My MM, his W and my BF, what's MM's intentions?

[AFarAwayPlace]

This has been eating away at me for awhile now and I'd like to get some feedback on my situation. I've been so greatful to have found LS, reading a lot of the threads has helped me, now I want to share my situation.

 

I am common-law married. I have been with my boyfriend 12 years this June and living together for 11 of those. We've been together since he was 15 and me 17. We don't have children. While dating, my mother did not like my boyfriend, would never say why, she and I fought a lot and I ended up moving out and in with him. Please note my mother has done this to 2 of my other siblings, my parents don't speak to any of us, they're weird that way. All I have is a younger brother to talk to, no friends.

 

Ok, well my boyfriend I cannot talk to, he shows no affection and I have generally not been happy with him for about 7 years, we've discussed this, but nothing changes. I don't have any place to go, and he really doesn't want me to leave so we stay together.

 

A major reason of the space between my BF and me is he is obsessed with online porn. He also will go out with buddies and do whatever he wants with girls, we can talk, so he at least tells me of the girls and I'll chuckle cause I know if I react as in the past, upset, hurt, it gets me nowhere, yes I have become passive and he can do whatever.

 

I work online, and over a year ago met a MM online at a forum we frequent, we have been having an EA for a year or so, we never met, only spoke once on the phone, it's mostly email or posting on forums together.

 

My MM is 29, married 10 years and together with her for 12 years, they have one child, an 8 y/o. Initally, due to a post he made, I thought he was happily married. After much chatting in email, we became closer but to me it was just friends. He then saw me making new friends, male friends, also in forums we frequent and one took an interest in me. Well MM flipped out. He felt rejected, though I didn't even know he was interested. After much chasing after me, begging and pleading and showering attention on me, I fell for him.

 

I am aware part of the reason I fell is because I long for my boyfriend to give me attention, I do need it, and affection, but he gives me neither.

 

MM never promised me anything, he said he didn't want to make guarantee's when he didn't know he could fulfill them. He told me he and his W drank a lot but because of me, he's stopped drinking, smoking, and got in shape, I saw him go from overweight to muscle man. Due to this he always calls me his hero, says I saved him, though I feel he did that all himself, meeting me caused it but I didn't do anything in my opinion to make him wanna quit. His W kept drinking, once in awhile he'd mention her drunken tirades to me.

 

Now I got very used to his showering me with attention, it was constant, all day emails, all up until last month, when his W found out about us.

 

She had found a site of his, saw a comment I left about her being a bad mom (cause he told me that) and she flipped, she then researched his username, and found a lot of stuff we said back and forth, she had already been suspicious before because of the one call we had, and a text I sent him, that she intercepted on his cell. She has also read his posts where he begs me to be his, calls me his soul mate, etc.

 

She keylogged him and basically has monitored him since. Of course he's told her his side and she wanted my side, she contacted me via email. I of course, cause I love him, covered for him as well. She and I ended up emailing a little back and forth with friendly chit chat, I got to see she's not this nut he made her out to be and that she's actually very nice, friendly, and intelligent. She's stopped drinking as well. So now that they gave up the old partying ways, they're both home all day running the online business, and she knows what he's up to etc cause she's online now too.

 

I've been fighting what to do. Initially he wanted me to wait for him, let her suspicions die down and we can continue, but this has left a sick feeling for me. Now that I've been in contact with his W and she's very nice and very real to me, I don't want to do this anymore but I still love him. I try to back off, even the other day telling him it was just lust, hoping this would help me by having him back off as well. But he got so upset, he even said horrible things about me to me. Which are still stinging me now. But like a wimp I went back and took back the lust comment and explained why I said it to begin with.

 

Due to me making the lust comment, it's been about 4 days since, he's backed off me, told me I make it hard to ever be together and that now he's even more unsure what he wants to do, basically putting all blame on me, yet due to my insecurities, which he knows about, I have just never been sure he loves me, and this whole saga now with her knowing and him suddenly out of my life, hurt me a lot and I couldn't bear it, it was a tough month, I found LS and read A LOT through my tears, about others stories, and it's basically helped me.

 

So now, he'll email about 2-3 times, if that, a day, but just "good morning" and "good night" nothing in between, I barely reply now but sometimes he seems to sulk, but if he gets a response, he gives nothing in return. The other night I was weak and wrote 4 long emails pouring out everything, and when he got up, I got a one-line reply and that's really when reality hit that I perhaps built him up and he's really nothing special at all.

 

I suppose what I need help with is this, what's his intentions? He, unfortunately, like so many of the MM stories here, told me he stays for the kid, but also cause he supports them, his W doesn't drive, they need him. He also did tell me from day one that even if we were together, he'd always love his wife, I am sure he stays for that reason too.

 

So, what was I? A piece on the side he was hoping to get and he's otherwise happy? I felt we both got with our SO's at a very young age and have grown and our wants and needs are different now. I felt we could one day start on a future however, I don't want to wait anymore, and I never felt jealous about her and now I do and don't need that pain either.

 

When I do back off, he's horrible, he told me I am a cold and heartless B****. Yet I was only doing it cause I am hurting and don't want to be #2, waiting, etc.

[NoIDidn't]

I perhaps built him up and he's really nothing special at all.

 

 

Online affairs are a bad idea and usually involve a lot of lying from the major initiators.

 

He lied about his W's true personality. He has been presenting himself as this perfect little do-gooder H, but when you back off he attacks.

 

He is no prince. Throw him back, he's a frog.

[District]

both of those guys are no good. i hate that "no affection" crap. my bf/exbf ( i dont know yet... ha) is the same way. i cant tell if he's into me or not, if he's sorry or not, if he's happy or not...ect. its so fu*king annoying. and i hate guys who are obsessed with porn... that is just c*ap. that would annoy the hell out of me too. as for your internet guy.... dont do it, i dont believe in internet relationship... the just dont work and only bring more drama. besides that guy is married w/ kids. you dont want to deal with another woman's kids.. youre too young for that. besides this guy seems shady.

 

clean the slate and start new.

[AFarAwayPlace]

Online affairs are a bad idea and usually involve a lot of lying from the major initiators.

 

He lied about his W's true personality. He has been presenting himself as this perfect little do-gooder H, but when you back off he attacks.

 

He is no prince. Throw him back, he's a frog.

Thanks for replying, NoIDidn't. I am starting to see this now, I am fighting it cause I guess I want to believe in this sweet side he'd shown for a year.

 

both of those guys are no good. i hate that "no affection" crap. my bf/exbf ( i dont know yet... ha) is the same way. i cant tell if he's into me or not, if he's sorry or not, if he's happy or not...ect. its so fu*king annoying. and i hate guys who are obsessed with porn... that is just c*ap. that would annoy the hell out of me too. as for your internet guy.... dont do it, i dont believe in internet relationship... the just dont work and only bring more drama. besides that guy is married w/ kids. you dont want to deal with another woman's kids.. youre too young for that. besides this guy seems shady.

 

clean the slate and start new.

Thanks District. Well I've been doing it over a year and it was basically ok cause I believed all the stuff he was telling me, now I don't know what to think. I've seen his W posting at a support forum, she doesn't speak bad about him, so it seems they were actually fine, I asked him why he came after me, why he did this to her, why he stays, he doesn't answer. Would be nice to hear some form of answer out of him.

[sb129]

I think you should get out of the EA now while it is still only emails etc.

be grateful it didn't turn into a full blown affair and bring with it all the heartache and pain that can accompany them.

 

Leave them to their marriage, and try and work on your own R. If your R isn't fulfilling you, then you need to address that with your partner, and if you can't work it out, you need to consider leaving yourself, so you can start afresh.

[Guest]

Thanks District. Well I've been doing it over a year and it was basically ok cause I believed all the stuff he was telling me, now I don't know what to think. I've seen his W posting at a support forum, she doesn't speak bad about him, so it seems they were actually fine, I asked him why he came after me, why he did this to her, why he stays, he doesn't answer. Would be nice to hear some form of answer out of him.

He doesn't answer because there is no good answer to bring forth.

 

You, however, have your answer.

[torranceshipman]

Hey farawayplace, you hit the nail on the head when you said this:

 

'The other night I was weak and wrote 4 long emails pouring out everything, and when he got up, I got a one-line reply and that's really when reality hit that I perhaps built him up and he's really nothing special at all.'

 

You've seen the situation for what it is and he is bad, bad news, so now is the time to get the MM out of your life. I'm personally a fan of total honesty so I would also suggest telling the W what has really been going on as well, as she doesn't deserve to be lied to either-she sounds like a nice woman (but not everyone agrees with that approach because it causes a lot of stress!-do what is best for you).

 

Your boyfriend sounds like he's disrespectful too, and you deserve WAY way better than both of them. I know it'd be a big change but I were you, I'd start putting things in place to allow you to leave the boyfriend (as well as the MM). Especially as you 2 don't have kids-get out now while there are no real ties, and find a wonderful man and a bunch of friends who recognise what a cool person you really are.

 

Good luck, you deserve to be way happier than this (-:

[AFarAwayPlace]

I think you should get out of the EA now while it is still only emails etc.

be grateful it didn't turn into a full blown affair and bring with it all the heartache and pain that can accompany them.

 

Leave them to their marriage, and try and work on your own R. If your R isn't fulfilling you, then you need to address that with your partner, and if you can't work it out, you need to consider leaving yourself, so you can start afresh.

Thanks for the reply and advice. I am definitely glad it was only EA, I am longing for him enough as is, I just can't understand how he pursued me and was practically obsessed, then drops me like a hot potato.

Hey farawayplace, you hit the nail on the head when you said this:

 

'The other night I was weak and wrote 4 long emails pouring out everything, and when he got up, I got a one-line reply and that's really when reality hit that I perhaps built him up and he's really nothing special at all.'

 

You've seen the situation for what it is and he is bad, bad news, so now is the time to get the MM out of your life. I'm personally a fan of total honesty so I would also suggest telling the W what has really been going on as well, as she doesn't deserve to be lied to either-she sounds like a nice woman (but not everyone agrees with that approach because it causes a lot of stress!-do what is best for you).

 

Your boyfriend sounds like he's disrespectful too, and you deserve WAY way better than both of them. I know it'd be a big change but I were you, I'd start putting things in place to allow you to leave the boyfriend (as well as the MM). Especially as you 2 don't have kids-get out now while there are no real ties, and find a wonderful man and a bunch of friends who recognise what a cool person you really are.

 

Good luck, you deserve to be way happier than this (-:

torranceshipman, thanks very much. My boyfriend can't seem to comprehend boundaries, I feel cause he was with me so young he hasn't experienced life enough to see that what he's doing is wrong, that's why I feel breaking up would benefit both of us, so he and I both can learn. I don't want to tell his W cause I fear him telling my BF, and I fear my BF getting violent cause he's been in the past with me.

[Seen_It_All]

FarAway, it sounds as though you need a healthy dose of self esteem. Your current situation with your BF has completely sucked your soul dry. He's now to the point where he can do whatever he wants with other women - then BRAG to you about it and you've conditioned yourself to actually smile at him while he tells you about it.

 

That's obviously not working for you NOR should it work for you.

 

You say you have nowhere to go. You know that's not true. I'm sure there are lots of places you can rent where you live - apartments, duplexes, etc. etc. You're not trapped in this life of Purgatory with your sex addict boyfriend for the rest of your natural life. You CHOOSE to stay in Purgatory with him. You're doing yourself no favors.

 

If your online business isn't lucrative enough to support you living on your own, you should find a job outside the home and become financially independent so you can start making healthy CHOICES that are positive for you. Stop wasting your youth on a dysfunctional non-relationship with your BF. Do you honestly want to wake up one day at 40 and wonder what the he*ll HAPPENED to your life?

 

As far as your online Romeo, his type are a dime a dozen. No - a penny a dozen. I won't even log onto a chat program anymore because I'm FED UP with the married predators constantly hitting on me the second I turn the stupid thing on. It's not flattering - it's simply pitiful. These stupid a*sses all sit at their computers all night, chatting up women and living in some fantasy world while their wives are left to do the REAL work in the background. What a bunch of LOSERS - yours included. Tell him to get his lazy pathetic a*ss off the computer and actually CONTRIBUTE to his household like a working member of the family. There's just no respect in these idiots preying on lonely women and making LAME promises they know they're not going to keep. PATHETIC, each and every ONE of them.

 

So you basically had a pen pal friendship for a year with a lying sack of sh*t who asked YOU to lie to his wife for him when it all hit the fan. Yeah, Computer Boy's a real stand up kind of guy, ain't he? I can guarantee you that if you IMPROVE your life, you'll have no need to hang on to pathetic emails and pathetic chat boxes from some loser living in la-la land 1,000 miles away. And let me also guarantee you that when you DO start to live a full life in reality, this loser will STILL be sitting at his computer, preying on vulnerable women and living in fantasy land while his wife does the real work in the background. And he'll find another vulnerable female whose feeling neglected and start his bullsh*t with her, promising her a happily ever after while his wife vacuums under his feet and he minimizes the screen, pretending to read the news on MSN.

 

What a complete LOSER.

 

Seriously, FarAway - get your life in ORDER. Disentangle yourself from this non-relationship with your BF and move FORWARD. Leave the internet Lothario behind - he'll be fine. He'll have you replaced in no time at all with some other victim - you can BET on that. His type never wises up.

[NoIDidn't]

As far as your online Romeo, his type are a dime a dozen. No - a penny a dozen. I won't even log onto a chat program anymore because I'm FED UP with the married predators constantly hitting on me the second I turn the stupid thing on. It's not flattering - it's simply pitiful. These stupid a*sses all sit at their computers all night, chatting up women and living in some fantasy world while their wives are left to do the REAL work in the background. What a bunch of LOSERS - yours included. Tell him to get his lazy pathetic a*ss off the computer and actually CONTRIBUTE to his household like a working member of the family. There's just no respect in these idiots preying on lonely women and making LAME promises they know they're not going to keep. PATHETIC, each and every ONE of them.

 

So you basically had a pen pal friendship for a year with a lying sack of sh*t who asked YOU to lie to his wife for him when it all hit the fan. Yeah, Computer Boy's a real stand up kind of guy, ain't he? I can guarantee you that if you IMPROVE your life, you'll have no need to hang on to pathetic emails and pathetic chat boxes from some loser living in la-la land 1,000 miles away. And let me also guarantee you that when you DO start to live a full life in reality, this loser will STILL be sitting at his computer, preying on vulnerable women and living in fantasy land while his wife does the real work in the background. And he'll find another vulnerable female whose feeling neglected and start his bullsh*t with her, promising her a happily ever after while his wife vacuums under his feet and he minimizes the screen, pretending to read the news on MSN.

 

What a complete LOSER.

 

Leave the internet Lothario behind - he'll be fine. He'll have you replaced in no time at all with some other victim - you can BET on that. His type never wises up.

 

 

...that I love you! You rock!

[whichwayisup]

You and the MM online are fantasy....It's all based on fantasy, it's not real. He makes you feel, and because of that you think you love him. The reality is, you need to fix your REAL life, not your online life.

 

Ok, well my boyfriend I cannot talk to, he shows no affection and I have generally not been happy with him for about 7 years, we've discussed this, but nothing changes. I don't have any place to go, and he really doesn't want me to leave so we stay together.

 

That is not a reason to stay together. You are unhappy, you two have issues that need to be sorted out and if they cannot be fixed, the relationship should end. Staying with him because you have nowhere else to go is not a reason to stay there. And not a reason to continue a relationship either.

[Ladyjane14]

FarAway, it sounds as though you need a healthy dose of self esteem. Your current situation with your BF has completely sucked your soul dry. He's now to the point where he can do whatever he wants with other women - then BRAG to you about it and you've conditioned yourself to actually smile at him while he tells you about it.

 

That's obviously not working for you NOR should it work for you.

 

You say you have nowhere to go. You know that's not true. I'm sure there are lots of places you can rent where you live - apartments, duplexes, etc. etc. You're not trapped in this life of Purgatory with your sex addict boyfriend for the rest of your natural life. You CHOOSE to stay in Purgatory with him. You're doing yourself no favors.

 

If your online business isn't lucrative enough to support you living on your own, you should find a job outside the home and become financially independent so you can start making healthy CHOICES that are positive for you. Stop wasting your youth on a dysfunctional non-relationship with your BF. Do you honestly want to wake up one day at 40 and wonder what the he*ll HAPPENED to your life?

 

As far as your online Romeo, his type are a dime a dozen. No - a penny a dozen. I won't even log onto a chat program anymore because I'm FED UP with the married predators constantly hitting on me the second I turn the stupid thing on. It's not flattering - it's simply pitiful. These stupid a*sses all sit at their computers all night, chatting up women and living in some fantasy world while their wives are left to do the REAL work in the background. What a bunch of LOSERS - yours included. Tell him to get his lazy pathetic a*ss off the computer and actually CONTRIBUTE to his household like a working member of the family. There's just no respect in these idiots preying on lonely women and making LAME promises they know they're not going to keep. PATHETIC, each and every ONE of them.

 

So you basically had a pen pal friendship for a year with a lying sack of sh*t who asked YOU to lie to his wife for him when it all hit the fan. Yeah, Computer Boy's a real stand up kind of guy, ain't he? I can guarantee you that if you IMPROVE your life, you'll have no need to hang on to pathetic emails and pathetic chat boxes from some loser living in la-la land 1,000 miles away. And let me also guarantee you that when you DO start to live a full life in reality, this loser will STILL be sitting at his computer, preying on vulnerable women and living in fantasy land while his wife does the real work in the background. And he'll find another vulnerable female whose feeling neglected and start his bullsh*t with her, promising her a happily ever after while his wife vacuums under his feet and he minimizes the screen, pretending to read the news on MSN.

 

What a complete LOSER.

 

Seriously, FarAway - get your life in ORDER. Disentangle yourself from this non-relationship with your BF and move FORWARD. Leave the internet Lothario behind - he'll be fine. He'll have you replaced in no time at all with some other victim - you can BET on that. His type never wises up.

 

I'm with NID... I just got goosebumps. :love:

[Ladyjane14]

Seriously... I've been there and done that from the wife's POV. Without intervention, these 'online guys' don't change.

 

The lure of online love is that people can present EXACTLY what they want you to see. And even so... this guy's TRUE COLORS are still bleeding through. Think about it.... Who the hell is he to get mad at you or call you a bitch???

 

If that's the best he can do when 'the sky is the limit' in terms of the kind of personality he shows, imagine what he must REALLY be like.

[GreenEyedLady]

I suppose what I need help with is this, what's his intentions?

 

If my reading comprehension hasn't failed me, it looks to me as if YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM?

 

His intentions are to keep you exactly where you are and feed his ego...why bother?

[NoIDidn't]

I'm with NID... I just got goosebumps. :love:

 

 

LJ

 

That post of Seen It's just made me swooooon. She was RIGHT on point. She usually is.

 

I think I love her.

 

[AFarAwayPlace]

Seen_It_All thanks for that, I am going to keep reading it over til it sinks in. I am just having such a hard time with it.

 

Seriously... I've been there and done that from the wife's POV. Without intervention, these 'online guys' don't change.

 

The lure of online love is that people can present EXACTLY what they want you to see. And even so... this guy's TRUE COLORS are still bleeding through. Think about it.... Who the hell is he to get mad at you or call you a bitch???

 

If that's the best he can do when 'the sky is the limit' in terms of the kind of personality he shows, imagine what he must REALLY be like.

I guess cause I was honest about myself and my life, to him, I just expected the same from him. I know to be wary but how it all progressed I really believed everything he said.

 

If my reading comprehension hasn't failed me, it looks to me as if YOU'VE NEVER MET HIM?

 

His intentions are to keep you exactly where you are and feed his ego...why bother?

Yes, we did not meet in person. You're right, I bother cause I am attached to him, I am trying my best to move on, this is really painful for me. Thanks everyone for the feedback and support.

[sb129]

I guess cause I was honest about myself and my life, to him, I just expected the same from him. I know to be wary but how it all progressed I really believed everything he said.

.

 

Unfortunately just because you are honest with someone, it doesn't automatically mean they will be honest with you. If they are a leachy loser type, it just gives them more ammo with which to suck you into their pathetic games.

 

SIA- another great post. I love you too.

[AFarAwayPlace]

My point was more so that there's got to be some that are honest, just tough to siphon them out.

[sb129]

Of course there are men out there that are honest!

 

But generally speaking if they are conducting an EA behind their wifes back, thats not really the best indication that they are an honest type.

[ComfyShoulder]

AFAWP, Life is short, we only have one chance in this life.

 

Sometimes you have to be selfish and think of yourself.

 

Forget the forum, and move on with your own life and career, ignore this MM by whatever methods possible. Change your email addresses, remove Private posting in the forums, your not going to get over him until you untie all links to him.

 

From your posts it looks to me like he just wants to use you, and get freebies.

[AFarAwayPlace]

CS, thanks, I do agree.

 

I have stopped going to that forum and I turned off pm's. I can't change my email, he has my business email, it's one I use for all clients, etc.

 

However, he and his W BOTH emailed me last night, her wanting to know more and him telling me I'll be happy to know I destroyed everything for him.

 

It's his own doing, not mine.

 

I am trying to get over these feelings, I literally feel sick, it's so hard to lose someone who meant so much and was such an integral part of my daily life. I don't even get it really.