soul from top to bottom and point out your faults and hers. Dont expect her to come, offer , then go on your won if she declines. Again you did the right thing. Zanix -- you mean Xanax. Yes get some of that as well as Ambien. It helps. And have to agree with not moving out. DON'T LEAVE. As much as you might want to -- DON'T DO IT. This coming from a woman so don't ignore all women. The marriage counselor is good idea. It will help clear your head. Good luck to you.
sumdude Posted May 11, 2007 Posted May 11, 2007 I would add starting a pretty hard core excercise regimen to the list. It's put all that anger and nervous energy to work. Helps you sleep and has great side effects compared to Xanax. After a few months you'll be looking great and ready to be appreciated by the opposite sex!
geneboy73 Posted May 12, 2007 Posted May 12, 2007 PPS, Hey man. You got some good advice. Hang in there. Try for a while, see what happens and then decide what to do. U got some GREAT advice and I am going to try to use the same words of wisdom. I am in the same boat my friend. She's not seeking divorce or cheating, but things are odd and I can't even touch my wife in a sexual way for fear of a fight. It hurts to feel this way and it hurts to hear their words that make u feel rejected. My advice to you, right now please do NOT over analyze it. I DID and it made my first few months of this stuff awful. I lost sleep and productivity (at new job too) while my wife slept like a baby and enjoyed her life. Do things that make u feel good. Exercise, read, get out of the house and hang with the guys. I have few solid guy friends I can count on right now. Make it tough to do stuff. Stay focused on YOU. Please do not beat yourself up thinking "what did I do wrong". Chance are you did what was right and she has issues. Think about that. You and I are about the same age and about the same state of mind and we are hearing similar things. I am not leaving nor is she, but we ain't the happy couple we were. We are good when we are constantly on the go and having fun. But the fun and games dont last and the fights break out over household chores and he lack of affection I need. Work on you. Don't chase. Don't beg. Don't keep bringing up the positives to her. Just be who you are. If she sees that in you and gets close to you, great, see what happens. This is what I a doing. If it does nothing in the end, I will leave and find the one who is out there dreaming of meeting a guy like me and a guy like you. Be strong. I wish I could practice what I am preaching all the time, but I am trying to stick to this game plan. You are not too old to begin again. I know it's scary. Go for a walk. Look at all the pretty girls out there. One of them might be the next one for you. You (and I) will both know when enough is enough. I'll be here for ya if you wanna talk.
Billy Bob Posted May 23, 2007 Posted May 23, 2007 I too was married to an asian gal from a different culture, met her at school when I was 21. Never again! My next wife will be 100% American, raised watching the same TV shows. Unfortunately you don't realize the differences in culture and how they contribute to the breakdown of the marriage. But... If you want her back.. and this is probably an impossible act, but probably the only way.. You need to move on with your life like her leaving doesn't even phase you. No groveling, no love notes, no pleading, no ILUs. Don't be nasty, just be indiffereent like you don't want her. Get yourself a new girlfriend. Tell her not to let the door hit her in the ass on the way out!
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