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Posted

I need anyone's help and opinion here...

 

Please keep in mind that some of this thread pertains to sex and I am going to try and keep it as clean as I possibly can but I have a hard time finding the right words for certain things...

 

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4.5 months now, I am 32 and he is 35...we met online and talked for 1.5 months before we actually met. While still chatting online he had every opportunity to be honest about himself, he told me that he was very serious about looking for someone and that he did not go to strip clubs or look at porn. He volunteered this information, to which that should have been big red flag #1.

 

We seemed perfect in the beginning...after 1 month of dating, I went to his house because we had plans to go to dinner, the front door was open and I saw him sitting at his computer so I knocked and opened the screen door, when I got closer I saw that he was watching a porn video of a woman s*cking a man off, and my boyfriend was stroking his penis while watching this. He jumped up out of his chair and didn't know what to say. I told him it was ok, to go take a shower, that I understood he had been single for a while and I figured it would pass in time as we grew closer and more sexual with eachother, at the time I did not think it was an obsession, I found out a few weeks later from snooping on his computer that it was something he did at least 2-3 days a week for at least an hour or more. We had already had sex a few times by this point but nothing really intimate which I thought was strange, I am used to being 'made love to' by my ex's, he would just do it and be done, no affection or kissing during sex at all, and we did not do it that often, I am used to guys always wanting to have sex with me, all the time, and being passionate during the whole thing, with them even wanting to cuddle afterwards. He also hard a hard time having an orgasm, after talking about this issue with him, he said that he probably had a hard time having an orgasm with me because he watched the porn too often and was used to his hand, he also said he would quit watching the porn and now that he had me in his life that he would focus on us and having sex with me instead of his hand, he said that if he quit watching the porn that he was sure he would be able to have orgasms with me.

 

The only thing that he did do was quit having sex with me and he continued to look at the porn, he even paid money for programs to hide the history for his addiction, but I am way to smart for that, computers are my hobby, I was writing programs on an atari 400 at 10 years old.

 

 

Next I find out that there is a strip club next door to his work, and I also find out that had always gone there on a regualr basis, when I confronted him about this lie, he said he only went there to play pool and "hang" with the guys. I found out later from him that during his 20's he frequented strip clubs all over town on a regular basis. I know what strippers do, I have had friends that were strippers or former strippers and they told me that money buys anything. He told me that he would not go over there unless I was with him. I told him I did not want to go, but I ended up going to try and make him happy. The first time I went there, a stripper walked up to him at the bar and she said "hello" to him by name and he said "hello" back and called her by name as well...my heart sank, I wanted to go hide, vomit and cry my eyes out...my legs started shaking and I really wanted to leave. He knew from the day that he started talking to me online that I did not like these kinds of establishments. He told me he wanted to hang with his friends and that I should just start going with him when he went, just to the bar side, not the side where the strippers are. I feel/felt funny going in there and I told him this on many occasion but he insisted that I was just insecure and I had issues to deal with, and that I was just worried that he would cheat on me. Before I know it, he's calling me up and telling me that he's going to go hang with the guys after work at the strip club and that his freinds are there and he wants to spend some time with them and "relax". Of course we started to argue about it every time it came up and I tried to break off the relationship many times. One time I broke up with him he came back to me and said that if his friends really wanted to see him, they knew how to find him, but that he agreed that it hurt me and he would not go there anymore. Last week he called me when he got off of work and he said he was going to get some dinner, go to the store and then go home. He seemed out of character and I got suspicious, I told him to just call me when he got home that night. As soon as I got off the phone with him I drove to the strip club and saw that he had hidden his car in the far corner of the strip club parking lot, away from the main road. I sat outside by his car waiting for him to come outside because I knew that he knew I was there, and he admitted later that he saw me on the security camera...but he never came out to talk to me, he stayed inside and he knew I was in my car crying because he had lied to me. He tried calling me that night and I did not answer, in fact I figured he had had his opportunity to talk to me when he knew I was outside the strip club and he made the decision to not come out. He came to my house and tried to talk to me but I would not answer the door. He left notes saying he was sorry that he lied but that he did nothing wrong by going in there. He brought everything I had ever given to him, including Christmas gifts and left them at my doorstep. He NEVER brought me flowers or anything of the like to make me feel special to truly say "I am sorry and I am in love with you, that you mean so much to me", I got nothing. My best friend had a 12 year marriage that fell apart because of a porn addiction, I don't want to follow in her footsteps when I have the foresight to know what will happen if I make a future with him.

 

He keeps saying that he loves me...but I am VERY confused, HOW CAN HE LOVE ME??? HOW? And WHY does he come knocking on my door and call incessantly to get me to talk to him and give him more chances? Wouldn't he think before he does these things that he might risk losing me if I really meant that much to him?

 

I don't understand because I don't even come close to treating him how he treats me, I am so good to him, he worries about his bald spot on his head and I tell him it doesn't matter, that I love him no matter how he looks. I clean his dishes, he never comes to my house and helps me out. I cannot stay in this relationship if I am not getting back what I am giving, correct? He doesn't even talk about a future with me, there is no talk of where we will be in 5, 10, or 50 years.

 

In the beginning I felt something for him and wanted to be with him, but I feel that I have been abused by him, everything short of being hit by him, these are not the only things that are wrong with our relationship, he looks at other women wherever we go, he told me twice that I should cut my hair, that I would look better, he told me that I have a large butt. He never does anything romantic and when I go to see him at work 7 times out of 10 him and his coworker are talking about strippers or how 'hot' other women are.

 

Right now where we stand is that I want to break it off, I cry all the time and this is not good for my health, in fact I am looking at property in another city, but he is insistent that I not move and give him another chance. He says he will make things better but when we sit to have a serious conversation and I tell him that I cannot handle the porn or the strip clubs he says to me "that's who I am" and that I am just an insecure person and I have many issues to work on. Can you see why I might be a slight bit confused here?!?!? He keeps telling me that I am insecure over and over again, he lied to me from day one about his addictions and I should have RAN away from this as soon as I found out about the first lie. He also tells me that his lies in the beginning are "irrelevant because I stayed after finding out about his lies"...I've been treated like crap by men before, but that was a new line for me.

 

 

Please help, any advice would be very much appreciated as I am in SO much of a bind right now...I need to tell him to get lost so I can work on my recovery process or I need to figure out a plan of action to make him understand that he is the one with issues here, nothing I say has any effect on him unless I tell him it's over, those seem to be the only words he understands.

 

Should he change?

Should I even give him a chance to change if he says he will?

 

...Or do I run as fast as a can and forget about this loser?

Posted
...Or do I run as fast as a can and forget about this loser?

 

As a guy and as a guy who understands the draw of pornography and strip clubs, you gave the correct answer at the end.

 

He is more interested in his porn and strip clubs than in a true relationship. Addicts lie....he will not change. And IF he decides to change, it won't be while you are with him. He will change when he hits what he perceives as "the bottom."

 

To spare yourself more hurt, please leave him.

Posted
As a guy and as a guy who understands the draw of pornography and strip clubs, you gave the correct answer at the end.

 

He is more interested in his porn and strip clubs than in a true relationship. Addicts lie....he will not change. And IF he decides to change, it won't be while you are with him. He will change when he hits what he perceives as "the bottom."

 

To spare yourself more hurt, please leave him.

 

Totally agree. He does have a sex addiction and I understand they are very hard to cure. I would tell him to get help and move on as you can't be responsible for him and his actions.

Posted

Lying, Porn & Strip Club = Narcissistic Scumbag (At least in this case)

 

As has been said, move on...

 

Mr. Lucky

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