StartingOver07 Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 First off, let me say that I am not a kid but a grown woman in her 40's who has a significant amount of relationship experience. But I am very confused about this situation and am hoping that someone can shed some insight. About 2 months ago, I began seeing this man and for the few 2-3 weeks, things were very good. It was very obvious that he was interested in me. I would go so far as to say that he was falling for me. He spoke of things we would do in the future, i.e., places we would go, etc. It was developing into a lovely romance and I was enjoying it quite a bit, as was he. Then he suddenly pulled back. We still saw each other, but his moods were up and down and talk about future activities was curbed. I asked him about this and he replied that he gets depressed at times and when he does, he just wants to stay home and be alone. He has no energy for anyone or anything. He said that he sometimes he is the guy he was when we first started dating but at other times he is very depressed. I have known him as an acquantance for over a year and I suspect there is truth to this. However, it's hard for me to understand what has happened emotionally. It seems and feels that he has shut down emotionally and this makes it very difficult for me to know how or whether to proceed. For what it's worth, I do not believe that there are any issues of him seeing someone else; he has, in fact, asked that we be exclusive. I am just trying to figure out whether this is something I should consider riding out or if he has had a change of heart about me but simply doesn't want to end things just yet.
Guest Posted April 16, 2007 Posted April 16, 2007 He told you he gets like this. If he's not seeing an IC for help in dealing with it then you know what the future will be in this relationship.
Author StartingOver07 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Sorry for the double post. I posed this question as a guest on Saturday and then decided to join today, whereupon I reposted (my guest post hadn't shown up at that time). Anyway, I have lurked here long enough to know that there are many insightful members and I am hoping some of them will pop in here and share their thoughts. I am not looking so much for guidance as to what to do next, but help in reading what is happening now (so that I can decide what I want to do next). If that makes sense. Thanks.
DanielMadr Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 First off, let me say that I am not a kid but a grown woman in her 40's who has a significant amount of relationship experience. But I am very confused about this situation and am hoping that someone can shed some insight. About 2 months ago, I began seeing this man and for the few 2-3 weeks, things were very good. It was very obvious that he was interested in me. I would go so far as to say that he was falling for me. He spoke of things we would do in the future, i.e., places we would go, etc. It was developing into a lovely romance and I was enjoying it quite a bit, as was he. Then he suddenly pulled back. We still saw each other, but his moods were up and down and talk about future activities was curbed. I asked him about this and he replied that he gets depressed at times and when he does, he just wants to stay home and be alone. He has no energy for anyone or anything. He said that he sometimes he is the guy he was when we first started dating but at other times he is very depressed. I have known him as an acquantance for over a year and I suspect there is truth to this. However, it's hard for me to understand what has happened emotionally. It seems and feels that he has shut down emotionally and this makes it very difficult for me to know how or whether to proceed. For what it's worth, I do not believe that there are any issues of him seeing someone else; he has, in fact, asked that we be exclusive. I am just trying to figure out whether this is something I should consider riding out or if he has had a change of heart about me but simply doesn't want to end things just yet. He is obviously down now. Its hard to say how serious it is....even you cant tell unless you live with him 24/7. It could be he has some depression and I mean serious depression disorder etc. or simply he is down. I dont think you are the main reason for his mood swing. Its probably a habit for him. But I think you can change it. Bring optimism to his life. May I ask you how far are you two? I mean he was falling for you. Have you reciprocited? Maybe he needs reassurance his heart wont be broken. Take a few steps to him. If he freaks out and shut off, you have your answer but I seriously think he will be pleased with the new energy in your relationship you bring in. Take a little initiative, tell him you like him, it will work like doping for him. He was giving you his affection. Have you give him some back? He could be sucked dry now...and down.
Author StartingOver07 Posted April 17, 2007 Author Posted April 17, 2007 Thanks, Daniel. In answer to your question: Yes, I was reciprocating. I was quite happy with the direction things were taking in the beginning, but then he fell into his first "funk" and it threw me for a loop because the depression caused him to distance himself from me. He then began saying that he is not happy with himself and therefore doesn't know what he wants in life, etc. These are flags to me and, absent the depression, I would simply gracefully bow out. What I am trying to sort at this point is whether this is a case of red flags plus depression or red flags caused by depression. Or better stated, how much of his indecision is a result of mood and not necessarily his true feelings. Or am I trying to separate that which cannot be separated? I have noticed that I am able to pull him out of his moods to some extent if I make a big effort to do so. The question I am struggling with is whether this is something I want to take on -- someone who is happy and "in love" one week and then withdrawn and unsure the next. At this stage of the game, that sort of behavior is confusing. Later on, it could be devastating.
nicki Posted April 17, 2007 Posted April 17, 2007 Believe what he says is happening. I doubt very much you have anything to do with it. He probably is coming down a bit from the initial "love high" and is showing you his real self. Everybody has highs and lows. What you want to know is if this is within "normal" boundaries, or if it signals a bigger problem. Time will tell. How may times has this happened with him? Is he doing anything about these despressive episodes? Medication? Therapy? Ask him what he needs from you to help him when he feels like this. Don't feel like it's your problem to solve, but do what you can do to be there for him. He may want to be cheered up, taken out and distracted. Or he may want to keep to himself. Bottom line is that you can help him, but he has to be helping himself, too, or what kind of relationship are you in? One where he does no work to improve things? That in itself is a big red flag. So see what the deeper meaning is here. I would have a talk with him. Ask him about it. How long as this been going on? What is his history of life events/trauma? Couples work things out, but there has to be effort on both parts. I wouldn't just sit back and accept a relationship where a guy is chronically depressed without doing anything about it. You are wise to be alert to this as a potential deal breaker. Or, it could be that he is just a bit moody and tempermental. Time will tell you. You are a smart woman if you are already watching this situation. Look at how you feel when you are with him. If, after time, you feel bad most of the time, get out.
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