JamesM Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 For the women who feel they have a lower sex drive than their partner or for those who in the past have had a lower sex drive than their partners, what was the result? What solutions worked for you that he tried? And what really turned you off? Please respond here or in a PM to me. I am looking for answers to my own situation and could use some help from those who have dealt with it. And if there are guys who are reading this who have wives with low libidos...who have solved/mostly solved the problem, feel free to also post or PM me. I am taking a new approach and can use some help.
a4a Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 James I feel for you........ I have to ask this because you are beating every bush looking for answers......your needs are not being met at all......... What the hell has your wife done to solve this problem? How many books has she read? How many times has she talked about it? How many friends has she confided in? She needs to take some responsibility for this.
Ripples Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I don't think I've got a low libido, my recent ex and I had a pretty healthy sex life; I think probably nine out of ten times we saw each other we'd have sex at least once and often twice. However, in all the relationships I've had there have been extended periods of time when I haven't wanted sex at all. These times probably lasted up to a fortnight. The biggest turn offs are begging for sex. It just de-motivated me even more. The biggest turn ons were being treated well with it being obvious that sex wasn't expected as payment. James, I think you probably know all of this, and you're probably fulfilling the emotional needs you know your wife has. The thing that really kick-started me into wanting to have sex more than I had previously was understanding that my boyfriend needed it like I need air to breathe.
Mustang Sally Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Hi JamesM, I have had a low libido for years in the past. It was the result of a multitude of things. I had been on oral contraceptives in the past (REAL mood killers, in my opinion). This was alleviated when my H got a vasectomy after our 4th child. I wish I could tell you that this was the only factor in my low sex drive of the past, but alas, it was actually the smallest factor. I had a sexually repressive upbringing. In the name of religion. This (and some personal self-esteem issues) led me to believe that it wasn't ok for me to feel my true sexuality and express it. I felt guilt about having sexual thoughts and feelings all of my young life, and - SURPRISE! - that didn't just magically go away at the end of my wedding ceremony. These things led me to be afraid of becoming my true self (sexually speaking) with my H. It also kept me from realizing when we got married that we had some marriage-intimate incompatibilities. How can you know what you want when you've never been allowed/allowed yourself to experience things??? I'm not advocating careless promiscuity, but this kind of repression (not that uncommon in our society, even still today) does soooooooo much harm to women (men too?) like me. Anyway, this went on for many years, until one day I woke up and said "I have HAD ENOUGH of this bull sh*t. I deserve better than this, and I don't think there is a God who truly wants otherwise for me." I then went on a mission to educate myself about myself and women's (and men's) sexuality in general. I read everything I could find, talked with friends, found internet sites (such as this) to gather information and opinions. I am a new women, albeit somewhat jaded about our culture and society, for reasons listed above. My H was supportive (although understandably frustated/exasperated) with this whole process. I want to make it clear to you, that in my particular situation, there was NOTHING he could have done - short of being supportive and patient - to have gotten me to the place I am now. I am convinced of that. May not be true for every couple, I don't know. Now the problem is that I am aware of the incompatibilities that H and I have. Like Storyrider and Prudence have stated in other threads, I lack an attraction to my H. I don't know if it's midlife crisis or just plain old liberation from generations of ridiculous marriage/sex ideals that I grew up with. I am still working on that. Well, this is just one woman's humble experience. Feel free to PM me if there's anything else I can tell you that may help your situation. Mustang Sal
Jersey Shortie Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Usually when I am not in the mood it is because I don't feel very attractive in the moment or my partner doesn't make me feel attractive or feel like being sexually open to him.
Desperate HH Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 I don't think I've got a low libido... ...extended periods of time when I haven't wanted sex at all. These times probably lasted up to a fortnight. Nope. Doesn't sound like "low libido" at all! Once or twice a month sounds pretty normal, in my experience. I used to complain about it, but I had no idea what it is like to go without... Begging is a turnoff? Well, I tried: romancing, gifts, cooking, flowers, cuddling, laughing, carribean beaches, private weekend getaways, giving her "space"... When those don't work: cajoling, begging, demanding, crying... So I guess it must be the begging that's the turn-off. DHH
Ripples Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 DHH, are you saying that nothing worked at all? Or just when you begged you didn't see any action?
Mustang Sally Posted March 13, 2007 Posted March 13, 2007 Because of another thread (oh for cripes sake...), which I happen to agree with, I just wanted to state here that during my "Wake up and get over myself" phase and my "low libido" phase H and I still had what I think would be considered regular sex - at least once per week. Granted, not as much as he would have liked....but not sexless, either. I also bestowed pretty regular oral favors. My point is that not every low-libido spouse withholds sex or uses it as a weapon, which I feel is a common misconception on LS. My H was still extremely dissatisfied because he knew I didn't have that "desire" for him that he wanted me to. It was not just about frequency. I tried to fake it till I made it, but he knew the difference. Anyway, I now am the initiator probably about 75% of the time...so there is hope...If I can turn it around, anyone (who wants to) can. Again, I guess I can only state what has been true for me, and if it helps someone else here in some small way, then I am glad to have shared.
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