I'm the dumper, now she's calling the shots.

[Guest]

Many thanks in advance here:

 

Out of that beast called "fear of commitment," I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. The break-up didn't go well. I was pushing for communication and friendship, but for her own sake, she falsely convinced herself that I never wanted to see her again. I had always advocated a friendship, but understand she did it for her own protection.

 

Time reveals things, of course, and I've come to see my enormous mistake. Even more, I'm now ready (on my own time, no less) for those things she had already committed herself to: marriage, kids, everything. Six months have passed since the break, and I've recently laid it all out for her: my feelings, my hopes, my want to focus on marriage. She has started seeing someone new, but said our getting back together is a "whatever happens happens" kind of thing, that "she's moved on," or simply "maybe, but not this week." Fine, right?

 

Well, we've been calling/chatting about three times a week, going out for dinner or hanging out about once a week. We confide a bit to one another, very friendly and intimate (which I don't want to risk by having feelings, but she knows this). She makes it a habit of calling VERY late at night "just to talk," or to tell me how nasty her current relationship is. Yes, he is a prick, probably also a player, but I'm trying to be supportive and an advocate for this guy -- you know, I don't want to come across as the jealous-ex.

 

Here's the question: she obviously knows my feelings, but am I now just the friend, or is she keeping her options open? Is she confused, or am I projecting? Thanks again.

[taylor]

Just my gut feelings...

 

She is taking her time.

 

She is weighing her options.

 

She doesn't trust your intentions. She may be thinking, "He had 2.5 years to commit and didn't do it. WHY? Now all of a sudden, when he no longer "has" me, he decides he's ready to commit. WHY?"

 

My guess is she doesn't believe you love her enough to make a genuine commitment to her. She's moving slowly and cautiously. I would, too.

 

I don't think she has totally closed the door on a future with you, though. But I think you might have to spend some time proving to her that you really are ready for a commitment and that she is the one you really want to commit to. She will watch what you do, not what you say, to determine if you are genuine.

[2ndIINone]

Been there... lost.

IMO - as long as she knows you're ok being on the back burner... and apparently.... you are. She won't leave him. Seen this kinda crap happen too many times. If she knows how you feel... then there is NO sense pressing the issue. It could backfire on you. Seeing as she knows your feelings.... I would back off a bit. There is NO reason whatsoever... you should be having dinner with her if she is having dinner the next night with someone else. Late night phonecalls??? To complain about the guy who just left??? ugh! You shouldn't be even answering those calls ... at least not every one. Pull back some.

[climbergirl]

I don't know. I got something else from it.

 

OP-question: If, feeling like you do now about her, and you were the one in a crappy relationship and you knew that your ex still loved you-would you string her along or would you jump out of your current, crappy relationship and be with her?

 

Is there's more to the story? Was it a horrific break up?

[climbergirl]

Agree 2nd2none.

 

BTW-I was referring to post above yours.

[taylor]

Good point, climbergirl. I think there may be more to this story.

 

I guess I was ASSUMING his ex-girlfriend really was committed to him - wanted marriage, children, etc. He kind of said that in his post.

 

But maybe she really wasn't as committed as he thinks she was. Her actions certainly make you wonder, like you said. IF she really was as committed to him as he said, it's hard to believe she would stay in a loser relationship with someone else. You would think she would drop the loser and try to make things work with the OP, however, slowly and cautiously.

 

I guess we need more info about their relationship and about the break-up....

[Guest]

Good point, climbergirl. I think there may be more to this story.

 

I guess I was ASSUMING his ex-girlfriend really was committed to him - wanted marriage, children, etc. He kind of said that in his post.

 

I guess we need more info about their relationship and about the break-up....

 

OP here.

 

Wow: brilliant response, all, and many thanks. She was 110% committed (she knew better than I), voiced as much all the way to the bitter end. She even went so far as to offer an ultimatum: commit to marriage/kids within two years, or move on. I moved on. Sigh.

 

The break-up was a frustrating one, in that I had convinced myself it could never work between us and that I could never commit to her. Yes, there were problems, but mostly my own fear of commitment pushed up apart. The first two months of the break-up, she was cautiously asking me about my feelings, if there was any chance of us getting back together. I said no at the time, but reminded her I still very much loved her and wanted to be friends/continue communication. This was followed by absolute silence on her part, until my recent "revelation" that I only broke it off with her because of that fear of commitment. Can't say I blame her.

 

I guess in the past few days I've come to accept the "give her space" approach: gain trust, gain confidence. It's impossible to erase that friendship and intimacy therein, but she knows I'll be there for her when she needs it. Like she said, "wait and see."

 

Thanks again.

[daphne]

I think the easiest explanation applies here. He dumped her, hurt her and wouldn't commit. Now she doesn't know if she should believe him. She's with someone else and thinks he wants what he can't have. She doesn't trust his intentions. so she's waiting and watching.

[2ndIINone]

Naaaah, she's just a mess. 2.5 years together. He didn't date afterwards, but she jumped right into another relationship? 6 months since the break up.... how long could she have been with the new guy? 1 month, 2 months tops? Sooooo she grieved about her loss for a whole 4 months? Seems a little fast for me.... so either she's rebounding HARD or she was never really into him in the first place.

[stace79]

I was with my ex for less than a year, and we officially broke up in February. Do I want to get engaged right away? No. But I do want to start dating as quickly as possible....I think women need other men to get over a break up, particularly if they didn't do the breaking up. Just my two cents. I don't think it says anything about how much she did or didn't care for this guy.

 

Naaaah, she's just a mess. 2.5 years together. He didn't date afterwards, but she jumped right into another relationship? 6 months since the break up.... how long could she have been with the new guy? 1 month, 2 months tops? Sooooo she grieved about her loss for a whole 4 months? Seems a little fast for me.... so either she's rebounding HARD or she was never really into him in the first place.

[2ndIINone]

I think women need other men to get over a break up, particularly if they didn't do the breaking up.

Hoopblah!

Yes, this is called rebounding.

Rebounding= using one to get over another too soon after a failed relationship.

Pretty unhealthy especially for the poor sap that may fall hard for you.

A woman OR man shouldn't need or use anyone to get over their ex. This represents someone emotionally unstable.... who can't get over their ex on their own. IMO.

[CaliGuy]

Many thanks in advance here:

 

Out of that beast called "fear of commitment," I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. The break-up didn't go well. I was pushing for communication and friendship, but for her own sake, she falsely convinced herself that I never wanted to see her again. I had always advocated a friendship, but understand she did it for her own protection.

 

Time reveals things, of course, and I've come to see my enormous mistake. Even more, I'm now ready (on my own time, no less) for those things she had already committed herself to: marriage, kids, everything. Six months have passed since the break, and I've recently laid it all out for her: my feelings, my hopes, my want to focus on marriage. She has started seeing someone new, but said our getting back together is a "whatever happens happens" kind of thing, that "she's moved on," or simply "maybe, but not this week." Fine, right?

 

Well, we've been calling/chatting about three times a week, going out for dinner or hanging out about once a week. We confide a bit to one another, very friendly and intimate (which I don't want to risk by having feelings, but she knows this). She makes it a habit of calling VERY late at night "just to talk," or to tell me how nasty her current relationship is. Yes, he is a prick, probably also a player, but I'm trying to be supportive and an advocate for this guy -- you know, I don't want to come across as the jealous-ex.

 

Here's the question: she obviously knows my feelings, but am I now just the friend, or is she keeping her options open? Is she confused, or am I projecting? Thanks again.

 

No matter what you do, NEVER be her therapist. If she starts complaining about this guy to you, change the subject or flat out tell her she needs to handle that on her own.

 

Once you become her "buddy" she will lose any romantic interest in you. Women who seek men friends as therapist will be complainiing to them about the guys they are sleeping with - all of whom are not you.

 

If you want her back, start being distant. Stop taking all her calls, start getting a life of your own that does not include her. You're not giving her a reason to come back to you because she has no chance to miss you or appreciate the times you had together.

[Lezbean]

Many thanks in advance here:

 

Out of that beast called "fear of commitment," I broke up with my girlfriend of 2.5 years. The break-up didn't go well. I was pushing for communication and friendship, but for her own sake, she falsely convinced herself that I never wanted to see her again. I had always advocated a friendship, but understand she did it for her own protection.

 

Time reveals things, of course, and I've come to see my enormous mistake. Even more, I'm now ready (on my own time, no less) for those things she had already committed herself to: marriage, kids, everything. Six months have passed since the break, and I've recently laid it all out for her: my feelings, my hopes, my want to focus on marriage. She has started seeing someone new, but said our getting back together is a "whatever happens happens" kind of thing, that "she's moved on," or simply "maybe, but not this week." Fine, right?

 

Well, we've been calling/chatting about three times a week, going out for dinner or hanging out about once a week. We confide a bit to one another, very friendly and intimate (which I don't want to risk by having feelings, but she knows this). She makes it a habit of calling VERY late at night "just to talk," or to tell me how nasty her current relationship is. Yes, he is a prick, probably also a player, but I'm trying to be supportive and an advocate for this guy -- you know, I don't want to come across as the jealous-ex.

 

Here's the question: she obviously knows my feelings, but am I now just the friend, or is she keeping her options open? Is she confused, or am I projecting? Thanks again.

 

She is trying to make you jealous and punish you. Dump her again and watch HER attitude change. She will be groveling.

[taylor]

Maybe I'm missing the point big time here but...

 

I don't understand why everyone is bashing the ex-girlfriend.

 

The OP is the dumper. The ex-girlfriend is the dumpee.

 

The OP didn't want to commit after a LTR. The ex-girlfriend did (according to the OP - 110%)

 

If the ex-girlfriend had posted here saying she was in a long term relationship with a guy who broke up with her because he still couldn't commit, what advice would you give her?

 

If she said he changed his mind and wants her back, how would you tell her to proceed?

 

I do believe the ex-girlfriend jumped into a rebound relationship following the breakup. I certainly don't condone rebound relationships because I was the "victim" of one recently and got hurt badly. But I do believe the OP's ex-girlfriend did what a lot of dumpees naturally do - jump into a quick relationship to ease the pain of a break up.

 

Is she happy with the rebound guy? Obviously not. She may have just grabbed the first guy who came along, thinking, being with someone - anyone - is better than being with no one. A lot of lonely heartbroken people feel this way.

 

And I don't understand why everyone is annoyed because the dumpee ex-girlfriend is contacting the OP. She obviously still has feelings for him..misses him..still feels emotionally attached to him. Wants to let him know she is unhappy.

 

If she were trying to make the OP jealous, she would be telling him how great her new man was and how wonderful her new relationship was.

 

Even though the ex-girlfriend is not happy with rebound guy, she still isn't anxious to run back to the OP. Why should she?

 

The OP had 2 years to figure out if he wanted a future with her. He wasn't willing to commit until she was "gone."

 

If I were her, I would be very wary of his genuine feelings. I don't know if I could trust his intentions at this point.

 

A part of me would be saying, "I've been with you for 2 years and you still don't know if you want a future with me? If you still have doubts after 2 years, I'm obviously not the one for you. It hurts but I have no choice but to try to move on..."

[2ndIINone]

If she were trying to make the OP jealous, she would be telling him how great her new man was and how wonderful her new relationship was.

 

Oooh no... she wouldn't rub the new guy in his face, cause if she did, then he would walk. She knows that. He left, hurting her.... she rebounds.... he realizes his mistakes and comes back.... now she's making him pay for it. Keeping him on a string.... We're not totally bashing her. Just letting him know that she's turned the tables... sorta/kinda making him pay for his mistakes in the past and hurting her. She's getting attention from two guys now and loving life.

 

Most were simply telling him to back off a bit, cause she's still seeing the new guy, and apparently..'confused'. IMO... if she's confused she should break up with the new guy.... cut ties with the old.... and take time for herself... and NOT lead two guys on.

[taylor]

I see your point, 2nd.

 

I guess we're just going to have to sit back and see how this one plays out.

 

I don't see the ex-girlfriend staying with the rebound guy. She already realizes it's a mistake.

 

But I don't really see her going back to the OP, unless he can "pull a rabbit out of a hat."

 

In the end, she may do what you think she should...take some time to herself and figure out what she really wants.

 

I think the OP should do the same. Yes?

[Guest]

I see your point, 2nd.

 

I guess we're just going to have to sit back and see how this one plays out.

 

I don't see the ex-girlfriend staying with the rebound guy. She already realizes it's a mistake.

 

OP here: a bit has happened, and I'm left wondering if i should just go N/C at this point.

 

this past month I've made a serious (and successful) effort of moving on, dating other women, yet all the while being supportive and strong friends with the ex. we still call frequently and go out for dinner weekly, and I'm just starting to date a new woman.

 

my ex got dumped hard a week ago by the guy she was seeing. initially she sought heavy emotional support from me, but she quickly started distancing herself (which is perfectly understandable, given I'm an ex).

 

well, the other night she sent me text messages asking how it's going with the girl I'm dating, that she was feeling indisposed because of her break-up, etc. I asked if she wanted company, and she declined because she was "jealous and confused." I asked what she meant by this, she avoided the question.

 

she calls again yesterday: wants to know how my new date is going, etc. I made a point to ask her why she felt "jealous and confused" and how she imagined our friendship at this point, and yet again she avoided the question.

 

long story short: the ex is scrambling my head. of course I still have feelings for her, but I don't want to compromise our friendship by letting this continue. should I go N/C at this point, or am I approaching her "confusion" wrongly?

 

many thanks here.

[Guest]

should I go N/C at this point, or am I approaching her "confusion" wrongly?

 

OP here: nope, wasn't approaching/reading her confusion wrongly at all.

 

she's finally(!) openly expressed that she really wants to try again with me, really wants to be with me/start a family, but needs time to (1) heal from just being dumped, (2) sort out whether or not she can trust both her heart and mine. she's been posing a few "if we got back together..." questions, which I hope I'm handling well. for example, "if we were to try again, would you stop seeing the new girl you are dating?" my answer: "absolutely. I don't doubt the worth."

 

here's where I could really use some insight. while she is sorting out her feelings, she still wants me to pursue my own life/dating. I agree with her here, but have also told her that I'll always be available to her, when she's ready. am I handling this right?

 

many thanks, yet again.

[taylor]

Hi OP,

 

Just my 2 cents...how I see it..Others, I'm sure, will disagree, but here goes....

 

Your ex-girlfriend still loves you but she is not running back to you because she knows you don't love her enough to commit to her 100 percent.

 

When you broke up, she RAN into the arms of another man and had a short-lived rebound relationship. Why? Perhaps she did it in an effort to ease the pain of losing you. Perhaps she did it to make you jealous so that you would fight harder to keep her. It doesn't really matter. In either case, she was responding to losing you.

 

I would say at this point your ex-girlfriend is in a lot of pain, having been jilted by two men in a short period of time. She is also very emotionally confused. Her self-esteem is probably at an all-time low. She probably feels like a failure, like she can't get anything right, like she isn't worthy of anyone's love.

 

You don't need to ask why she is jealous or confused. You already know. She is jealous because she still loves you but you appear to have moved on "successfully" with someone new, while she has failed and is all alone again. She is confused for two reasons: 1) She still loves you in her heart but her head tells her she'd be better off letting you go. 2) By dating another girl, yet staying in contact with her, you are sending her mixed signals - she doesn't know quite where you stand. That's why she keeps asking you about your new love interest.

 

At this point, I don't think your ex-girlfriend is ready for any kind of relationship with anyone. She needs time to heal and pull herself together. She needs to do a lot of soul-searching about what she really wants and what direction she wants her life to take. I don't think she is capable of making any clear, confident decisions right now.

 

If I were you, I would continue to give her time and space to sort things out.

 

I think it is also in your best interest to put a little space between the two of you. If you don't, you will both just end up in a tangled mess of emotional confusion.

 

Now is not the time to try to rekindle a relationship with her!!!!!

 

In the meantime, take some time yourself, to search your own heart and determine if she is who you really ,really want.

 

If you are dating someone new and things are going well, maybe that tells you something....

 

If you are meant to be with your ex-girlfriend, it will happen...but only after the dust settles and the air clears. Three or six months from now you will both have a better perspective.

[2ndIINone]

I think you should be putting some space between everybody... even the new girl. You already admitted to still have feelings for your ex.... so, is that fair to the new girl? You could be possibly rebounding as well... kinda/sorta.

 

Bottomline.... you yourself shouldn't be involved so fast either if you're not over your ex.... if you ARE over her, then you're ok to date...

 

a friendship with the ex??? Nahhhh, it'll never happen.

[Guest]

If you are meant to be with your ex-girlfriend, it will happen...but only after the dust settles and the air clears. Three or six months from now you will both have a better perspective.

 

OP here.

 

thanks Taylor and SecondIINone: agreed with all things said. I've since broken off any communication with the new girl I have been seeing (out of fairness to everyone, including myself), and matters are just as complicated as ever with my ex. she questions my loyalty, poses "if we got back together" questions...she is notably confused and seeking heavy advice/therapy at this point, I'm doing the same: space and time is our best option, although I don't doubt it will be difficult to avoid hanging out/chatting as often as we have been (i.e., daily).

 

a lot will come these next few months -- mostly exciting, but my heart can only see one day at a time. I'm sure I speak for many, but this sucks.

 

thanks again.

[taylor]

I agree with 2nd.

 

If you are rebounding with the new girlfriend, you may very well be setting the new girl up for a huge heartbreak. You can't give her your heart if it still belongs to your ex.

 

I'm not going to tell you to stop dating the new girl if you are making an attempt to move on from your ex. But please be honest with the new girl. She deserves to know your dating history. She deserves to know where she stands in this triangle. Don't tell her you are over your ex because you aren't. And please don't lead the new girl on or make promises to her you know you can't keep.

 

Does your new girlfriend know you are still maintaining some contact with your ex? Just knowing that should be enough to make her want to proceed with caution.