polywog Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Hi all, I have posted copiously on another thread that is filled with all the gorey details, but long story short: He broke up with me in January after a 9yr LTR, lived with him in his house for 8 yrs, thought this was It. The dream. Made us a great home, got a great dog, had a lovely life, etc. I have been staying in a friend's apartment and have yet to find permanent housing, was not financially prepared for this, but that's life sometimes. Reckon I'll land on my feet as I have lots of caring friends and family. He started seeing someone right after the break up, a woman who sounds like a loser, and I have doubts that it will last. But who knows. Anyhow, the past week, after a week or so of feeling "together" I suddenly am flooded with the worst feelings that this break up is wrong, how can he not see that I am the greatest thing that ever happened to him, he's crazy to have broken up with me (his friends and family are shocked and can't believe he did it, and think the woman he is seeing is a dumb flake, which doesn't help me). He will come to his senses, of course, and we will get back together and all will be paradise Yes, I know. It's all out of my control. I am better of without him, etc. But despite the "wisdom" I have posted for others and all that, it's as if my heart cannot catch up with my head. It's rearing it's head and breaking me right now. I just can't accept that it's over. In my heart. Maybe in my soul. And this is corny, but I feel as if the house wants me back. Seriously, this is how I feel in my gut. It sucks. So, maybe this is just a rant, but if any of you have also had this awful phase, I'd love to hear from you. I don't like feeling crazy like this and can't figure myself out. It just sucks. Help, please.
2ndIINone Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 those feeling.... waves of emotions will come and go for weeks... months as long as there is NO contact at all. The distance makes both your mind race and believe it or not... his mind too. So long as you stay away. Focus on the negatives... I'm sure there were some. If not enough, then focus on the fact that he LEFT YOU FOR A FLAKE a week after the break up... you have to find something to do everytime the emotions start to take over... hobby.... shopping... dog walking.... etc... anything until the emotions fade off.
Author polywog Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Thanks, 2IIN, I think the problem is that we share the dog. So I see him sometimes. So NC is difficult. When I get a permanent home, I may take the dog, who we both love, but I take better care of, for a while. This occassional contact may be what's holding the process up. But I can't shake the deep feeling, for now, that I am meant to be with him in the house . This is a feeling I have had for about a week now, soldily, though of course it's been a feeling I have had off and on. I hate it. But thanks!
frd150 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Hey polywog, I do not know if you can pull any advice from this but here is where i am at. Here goes my rant... It has been two and a half months and I have been thru the constant physical pain, constant emotions ( i'm a guy who never used to cry) and weight loss just to name a few. You see she moved out on me due to us growing apart emotionally due to both of us getting busy with our careers I always loved and still do love her but she could not take that situation anymore. Long story you can read in coping under lonely regretful hurting should have done more. I originally posterd as guest. Now i am in the mad stage. I am putting forth the effort that she has told people she wants to see out of me but she but it seems not to be enough to prove my love. What else do i need to do??? It sucks because have realized what the problems were and learned alot but the frustrating part is she still has the attitude of you cannot teach an old dog new tricks. I think that this is just a way to stonewall me because she is not sure what she wants to do. Don't get me wrong I LOVE HER with all my heart. I was going to marry her I even have the ring:( . How can someone throw us away like this?? I was always taught to never quite, to put fourth your best effort. My mistake was working my A** off in order to build a foundation for us and it backfired. You built a home for him and tried to make him happy . uhhhg! Within the last two months I have lost two friends to tragic sudden accidents and I keep thinking about how short life is and the situation we are in. I mean all you have to do is watch the news. Our time is never promised and it is being wasted on games. All of our friends/family are also baffeled. They see how sincere i am, relay it to her but it still is not enough she needs to see more. I am starting to feel that doormat thing people keep telling me about. I have been better it the last week or so but this morning i woke up missing her horribly and the pain that i felt at the start was there. I know it will pass in fact it it is passing as i type. This is all still so surreal to me. Sorry for jacking your thread for my own rant but maybe you can take comfort knowing that there is someone out there who is feeling it to. We will continue to heal and we will be better and smarter if they come back or more prepaired for our next relationships.
Icantletgo Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Dear Poly, I feel the same way. I am on NC day 4 right now. There are moments of hope and excitement cause I can finally start a new chapter in my life. But there are times when i can't breathe or even move cause I miss him so much. But we really miss what COULD have been... NC is the best way to go. This is the best for us. Just think about months later...how strong we'll be and ready we'll be for the next thing.
Author polywog Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Thanks, guys. I Know it's a roller coaster. I hate it. No worries about thread-jacking here, I sort of expect it. We are all in the same boat, after all. LS is good for that. Maybe tomorrow I/we will feel better, but for me it's just one of those weeks. Thanks you all :bunny: We will get through this! I hope! I am so stubborn, I hate it!
pricillia Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Polywog... Just a few questions... You mentioned seeing the dog how are your visits w/him and how does he treat you? Is there anyone elses that peaks your interest? What do you do to keep yourself busy from constantly thinking about him(I know it must be hard) I do not know your whole story... In a nut shell why did you break up, did he cheat on you? Next time you go to see the dog you should bring a date... just kidding
Author polywog Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Polywog... Just a few questions... You mentioned seeing the dog how are your visits w/him and how does he treat you? Is there anyone elses that peaks your interest? What do you do to keep yourself busy from constantly thinking about him(I know it must be hard) I do not know your whole story... In a nut shell why did you break up, did he cheat on you? Next time you go to see the dog you should bring a date... just kidding He is courteous. If his friends, who like me and are appalled are around, he is friendly. I have tried to see another guy (very gorgeous and accomplished) but it just isn't right for me yet. Give me another week or so, that may change But the truth is, it's only been a little over three months after a long LTR so I find myself not ready yet... even for plain ol'sex! In a nutshell, he broke up because he "was never in love with me" , he says (I don't believe that). He began seeing the woman he sees now about a week after we split. He always complained about "my weight", saying I was too heavy; I am 5'4" 120 lbs! Never had a problem attracting men, I am attractive, and he was lusting after me himself until the break up. Just an excuse. I think it's possible that he met the flakey woman before we split (I am sure she is skinny) and he wanted out. But I don't think he cheated on me while we were a couple. He was fat as a kid and has his own issues around wieght that are unrealistic. He projects this onto women in his life, from what I see. His wife (who he is still married to after not seeing her for 10 years, another issue) was bulemic. And his own weight goes up and down (I only ever noticed becasue of his comments). Anyhow, that's the abrieviated version of the picture.
frd150 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114468/ Hey polywog i found the thread.^ Since there are some regulars on this thread (polywog 2ndIInone,icantletgo) i have a question. If you read my op it may help you answer. My op was under guest originally. I will try and keep it as short as possible. I was strong and confident until yesterday but today i am so depressed. Today she is going to a b ball game with family and family friends that i care for a great deal. Last night she went to a function with those same people. She is having so much fun with them and i know she knows i am bothered since i also hung with this group when we were together at the same time she was quite interested in what i did last night. She seems happy on the phone but when she is with her best friend she professes how sad she is and how she thinks I am forgetting about her. I have met up with her a couple of times recently and both times out of the blue she brings up sentimental stuff pictures ETC. Ok here is the kicker, I did not want to reaveal this in my earlire posts thiss week but i think (according to a nurse practitioner friend) it is relevant. During our relationship she was diagnosed with some thyroid and hormone problems for wich she was perscribed meds. About six months ago she went off of hormones for a couple of reasons. It messed with her stomach and so on. Her levels were ok for her to do this. But it was about that time when things started to change a little. I am not blaming everthing because it takes two to tango. Fast forward to monday. She had decided that she had not been feeling her best for the last few months so she decided to go and get re tested. Well, her hormone levels were extremely off worse than before. She is back on the meds and she has also been put on a strict diet. The other thing that she knows is that she is at a greater risk for cancer as well as she may have problems having children. "For better or for worse in sickness and in health". I would take her with one arm one leg and an eyepatch Arrg:laugh: . Seriously none of those things matter. I am in love with her soul not her body ,well her body is nice to. Could this be a factor like others have said? Since i am not a women i do not think i could possibbly understand but it seems she is all over the place it seems like a logical explanation. I was so bad today that i had to break out the ativan (havent used it in three and a half weeks) that was perscribed to me a month and a half ago for axiety. Hopefully this is a temporary low. If i lost any of you click on the above link. It should help. Thanks for letting me post here polywog. I appreciat any insight.
frd150 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t114468/ Hey polywog i found the thread.^ Since there are some regulars on this thread (polywog 2ndIInone,icantletgo) i have a question. If you read my op it may help you answer. My op was under guest originally. I will try and keep it as short as possible. I was strong and confident until yesterday but today i am so depressed. Today she is going to a b ball game with family and family friends that i care for a great deal. Last night she went to a function with those same people. She is having so much fun with them and i know she knows i am bothered since i also hung with this group when we were together at the same time she was quite interested in what i did last night. She seems happy on the phone but when she is with her best friend she professes how sad she is and how she thinks I am forgetting about her. I have met up with her a couple of times recently and both times out of the blue she brings up sentimental stuff pictures ETC. Ok here is the kicker, I did not want to reaveal this in my earlire posts thiss week but i think (according to a nurse practitioner friend) it is relevant. During our relationship she was diagnosed with some thyroid and hormone problems for wich she was perscribed meds. About six months ago she went off of hormones for a couple of reasons. It messed with her stomach and so on. Her levels were ok for her to do this. But it was about that time when things started to change a little. I am not blaming everthing because it takes two to tango. Fast forward to monday. She had decided that she had not been feeling her best for the last few months so she decided to go and get re tested. Well, her hormone levels were extremely off worse than before. She is back on the meds and she has also been put on a strict diet. The other thing that she knows is that she is at a greater risk for cancer as well as she may have problems having children. "For better or for worse in sickness and in health". I would take her with one arm one leg and an eyepatch Arrg:laugh: . Seriously none of those things matter. I am in love with her soul not her body ,well her body is nice to. Could this be a factor like others have said? Since i am not a women i do not think i could possibbly understand but it seems she is all over the place it seems like a logical explanation. It was so bad today that i had to break out the ativan (havent used it in three and a half weeks) that was perscribed to be a month and a half ago for axiety. Hopefully this is a temporary low. If i lost any of you click on the above link. It should help. Thanks for letting me post here polywog. I appreciat any insight.
Author polywog Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Whoah my dear! I don't know if I meant for you to turn it into your thread! But you are in pain, so OK. All I can say for you is to give her space, though as you know from reading my pathetic post, it hurts like h*ll when you can't believe that someone you love so much just turns away. NC, dear, so you can heal. Now if I can only follow my own advice about the pain, etc...
frd150 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 Sorry polywog. I just saw good people here. they seem to gravitate to your posts. Yeah since i have found out the new info i have increased the space but not without letting her know. Thanks Me and my bad l/s edicate. cocktails on me:D 5'4" and 120 and he thought you were fat. Wahhh? my girl is also 5'4"120 and i was trying to convice her that she was not fat.
Author polywog Posted April 22, 2007 Author Posted April 22, 2007 Sorry polywog. I just saw good people here. they seem to gravitate to your posts. Yeah since i have found out the new info i have increased the space but not without letting her know. Thanks Me and my bad l/s edicate. cocktails on me:D 5'4" and 120 and he thought you were fat. Wahhh? my girl is also 5'4"120 and i was trying to convice her that she was not fat. That's OK, sweetie. I don't want you to feel ashamed! I'll take you up on a cyber-cocktail, and buy you one, too. Anyhow, you had lots of these good people on your thread, too! LS is great for that. End of love is just, well, painful and confounding. But a chance to grow. We just have to slog through the painful parts, unfortunately. And what's nice is that we have this place to post all our angst. Take care of yourself, frd.150
frd150 Posted April 22, 2007 Posted April 22, 2007 you to polywog. I will keep an eye out for your posts but i promise i will stick to the subject. Just a bad day is all.
Author polywog Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 you to polywog. I will keep an eye out for your posts but i promise i will stick to the subject. Just a bad day is all. I know, maybe it's in the stars. Here's a toast (cyber-cocktails) *clink* to better days for us!
pricillia Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 PW... I hope that you do give the other guy a chance, but you are like me (I think) you can not move on until your emotional attachment is compatmentalized. The more that you talk about it the better it is for you iron out those kinks and you will come out on top and move on. another question( if you don't get it that is alright) Do you love that dirty water?
Author polywog Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 PW... I hope that you do give the other guy a chance, but you are like me (I think) you can not move on until your emotional attachment is compatmentalized. The more that you talk about it the better it is for you iron out those kinks and you will come out on top and move on. another question( if you don't get it that is alright) Do you love that dirty water? I don't get it, but long to know what you mean! Please!
pricillia Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 I don't get it, but long to know what you mean! Please! it is part of a song and I thought that maybe we had that in common
Author polywog Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 it is part of a song and I thought that maybe we had that in common Oh, that sounds familiar. Geez, I am trying to recall it. Who did it??? Isn't that the title?
Author polywog Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 Down by the River... Down by the banks of the River Charles (Oh, that's what's happenin' baby) That's where you'll find me Along with lovers, fuggers, and thieves. (Ahh, but they're cool people) I love that dirty water 'Oh oh, Boston, you're my home Yes! Now I remember it!
pricillia Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Down by the River... Down by the banks of the River Charles (Oh, that's what's happenin' baby) That's where you'll find me Along with lovers, fuggers, and thieves. (Ahh, but they're cool people) I love that dirty water 'Oh oh, Boston, you're my home Yes! Now I remember it! :bunny:
RecordProducer Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 my heart cannot catch up with my head. You mean you didn't get over him within 24 hours, remained stable and cheerful like the rest of us? Don't tell me you even cried or anything like that, cuz that would really make you weird! The first step toward healing is to understand that it just has to hurt for a while. It might take longer than you think. Getting back on your feet financially and socially is the eternal taboo, that nobody wants to talk about. Being tough is our defense mechanism. We take a deep breath and try to hold it inside until we burst; but you can only hold your breath for so many minutes. You're falling apart and the effort to mend the broken pieces of yourself becomes frustrating when you see that it takes so long to pick up one piece from the floor, while a hundred others fall on the ground uncontrollably. The hope that we'll get back together seems like the only mental outlet from the misery. Think of it as a surgery; a day or a week after the procedure, you can barely stand up, walk, go to the bathroom, cough, eat or even breathe. But a year later, you're like new and happy that the surgery fixed your health problem. Whether it lasted two years or nine years, whether you're young or old, attractive or not, have kids with him, with someone else or not at all, have a support group around you or not... it's equally difficult for everyone. We all think our life is over, we'll never recover, we'll never love again, and any option other than resurrecting the relationship is agonizingly unthinkable. Luckily, this lasts for a year or two only and as time goes by, it gets easier and easier. You slowly start seeing the wrongs in the relationship, accept the fact that it's over, discover details that you never knew, remember things that you never paid attention to in the past, but should have... What I guarantee you is that you WILL get over and this won't last forever. What seems like a bad dream right now (being homeless, alone, broke, etc.) will be taken care of. Take one step at a time. Indulge your pain and cry. Pretending that you're tough and wise will only make you stiff, not tough. Think of this end as a new beginning. You will love and be loved again. Think of the future, not the past. I knew a couple that was together for 8 years. She told me he was Mr. Right, the best catch she could ever have, the love of her life, and the wedding day was just a matter of finding the right moment... Little did she know what was going on in his life, head, and heart! What he told me was quite different: he was in love with her and faithful in the first 5-6 years. Then he started cheating on her with numerous girls and constantly bragged about it when she was not around. When he met a very wealthy girl, who happened to fall in love with him, he dated both girls at the same time for a couple months. Finally, he broke up with the fiancée, leaving her in complete shock. He married the rich girl a year later. What happened to his ex-fiancée, I don't know. My point is that there's more to this love story than you know. You broke up for a reason. He wasn't fair about the breakup in many aspects: the reason he gave you, the details that followed, and most of all, the fact that the other girl moved in practically before you moved out. It took you a year to move in with him. Why do you think that he met some girl and decided to live with her after a month or two? Take those rosy glasses off and see him for who he really is. He wasn't honest or fair to you. And those two are good enough reasons to write him off and let your heart heal in peace.
Author polywog Posted April 23, 2007 Author Posted April 23, 2007 WOW, RP. That's one of the best most helpful posts ever. Thanks so much. I think you described the healing process in way that describes exactly where I am right now when you talk about the hundreds of pieces. It validated all the awful feelings I am having right now, and gave me hope. Also what you said about longing for the ex as a way to get through the pain. Puts it in a new light for me. Thanks so much from the bottom of my broken little heart!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 23, 2007 Posted April 23, 2007 Good morning polywog, I really don't want to the person who kicks you when you're down, but I have to ask one question. Are you completely moved out yet? I had to ask as your cyber friend. My friends wallow in my pity right along with me for just so long, and then they pull me to my feet and insist that I start walking on my own perfectly capable two legs. It's time to get up and start walking again. I would carry/drag you out myself if I could. I would have taken you to your new place and packed up your belongings for you if that was what it took. I know your story well. I know your particular circumstances concerning moving out. Still I feel that the slow pace has kept you "stuck" in place for too long. I'm not sure if it was on one of your threads, but I used an analogy regarding band-aids and breakups. Ripping the band-aid off creates much pain, but it's short lived pain. Removing the band-aid slowly, pulling on each individual hair it clings to, is prolonging the pain and suffering. After all, the band-aid still has to be removed. How can you possibly move on and begin healing when you see him daily? I just don't see that it could be possible for me to cope in those circumstances. I do understand the reconciliation wishful thinking, but he can't miss you and all that you have brought to his life when you're still such a big part of it. I think it may have put him in shock mode had you been able to leave much sooner. A sudden cutting off of whats normal and comfortable is much harder to handle than a slow change of life as we know it. That slow change is what you may feel was necessary for you, but I think it hasn't helped ease you into your new situation at all. Maybe it has, I can't really know what's best for you. It just seems to be extending a very painful period for you from an outsider looking in point of view. I want so much for you to be in a more peaceful era. You CAN move on, I see your strength very clearly in many posts. You CAN move on, you CAN move on, you CAN move on......
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