hugznkisses21 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Hi There, I have been with my bf for about 8 mths now – things have been up and down we have had our moment but we are learning together to understand each other better cause be both want this to work. There is a lot of love there. I coming from my own problems of the past have become quite a low confident and insecure person – I don’t have jealous rages or anything but if I feel worried or scared or unsure I usually just feel bad about myself and back away before I get hurt. Although I am like this we do have good communication and talk about everything so that seems to help somewhat but at the same time – im having a hard time changing. Some days I sit a feel if I was different he would love me more, or what if he leaves me for a confident girl, or things like that. My biggest struggle is trying not to associate him being quiet or unaffectionate or not talkative with no interest in me – its like that’s my first though and boom! – im down hill and the thinking process begins – usually ending in a fight – which in turn makes me feel worse cause now im thinking he doesn’t want to deal with this anymore. He tells me he loves me, that leaving isn’t an option, and stuff – but I think im just confusing “guy” behavior with behavior of someone that isn’t into me anymore – for example : lack of affection sometimes, not always talkative, doesn’t want to call as much or talk as much – yet he does make efforts to see me – I would just like someones advice on this – im really down and depressed and no one needs to tell me im ruining things I feel that way already… Thanks in advance
norajane Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 My biggest struggle is trying not to associate him being quiet or unaffectionate or not talkative with no interest in me – its like that’s my first thought He tells me he loves me, that leaving isn’t an option, and stuff – but I think im just confusing “guy” behavior with behavior of someone that isn’t into me anymore First, I think it would help if you stopped thinking in absolutes, stop with the black and white thinking, either/or - thinking that your bf suddenly has "no interest" is what is making you crazy, when it's not at all likely that he has NO interest - he loves you. It's rare that a person will just stop having feelings for someone all at once. So, when there might be an episode of him not calling for a few days, don't immediately start thinking it's the end of the relationship. It's not. You know it's not, so keep reminding yourself that you are overreacting. Second, take a good long look at who your boyfriend is, and the kind of person he is. Has he always been a quiet person, has he always been someone who has periods of being busy and distant, has he always been someone who is sometimes affectionate and sometimes not? If so, then you can see this is part of his personality, and isn't directly related to whether he loves you or not. Certainly, everyone goes through periods where they are focused on other things - work stress, school stress, financial stress, anything, and that affects their behavior with their loved ones. Those are the times you can support him and be affectionate and loving and just ride it out - he'll appreciate that a lot more than you adding to his stress by arguing. Third, take a long look at how you feel about this relationship. Are you getting enough affection, enough time with him, enough positive feelings from him? If you are not and are always feeling unhappy, then maybe you are more desperate to be IN a relationship than to be in THIS relationship. Maybe he truly is a guy who cannot give you what you need from a relationship. Or maybe you are expecting too much from him? Love - and one person - cannot be everything to you, so consider whether you are wishing for him to make you whole, for him to give you the confidence you lack, for him to make you feel worthwhile. You have to find that within yourself, and take responsibility for yourself as well. If you feel you are expecting too much, then take a look at the rest of your life. Do you have friends, hobbies, interests, activities that you are involved with? If not, then get out there and get more out of your life - you cannot rely on one person to give you a life and to be there for you all the time. Finally, be honest with him. Just sit him down and tell him that you recognize you sometimes end up in arguments because of your expectations, that you know you sometimes have too high expectations, and that you are trying to be a bit more reasonable about things. Let him know that you recognize you may be jeopardizing things with him and ask him to be patient while you work on your confidence.
ash519 Posted March 5, 2007 Posted March 5, 2007 Nora, that is some great advice!!!! Hugz, I feel so many similarities!!!! I have been with my bf for 2 years, so in love, he treats me great!!!! Although I KNOW i have improved I have these downtimes of major insecurities! He'll be quiet for a day and I start to think "Why is he quiet, is it me, is he thinking about leaving me, did he do something bad???????" Maybe not QUITE that extreme but it happens. I tend to think of things, as Nora said, in absolute terms and I have realized as of lately that I have to stop that! As for the fighting, i dont want to jinx it, but speaking of the past, i also kind of lost it after fights. Like during it you are so mad, but when you are both finally like "we arent breaking up, this is stupd and we shouldnt be fighting!" I'm like "Well, how are we going to get over the fact that we got in this fight and the things that were said." Basically Hugz- We need to chill. I am doing better, consciously! My bf is in a band so it can be very tough. But if I see something i would normally freak out at (get jealous) I now just tell myself how tiny of a situation it is and how it doesnt jeapordize our relationship. Due to our insecurities actions and words have a deeper impact on us. We over analyze and think of deeper meanings etc. That is another thing we need to stop. And something I tell myself all the time is, he loves me so much, we are happy, and IF he decided to ever do something stupid (as much as it would hurt) there is nothing I can do to stop it and in that case he wouldnt deserve me. What else can you do??? Like Nora said, hobbies! I am finally going back to the gym which is great, I might start a Wednesday evening yoga class with a friend, and we'll see what else! I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it can be. Start by trying to relax. Try not to second guess, snoop, or over analyze. I tell myself to shut up all the time!
Lauriebell82 Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 i struggle with insecurity too. i've been wtih my bf for 6 months, and its a really great relationship. of course we have our fights, but we have a strong relationship and a great connection. all this aside, i know how u feel when u say if he is quiet or sounds weird one day, that u worry he's not into u anymore. i do the same exact thing. i think what u need to do is look at what ur bf does do for u. focus on when he makes an effort to see u, says sweet things to u, does nice things for u (take u out to dinner, ect.). this might help reassure urself that he does love u. i really do understand how u feel. my bf says i act too dramatic sometimes and overreact to situations. this usually starts some kind of fight, and i worry that he doesnt love me anymore because i'm being dramatic and that he'd rather have a gf who didnt do this. of course these worries have no basis, but its hard to overcome them. focus on the good not the bad, and trust that ur bf loves u. like everyone else said, the feelings arent going to just dissapear overnight.
stillafool Posted March 6, 2007 Posted March 6, 2007 I understand how you feel. When I was single and dating someone else I loved I felt the same way. It's like the moments of silence mean they are bored with you. Well, sometimes guys like quiet women and your bf may be attracted to you because you are quiet. You know how men are always talking about how we women talk too much.....who knows. Don' t feel bad about yourself as he does sound like he loves you and is making every effort to show you that.
Guest Posted March 7, 2007 Posted March 7, 2007 its me guys - hugz... Thanks so much for all of your relpies - it is sooo hard - and i start crap all the time because of my feelings of worry and you are right i end up feeling like im ruinging things (which i know i am) and that he can do soe much better else where and not have a girl with these issues. Lately he has been busy, quiet and distant - so right now im feeling alone - i have friends and i keep busy but i feel like he is tired of my nonsence and i have done too much damage
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