Lauriebell82 Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 well here is an update for everyone on what is going on from the extremely long thread "very happy thread finally". so the situation for everyone who responded to my other thread is that my bf has money issues. i'm not sure if he's cheap/stingy or he is just terrified of me taking advantage of the fact that he has money. i dont understand the logic but we came to an agreement. we decided that i would cook a nice dinner for him in place of paying for a date since i cant afford to do so since i'm a broke grad student. he then offered to take me out to dinner. so we have a "whoever offers treats" policy, however its making me nervous a little bit. well this is what happened this past weekend: i cooked dinner for him friday night. he loved it and we had a great time. on sat night he offered to take me out to dinner at this steakhouse that is near us. its kind of expensive so i was real shocked he offered to take me there. the wait was real long so we went to sit at the bar and i offered to pay for our drinks (they were on a drink special). my bf really liked that. then we sat down and ate. when we paid, he asked me if i wanted to know how much the bill was. it kind of surprised me that he asked me that, so i just said ok he said it was over 50 bucks but he expected it to be that much. i thanked him for dinner and he thanked me for the drinks. great night overall. on the way home i said that i had a lot of fun, and he said, "yeah so did i, it costs us 60 bucks though." so i think he was trying to bitch a little about the price which made me feel bad. he only said it that once though and we didnt talk about it the rest of the time. we had a great weekend overall. one of the best we've ever had. if thats the way it could always be i would love it! we really did have the perfect weekend together so i dont know what to think now. my best friend's bday is coming up this weekend. she wants to go to a semi-expensive restaurant and she invited my bf to come cause her fiance is coming. i said i would pay for dinner because i dont really want to split the check at the table and when i tried to bring the situation up before he said i was taking advantage of him and trying to get a free dinner. i'm hoping he will at least offer to buy me drinks and stuff so then i can buy my friend drinks. according to our agrrement i cant really tell him i cant afford to buy drinks and dinner so ill just have to keep my mouth shut. i really hate this, i dont know waht to do. he is hypersensitive about the issue, so anytime i talk about money its like this huge issue and he gets real defensive. so i guess his little "dont ask, dont tell" thing is working thus far, but will it last? i really worry and that freaks me out. i dont know what to do.
laRubiaBonita Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 i don't get it? if you are semi-broke and cannot afford to go out, why are you going out to eat almost every night? you are going to have to learn to politely say "no, i just can't right now" when your friends ask you to dinner. why not cook more With your boyfriend... it is fun and cheaper than going out. tell your friend, you are really sorry, but you cannot afford it at the moment. let her and her guy go out, you two girls can do something, less expensive- like lunch, some other day.
Guest Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Ok this is just creepy - dating doesn't normally involve so much detail about money. I'd get rid of him - really what future is there? And endless nightmare for years counting pennies? Give him the boot and find someone that's more relaxed and normal about money. He isn't normal at all, and if he's hypersenstive and can't talk about it, well I guess you could make one more effort to find out what the problem really is, but if that doesn't work I'd suggest giving up...there are lots of men out there.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 i don't get it? if you are semi-broke and cannot afford to go out, why are you going out to eat almost every night? you are going to have to learn to politely say "no, i just can't right now" when your friends ask you to dinner. why not cook more With your boyfriend... it is fun and cheaper than going out. tell your friend, you are really sorry, but you cannot afford it at the moment. let her and her guy go out, you two girls can do something, less expensive- like lunch, some other day. well its turned into this big group date sort of thing. we are going down to this restaurant and then to a club afterward.(the club has great drink specials and free admission so i'm not worried about that). my friend always wants to go out to eat..thats her big thing. its hard because she backed me into a corner with this whole dinner date thing. she started inviting everyone and their bfs which makes it very difficult for me. i honestly hate going out to eat, its a waste of money. as for my bf and our dinner date last weekend, he actually offered to take me out. i didnt suggest it or anything. and we dont go out to eat that often. i cant tell my friend no because when we went out for my bday (our bfs didnt come) she spent a lot of money buying me drinks and stuff. its just sort of a sticky situation because invited my bf (well my friend invited him) and i do want to go because she did take me out for mine and spent a ton of money. i just dont know what to do about all this. my friend is the problem with going out to eat, its not really my bf. yes, i am going to start cooking more for my bf, i would much rather do that then pay for a meal. i dont want to tell him i cant afford to pay for dinner, i mean i can pay for it theoretically but i dont know how much it is going to be or waht my bf is going to order. help me please!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Yard Sale Time! i dont have a yard unfortunately..i live in an apartment:(
Star Gazer Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Okay, for this particular birthday situation - assuming it hasn't happened already - tell your friend that you'll meet her out at the club, but that you can't make it to dinner. That way, you know you'll have enough money to shower her with cocktails to celebrate. Just because she invited you doesn't mean that you have to go to dinner. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Period. Your finances are YOUR finances. You shouldn't rely or expect ANY contribution from your boyfriend. He's your boyfriend, not your husband. As for the future, when your BF offers to take you out to these fancy dinners, flatly say no. Tell him it's not worth the expense, and not worth the discomfort you experience when he makes his little "wanna see how much it is?" and "yeah, 60 bucks worth of fun" crappy comments. That said, are you sure from his perspective you aren't taking advantage of how much more money he has than you do? If you're not going out with friends, not shopping, not otherwise spending money that you don't have - that is, if you're truly living and behaving like a drunk grad student - he shouldn't feel uneasy about spending money on your dates/outings/etc. However, if he feels like in some way he's indirectly funding your fun times with all of these dinners out with your friends, I can see why he'd be perturbed.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Okay, for this particular birthday situation - assuming it hasn't happened already - tell your friend that you'll meet her out at the club, but that you can't make it to dinner. That way, you know you'll have enough money to shower her with cocktails to celebrate. Just because she invited you doesn't mean that you have to go to dinner. If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. Period. Your finances are YOUR finances. You shouldn't rely or expect ANY contribution from your boyfriend. He's your boyfriend, not your husband. As for the future, when your BF offers to take you out to these fancy dinners, flatly say no. Tell him it's not worth the expense, and not worth the discomfort you experience when he makes his little "wanna see how much it is?" and "yeah, 60 bucks worth of fun" crappy comments. That said, are you sure from his perspective you aren't taking advantage of how much more money he has than you do? If you're not going out with friends, not shopping, not otherwise spending money that you don't have - that is, if you're truly living and behaving like a drunk grad student - he shouldn't feel uneasy about spending money on your dates/outings/etc. However, if he feels like in some way he's indirectly funding your fun times with all of these dinners out with your friends, I can see why he'd be perturbed. thanks, it actually already happened though. we actually did go to dinner with them (my friend was disapointed and we kind of got into an argument when i told her that we would just meet them at the club), but she actually ending up inviting other people and mostly everyone just got appetizers and drank. (i just ordered me and my bf a drink). i dont try to take advantage of how much money he has..this was just kind of a special circumstance since i did ask him to come out with me for my friends bday. things actually are getting better. over the weekend i surprised him by buying some groceries and cooking him a nice dinner. and he LOVED it. i would much rather do that than go out to dinner. usually i dont expect him to pay for things, sometimes inadvertantly i do because he'll suggest something but then want me to pay for myself cause he cant afford to pay for everything little thing we do (he does have a lot of bills). i cant always offer to pay for myself whenever he wants to go out, because i dont have readily available money at all times. i explained this to him and he said he understood and was going to try to be more understanding. so we'll see i guess!
Aloros Posted April 24, 2007 Posted April 24, 2007 Sheesh. Has he never heard the saying "Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind"? I don't understand why he would invite you out and then make you feel bad/uncomfortable about how much he paid. A relationship is a partnership. In my last relationship, I made more money. I offered to and paid for most of our outings and weekend trips simply because he was still in school. I never complained. I knew that if he were making more money, the favor would be returned. In my current relationship, my bf makes more money than I do. He tends to pay for more things than I do. Money is just not an issue. I took him out for a fancy $120 dinner for xmas, and I didn't even let him see the bill because I didn't want him to feel bad. It sounds like your bf has a bit of a trust issue with you. Are you sure that he is afraid you will take advantage of his money, or is this just guesswork? If it is a trust issue, is there a reason he doesn't trust you? You're a grad student. You won't always be poor. Still, don't make the mistake of assuming this won't be an issue once you get a job. Why would he get angry with you when you don't have money to pay for something? You're a student. Rich or well-to-do student is almost an oxymoron. Does he want to do things that require money, but you don't have it? I'm not quite sure I understand this dynamic. Is it possible to have a rational discussion with him without either of you losing your heads?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 24, 2007 Author Posted April 24, 2007 Sheesh. Has he never heard the saying "Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind"? I don't understand why he would invite you out and then make you feel bad/uncomfortable about how much he paid. A relationship is a partnership. In my last relationship, I made more money. I offered to and paid for most of our outings and weekend trips simply because he was still in school. I never complained. I knew that if he were making more money, the favor would be returned. In my current relationship, my bf makes more money than I do. He tends to pay for more things than I do. Money is just not an issue. I took him out for a fancy $120 dinner for xmas, and I didn't even let him see the bill because I didn't want him to feel bad. It sounds like your bf has a bit of a trust issue with you. Are you sure that he is afraid you will take advantage of his money, or is this just guesswork? If it is a trust issue, is there a reason he doesn't trust you? You're a grad student. You won't always be poor. Still, don't make the mistake of assuming this won't be an issue once you get a job. Why would he get angry with you when you don't have money to pay for something? You're a student. Rich or well-to-do student is almost an oxymoron. Does he want to do things that require money, but you don't have it? I'm not quite sure I understand this dynamic. Is it possible to have a rational discussion with him without either of you losing your heads? he's got some weird issue with money. at first i thought he was just cheap, but hes honestly not. he does offer to pay for me, i do know how much he makes and he does have bills, he wants to always go out and do a lot of stuff (movies, dinners, ect.) but doesnt want to pay for both of us. he has readily available money to do things, granted not a TON, but he can offer to pay for more things we do, more often. i think he realizes this, but he still gets upset and frustrated because he wants to go out and do a lot of stuff, but doesnt want to pay for both of us. i guess he doesnt offer to pay for every single thing we do, he said because he cant afford it. i'm not sure if thats the truth or not.
Mezzi Posted April 25, 2007 Posted April 25, 2007 Ok this is just creepy - dating doesn't normally involve so much detail about money. I'd get rid of him - really what future is there? And endless nightmare for years counting pennies? Give him the boot and find someone that's more relaxed and normal about money. He isn't normal at all, and if he's hypersenstive and can't talk about it, well I guess you could make one more effort to find out what the problem really is, but if that doesn't work I'd suggest giving up...there are lots of men out there. Totally agree, could not have said it better myself!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 25, 2007 Author Posted April 25, 2007 i dont want to break up with him i love him. i asked him what the deal was and he just said that he doesnt like it when i act like i'm dependent on him for money because he thinks im just with him cause he has money and i dont. he's starting to get better about the issue, we arent fighting about it anymore. he likes to save money, and so do i so we have that in common. neither of us believe in going out and spending a ton of money. so we'll see what happens.
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