tommyr Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Well I am feeling pretty down right, having reached yet another low point in my feelings for the wife (11 years). It may seem I am over reacting at this moment, and maybe in the morning I will come around. As for right now though, I am pretty certain that my wife simply has no physical desire for me at all. But if I try really really REALLY hard and manage to get all the stars properly aligned, the kids asleep, the dishes cleaned, bills paid, etc, maybe she is able to "fake interest" for a few weeks of pretty decent sex. But ultimately her true nature returns- she would much prefer to read books and eat snacks than be with me physically. So there it is- she is not into me physically, and now I am not too sure how much I am into her non-physically. Tonight as she was nearly asleep on the sofa, I just could not stand even being in the house right now so I grab a sleeping bag and quietly head for the front door. She mumbles something "where are you going" and I told her "to my office" but I honestly don't think she was even listening for a reply or cared. So tonight begins my first night away from home. Don't know if I am going home tomorrow or ever. I am almost embarrased to admit this, but without consistent sex (lets say every week or even 2X week), the truth is I might not even love her at all. When the sex is good, I am a very happy and loving husband. No sex, I quickly become bitter and resentful. I am a great father and probably a pretty decent husband (certainly a very good provider) but I am not so sure I can carry on this illusion of "sure honey I am happy to offer you anything in this world you want and I certainly don't expect any intimacy from you". Is it actually love if I have a firm condition/expectation of regular sex? Maybe the truth is I don't love her at all, I just want to get laid.. and in return I willing to act like a decent husband?
whichwayisup Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Tommy, maybe you'd feel better by going to talk to someone, get some one on one counselling in to sort out your feelings and thoughts. You're hurting and that is obvious. But, leaving your house to sleep somewhere else is NOT the answer. What will your kids think when they wake up and daddy isn't there? By leaving like this, you're confusing and hurting them too, not only your wife. Talk to her, get to marriage counselling, FIX this!
Mr. Lucky Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 So tonight begins my first night away from home. Don't know if I am going home tomorrow or ever. My friend, this is not the way to do it. I would not advise you to go or stay, that is your choice and, given the circumstances you describe, a tough one indeed. However, there are three (or more) people that have a huge stake in the proceedings: 1). Your Wife - You've been married 11 years and she at least deserves a face-to-face discussion of the specifics of what your doing and why your doing it now. There is also going to be an immediate need to discuss things like access to the house, kids, finances, etc. 2). Your Kids - They need to know what's going on. Don't sell them short - in an absence of information, they'll draw their own conclusions. Do you want that to be based soley on your Wife's opinions. 3). You - Divorce (and separation) is hard, as any survivor (myself included) will tell you. It's tough physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, professionally and financially. If you're going down that road, don't make base camp a sleeping bag on the floor of your office. Get a place close to your kids, they'll need you now more than ever. In other words, plan, prepare and consider. This isn't something you want to do impulsively... Mr. Lucky
rb45 Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 Tommy, you are not alone, I've been married 22yrs and you just described what my marriage has been like the last couple years. What upsets me the most is I love my wife more that anything in the world, she loves me but our sex life has gone from 5 times a week for the first 15yrs to none in the last 3wks and counting. I have tried to talk, I have screamed and yelled,and fought, and it never lasts more than a week or so and we are right back to nothing. She has gone to doctors, tried counseling, last year i convinced her to stop B.C. pills thinking they were interferring, that lasted 2 months and her sister talked her into Depo shots, which gave her a 2 month long period, and gain another 10-15 pounds. She will not talk, one of the things we fight about is the fact she will not sit down and talk TO me, she talks at me sometimes, she makes decisions that affect us, like the Depo, without even discusssing it ahead of time. This has affected me greatly, i have gained weight, haven't been myself ( probably depressed) for the last 2 yrs. I feel for you
Author tommyr Posted April 10, 2007 Author Posted April 10, 2007 My mood swings over this have been getting more severe and frequent lately. I am considering the possibility that my current problems are (at least partly) maybe due to my own mental health? I am seeing a psychiatrist tomorrow morning, just to check out this angle. Will let you all know how that goes. Meanwhile, am back home tonight for dinner. Told the wife I am seeing a shrink and (oddly enough) she does not seem too shocked!
VinaAmez Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 A psychiatrist isn't going to fix your sex life. Only you and your W can do that.
quankanne Posted April 11, 2007 Posted April 11, 2007 a good counsellor will help give you the tools you need to help you face and fix the problems in your life. So in that sense, his seeing a psychiatrist is a smart move, IMO. sex is the most intimate means of communicating love for someone. It's like you write, "When the sex is good, I am a very happy and loving husband." When that goes awry, for whatever reason, we become plagued with doubts and start second-guessing ourselves. you're taking a positive step seeking counselling, so encourage your wife to do the same, maybe even consider marriage counselling. The more you learn about yourselves and your marriage, the more you help yourselves heal the problems that affect it. I have the sneaking suspicion that you care a great deal more than you let on, but maybe your hurt and anger make you feel as if you don't. Trust me on this – when you get the tools to work through this, you'll start looking at your relationship from a new perspective. good luck, q
Author tommyr Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 OK I had an hour meeting w the psychologist (he is a PhD, not an MD). Tried to be as fair as possible- no wife bashing, and give her all the props she deserves for the progress we have made. My reasons for spending $200 for 60 minutes 1) maybe I have some "mental health issue" that could explain my (in hindsight) disproportionate response (desire to move out of the house) to the situation 2) see if my expectations are really just unreasonable and if I should just accept the fact my wife will only have sex 2 or 3 times per month Well according to my therapist, I am not crazy, I dont need to go on meds, and he asked if my wife will come in for couples therapy. My blowup is probably due to alot of life stress (Easter Sun my pickup truck flipped upside down trapping 3 of my relatives who where then hospitalized for 2 days.. I had loaned them my truck) So I am relieved about not being crazy but also this does not really explain anything. Also, my wife was not too happy to hear this outcome. I guess she was expecting them to send me home with a prescription for meds, some Playboy magazines and tissue paper (as if I don't already have a masturbation kit). Based on her reaction, I don't think this particular therapist is a wise choice for us as a couple. I plan to go back for a few more individual sessions, but I think I will let the wife choose our marriage counselor. Meanwhile, I must signoff now for my hot date with SuperPornBabe.jpg
IpAncA Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Glad your getting IC. Hopefully your W will attend with you. Even if it's someone else. Good Luck!
Mr. Lucky Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Based on her reaction, I don't think this particular therapist is a wise choice for us as a couple. I plan to go back for a few more individual sessions, but I think I will let the wife choose our marriage counselor. Meanwhile, I must signoff now for my hot date with SuperPornBabe.jpg Glad to see you still have your sense of humor! "Based on her reaction", you shouldn't be having a healthy sex life either. Why not let her go with you to see this counselor and get some tough love? Mr. Lucky
quankanne Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 give the guy a chance – maybe he'll get her to take a long hard look at the reason for her low sex drive and help her see that all levels of intimacy are important to a marriage. just curious here: does she completely shun physical expressions of love/caring, like hugs, kisses, touches, etc?
StayClose Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Let's see.. you're depressed in part due to a lack of affection, and your wife's solution is for you to go on drugs? I think it would be a good for the two of you to go in for some counseling together. The problem is withh the dyynamics of your relationship, not your brain chemistry.
faithfulgirlie Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I want sex once a day at lease. And my husband will go 2 months and it will not bother him. I'm to the point where I want to leave him, I hated him, and I don't even want to talk to him. I just rather be at work. I eat sleeping pills so I don't think about him not giving me sex. It bothers me. I think I'm attrative, most guys wouldn't even think twice about not sleeping with me. He said he don't want to have sex with me because it bothers him to know so many guys are attrative to me. What the heck??? Then why isn't he?
Mr. Lucky Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 He said he don't want to have sex with me because it bothers him to know so many guys are attrative to me. Freudian slip? Do you mean it bothers him that you find so many other guys attactive (which is waht you said) or that other men find you attractive? Big difference... Mr. Lucky
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