Complicated situation,

[Zapbasket]

This may be long, sorry--I want to present all the pieces as I'm really at a loss for what to do.

 

My boyfriend and I met when we were 25 and were together for 5 years, until this past December. He broke up with me three months after moving cross-country so we could be together, after having discussed and planned this for three years. I was shocked and still am. We'd been arguing all fall after he moved, but I thought discord was inevitable given he was transitioning to a new job and city, I was looking for and then adjusting to a new job in a new field and finishing my master's thesis, and we'd been long distance the previous three years during which time a lot of resentments had accumulated. I trusted we'd work through this as we acclimated to our new situation, and we'd end up getting engaged as planned. On November 11, he broke up with me over the phone, but then we reconciled a few days later and never really discussed the break-up, which made me anxious. I asked him several times, "Was that a dry-run for the real thing?" and he said no. But on December 5, again he broke up with me over the phone, he said "it's over" and hung up on me and turned off his phone. Earlier that day he told me I was no longer invited to spend the holidays with him and his family (whom I love) out west, claiming that tickets were too expensive (he works in finance, I in publishing, so I couldn't afford my own ticket and he had airline points). That weekend I called him but he refused to see me; the next day I showed up at his apartment and said if he's going to go through with it he'd have to do it right. He blamed me for everything, said he felt I had treated him "like sh**," and said that the way he felt he didn't want to continue the relationship but he "needed space" and "would call me in the New Year." We parted in tears and with a loving hug. I immediately called his parents to tell them I was sorry not to be coming for Christmas, and they said my boyfriend was devastated by the breakup and "maybe we needed space to figure out what we each really wanted."

 

The holidays were hell for me. I heard nothing from him the whole time, despite calling a few times to wish him a Merry Christmas and mailing him a long mea culpa letter in which I did not grovel, but apologized for the things I felt I had done wrong and also spoke about how his stonewalling behavior all fall and before made me feel, and made me anxious and defensive in ways he couldn't deall with. When he returned east, we I contacted him and he said he'd meet with me "for closure" but after that never wanted to see me again. I went to our--now his--apartment, and he was so closed off, so obviously hurt and angry but said nothing except that again he blamed me for everything. He was firm and definite: "It's over. I'm detaching myself and moving on." Still, I just didn't believe it. There was so much hurt an anger there and he definitely is a grudge-holder and isn't always aware of his own emotions, and I just couldn't believe he'd arrived at such a definite position.

 

A few weeks passed; I tried calling him and left messages but received no response. On Jan. 22 I called him at work to ask whether we could please talk about this after work, and he said I "don't need to know his reasons for breaking up with me," that "he can't walk me through this" and "do I not believe him when he says it's over" and to "stop calling him" and he hung up on me. That Friday was our 5-year anniversary and I sent him a picture from our celebration of our first anniversary and asked him please to reconsider and assured him I loved him. No response. I didn't contact him again until his birthday in mid-February. I was devastated not to be a part of it, and although I didn't contact him on his actual birthday, I sent a card, and called the day before and day after, saying I couldn't believe two people who loved each other and were devoted to each other for so long could end like this and please would he talk to me. The next day I received an e-mail in which he said that having told me it's over he has no obligation to discuss things with me, and furthermore he doesn't want to because he feels that with me there "will never be enough discussion." (One dynamic of ours was that I always had to bring up the difficult stuff and he never wanted to talk about things; he'd always sweep things under the rug.) He said he "is no longer my best friend so I can't count upon him for support," that his principle reason for breaking up with me is that "he does not want to be in a relationship with me," and that "he's sorry he has to say this, but he requests that I stop contacting him." And that was that. Since then, there has been no contact.

 

I am devastated. I don't know what I can do. I never would have expected this from him, or from our relationship. I realize I'm leaving a lot of details out, but from the sound of it is there anything I can do to either reconcile or end things on a better note? On December 1, he toasted us at a restaurant and told me he wanted to be with me "forever." I just feel confused, though I acknowledge we were having problems I felt they were completely understandable given our situation, and resolvable, and I am devastated over losing him. Is there any hope that he will contact me to reconcile in the future? Is there any letter I could write or action I could take that would do anything?

 

If you need more details, just ask. I finally had to post here because I just don't know what to do, or to think, or even how to deal.

[bridget_jones]

I'm sorry he put you through this. Look, don't try to contact him anymore. You haven't done anything wrong. Even if you ever did get together, would you want to be married to a man like that? I can't say I've EVER had a boyfriend hang up on me.

Hate to say this but he could have met someone else and doesn't want to admit this to you. Since you're so friendly with his parents, could you call and ask his mom what is up? I think he probably met her around Nov. when he first mentioned breaking up. Very possible he took HER home for the holidays.

Also...just think, you are 30 years old now? This guy is nowhere near the point he's going to commit. If you got engaged, he probably would keep backing out. Don't waste anymore time on this...a**hole. You are too good for him.

[norajane]

He blamed me for everything, said he felt I had treated him "like sh**,"

 

...

 

mailing him a long mea culpa letter in which I did not grovel, but apologized for the things I felt I had done wrong

 

...

 

his principle reason for breaking up with me is that "he does not want to be in a relationship with me," and that "he's sorry he has to say this, but he requests that I stop contacting him"

 

I believe you've done everything you can. I don't know what his issues with you are, but his last email to you was very clear about what he wants. I think if you continue to try contacting him, you'll aggravate the situation even further.

 

It's time to let it go, as painful as that is for you.

[Zapbasket]

Bridget_jones, your reply makes me feel good--all during our long-distance period he would constantly hang up on me and it would make me furious and I'd yell at him for it...but I felt guilty, like I caused him to hang up on me because I never wanted to get off the phone. We talked at least an hour every night, and he would grow impatient and want to get off the phone and I would get upset. It was irrational but I was going through a very confusing and unhappy time and missed him and wanted contact any way I could. MOst of our residual resentments from the long-distance stemmed from that dynamic. That's what he was referring to in his awful February finalizing e-mail, when he said, "One of the reasons I don't want to discuss things with you is that there will never be enough discussion, just as there was never enough arguing, or phone discussions, etc. I argued with him all fall after he moved here because I could feel he was resenting me, and testing me, and I was terrified, frankly, and he wouldn't, or couldn't, tell me what was going on. Until the break-up, of course.

 

I did contact his mother in January; she was very kind but said her son doesn't communicate his feelings with them and she tries to give him space by not asking. I had asked him when we met on Jan. 4 whether there was someone else and he said no, and I believe him. Neither of us are the cheating kind and I always felt good being able to trust him so completely on that during our three-year long distance.

 

But your calling him out for the hanging up and what I want to believe was an AWFUL way to end a 5-year relationship makes me feel better, because I blame myself for everything even though I know it's irrational. Our LDR period began because he finished his PhD the same spring I finished my BA (2003), and he took a job back home while I went for a one-year master's in the midwest. I discovered my field was not what I thought it was and was unable to finish my thesis in time, and had three choices: to move to be with him an finish it, to stay in the same city where my university was, or to move home. I wanted to go live with him but felt intimidated that his whole family and milieu was there, and I just didn't feel ready to form strong ties to his family when I didn't feel he himself was independent enough from them. My mother is my only living family and I was afraid of adopting his family as my own and then we wouldn't work out. Also, I was terribly confused about my career prospects. Bottom line is, it took me two years of terrible depression (not clinical) and confusion and identity crisis to finish my thesis, during which time there were times he wanted to visit me and I wouldn't let him because I didn't want him to see how unhappy I was. I tried talking to him about it and in that way was honest about what was going on, but while he was *patient* I didn't really feel he understood because he mainly felt he was being put off. For this I feel tremendous guilt, and now he's gone and I fear he'll never know how much I loved him. Rationally I know it's not all my fault; after all, he was making big bucks in finance and could have moved, but I was really stuck and had used up all my savings and was barely making any money and felt guilty that my mom had paid for me to receive this degree and I couldn't let her down.

 

And now it's too late. And I can't accept it. I really wanted to be with him forever. I want to write him a letter or something, but my six-page mea culpa letter over Christmas, which I thought would instigate more honest communication and heal our mutual hurts, inspired this response instead: "I don't need to say why I'm breaking up with you because it's all in your letter. And why would you send someone a letter like that, anyway?" I'd shown the letter to my mom, and she said it could melt a heart of stone. I was so baffled that my letter had the effect on him it did.

 

The other thing is that he's really *not* an *******. He is very devoted to his family and though he has not always been perfect or kind, he has overall been a wonderful boyfriend--or so I thought (I should admit that this is my first serious relationship)--and is truly a superior human being, which is why I was attracted to him in the first place. I just feel so lost, can't stop crying, and this just doesn't feel right, this ending. The thing that really kills me is that usually I'm a very good reader of situations and dymanics between people, and here I feel like the dunce who just can't acept it's over and clearly is missing something.

[Zapbasket]

I believe you've done everything you can. I don't know what his issues with you are, but his last email to you was very clear about what he wants. I think if you continue to try contacting him, you'll aggravate the situation even further.

 

It's time to let it go, as painful as that is for you.

 

Norajane, I hear you, and friends have said the same. I guess I just can't understand cutting someone off like that, who's been a part of your life for half a decade. I know people do it, but I guess I never thought it would happen to me. I read those words, "stop contacting me," and I just don't understand. On the rare occasions when I've had to cut someone off, generally the truth has been that I never really liked them much in the first place, only tolerated them. I don't believe that was the case with my ex. I just don't understand; it's like my brain just stops and believe me I *try* to understand. It's just not how I feel things should go between people who once loved each other.

[norajane]

It sounds like things have been complicated and unhappy between you over a long period of time. They've been building and building in his mind - and since you say you were the one who always had to bring up issues because he avoided doing so - he's tried to avoid the conflict. Eventually, he couldn't take it anymore and was done.

 

He can cut off contact with you because he's been distancing himself from you and detaching himself from the relationship for a while - you just didn't know it. By the time he actually broke up with you, he was done. Unfortunately, that means you now have to start that process of detachment and work your way up to letting go.

 

However, things have a way of working out for the best in the end, you just don't necessarily see that at the time. It doesn't sound like you've been happy in this relationship for a long time. Both of you had resentments and pain building up for a long time. Neither of you was happy. No contact is the best way to let go, so there are no new emails to ponder, no new hurts to deal with - no contact helps you heal, and YOU WILL HEAL.

 

So give yourself time to mourn. One day, though, you will be able to start fresh with someone else, someone that is truly a better match for you and there won't be resentment and pain. It will feel so much better when you are in a relationship where you don't have to feel like you are beating your head against the wall all the time.

[Zapbasket]

That's the thing, though, Norajane, I was unhappy, but I attributed that to the long distance, not to the person. I loved being with him and it seemed he felt the same. Starting this past summer, however, as he prepared to move east to be with me, he was very hard on me. I felt I was constantly on the chopping block and was anxious, as the way we were interacting didn't feel like the way two people planning on moving in together should be interacting. In August, he told me that he could get a roommate who could pay more than I could, as by this time I had almost nothing in my account and was desperately looking for jobs, interviewing, etc. But then, he told me he wanted me to move in right away. I never did move in, because there was so much resentment emanating from him that I felt if he was in a position where he always had to pay for everything it would NOT help ameliorate things between us. I worked my ass off though and found a great job and began saving like crazy so I could move in and then he broke up with me. All the frustrations we were having I attributed to distance, and it seemed he was still in love with me and even told me he was: "To a beautiful person I want to be with forever," he toasted me on DEcember 1 while holding my hands and smiling. What kills me is that we never would have put up with the distance if there were not some expectation of being together in the same city and ultimately getting married. And then he's here two months barely and POOF! I feel like the whole past several years for me were completely wasted. I don't understand why he didn't even just give us a chance to FIND OUT what living together would have been like. I expected all the frustrations from the distance to melt away and us to have a wonderful relatoinship. Now I'll never know, and it kills me, and I am so confused. I really thought he loved me and wanted this as much as I did, though at the same time, Norajane, what you say makes sense. Sooooo confused....

[polywog]

Ugh, greencove! This, I relate too much to, and my heart just aches for you.

We connected on another thread, you know, and having read through this I see parallel situations with men who are too opaque in their motives. Geez.

[Cossette4]

My heart goes out to you, Green. I was in the exact same situation 8 months ago. You can read my previous threads for the details if you want, but basically I was in a 5 year relationship with a guy who always treated me with respect, never cheated on me, never said mean things to me, seemed totally head over heels in love and devoted to me, etc.....

 

It was actually ME who was feeling "uncertain" about our relationship during the last year, because we had been growing apart--I was graduating and looking to start my career....he was...being a loser. So we fought about it basically all the time.

 

Then I went to NYC for a summer internship and 2 weeks after visiting me out there, he called me up on the phone to tell me it's over. He said EXACTLY the same kinda stuff your ex said to you. That totally emotionless, casual, annoyed voice telling you, "Sorry but I'm over it. Stop contacting me. It's done." I KNOW how CREEPED OUT you feel because in 5 years, this person NEVER spoke to me so disrespectfully and then all of a sudden these horrible statements are pouring out over the phone. It really makes my stomach hurt to read what you wrote because it brings it all back for me.

 

So I did exactly what you did--called him, wanted to TALK about it (not necessarily get back together because, hey, we were growing apart, but just to give some value and worth to what we had for 5 years), I sent him pictures from NYC that we took together, left voicemail after voicemail, etc. and he just refused to answer....So apparently, when someone says "We are over," they no longer have to give you any respect or acknowledgement as a human being.

 

So a month later, I return home and find out the worst news of my life--he started dating a girl he met at work a week after we broke up and they started LIVING TOGETHER after just 2 weeks (something we never did). This is literally like, the world turned upside down for me. In 5 years, my ex never even flirted with another girl and now he pulls a stunt like this?!?!?! (I have no evidence that he cheated on me, but I'm assuming he definitely was at least planning to date this girl while we were still dating, which is pretty much cheating in my mind.)

 

The worst thing is I asked him on the phone if there was someone else and he acted like, "No of course not. I wouldn't do that. I just want to be single and figure things out." And then he does this.

 

Then to make matters even MORE CRAZY, I find out who the girl is----she's bisexual, a highschool dropout, and she has a myspace and a website where she describes her many tattoos and piercings and posts naked pics of herself wrapped in ducttape and bubble wrap. She also has her hair cut like a boy. (Quick background on me---Catholic conservative, valedictorian of my highschool class and graduated from college with a 4.0, only have my ears pierced and no tattoos, long blonde hair.) So...basically me and "the new girl" are polar opposites.

 

Then I finally begged to meet with him for "closure" and all he could talk about was how his new girlfriend makes him sooooo happy because I treated him "horrible." SOUND FAMILIAR?

 

And FYI, he was also the kind of guy who ran away from problems, avoided conflict at all costs, never wanted to open up and talk about anything serious, so I've discovered that these people act like this in breakups because they are COWARDS.

 

I know it's INSANE. I remember him being in NYC talking about marriage and our wedding reception, and yet now I know that while he was doing that, he probably had this other girl and this whole plan of what he was about to do to me in mind. It's sick and it's sad.

 

I've been hurting more than I've ever hurt for the past 8 months. I've figured out it's not that I want him back (like I said, we were growing apart so it probably wasn't meant to be), but it's just because this betrayal and disrespect hurts so bad.

 

I have been collecting a list of positive advice/thoughts from my family, friends, this forum, and myself. I'll post some and hopefully they will help.

• You’ll get through this.
  
• What goes around comes around.
  
• Make the most of what comes and the least of what goes.
  
• HE is the one who has obviously changed--NOT YOU.
  
• He obviously isn't someone you would want to be with for the rest of your life--he is a coward who runs away from problems, and he will selfishly break your heart to lessen his own pain.
  
• God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle.
  
• Every problem is a character-building opportunity.
  
• People who don’t take the time to assess and process relationships are doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over again.
  
• Success is the best revenge.
  
• You miss the person they were, not the person they are today.
  
• Don’t let anyone steal your self-esteem from you.
  
• You are only human.
  
• Family Feud Episode: “A real man would break up with his girlfriend in person. Tell me how a coward would do it.” Top Answer = Phone! (Saw this on TV and laughed so hard I cried).
  
• I had a moment where I was weak, whereas he is just weak period.
  
• Everything ends. Even feelings of sadness.
  
• Life goes on, and the wound we feel from a heartbreak will become a scar one day, a memory we will hold with us always.
  
• When you hit rock bottom, be sure to leave all of the things that you can't control there on the bottom - if not they will just weigh you down and you'll wind up right back where you started.

[mattea]

wow, greencove, i'm so sorry you're going through this. i think you are in shock, and understandably so. it really sounds so hard to make sense of, how he could just flip like that after such a long relationship. i think it may be true what norajane said about the decision building for him while he wasn't talking to you about what he was thinking and feeling, leaving you to feel blindsided.

 

i really really feel for you. i've been blindsided like this before and i know how awful and confusing it is. and that he won't talk to you and help you get some understanding to help with closure is just so hard.

 

i know you are dealing with realizing he's not the person you thought he was, and that's really hard to accept. can you take some time to think about what love means to you, what you want out of a partner? i mean, do you see yourself with someone who isn't able to bring up and discuss issues and talk them through with you? is what he is doing now something that someone you can see yourself sharing a life with would do? maybe you'll come to a place of peace realizing that you wouldn't want to be with someone who has acted as he has, as disappointing as it is.

 

i also understand the temptation to blame yourself. i've done that even when the other person isn't blaming me, just because i can be hard on myself. but you know what? it sounds like you really didn't do anything wrong. maybe sometimes the relationship was hard and hey, you weren't perfect. nobody is. partnership means talking things out, forgiving, and accepting other's flaws. do you really think you did anything to deserve him just severing your relationship without even trying to talk to you over time and work through things?

[Zapbasket]

Mattea and Cossette4, thank you for all you've written here. When I return home from work, I want to respond to each of you in more detail.

 

But for now, a question; obviously I am feeling tremendous remorse and self-recrimination: Was I a bad girlfriend for deciding to move home to finish my thesis? I felt he was just too attached to his family to really honor the difference I'd bring to his milieu and I trusted that if I moved home, given we felt so right together, we'd make it through and then when we did live together we'd be more able to manage in a mature way. I really agonized over the decision, and now I feel tremendous remorse. I didn't anticipate getting so lost and taking so long to finish. But I tried to show him how much I loved him through our evening phone conversations; I gave up most all of my social life to be sure I was always going to be available to engage as fully as possible in our phone conversations. That's why it hurt me so much when he'd hang up on me. Mattea, I feel like this was the principle "offense" I committed--that, and the fact that this fall and before I had become so frustrated with his stonewalling behaviors, and they made me so anxious, that I was angry at him all the time, and said things I shouldn't have. Also, he had ganged his friends up on me, telling me how they all were questioning me and my choices and devotion to him, and it hurt me so much and made me so powerless I wound up saying I didn't like his friends, which was not true. He then used that as one of the reasons he was breaking up with me, and even though I tried to explain to him how his ganging them up on me was terribly unfair and made me feel unloved and helpless, and that I only said I didn't like them to express my hurt, he didn't care.

 

I feel like I was a terrible girlfriend, and I can't get over this. Does it sound awful to you objective outsiders?

[bridget_jones]

The more you write about your ex, the more you are showing how awful he treated you. You did nothing wrong.

You can do better than this guy, he's a jerk. Seriously. Hanging up on you? A man who loves and respects you doesn't do that all the time. I have never dated a guy who did that to me, much less been in a serious relationship.

Just forget about him, and look forward to meeting someone better!

[mattea]

aw greencove, i'm sorry. i know how hard it is when you feel responsible but from what you described, i really don't think you did anything wrong! i mean, if you two were in love when you moved and wanting to make it work, then he also could have moved with you. i know he's close to his family, but you were his partner and we're talking about your education. and it sounds like you were very committed while being long distance. you made every effort to make that work.

the bottom line to me is that, if he had issues with you moving away, or with being long distance, or WHATEVER he was having issues about, he didn't talk to you about them so you two could work them out together. what on earth could YOU do about that? he obviously was having problems in the relationship, which is normal but you have to tell your partner or how will they get resolved?

[Zapbasket]

Mattea, I just read your thread about taking a break, and I'm honored ( ) but also surprised that you feel my moving home to finish my thesis rather than moving to be with him wasn't indicative of lack of commitment or love on my part. Given your situation about your partner considering moving for school and you moving to be with him, what do you think of this:

 

My partner was VERY well rooted in his milieu out west. His family is very close and he adores them, and his friends are loyal and longstanding and he has a lot of fun with them. Plus, where he was working they would take long lunches to play soccer. He moved east solely to be with me. We looked for and found an apartment together this past August, and he moved in early September. He paid all the rent, as at the time I was still job-hunting and broke. It was a two-bedroom and he kept one room empty for when I was to move in; we were going to turn that room into an office. He wanted nothing more than for me to move in. Well, actually he sent mixed messages: over the summer he got frustrated at the amount of rent I said I'd probably be able to pay given the comparatively low salary of the non-finance positions available to me, and said he could get a roommate who could pay more, which totally deflated me and made me feel he *didn't* want to move in. But, he kept asking me to come sleep over and I only did so 3 or 4 times the whole three months he was here before we broke up. I was living at my mom's in the suburbs and he would come out to be with me there on the weekends.

 

I didn't stay at the apartment because it had become such a site of contention, and I felt like we were arguing all the time and I felt he resented everything I did. I didn't stay because I was scared; I was scrambling to get rid of the albatross of my thesis, and looking for jobs, and interviewing, and finally starting and beginning a job, and I just felt overwhelmed and his visible but silent resentment did not help.

 

But in light of your situation, Mattea, and the comment someone left on your thread that if you're going to move your partner had better show some real commitment, what do you think? This is where I feel tremendous guilt; I don't know how those months passed so quickly and I barely was at his apartment. I wanted to be with him, but I didn't feel safe at the apartment; I felt he was resenting me and it scared me. I keep looking back over my actions and attitudes during that time this fall and wonder: was I not being committed? Was I not giving my all to the relationship? One of the reasons he said he was breaking up with me is because I am "unable to compromise." But I felt I was trying to accommodate to what he wanted, and I was desperate to please him as I felt he was so pissed at me. I thought he wanted me to contribute meaningfully to rent, and so I worked my ass off to find the most stable, best job I could, and I did find it. I didn't want to be a financial liability to him. Do I sound like I couldn't commit? Were my actions unloving in appearance? Do they justify, to any of you, his breaking up with me, and why?

 

As you can see, I am so devastated, I just can't see straight, or think straight; it's amazing I'm functioning outwardly as well as I am. So any advice is so welcome and I am very appreciative of all I have received so far!

[mattea]

hey greencove. man do i remember those days of not being able to see or think straight and wondering HOW it would ever get better! when my ex sent me in to shock i couldn't eat, sleep and had a lot of trouble working. it DOES get better!

 

anyway, on to your question. i actually was thinking about that because your situation made me have a little more appreciation for the position my boyfriend is in. yes, a relationship should be a high priority, but he's going to go law school and that's a big deal and big decision too. i'm kind of like your guy was in that i am very rooted where i am. i have a ton of history here, have lived here longer than anywhere else (13 yrs), have a great core of friends, just got a good job, know a lot of people in terms of networking, and just generally love it. so it'd be hard for me to leave, and i know my boyfriend knows that.

 

the thing is, i think our situations are different in a couple ways. first, my boyfriend has a really good option for school here in this city. he also likes it here and has friends and a life here. yes, he has friends in the other cities where he could end up, but he actually wants to live here in the long run. the fact that he has a good option here AND this is where i am, yet it still seems likely that he will move away, doesn't really make me feel like a priority. now, that said, it might end up being a big deal for him financially to go out of state.

 

the reality for me is this: i would go with him in a heartbeat, in spite of all my reasons for not wanting to leave where i am at, if he could tell me he's crazy about me and doesn't want to be without me. or, if we were both feeling that way, yet it really was the best decision for him to go away for school and for me to stay here, i'd do everything in my power to make long distance work. but since our relationship is rocky and unstable, and i don't see how i could move in the hopes that it will be different when he's crazy busy with law school, you know?

 

i don't know greencove, but it sounds like you were talking to him a lot about all your feelings and reasons, right? and he could have moved to be with you sooner too, right? one of my problems is it isn't like my boyfriend is saying, "i really don't want to be away from you and i want to share my life with you, and these are my reasons why i'd pick a school out of state over the really good school i got into here. but i want you with me and i'm so glad you're willing to make that commitment and move with me...". i know that's easier said than done because he fears my being miserable if i move, and feeling responsible for that. i don't know, i just need him to talk to me about what he's thinking/feeling so i don't just think that it's not much of a concern to him whether we stay together or not. but i don't get the impression you left those things unsaid. am i right? it seems that you were clear and communicative.

 

plus it makes no sense that he'd hold on all that time and then move to be with you and then leave right after that!? which leads me to my next point. if he was so resentful, and feeling so hurt by your actions, why didn't he TELL you what was going on and talk it out with you. i've been very clear with my boyfriend about what things are issues for me and how i feel about all this and what i'd like to hear from him, etc. anyway, our main issue isn't the law school thing per say... we've got other things we need to solve and the imminent just move is putting a big strain on.

 

i don't like what he said to you about wanting you to move in and then not because of your financial situation. that rubs me the wrong way. i get that you wanted to be pullling your weight financially, but you guys were supposed to be partners right? i mean, he knows how much you make in your profession, right? jeez. it's bound to be that one person in the relationship is going to make more money, and it's just mean trying to make the other person feel lesser because they don't make as much. you WERE'NT a roommate. you were his partner. if he wanted you both to pay exactly the same rent, then he should have picked a place with you that you could AFFORD to pay 1/2 of.

 

as for your not staying over there more, again, you TOLD him how you were feeling and why you were uncomfortable, right? he knew that it wasn't because you didn't want to be with him, right? was he talking to you all the time about what a problem it was for him?

 

it just seems to me greencove like a lot of this was caused by a lack of communication on his part about his feelings and the issues that were there for him. it's evident by the fact that you had NO idea he was ready to just completely leave the relationship. had he been telling you, i'm sure you would have tried to make things better, no?

[Zapbasket]

Mattea, I dunno. I want to blame him for the lack of communication; you're right that I had NO idea he was at the point of leaving the relationship. Even when he broke up with me the first time, in mid-November, he didn't initiate a conversation about why he had reached that point and what changes he wanted made. I don't know why I didn't initiate it; I was absolutely terrified at that point, so much so that the week of Thanksgiving (one week after the first and rescinded breakup), when I stayed over at his apartment, I couldn't have sex with him. That has NEVER happened to me but it was my body expressing how absolutely terrified I was. At that point, Mattea, we BOTH were sucking at communication. I was on the defensive, terrified beyond belief even as he kept reassuring me that this breakup wasn't a dry-run for the real thing.

 

During the long distance, I know I felt so guilty that I spent part of every one of our phone conversations trying to explain why I had to work so hard on my thesis, why I felt so confused, etc., because I wanted to be sure he understood that I loved him very much and wasn't staying away from him. In retrospect, though, maybe I was, partly; maybe the lack of communication from him made me feel unsafe. And given that he has broken up with me with no warning, I WAS unsafe, and I 'knew' it before I knew it, if that makes sense. But all that made him feel shut out, and he was right, I guess, that to some extent he WAS being shut out. I just feel such remorse that all that time, I only thought about him, I was constantly anxious about our relationship, I missed him terribly...and yet everything unraveled. I would tell him not to visit me and he would just shuffle off and go "okay," but what I wanted was for him to insist upon visiting me; I told him not to come because I was so depressed and frustrated and lost that I couldn't tell him how badly I NEEDED him to come. That was poor communication on my part. I feel I ruined everything.

 

The WAY he broke up with me, too, was so awful. On December 5, he called me as usual in the evening and told me he wanted us to have brunch that weekend with this person I can't stand, and he can't either. I felt like he was baiting me; I didn't believe he really had scheduled brunch with this guy and I felt he knew I'd say something about how I don't like the guy and can't we do somethign else. I told him I felt like I was being baited and he said nonono. I had thought we were going to look at plane tickets for me to come out west with him for the holidays, as earlier that day he'd said the tickets were too expensive for me to come. I started to get upset that that seemed the crucial thing we needed to talk about and he wasn't talking about it. Tension and anxiety escalated as I asked why, if we weren't spendign Christmas together, couldn't we do something in his apartment, get a small tree and open some presents, etc. He vilified me about something or other and I burst out with, "I'm so sick of you always thinking I'm out to hurt you!" and then he said "It's over" and I said "You're going to wake up in your 50s and look me up and find some picture of me successful and with a loving husband and two children and a dog and you're going to regret this" and he started to cry and said "I know" and then he said "It's over, GreenCove" and hung up on me; I tried to call him back but he'd turned off his phone. I don't know why I'm sharing this, I guess to get all the pieces out because though I have a good mind about most things, this one it''s as though I have only one neuron in operation and I need as much outside opinion as I can get. That, and some sleeeping pills to sleep through this pain until it subsides. I've never hurt this badly.

[Cossette4]

Green, stop blaming yourself for this. You aren't a bad person because you wanted to do something for yourself. Your thesis was important to you, and in a long-term relationship, the other person should know what's important to you and respect that.

 

Question for you: Is HE the one making you feel like you weren't committed, or are you doing that to yourself??? If it's him that's sending that message, that's dumb, because he never communicated his feelings to you and it's wrong to suddenly throw this at you during a breakup.

 

If it's you that's coming to that conclusion on your own, then stop it. You are trying to find *something* in yourself to blame for why he did this and why you are feeling so much pain, but carrying 100% of the blame is illogical and it will keep you down. Trust me, when you reach the anger stage, you'll be shaking with fury that you even thought what you are thinking now.

 

Clearly, if this guy calls you on the phone, baits you with an argument, and then throws your 5 year relationship out the window with an "It's over <click>," and then refuses to answer your calls, HE IS THE ONE WITH THE ISSUE. It's hurting you, but the origin of the problem lies in him. If he were guilt-free and blame-free, he wouldn't act so cowardly. He would be way more upfront and mature about the issue. He isn't. Think about that everytime you start to blame yourself.

[bridget_jones]

I think you really need to focus on moving on from this guy. You DESERVE the loving husband and two kids you dream about. This guy isn't going to give that to you.

Stop torturing yourself with analyzing everything that happened and everything that you said, because if he really loved you, none of that would matter. Even if you did get back together, you'd always be on eggshells about doing and saying the right thing around him, and that's now how love is.

[mattea]

GreenCove, I agree with Cossette4. I know you weren't perfect in the relationship, nobody is! But I still think that he should have talked to you about the problems so you two could work on them. He severed the relationship in an instant without doing that. That's screwed up.

 

I agree that you were doing something important for you and deserved support with that. I support my boyfriend in going away to school if that's what is best for him. I just had hoped that by the time that decision came around, we'd be ready to make the decision together and move together or stay here together. Or weather a long-distance relationship if that was what was required. We just have issues - ones that I am uncertain can be worked through in general, but that I am pretty certain cannot be remedied by the time he is to move away.

 

Please do stop blaming yourself. Whatever your imperfections and mistakes, you didn't deserve to just be dropped like that with no warning and no attempt to work through it.

[Zapbasket]

Clearly, if this guy calls you on the phone, baits you with an argument, and then throws your 5 year relationship out the window with an "It's over <click>," and then refuses to answer your calls, HE IS THE ONE WITH THE ISSUE. It's hurting you, but the origin of the problem lies in him. If he were guilt-free and blame-free, he wouldn't act so cowardly. He would be way more upfront and mature about the issue. He isn't. Think about that everytime you start to blame yourself.

 

Cossette4, this provided some balm to my soul. It's hard when someone you love exits with nothing but blaming words; as he said to me on Jan. 4, the last time we were face to face, "This whole time I thought it was me. And then I realized it wasn't." Meaning, it was all ME.

 

But...what do you mean, exactly? (My anguish is making me rather dense.) That despite his words throwing all blame at my feet, he acted the way he did because HE felt responsible? And...is it true, you think, that ending a long-term relationship suddenly and absolutely the way he did suggests he has issues? Or simply that he didn't want to be with me?

[Zapbasket]

I think you really need to focus on moving on from this guy. You DESERVE the loving husband and two kids you dream about. This guy isn't going to give that to you.

Stop torturing yourself with analyzing everything that happened and everything that you said, because if he really loved you, none of that would matter. Even if you did get back together, you'd always be on eggshells about doing and saying the right thing around him, and that's now how love is.

 

Bridget_jones...here's what hurts so much, though. I discovered through this breakup just how old-fashioned I am in my values. I think you find someone who makes you feel tingly inside, whose company you enjoy, who brings things to your life that you cherish, whose values for the most part are in line with yours, etc., and you commit to being with that person for life. The things I felt when I met this guy back when I was 25 were exactly the feelings I was looking all my life to have: I felt absolutely that he was the ONE and I felt it was right, given my values and the way I love, that I had found my guy at age 25, that we could mature into true adults together, that we would marry and have a family and grow old together--as his parents did, and as my parents would have had my father not died. And so it is singularly confusing that this person, towards whom I had those feelings of, for lack of a better description, permanence, has left. Before we ever could marry or have a child.

 

I mean, this guy really is a wonderful, wonderful person. Extremely intelligent, very devoted, funny, sensitive, well liked by everyone, handsome, a wonderful athlete, beautiful physique, a wonderful lover and with a very calming presence that balanced my more intense nature. The feelings I have for him and about him are the same feelings I'll look to have with the person with whom I will have the two kids and a dog. I felt he felt the same way towards me.

 

The other thing in your message that clenches my heart is that my partner said this past fall that HE felt he was having always to walk on eggshells with ME. I was very angry at him, because he'd moved here and was very remote and we couldn't talk about anything. He went into his "anxiety mode," which is to stonewall, and I went into mine, which is to be on the defensive and verbally anxious.

 

But to return to the two kids and a dog thing, I am old-fashioned in that to me my life narrative was supposed to be that I find that one person and marry him. I never have been a dater and a person has to make me feel very safe and very intellectually stimulated, as well as able to laugh and explore new things, in order for me to give over my heart to him. I felt those things for this guy, and now that he so unceremoniously, suddenly and absolutely cut me off, I feel I can never trust again, and that my life is never now goign to be as I'd hoped. I feel this so acutely because I have no family--only my mother--and no siblings, and so to me, this guy was my family. It is tremendously important to me to have someone who shares my memories, and he was that one. I do have friendships that go back to age 12, but I don't really have friends with whom I feel deeply, deeply connected, part of the same milieu and sharing the same memories, really. So this guy meant A LOT to me, to my life, to my feelings about my life...and now that he's gone I feel an incredible isolation and lack of faith in relationships of any kind.

[Zapbasket]

GreenCove, I agree with Cossette4. I know you weren't perfect in the relationship, nobody is! But I still think that he should have talked to you about the problems so you two could work on them. He severed the relationship in an instant without doing that. That's screwed up.

 

I agree that you were doing something important for you and deserved support with that. I support my boyfriend in going away to school if that's what is best for him. I just had hoped that by the time that decision came around, we'd be ready to make the decision together and move together or stay here together. Or weather a long-distance relationship if that was what was required. We just have issues - ones that I am uncertain can be worked through in general, but that I am pretty certain cannot be remedied by the time he is to move away.

 

Please do stop blaming yourself. Whatever your imperfections and mistakes, you didn't deserve to just be dropped like that with no warning and no attempt to work through it.

 

But maybe that's the thing, Mattea. Maybe some people don't want a relationship that doesn't require so much work and communication. I want to believe that ALL intimate relationships require work and communication, but maybe my guy felt like I wanted us to talk more than he was comfortable with. That makes me feel guilty because really I don't like chatty men, and while I love conversation I couldn't be with someone who was all talk and no play, no going out and just enjoying the moment together. This fall, my guy felt we never did the latter and I was always wanting to talk. I always wanted to talk because I felt things were amiss and I was trying to clear the air.

'

I have an old fear that's really re-surfaced in this breakup, which is that I'm "too much." Indeed, one of the things my partner said to me the first time he broke up with me in mid-November was, "I can't handle you." That cut right to the heart of my greatest fear about myself. I am very intense, very strong personality, and while generally well liked by everyone, often without even meaning to when I enter a room I have a strong presence and powerful ability to influence people, without meaning to. In fact, it makes me terribly uncomfortable. So his dumping me like this brings out all these fears, and I feel so awful thinking he'll be happier with someone more low key, thus proving my worst fears about myself.

[Cossette4]

But...what do you mean, exactly? (My anguish is making me rather dense.) That despite his words throwing all blame at my feet, he acted the way he did because HE felt responsible? And...is it true, you think, that ending a long-term relationship suddenly and absolutely the way he did suggests he has issues? Or simply that he didn't want to be with me?

 

He threw the blame at you because that's the immature coward's way out of a relationship. He threw the blame at you because he doesn't want to deal with his own accountability in the breakup. It could mean that he knows he has some issues to face and he doesn't want to come to terms with them, or it could also mean he has buried his issues so much (you said he didn't confide in anyone) that he has actually convinced himself that it really is all your fault and that he has no issues.

 

As for your second question, just turn the tables---if you wanted to end things and "simply didn't want to be with him" anymore, would YOU have done it like this? Would you have called him up over the phone, sent the email he did, tossed 100% of the blame his way?

[Zapbasket]

He threw the blame at you because that's the immature coward's way out of a relationship. He threw the blame at you because he doesn't want to deal with his own accountability in the breakup. It could mean that he knows he has some issues to face and he doesn't want to come to terms with them, or it could also mean he has buried his issues so much (you said he didn't confide in anyone) that he has actually convinced himself that it really is all your fault and that he has no issues.

 

As for your second question, just turn the tables---if you wanted to end things and "simply didn't want to be with him" anymore, would YOU have done it like this? Would you have called him up over the phone, sent the email he did, tossed 100% of the blame his way?

 

The answer to your question is "no." I'd try to exit with as much sensitivity as possible.

 

My mother thinks he was just immature and inexperienced. He's always had a very stable life--loving, intact family and idyllic milieu of childhood friends--and by his own admission hadn't really ever made an emotional connection with anyone before, until me. My mom thinks the move east, and the pressure of the expectations for our relationship (finally, after all that long distance, we were going to be together in the same city as dreamed), as well as job transitions, etc., ultimately overwhelmed him such that he took the strife we experienced this fall as the way the relationship would be all the time. He got scared and left, she thinks. That's what I've always thought but I've thought so many things, concocted so many explanations in the silence of severed contact, that I can't discern which is truer than the others.

 

What about your situation, Cossette? Have you had any contact with your guy in the past 8.5 months? Why do you think he up and left? From the sound of it, given he clearly chose someone after you with whom he could just have fun without all the heady committment, maybe he got scared? I don't know how old you guys are? I'm 30 and my ex (I still can't bear to refer to him that way) is 6 months younger than me. Have you sought contact with your guy at all during this time?

[mattea]

 

yeah, i hear ya greencove! i've thought this about myself too... that i just can't leave things alone and have a good time and together when that is what is needed. but then, it's pretty hard to just relax and have fun together if there are things in the relationship that are rather large issues and they are needing to be worked out, and because of them you are feeling anxious or distant or whatever. i also think that if he needed a night without talking about tense things or whatever, he could let you know and ask if you could just take the night off from the intense conversations and have a good time together, and come back to the discussions later or whatever. plus, you probably kept trying to talk to him because the conversations hadn't resolved things or helped you understand better where he was at (due to his lack of sharing with you) or felt more understood yourself. hey, don't beat yourself up for putting a lot of effort into trying to work out the problems in your relationship. how would you have felt if he was coming to you often, wanting to try to talk things through, wanting to share with you his feelings and hear yours and make things better? would you have felt burdened or good that he obviously cared so much about communicating with you and about the relationship? you deserve to have someone meet you half way on that hard stuff!

 

 

 

OMG I know that fear! I've felt that way before - like I'm too demanding or whatever. Take a step back and ask yourself if the things you expect from a partner are things that you yourself would be able and willing to give to a relationship. And again, if you really were overwhelming him, he could have talked to you about feeling that way, let you know he cared but needed things for himself (i.e. some time alone, down time with you without tension, whatever).

 

I just keep feeling like it was really screwy that he was suddenly leaving without you really knowing what the problems were and having the opportunity to work on them. Now you're left to guess and wonder *what* it really was, worry that maybe it was something that you did or didn't do, etc. It's so awful. I'm sure you would have been willing to try to work on whatever it was if he'd be forthcoming about it during the relationship.