My story (long)-- need some

[FireandIce]

I've been lurking here for quite awhile now but just started posting the other day. I have given tidbits of my story in a few threads but after last night I feel that I need some advice so I'll tell my story and then what happened last night and just see what you guys think. Yeah, advice from strangers online but hey, at least I could get some unbiased info. LOL

 

My husband and I were married 9 years ago but have been together for 11. When we got married (and through the dating period) everything was great. We had our first child shortly after and then things started to change a bit. We bought a house but soon afterwards we split up due to his drinking and me just not feeling appreciated. We were apart for almost 8 months before getting back together.

 

Things were going great and I got pregnant with our second child about a year later. During the pregnancy I gained A LOT of weight. I felt horrible about myself but my husband was always supportive and always told me how beautiful and sexy I was. He was always a very loving guy and desired me like no man I had ever met. Everything was okay for the first two years after our son was born and then it started falling apart (this was two years ago). I felt so rotten about how I looked (I had never been that heavy) so our sex life went in the toilet. He was always trying to touch me or initiate sex but I constantly rejected him. I had it in my head that he couldn't possibly want me looking the way I did and the only reason he complimented me was because he wanted sex. The more he tried the more I felt like I was right. Well the more I pushed him away the more rejected he felt. This went on for a very long time until last year when he just stopped trying. Well of course when this happened I instantly believed I was right the whole time and he didn't find me attractive. It was such a messy situation.

 

Anyways, he stopped paying the normal attention to me that he used to and it sent me into an even deeper depression about myself and how I looked. It was awful. **I just want to add that I have since worked on myself inside and out and I feel great. I have lost 30 pounds with 27 more to go so I am beginning to get my self esteem back.

 

Fast forward to just before Christmas. He just wasn't the same person I knew. He was cold, distant, just not the man I married. After Christmas I found out he lied to me about something (he went out and bought a high ticket item without discussing it with me) and I finally had enough (this was in January). I kicked him out and asked for a divorce. Well then I come to find out that he had been having an affair since last summer. It started out as an emotional one but turned into a physical affair in October or November. This "woman" (I use that term VERY loosely) had been pursuing him for about two years. She knew he was married and she never cared about that. She was constantly asking him to go out with her and he turned her down all of the time.......until last summer. The thing that angers me the most is the fact that she was dating one of his friends from work and we had them over one night. She kissed my ass the whole evening but then I find out she was after my husband (this was well over a year ago).

 

So we went to the lawyers and everything and then I finally confronted him about the affair. He admitted everything to me. I was very upset. Heartbroken actually. Even though we were separated I still loved him. His excuse for the affair was that he couldn't take anymore rejection from me and she gave him the attention that he craved. We had only had sex 5 times in 4 years. I know that isn't normal but with the way I was feeling about myself I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He said that the love we had just seemed gone and that's how he was able to do it. I never in a million years would have thought he'd cheat on me. I just didn't think he had it in him but I guess with my constant rejections he felt like he had no other choice. He felt like we were just "roommates" for a very long time.

 

Before he moved out he was still asking me for sex (something he hadn't done in quite awhile) but I turned him down. I was sooooooo angry that he would even suggest it but at that point he didn't know that I knew about the affair (he was here for 2 weeks after we split up and I found out about the affair a few days before he left but didn't confront him about it for weeks). While at the lawyers he asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this. I just glared at him because all I could think about was the fact that he had been with another woman. Again, he still didn't know that I knew.

 

So a couple of weeks after I confronted him about everything he had taken the kids somewhere and when they got back he was sitting watching some tv with me. Out of nowhere he says "I really miss this". I told him that he should have thought about that before he began an affair. He said that he missed me, the kids and just being home. He missed the friendship that we used to have (we were always best friends even when we were fighting). I didn't say much, I was so confused about the whole thing. On one hand I still loved him but on the other I was so angry so I didn't say a whole lot.

 

The next night he took the kids swimming, picked them up dinner and came back here. We sat and talked a bit (not about anything major) and then he had to go to work to finish something. I told him that I had rented some movies and if he wanted to come back later then he could (I wanted to talk more is what I really wanted). He said that he probably would and then he left. He called me when he was done and said that he would come over in a little bit. Well two hours later he still wasn't here so I called him. He was acting so strange and I just knew that she was there so I asked him and he said that yes, she was. I was sooooo angry and hurt! Why is he messing with my emotions like this? I told him that I'd talk to him on Tuesday (his regular night with the kids) and hung up. I sat here for a bit just full of hate, hurt, anger, confusion, every emotion. I called him back and gave him crap. I told him how dare he mess with my emotions like this! He had no right to do it! He said that he wanted to come over and talk but I told him that I wasn't waiting around for him anymore that night and was going to bed. Well he ended up coming here a little bit later.

 

We talked for hours. We did more talking that night than we had done in the last 4 years. We got everything out. He said that he had fully intended on coming right over but then she showed up. He had told her a couple of weeks before this that he felt he had screwed everything up and was really confused. He didn't know what he wanted is what he told her. She wanted him to move out of here and in with her right away but he had said no. She was very attached to him. That night when I called she was over there all upset because he still talked to me too much. He said that we had been together for 11 years and he just can't stop talking to me. We have kids, a family together and that's not going away. She basically wanted him to stop all contact between him and I (including contact with the kids) when he moved out.

 

Anyways, one thing led to another and he ended up spending the night. Then the next night. On the Saturday night I noticed a car pull up in front of my house, slow down to almost a halt and then take off. My husband was in the bathroom at the time and honestly I didn't think much of it so I didn't say anything. Then a few minutes later I see the same car. He confirmed that it was her.

 

The next day he went back to his place and she was sitting there outside waiting for him. He told her that it was over and we were going to try and work things out. Of course she flipped out and took off. When I called him to invite him for dinner he told me about it. He came over later on that afternoon after being out with his friends for their monthly quad ride (4x4 for those of you who don't know what it is). When he got here he was very dirty (pretty muddy up where they were) and wanted to take a shower. While he was in the shower the phone rang, it was her. Since my kids were both sitting in the living room with me I remained quite calm. She asked to talk to him and I told her that he was in the shower. She wanted to know if he would be here for long and I told her "yep, he'll be here alllllllll night". Then she asked if I could tell him that she called. I just couldn't believe the nerve of this whore. Calls MY house trying to get ahold of him! Grrrrr! Well of course I told him because I was ready to kill someone at that point. He was pretty shocked that she would call but honestly, I wasn't. She had already shown what type of person she was by coming into my home and acting as though she was this sweet, nice person while the whole time she was after my husband.

 

He got out of the shower and the kids went outside to play. I knew she'd call back and I didn't want them in the house when she did. Sure enough, she called and I answered the phone. I lost it on her. How dare she call my house! I told her exactly what I think of her and when I finally took a breath (lol) I heard her say "he doesn't love you anymore! he doesn't love you anymore!". Well what would hurt her more than anything? Hmmmmm how about telling her exactly how many times during the last couple of days he has "loved" me? Yep, that worked. She was speechless. I told her to ummm "get lost" and hung up.

 

The next day he had to go after work and get some stuff from his place (he was still out of the house but was staying here) and she was there. Well actually she wasn't there, she had followed him from one of his job sites. He sat her down and told her that she can't call anymore. We are trying to work things out because we have been together for 11 years and up until the last little while (since just before the affair began) he loved me more than any person he has ever loved before. He knew we had to at least try and find that love again because there is more than just us involved (he meant the kids). She lost her mind and started trashing his place. "I'll give you more kids if that's what you want", "I'll be here in two months waiting when she's not ******* you anymore", "She'll never change because she's too old" (I'm 31 and she's 23), were just a few of the things she said. It wasn't until she grabbed a picture of the kids that he finally had enough and kicked her out. He said he was sitting there a few minutes later and then he heard screaming outside. He thought that I had shown up and we were fighting. Well no, it was just her on her cell phone calling me. She left some nasty messages on my voice mail. He went out and told her to calm down and she took off.

 

So I ended up getting three calls from her that night. One was congratulating me but then telling me how much she hated me. Yeah, like I was the other woman. It's like she has it in her head that he was hers and hers alone and then all of a sudden I showed up out of nowhere.

 

I continued to get calls every couple of days. He also left his cell phone with me and she had called that a couple of times but hung up when I'd answer. I begged him to call her and tell her off but he wouldn't. He said that she is hurt but will get over it and move on. He didn't want to talk to her anymore. Well then I get a call on day while he was working from another woman (we figured out it was her sister) telling me that my husband was with another woman "right now". I had to laugh because it was all so stupid. I was actually on the other line with my husband when she called! He had called me, from work! I told her in a not very nice way to get lost and I hung up. That was two weeks ago and I haven't heard anything since until last night. That's where the problem I need advice with starts.

 

I'm out of the house every Tuesday night for a league I'm in. She knows this. Well I get home last night and he told me that she called. She said that she didn't actually want to talk to him, she was calling to talk to me. Considering she knows that I'm never home on Tuesday nights I know that's a lie. She wanted to talk to him when I wasn't there. Anyways, he told me everything she had said. She wants him back, she doesn't understand why he would go back to me, she hopes he can't sleep at night, blah, blah, blah. The best one was when she said "I hope you never hurt anyone else the way you have hurt me". Grrrrrrr! WTH does she think she is? Is she that stupid? She's acting as though I just swooped in and stole him from her. Well hello, I was here first. God, I am so angry! I'm angry that she won't leave us alone, I'm angry that he won't tell her to take a flying leap off a short cliff and I'm angry that he has put us in this situation.

 

I tried to talk to him about this last night but he just shut down. He said that he shouldn't have told me she called because he knew that it would upset me. I asked him why he couldn't just tell her to **** off and he said that it was his fault she was hurting and he feels bad that he led her to believe they would have something when he knew they wouldn't. He feels bad for her. Well what about me? Why can't he just stick up for me since this is obviously tearing me up inside?

 

He tells me that he's sorry he has put me through this and how much he loves me but is that really enough? I want him to show him that I am the only one he cares about. Honestly I don't think he should care at all about how she's feeling considering she is doing her best to try and make my life miserable. It should be me and my feelings he's thinking about, not hers.

 

When I got upset last night and tried to talk to him he said that he didn't want to argue and he just told me because he wanted to be totally honest. I wasn't trying to argue, I was trying to tell him how I felt. Well anyways I told him that if she ever calls again then he needs to tell her to go to hell. Until she is completely gone we will never be able to move on. It will feel as though there is three people in our relationship and I can't deal with that. It's hard enough getting over his cheating but to have her trying her best to screw things up is just too much. I just don't know what to do.

 

Oh and before anyone suggests counseling, I have checked into it and right now we just can't afford it. We have been following some things that I have found online and we are communicating better than we have in years. We really are trying to work things out but there always seems like there's a dark cloud hanging over our heads and until that goes away I'm not sure we can truly work anything out.

[umbo]

Hey I read your post and it seems fire and ice that you still have love for your husband and your husband still loves you. Just because you gained weight from pregnancy does not mean you are unattractive or unloveable. You deserve so much more love as the mother of your husbands children. YOu should have never ever pushed your husband away because of weight gain related to self esteem issues. Your are so much more valuable than 50 pounds. Get Dr. ellen light his fire,Light her fire marriage cd's you can find it online. If your money is tight I would love for you to have them and would be willing to help you get them. Of course there are a lot of issues you have to work through as we all do but it seems like your husband has really been honest with you and wants his beautiful bride back. Good luck keep posting.

[NoIDidn't]

Fire

 

I RARELY ever read through long posts, but I read yours. I'm so sorry you are going through this with that nut and her sister, presumably.

 

Its normal for guys to not want to have to tell the OW anything that makes them a "bad guy" for ending the A. He doesn't have to tell her off, he only needs to tell her "I'm sorry for the pain that I have caused you, but I would appreciate it if you respected my family and marriage and never called me again."

 

But only if he actually intends to NEVER call her again as well. Find out from your H if he really never intends to call her as well.

 

I think its great that he tells you that she called and what she says, but you have to do something different. Don't respond emotionally. It will be hard, but it will show him that he's not going to get beat up with words and that you aren't letting her get to you. Once that happens, he might be more willing to tell her to stop calling and put some force behind it.

 

I never had a problem with her calling me or my house. But she did call him at work, on the road and in his office. I told him she would and that she was just fishing/phishing for info and to see where she could find an opening (hoping whatever connection they had was still there).

 

Mine was the same age. She's young. Doesn't know any better (yet). Consider a restraining order. She's damaged his property already. Chances are she will only escalate. Sad thing is, at her age, this was probably the longest and most serious R she's had in a long time. So she is going to have a hard time walking away.

 

She's having a hard time accepting that its over. Her fantasy man went back to his REAL life. She couldn't even stand the fact that he had contact with you concerning your kids. She didn't want him and everything that would come along with him. She wanted the fantasy. He should consider filing a report with the police over her visit to his place and trashing the place just for the record should you need to get that RO.

[Ruby Tuesday]

She had already shown what type of person she was by coming into my home and acting as though she was this sweet, nice person while the whole time she was after my husband.

 

I had the same problem. The OW was presenting herself as a friend, but she had it in for me since day one. She was actually babysitting my two children when I was in the hospital delivering my third child.

 

She convinced herself that I got pregnant just to trap my husband, who by then was married to me for fourteen years.

 

Trap him?

 

Oh my god, how do they make this sh*it up in their evil minds?

 

She wanted my house, my man and my life. She'd use her own kids and my kids to manipulate her way into his heart.

 

In her own words, she was the one who made the first move and he rejected her advances. She said she was embarassed. Of course this was all told to me only to make me want to leave him, so he would run into her arms. It's all just a game they play with our heads.

 

I know a womans game. Any girl can read cosmo or glamour and study the rules of dating do's and dont's. Men are oblivious to women's tactics, they think its natural when its all just fake fronting bullsh*it. Women have pick-up lines too!!!

 

The fact that he did hesitate and that gut reaction speaks volumes. He didn't want that, he didnt want to cross that line. She persisited because she hated being rejected. In the end, she was rejected by him permanantly. It ended the way it began.

 

It still makes them persue them harder to proove they got the right stuff.

 

You know any woman can rub herself up on a man to turn him on, it didnt mean she was better than you or me. Once the honeymoon wears off and there is no love or intamacy there, what is left but a horrible feeling of throwing away your whole family for nothing? So when your man says it was nothing, he probably means it.

 

You don't need counselling, you need a restraining order. LMAO : )

 

He isnt going to be the bully and tell her off, he probably is humiliated by the harassment. I wouldnt say she is doing you a favor but she is doing herself in everytime she calls you.

 

He's right that if he speaks to her, it will only encourage her to try harder.

 

You have to follow the NC rules too, becuz even telling her off is breaking contact. It's all just a childish game to keep you involved.

[FireandIce]

Hey I read your post and it seems fire and ice that you still have love for your husband and your husband still loves you. Just because you gained weight from pregnancy does not mean you are unattractive or unloveable. You deserve so much more love as the mother of your husbands children. YOu should have never ever pushed your husband away because of weight gain related to self esteem issues. Your are so much more valuable than 50 pounds. Get Dr. ellen light his fire,Light her fire marriage cd's you can find it online. If your money is tight I would love for you to have them and would be willing to help you get them. Of course there are a lot of issues you have to work through as we all do but it seems like your husband has really been honest with you and wants his beautiful bride back. Good luck keep posting.

 

I know I shouldn't have pushed him away but to be honest I didn't see it that way at the time. I thought he would understand but now that I look back I can see why he would feel rejected and unloved by my actions. I felt horrible about myself so I didn't really care if I hurt anyone else in the process. I have since worked on myself (inside and out) and feel much better. Since he's returned our sex life is like it was before the second pregnancy.

 

Fire

 

I RARELY ever read through long posts, but I read yours. I'm so sorry you are going through this with that nut and her sister, presumably.

 

I think its great that he tells you that she called and what she says, but you have to do something different. Don't respond emotionally. It will be hard, but it will show him that he's not going to get beat up with words and that you aren't letting her get to you. Once that happens, he might be more willing to tell her to stop calling and put some force behind it.

 

I never had a problem with her calling me or my house. But she did call him at work, on the road and in his office. I told him she would and that she was just fishing/phishing for info and to see where she could find an opening (hoping whatever connection they had was still there).

 

Mine was the same age. She's young. Doesn't know any better (yet). Consider a restraining order. She's damaged his property already. Chances are she will only escalate. Sad thing is, at her age, this was probably the longest and most serious R she's had in a long time. So she is going to have a hard time walking away.

 

She's having a hard time accepting that its over. Her fantasy man went back to his REAL life. She couldn't even stand the fact that he had contact with you concerning your kids. She didn't want him and everything that would come along with him. She wanted the fantasy. He should consider filing a report with the police over her visit to his place and trashing the place just for the record should you need to get that RO.

 

Thanks for reading and responding to my small novel. LOL

 

I know I shouldn't get upset when she calls and I didn't at first last night but then everything came flooding back and I just couldn't deal. It's a hard thing (as I'm sure you know) to be married to a man that you love a great deal but to be constantly reminded that he was in the arms of another woman. It digusts me, hurts me, angers me, and everything in between.

 

I know she's young and I realize she thought this man she "loved" was hers and all hers. She wanted him but nothing that came along with that. I think she was either too stupid or too naive to realize that if they did continue with the relationship after we split that the kids and I weren't going away. She didn't want the package deal and she made that very clear.

 

I have talked about a restraining order and have saved all of the messages and times she has driven by, called, etc. just in case. I know he won't file one against her so there's no point in even asking. He feels bad for everything that has happened and doesn't want to make it worse.

 

I had the same problem. The OW was presenting herself as a friend, but she had it in for me since day one. She was actually babysitting my two children when I was in the hospital delivering my third child.

 

She convinced herself that I got pregnant just to trap my husband, who by then was married to me for fourteen years.

 

Trap him?

 

Oh my god, how do they make this sh*it up in their evil minds?

 

She wanted my house, my man and my life. She'd use her own kids and my kids to manipulate her way into his heart.

 

In her own words, she was the one who made the first move and he rejected her advances. She said she was embarassed. Of course this was all told to me only to make me want to leave him, so he would run into her arms. It's all just a game they play with our heads.

 

I know a womans game. Any girl can read cosmo or glamour and study the rules of dating do's and dont's. Men are oblivious to women's tactics, they think its natural when its all just fake fronting bullsh*it. Women have pick-up lines too!!!

 

The fact that he did hesitate and that gut reaction speaks volumes. He didn't want that, he didnt want to cross that line. She persisited because she hated being rejected. In the end, she was rejected by him permanantly. It ended the way it began.

 

It still makes them persue them harder to proove they got the right stuff.

 

You know any woman can rub herself up on a man to turn him on, it didnt mean she was better than you or me. Once the honeymoon wears off and there is no love or intamacy there, what is left but a horrible feeling of throwing away your whole family for nothing? So when your man says it was nothing, he probably means it.

 

You don't need counselling, you need a restraining order. LMAO : )

 

He isnt going to be the bully and tell her off, he probably is humiliated by the harassment. I wouldnt say she is doing you a favor but she is doing herself in everytime she calls you.

 

He's right that if he speaks to her, it will only encourage her to try harder.

 

You have to follow the NC rules too, becuz even telling her off is breaking contact. It's all just a childish game to keep you involved.

 

I'm sorry you went through that. Honestly this is the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with and somedays I just wish I could go to sleep, wake up the next morning and have all of it been a bad dream.

 

I don't want to call her and I won't. If she does call here again I do want him to tell her to leave us alone. She's young and I honestly think she's holding on hoping that if she bothers us enough then I'm finally going to get sick of it and kick him out. I think that's why she makes sure that I know she's still out there. I just want her to go away, grow up and find someone new. My husband is not her man but she feels differently. Like I said, she acts as though I'm the one who has wronged her in some way. I'm not the one who went after her boyfriend/husband knowing full well that he was with someone else. I decided to work on things with my HUSBAND who was mine in the first place. She doesn't see it that way.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Of course, the OW feels entitled to do as she pleases, she has for a long time and she is not ready to give up the control yet, but you are actually encouraging her to continue calling by your own reaction. Shes getting satisfaction by making you so upset, that may just be her plan, to drive you up the wall and break-up your marriage.

 

I'm not saying you are worng or unjustified for getting angry and telling her off. I'd like to go kick her ass sideways for you (lol) but you have to get control back of the situation. Making your husband tell her off will not do anything either. Why?

 

Your husband has no contol over this woman. He doesnt want anything to do with her. It's actually better that he doesnt talk to her or get involved in this in any way, shape, or form. It would be like dangling a carrot in front of the boiling bunny. Dont offer her the carrot.

 

If you can, screen your calls, and just try not to answer her calls anymore. If she doesnt get a reaction she will probably give up. I have been through the drive bys and the usual jilted OW routine, sometimes she still does drive by his place of work. I noticed that when I borrowed his vehicle when mine was being serviced, so I'd have to pick him up from work.

 

Are you writing down the times of the calls? Because you can turn this over to the police department for harassment. Look in the phone book on how to handle harassing phone calls. The phone company can trace the calls back and provide this information to the police department and they can and will press charges against her. Some phone companies offer to "block" up to ten numbers from calling yours. It's called selective call rejection. She will get a message saying "your call has been blocked from this number" which would be funny as hell.

 

They may advise you to do is to change your home phone number, which is a terrible inconvinience, but if the calls are that problematic, you may just have to resolve to do just that.

 

Remember the bigger picture here, the most important thing is resolving your marriage, and that neither of you owe this woman the time of day.

[Ladyjane14]

I've got some things I want to post to you... but I'm just too beat tonight.

 

For now, if the OW calls, my suggestion to you is to play it calm, cool, and collected. Be brief. You are at NO obligation to speak to her at all, you know. And whether you decide to speak to her or not... be a lady in all that you say.

 

It's sometimes necessary to behave in an outwardly sympathetically way towards the OW. I'll post you more about that tomorrow, but for now...

 

We play the game SMART... not hard.

[smartgirl]

There are many parts of your story that sound sooo similar to my situation. I don't need to go into them all, but suffice it to say - you are not alone in many aspects of how the affair started and how your H now feels.

 

As for the part where you asked for advice, that is also very similar. Your husband, affair notwithstanding, sounds like a nice man. A nice man who made a very bad mistake and is now paying for it - and is willing to pay for it. Like my husband, he feels bad for hurting you but he feels bad for hurting her too. He takes on the responsibility and doesn't choose to blame her or you for his actions. In other circumstances, you would say he is a stand up guy with a big decent streak.

 

But right now you don't want that. You want the validation you feel you would get from hearing him tell her off and hurt her the way you feel hurt; to demonstrate to her that he wants you and loathes her, to make her feel as worthless as finding out about the A made you feel. He isn't going to do it. A year into our recovery our MC keeps telling me he isn't going to do it because it isn't the kind of person he is - he isn't a "blamer."

 

The OW hasn't gone as far as yours, but has very similar attitudes. She also acts as though I stole my H from her and that he is wrong for not continuing to lie to me and make her a priority in his life. She doesn't want him back, but she still wants to be treated like the most important person in his life.

 

This of course makes me crazy. Makes me want to see her "smartened up" and "put in her place." He feels in the middle. Doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. Just wants to keep a lid on it, not do anything inflamatory, wait for the anger to die down and move on with life.

 

Partially this is their tendency to avoid confrontation. Someone said that is how a lot of nice guys wind up in affairs. They don't confront their unhappiness at home, they handle it in a wrong way. Then they get in an A and don't want to face confrontation there, so they get in deeper and deeper which leaves the OW feeling used.

 

Your H isn't going to suddenly turn into the kind of person that places a woman in a situation of vulnerability and then smacks her. I know you don't want to hear that. I'm having trouble living with it myself. But in the long run, it does kind of confirm that despite stumbling and making a mistake, he really is the kind of person I thought he was.

[Trialbyfire]

As for the part where you asked for advice, that is also very similar. Your husband, affair notwithstanding, sounds like a nice man. A nice man who made a very bad mistake and is now paying for it - and is willing to pay for it. Like my husband, he feels bad for hurting you but he feels bad for hurting her too. He takes on the responsibility and doesn't choose to blame her or you for his actions. In other circumstances, you would say he is a stand up guy with a big decent streak.

 

But right now you don't want that. You want the validation you feel you would get from hearing him tell her off and hurt her the way you feel hurt; to demonstrate to her that he wants you and loathes her, to make her feel as worthless as finding out about the A made you feel. He isn't going to do it. A year into our recovery our MC keeps telling me he isn't going to do it because it isn't the kind of person he is - he isn't a "blamer."

 

 

I don't see him as that nice or decent. I think he's doing the passive-aggressive routine by allowing Fire and Ice to get rid of his problems for him. If he takes no action, he can still come out smelling like roses.

 

As for him not being a "blamer", he's already blamed the affair on her rejection of him because she forced him into it.

[BentSpine]

Your husband will never tell the other woman off because she gave him what he needed most, sex, when he needed it. For this he is eternally grateful. Right now he also feels guilty because he doesn't show her his appreciation.

 

But sex isn't the only thing your husband values. After sex, he values family evenings the most. Once the other woman lovingly helped him satisfy his sexual need, he started wanting family evening with you and his kids.

 

But you still demand your husband to jump through hoops to prove to you his love. And if your not satisfied with his effort, sex is going to decline. Thus the cycle repeats itself. The other woman knows this. She is just biding her time.

[Ladyjane14]

...Your husband, affair notwithstanding, sounds like a nice man. A nice man who made a very bad mistake and is now paying for it - and is willing to pay for it. Like my husband, he feels bad for hurting you but he feels bad for hurting her too. He takes on the responsibility and doesn't choose to blame her or you for his actions. In other circumstances, you would say he is a stand up guy with a big decent streak.

 

But right now you don't want that. You want the validation you feel you would get from hearing him tell her off and hurt her the way you feel hurt; to demonstrate to her that he wants you and loathes her, to make her feel as worthless as finding out about the A made you feel. He isn't going to do it. A year into our recovery our MC keeps telling me he isn't going to do it because it isn't the kind of person he is - he isn't a "blamer."

 

The OW hasn't gone as far as yours, but has very similar attitudes. She also acts as though I stole my H from her and that he is wrong for not continuing to lie to me and make her a priority in his life. She doesn't want him back, but she still wants to be treated like the most important person in his life....

 

...Someone said that is how a lot of nice guys wind up in affairs. They don't confront their unhappiness at home, they handle it in a wrong way. Then they get in an A and don't want to face confrontation there, so they get in deeper and deeper which leaves the OW feeling used.

 

Your H isn't going to suddenly turn into the kind of person that places a woman in a situation of vulnerability and then smacks her. I know you don't want to hear that. I'm having trouble living with it myself. But in the long run, it does kind of confirm that despite stumbling and making a mistake, he really is the kind of person I thought he was....

 

I'm in agreement with Smartgirl. Not every cheater is an a*hole. Sometimes an otherwise nice person can get frustrated, get resentful, start justifying... and do something that's completely out of character. In these cases, we're not talking about a guy (or gal) who feels entitled to whatever gratification they want whenever they want it. We're talking about people who didn't cope with a problem effectively, and as Smartgirl has said.. oftentimes we're talking about conflict avoiders.

 

...During the pregnancy I gained A LOT of weight. I felt horrible about myself but my husband was always supportive and always told me how beautiful and sexy I was....

 

...I felt so rotten about how I looked (I had never been that heavy) so our sex life went in the toilet. He was always trying to touch me or initiate sex but I constantly rejected him. I had it in my head that he couldn't possibly want me looking the way I did and the only reason he complimented me was because he wanted sex. The more he tried the more I felt like I was right. Well the more I pushed him away the more rejected he felt. This went on for a very long time until last year when he just stopped trying....

 

...We had only had sex 5 times in 4 years. I know that isn't normal but with the way I was feeling about myself I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He said that the love we had just seemed gone and that's how he was able to do it....

 

You've been very candid with us, and that's a good thing. I think it's likely that you see very well your culpability in the disastrous state of the relationship prior to the affair. And kudos to you for taking responsibility for that.

 

You know, the WS is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat... but the betrayed spouse is usually at least 50% responsible for the condition of the marriage before the affair. Now, that's not a hard and fast rule. In cases where you're dealing with a serial cheater for example, you can be doing EVERYTHING just right... and he'll still cheat.

 

But in a situation like yours... I think, having learned more about the sexual relationship within marriage and how it affects emotional intimacy, you can probably see that your contribution to the pre-affair problems was considerably MORE than the usual 50%. You need to be taking BIG responsibility for that, and so far it sounds like you have. Bear in mind though, that unless your husband is completely reassured that this is NEVER going to happen again... your marriage is still vulnerable. He needs to KNOW that you've worked this out and that your sorry for the pain you caused him.

 

This is a separate issue from the affair and it needs to be treated with the gravity it deserves. Just as he owes you contrition for the affair... you owe him for this. Most men would divorce their wives out-of-hand in a case of sexual rejection this extreme.

 

 

You're mad at the OW. I can't blame you. There's been alot of talk around here lately about what actions a betrayed spouse can take in order to "ruin" an OW or OM. But I'll tell you what hurts them the MOST...

 

It's taking your partner back and making it work.

 

In order to make it work though, you've got to be completely, 100%, no-doubt-about-it, on your partner's side. You've got to be his team-mate. You've got to be playing from his side of the field.

 

I read somewhere, and I'm sorry... I just can't remember where I saw it (maybe it was in Relationship Rescue since that was one of the first things I read)... but anyway, the advice was this...

 

"It's important not to criticize your FWS's ex-lover".

 

Now that doesn't necessarily mean that the OW isn't a skank or that he's blind to her readily-apparent skanky ho-ness.

(Some of the betrayed wives posting here have had to deal with particularly NASTY ones.... the chronically "learning disabled", and even the occasional stalker. )

But in reality, most of them aren't skanks. Even though, in our outrage, it makes us feel better to think they are.

 

This girl is only 23 years old. And although, it's completely possible for a young person to be utterly void of any kind of human decency, soulless as it were... it's not a normal thing. Most young folks are idealistic and a little bit rebellious of social norms as they enter adulthood and expand their life experience. So, if you're playing the odds, it's more likely that this is just some young girl who's learning the hard way not to mess around with married men. It seems sometimes that we only REALLY learn through our mistakes, right?

 

Anyway, your husband probably whispered alot of "sweet nothings" to this girl. He probably led her down the primrose path. And he KNOWS he did. You can hide alot of things from alot of people, but you can't hide from yourself.

 

If he's a good man, and you've said he is ... he's feeling bad about that. This is something he's going to have to work out for himself and something that you can't really help him with. This is one of those times where it's better to listen sympathetically and let him talk about it. You know how guys sometimes have a tendency to try to solve our problems for us, when all along what we REALLY wanted was just a sympathetic ear? It's like that.

 

Hearing about sympathetic feelings toward another woman is NOT something any wife wants to deal with. But you know what? .... he needs to be able to talk to you about ANYTHING. He needs to feel soul-to-soul, accepted at every level as if you were a part of him. THIS is emotional intimacy outside the bedroom.

 

When you express your disdain for this OW, you become an oppositional force, an adversary, a critic... NOT a team-mate. When you criticize her, you also criticize HIM. You criticize his judgment in choosing his "friends", his ability to tell a good person from a bad one.

 

Say for example, you two decide to paint the bedroom and you send him to the hardware store to buy paint. He finally comes back with the bucket of blue that YOU wanted.. but he's gone for a LONG time. So, you ask him where he's been and he tells you, "I thought maybe the bedroom would look better in orange, and I stood there for the longest time thinking about how much I really LIKE orange and how it might be better if I bought that instead".

 

Now, imagine his reaction if you start telling him how STUPID orange is. How anyone with even half a brain knows that people can't sleep in a room with some big, loud, ugly, orange paint on the wall. How nobody with ANY decorating taste could choose orange paint, it's just ridiculous.

 

Do you see how that works?

 

Yeah, in the beginning when a WS comes home, his spouse's jealousy is a salve for his wounds. It's proof that she cares. But as time goes on... it starts to wear thin and make him feel defensive. Even when he's back home where he wants to be, and even when he KNOWS he made a mistake and exercised poor judgment.. he doesn't want to keep feeling stupid in perpetuity. This kind of ongoing criticism makes him feel stupid.

 

What you need instead is to "prioritize his needs as if they were your own". So, you walk a mile in his shoes and you begin to see that he needs approval. He needs admiration. He needs acceptance. If his needs are your needs... you give him those things.

 

Now, I'll admit... when your own needs are in opposition to your mate's, it's difficult to prioritize who's going to get served first. As Smartgirl suggested, you're probably needing some validation from him right about now. His vociferous rejection of the OW would make you feel better. BUT... in cases like this, it's usually the WS who's the most needy. He's where he is because he became vulnerable and got his head screwed on backwards. The BS, believe it or not, is often in a mentally healthier place.

 

During the crisis in my own marriage... I chose to serve my husband's needs first, trusting that mine would be served later. And I haven't regretted that choice for a minute. It paid off in a big way.

 

Anyway, think it over. You mentioned that you don't have the financial resources for marriage counseling. But there are lots of resources available that you and your husband can study on your own. That said, remember that people tend to work at different paces, so don't be disappointed if you don't see him embracing relationship books with great enthusiasm. Wayward spouses in recovery mostly just want the whole thing to go away.

 

Identifying ENs (emotional needs) should be your biggest priority. Try The Five Love Languages by Chapman or His Needs / Her Needs by Harley. It would also be good if you read through the Basic Concepts section at the MarriageBuilders website, paying special attention to Love Busters and The Policy of Joint Agreement in order to improve communications. Me to you... stay off the boards over there. You're making good progress and I'd hate to see you become jaded or paranoid.

 

Also, if you've still got some work to do on the sexual issues, you might try The Sexless Marriage and have a run at the HUGE number of threads we have in the Marriage forum here at LS, where you'll get some more food for thought. You can use the search tool. Keywords like "sexless marriage" will turn up quite a few of them. When you're dealing with two healthy, married people... you can't go wrong by REALLY understanding how important the sexual relationship is in correlation to emotional intimacy.

[FireandIce]

Of course, the OW feels entitled to do as she pleases, she has for a long time and she is not ready to give up the control yet, but you are actually encouraging her to continue calling by your own reaction. Shes getting satisfaction by making you so upset, that may just be her plan, to drive you up the wall and break-up your marriage.

 

I'm not saying you are worng or unjustified for getting angry and telling her off. I'd like to go kick her ass sideways for you (lol) but you have to get control back of the situation. Making your husband tell her off will not do anything either. Why?

 

Your husband has no contol over this woman. He doesnt want anything to do with her. It's actually better that he doesnt talk to her or get involved in this in any way, shape, or form. It would be like dangling a carrot in front of the boiling bunny. Dont offer her the carrot.

 

If you can, screen your calls, and just try not to answer her calls anymore. If she doesnt get a reaction she will probably give up. I have been through the drive bys and the usual jilted OW routine, sometimes she still does drive by his place of work. I noticed that when I borrowed his vehicle when mine was being serviced, so I'd have to pick him up from work.

 

Are you writing down the times of the calls? Because you can turn this over to the police department for harassment. Look in the phone book on how to handle harassing phone calls. The phone company can trace the calls back and provide this information to the police department and they can and will press charges against her. Some phone companies offer to "block" up to ten numbers from calling yours. It's called selective call rejection. She will get a message saying "your call has been blocked from this number" which would be funny as hell.

 

They may advise you to do is to change your home phone number, which is a terrible inconvinience, but if the calls are that problematic, you may just have to resolve to do just that.

 

Remember the bigger picture here, the most important thing is resolving your marriage, and that neither of you owe this woman the time of day.

 

Yes I understand what you're saying, that's why I won't get him to just call her up to tell her off. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing it bothers me.

 

I have been keeping track of the phone calls (including saving the messages) and the number of times she's driven by. Just in case. I will look into the blocked phone number thing. I never even thought about that so thank you!

 

There are many parts of your story that sound sooo similar to my situation. I don't need to go into them all, but suffice it to say - you are not alone in many aspects of how the affair started and how your H now feels.

 

As for the part where you asked for advice, that is also very similar. Your husband, affair notwithstanding, sounds like a nice man. A nice man who made a very bad mistake and is now paying for it - and is willing to pay for it. Like my husband, he feels bad for hurting you but he feels bad for hurting her too. He takes on the responsibility and doesn't choose to blame her or you for his actions. In other circumstances, you would say he is a stand up guy with a big decent streak.

 

But right now you don't want that. You want the validation you feel you would get from hearing him tell her off and hurt her the way you feel hurt; to demonstrate to her that he wants you and loathes her, to make her feel as worthless as finding out about the A made you feel. He isn't going to do it. A year into our recovery our MC keeps telling me he isn't going to do it because it isn't the kind of person he is - he isn't a "blamer."

 

The OW hasn't gone as far as yours, but has very similar attitudes. She also acts as though I stole my H from her and that he is wrong for not continuing to lie to me and make her a priority in his life. She doesn't want him back, but she still wants to be treated like the most important person in his life.

 

This of course makes me crazy. Makes me want to see her "smartened up" and "put in her place." He feels in the middle. Doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore. Just wants to keep a lid on it, not do anything inflamatory, wait for the anger to die down and move on with life.

 

Partially this is their tendency to avoid confrontation. Someone said that is how a lot of nice guys wind up in affairs. They don't confront their unhappiness at home, they handle it in a wrong way. Then they get in an A and don't want to face confrontation there, so they get in deeper and deeper which leaves the OW feeling used.

 

Your H isn't going to suddenly turn into the kind of person that places a woman in a situation of vulnerability and then smacks her. I know you don't want to hear that. I'm having trouble living with it myself. But in the long run, it does kind of confirm that despite stumbling and making a mistake, he really is the kind of person I thought he was.

 

He is a good guy who made a HUGE mistake. I guess that's why I never thought he'd cheat on me because he is such a good guy. I totally took him for granted and I know that. I just figured he'd sit around and wait while I dealt with my issues no matter how long it took. Honestly if this whole mess hadn't of happened I highly doubt I'd be at the place I am with myself (physically and emotionally). Maybe it took this to knock some sense into me and take a look at myself instead of blaming those around me.

 

I don't see him as that nice or decent. I think he's doing the passive-aggressive routine by allowing Fire and Ice to get rid of his problems for him. If he takes no action, he can still come out smelling like roses.

 

As for him not being a "blamer", he's already blamed the affair on her rejection of him because she forced him into it.

 

Honestly, he is a good guy. He's not a confrontational person (never has been) so I know why he doesn't want to confront her about everything she's doing. He just hopes it all goes away and really, so do I. I'm just not sure it will happen.

 

Your husband will never tell the other woman off because she gave him what he needed most, sex, when he needed it. For this he is eternally grateful. Right now he also feels guilty because he doesn't show her his appreciation.

 

But sex isn't the only thing your husband values. After sex, he values family evenings the most. Once the other woman lovingly helped him satisfy his sexual need, he started wanting family evening with you and his kids.

 

But you still demand your husband to jump through hoops to prove to you his love. And if your not satisfied with his effort, sex is going to decline. Thus the cycle repeats itself. The other woman knows this. She is just biding her time.

 

It wasn't just about sex. It had a lot to do with feeling needed and wanted. She gave that to him when I wasn't. I do blame myself for my actions in the whole thing, not him. I blame him for going out of the marriage instead of working on it first but like I said, he's not a confrontational person. He did try to talk to me a bit about the whole thing (problems in our relationship) before anything happened with her but I once again dismissed the issue thinking nothing was really that bad. We would get past it and everything would return to normal, I just didn't know how long that would take. Well after over three years of being rejected and feeling unwanted I guess he was tired of waiting and if I put myself in his shoes then I would have been sick of it as well.

 

 

 

Ladyjane you raised some really great points and I will respond to your post as soon as I get back from the dentist (ick!).

 

Thank you everyone for your advice and your stories. I really appreciate it and it helps to know that I'm not alone. I am very happy that I found this site when I did because honestly it has helped more than you understand.

[FireandIce]

I'm in agreement with Smartgirl. Not every cheater is an a*hole. Sometimes an otherwise nice person can get frustrated, get resentful, start justifying... and do something that's completely out of character. In these cases, we're not talking about a guy (or gal) who feels entitled to whatever gratification they want whenever they want it. We're talking about people who didn't cope with a problem effectively, and as Smartgirl has said.. oftentimes we're talking about conflict avoiders.

 

 

And that would be my husband. He hates confrontation and avoids it at all costs. When we started talking things out that was one of the things I told him that he needed to work on. You can't keep things bottled up inside forever because eventually you're going to explode.

 

You've been very candid with us, and that's a good thing. I think it's likely that you see very well your culpability in the disastrous state of the relationship prior to the affair. And kudos to you for taking responsibility for that.

 

You know, the WS is 100% responsible for his decision to cheat... but the betrayed spouse is usually at least 50% responsible for the condition of the marriage before the affair. Now, that's not a hard and fast rule. In cases where you're dealing with a serial cheater for example, you can be doing EVERYTHING just right... and he'll still cheat.

 

But in a situation like yours... I think, having learned more about the sexual relationship within marriage and how it affects emotional intimacy, you can probably see that your contribution to the pre-affair problems was considerably MORE than the usual 50%. You need to be taking BIG responsibility for that, and so far it sounds like you have. Bear in mind though, that unless your husband is completely reassured that this is NEVER going to happen again... your marriage is still vulnerable. He needs to KNOW that you've worked this out and that your sorry for the pain you caused him.

 

Yes, I know he's still worried that we'll fall back into the same trap, as am I. So far things are going quite well in all departments and I don't forsee that changing.

 

I do take responsibility for my part in all of this and that was very hard (I'm always right or so I think...lol). It still doesn't excuse what he did because he didn't have to make that choice but in all honesty I can understand why he did it. If the roles were reversed and it was him pushing me away for almost 4 years then I would feel horrible. I doubt I'd do the same thing (have an affair) but I certainly wouldn't stick around for very long. The thing that has saved us and allows us to work on things is the fact of how much he loved me before all of this started going down hill. I highly doubt if he had iffy feelings that he'd want to work it out.

 

You're mad at the OW. I can't blame you. There's been alot of talk around here lately about what actions a betrayed spouse can take in order to "ruin" an OW or OM. But I'll tell you what hurts them the MOST...

 

It's taking your partner back and making it work.

 

Oh I know that all too well. LOL I guess that's why most of her messages and calls to me include multiple "I hate you"'s. LOL

 

"It's important not to criticize your FWS's ex-lover".

 

Now that doesn't necessarily mean that the OW isn't a skank or that he's blind to her readily-apparent skanky ho-ness.

(Some of the betrayed wives posting here have had to deal with particularly NASTY ones.... the chronically "learning disabled", and even the occasional stalker. )

But in reality, most of them aren't skanks. Even though, in our outrage, it makes us feel better to think they are.

 

Well I have to say that this one is. The way she came into our home, befriending me and then I come to find out she's been after him for years, well she's a ho. LOL Let's just say I won't be inviting her over for coffee anytime soon.

 

This girl is only 23 years old. And although, it's completely possible for a young person to be utterly void of any kind of human decency, soulless as it were... it's not a normal thing. Most young folks are idealistic and a little bit rebellious of social norms as they enter adulthood and expand their life experience. So, if you're playing the odds, it's more likely that this is just some young girl who's learning the hard way not to mess around with married men. It seems sometimes that we only REALLY learn through our mistakes, right?

 

Well I'm glad that I am teaching her to become a better person. I know she had it in her mind that she was the "winner". She's young and thought she had everything she wanted and nothing or nobody was going to stand in her way. I know this by the message she left on my machine after he made it perfectly clear that he was going to return home and work things out with me. "Congratulations..." was the first thing she said, like it was some sort of contest. She's cute and young and figured that this was a game that she was "winning". Too bad she didn't count on me going into overtime.

 

Anyway, your husband probably whispered alot of "sweet nothings" to this girl. He probably led her down the primrose path. And he KNOWS he did. You can hide alot of things from alot of people, but you can't hide from yourself.

 

If he's a good man, and you've said he is ... he's feeling bad about that. This is something he's going to have to work out for himself and something that you can't really help him with. This is one of those times where it's better to listen sympathetically and let him talk about it. You know how guys sometimes have a tendency to try to solve our problems for us, when all along what we REALLY wanted was just a sympathetic ear? It's like that.

 

Hearing about sympathetic feelings toward another woman is NOT something any wife wants to deal with. But you know what? .... he needs to be able to talk to you about ANYTHING. He needs to feel soul-to-soul, accepted at every level as if you were a part of him. THIS is emotional intimacy outside the bedroom.

 

He can talk about anything to me (that's how we always were before the last little bit) and he knows that but in all honesty I'm not sure I could be sympathetic towards his feelings for her. I just don't think I can do that. I hate her. Maybe if it was some random girl that I hadn't invited into my home then I'd be more able to do it but not with this one. He can tell me how he is feeling about ditching her and I'll listen but I can't pretend to care about her feelings. His, yes. Her's, no way in hell.

 

Yeah, in the beginning when a WS comes home, his spouse's jealousy is a salve for his wounds. It's proof that she cares. But as time goes on... it starts to wear thin and make him feel defensive. Even when he's back home where he wants to be, and even when he KNOWS he made a mistake and exercised poor judgment.. he doesn't want to keep feeling stupid in perpetuity. This kind of ongoing criticism makes him feel stupid.

 

Yeah I can understand that. It's not something that I want to keep bringing up and in fact we haven't mentioned her for almost two weeks until she called. She's not someone that I want to discuss when we are talking but we do discuss the affair and stuff like that. I just don't want to dwell on her. She makes it very hard though when she's constantly trying to get his attention.

 

Anyway, think it over. You mentioned that you don't have the financial resources for marriage counseling. But there are lots of resources available that you and your husband can study on your own. That said, remember that people tend to work at different paces, so don't be disappointed if you don't see him embracing relationship books with great enthusiasm. Wayward spouses in recovery mostly just want the whole thing to go away.

 

That's what he wants. He wants it to go away and act as though it didn't happen. That's a very hard thing to do. I need to talk about stuff and although he's been great I do know he doesn't want to talk about it. We've been doing a few things that I found online, one of which suggested the BS write their husband a letter telling them how they feel and address any other concerns followed by questions. It said to talk all of this out and then when you're done put the letter away and start the healing. We did that and it really helped get a bunch of stuff out for both of us.

 

Identifying ENs (emotional needs) should be your biggest priority. Try The Five Love Languages by Chapman or His Needs / Her Needs by Harley. It would also be good if you read through the Basic Concepts section at the MarriageBuilders website, paying special attention to Love Busters and The Policy of Joint Agreement in order to improve communications. Me to you... stay off the boards over there. You're making good progress and I'd hate to see you become jaded or paranoid.

 

I'll try to find those at our bookstore this weekend. I've been to the marriagebuilders site and read quite a bit of the stuff on there. I'm not sure if I went to the message board or not but I have been to quite a few that were very ummm vicious? lol I need to talk to people about how to work things out not what the best sort of revenge is. LOL

 

Also, if you've still got some work to do on the sexual issues, you might try The Sexless Marriage and have a run at the HUGE number of threads we have in the Marriage forum here at LS, where you'll get some more food for thought. You can use the search tool. Keywords like "sexless marriage" will turn up quite a few of them. When you're dealing with two healthy, married people... you can't go wrong by REALLY understanding how important the sexual relationship is in correlation to emotional intimacy.

 

Done it already. LOL Actually the next day after he came here saying how much he missed just being with me I ended up finding this site and finding a sexless marriage thread that was 32 pages long. I read the whole thing and it truly opened my eyes. I honestly didn't realize how important it was until I read so many of the responses from men and women. It was like being smacked back into reality. I would suggest that thread to anyone who is having problems in that area before it's too late and they wind up in a situation like mine. When you get married you don't receive a handbook of this info and a lot of people just don't get it (like myself) so I really think it helps hearing real people's stories.

[Ruby Tuesday]

Owwww... my finger hurts from all the scrolling thru this thread !!!

 

LOL : )

[smartgirl]

Lady Jane - excellent points.

 

F&I - given some of the specific information you have offered I would strongly recommend Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray. It is short and a quick read but offered excellent insights into the different ways men and women approach sex and why it is important to them. It is more complicated than one thinks, but all totally made sense to me as to why we were miscommunicating on that level.

[FireandIce]

Lady Jane - excellent points.

 

F&I - given some of the specific information you have offered I would strongly recommend Mars and Venus in the Bedroom by John Gray. It is short and a quick read but offered excellent insights into the different ways men and women approach sex and why it is important to them. It is more complicated than one thinks, but all totally made sense to me as to why we were miscommunicating on that level.

 

 

Thanks. I'll take a look at it when I go this weekend.

[Sup]

F&I, have you thought about kicking this women's ? Well, I know you couldn't really do that and not have consiquences. Couldn't you file a restraining order? I mean, she could prove dangerous, not to frighten you. It sounds like she's trying to sabotage your marriage/recovery. By the way, just out of curiousity, is your husband Dean Martin? Suave, Italin, etc., etc.? Most ladies don't seem to go after men like that these days, with GUSTO! for nothing! Lastly, It's all HIS fault for HIS cheating, If I were you, I would've left him looooong ago!

[FireandIce]

F&I, have you thought about kicking this women's ? Well, I know you couldn't really do that and not have consiquences. Couldn't you file a restraining order? I mean, she could prove dangerous, not to frighten you. It sounds like she's trying to sabotage your marriage/recovery. By the way, just out of curiousity, is your husband Dean Martin? Suave, Italin, etc., etc.? Most ladies don't seem to go after men like that these days, with GUSTO! for nothing! Lastly, It's all HIS fault for HIS cheating, If I were you, I would've left him looooong ago!

 

 

Yes I have thought about kicking her butt. LOL I had visions of her showing up at my house and drop kicking her off my deck.

 

She hasn't tried to make contact in just over a week now so hopefully she is finally realizing that even though she's trying her best to ruin things, it's not going to work.

 

No, my husband isn't Dean Martin but he's a very funny, personable guy that people tend to like hanging around with. He is good in bed though so who knows. LOL I doubt that's the only reason she wants to be with him. Like I said, she has a history of going after the "higher ups" at the company so IMO she's after money and that lifestyle more than anything else.