I may have dug myself too deep

[GetAHelmet]

Ok, I don't even know where to begin. This sounds crazy, but I have nobody else to talk to about this. I also realize that I'm going to get flamed for what I'm about to say. Get the bile out of your chest if you have to, but please offer me some advice if you can.

 

I've been married for 14 years and I have an 11 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. Pretty much after the birth of my son, sex and intimacy in our lives has all but dried up completely. Not that it makes it right, but I had an affair 4 years ago with a co-worker that lasted approximately 2 years. We were very passionately involved. We made love every day, sometimes 2 times a day. She was a stunning former model, tall and long blonde hair and all that. I was mesmerized by her.

 

But after a while, I wanted to get out of the affair and try to work on my marriage instead. Fortunately, my affair partner didn't give me any trouble although she was upset. We remained in contact via IM since that time. The work on my marriage was frustrating and non-productive no matter what I did. I started to miss the passion and the lovemaking again.

 

Last year I got involved with another co-worker at a new place I'm working. She is extremely passionate and a bit of a hot-head. She's wants sex all the time and says she has fallen in love with me. I tell her I love her also, but I'm not sure I really do. I just enjoy being with her. She's beautiful fun, sexy. And being 1/2 Korean, 1/2 Chinese, she has an incredible exotic way about her.

 

I should mention for the sake of completeness that in the past 4 years, I had a 2 one-night stands with a neighbor 2 doors away while I was "working from home" and her husband was at work.

 

About 3 months ago, I met up with my first affair partner just for lunch since she had to be near where I work for a meeting. After meeting up, the spark was rekindled and we re-started our affair. Neither my current affair partner (nor my wife) know about her. My current affair partner knows I used to see someone else before her, but she would go completely crazy if she knew I was seeing her again. My wife would shoot me in the head while I sleep if she knew about any of this.

 

The reality is this .. I want OUT. I want to quit both my affair partners. I'm exhausted from the lies, the timing issues, and the effort of keeping three people satisfied emotionally. I'm tired of being afraid of discovery all the time, covering my tracks and then covering them again. I long for the days when I could just leave work, go home and not worry about anything else. I can't relax anymore.

 

Sometimes, I'll be in the car, with my wife and kids, and my compartments get temporarily breached. I get gripped with panic at the thought of what I am. I'm a cheater, a vile, lying cheater who's keeping a facade, a fragile veneer of happy normalcy in front of everyone else.

 

I seem to all of our common friends and relatives to be a decent, regular working Joe. I know they would all be horrified if they even knew the half of it. My wife even thinks I need to have more "flair" because she thinks I'm a little to routine. My wife and I were getting pictures of the family made at a photo studio like we do every year. I was reeling from the irony. To think that the night before I was professing my love to my Korean mistress as we were having wild, insanely passionate sex.

I know this is going to all end one way or the other, but it's unlikely to end well.

 

I need a way to extricate myself of this. I don't know how. I don't know how to not want what I was getting from my mistresses in the future. I have a feeling of impending doom all the time now. Anyone else here gone through this? What happened? What did you do?

[quankanne]

The reality is this .. I want OUT. I want to quit both my affair partners. I'm exhausted from the lies, the timing issues, and the effort of keeping three people satisfied emotionally. I'm tired of being afraid of discovery all the time, covering my tracks and then covering them again. I long for the days when I could just leave work, go home and not worry about anything else. I can't relax anymore.

 

you sound sincere about wanting to turn over a new leaf – as much as I do not like the idea of divorce because I've seen how they tear whole families apart, maybe this ought to be your first consideration. That way you at least removed the occasions of adultery from your life and you can concentrate on dating.

 

however, I really don't think that's going to solve your deeper problem, the one that causes you to delve into relationships while you're already in a committed one. Counselling might help you identify the source of said problem, and you'd be able to come up with a gameplan to get your life back on track and be the kind of person you miss being.

 

I feel for you, GAH – your relationships sound as addictive as sweets to a diabetic who understands what havoc sugar can wreak on his body, but cannot control the impulse to continue eating them ...

[Scrivdog]

The problem is the usual. He wasn't getting much from his relationship with the wife. GetAHelmet, here is where we find out the biggest damper from the experience of adultery is none other than ourselves.

[outofdarkness]

Ok, I don't even know where to begin. This sounds crazy, but I have nobody else to talk to about this. I also realize that I'm going to get flamed for what I'm about to say. Get the bile out of your chest if you have to, but please offer me some advice if you can.

 

I've been married for 14 years and I have an 11 year old daughter and a 6 year old son. Pretty much after the birth of my son, sex and intimacy in our lives has all but dried up completely. Not that it makes it right, but I had an affair 4 years ago with a co-worker that lasted approximately 2 years. We were very passionately involved. We made love every day, sometimes 2 times a day. She was a stunning former model, tall and long blonde hair and all that. I was mesmerized by her.

 

But after a while, I wanted to get out of the affair and try to work on my marriage instead. Fortunately, my affair partner didn't give me any trouble although she was upset. We remained in contact via IM since that time. The work on my marriage was frustrating and non-productive no matter what I did. I started to miss the passion and the lovemaking again.

 

Last year I got involved with another co-worker at a new place I'm working. She is extremely passionate and a bit of a hot-head. She's wants sex all the time and says she has fallen in love with me. I tell her I love her also, but I'm not sure I really do. I just enjoy being with her. She's beautiful fun, sexy. And being 1/2 Korean, 1/2 Chinese, she has an incredible exotic way about her.

 

I should mention for the sake of completeness that in the past 4 years, I had a 2 one-night stands with a neighbor 2 doors away while I was "working from home" and her husband was at work.

 

About 3 months ago, I met up with my first affair partner just for lunch since she had to be near where I work for a meeting. After meeting up, the spark was rekindled and we re-started our affair. Neither my current affair partner (nor my wife) know about her. My current affair partner knows I used to see someone else before her, but she would go completely crazy if she knew I was seeing her again. My wife would shoot me in the head while I sleep if she knew about any of this.

 

The reality is this .. I want OUT. I want to quit both my affair partners. I'm exhausted from the lies, the timing issues, and the effort of keeping three people satisfied emotionally. I'm tired of being afraid of discovery all the time, covering my tracks and then covering them again. I long for the days when I could just leave work, go home and not worry about anything else. I can't relax anymore.

 

Sometimes, I'll be in the car, with my wife and kids, and my compartments get temporarily breached. I get gripped with panic at the thought of what I am. I'm a cheater, a vile, lying cheater who's keeping a facade, a fragile veneer of happy normalcy in front of everyone else.

 

I seem to all of our common friends and relatives to be a decent, regular working Joe. I know they would all be horrified if they even knew the half of it. My wife even thinks I need to have more "flair" because she thinks I'm a little to routine. My wife and I were getting pictures of the family made at a photo studio like we do every year. I was reeling from the irony. To think that the night before I was professing my love to my Korean mistress as we were having wild, insanely passionate sex.

I know this is going to all end one way or the other, but it's unlikely to end well.

 

I need a way to extricate myself of this. I don't know how. I don't know how to not want what I was getting from my mistresses in the future. I have a feeling of impending doom all the time now. Anyone else here gone through this? What happened? What did you do?

My H sounds alot like you. Nobody would have suspected in a million years that he was living a complete double life w/ multiples A's and one night stands inbetween. He is hard working, well respected, extremely devoted to his job and on the surface...to his family. He comes from a weathly and well respected family in our city, and is active in our church. I have said before, that I did not know consciously of his infidelity, but I am sure that on SOME level, I did...You might be surprised to find out that perhaps your W does indeed know something is up and has pushed it away.

 

When D day arrived...the day I found out about 10 years of cheating, he professed his love for myself and our kids, and began the long and tedious process of rebuilding his life and building a new one for us. He is an addict, has undergone extensive treatment for it, and still struggles for it. He says it's lust, not love that causes it...I have told my story many times on LS, from many different angles. Some say the addiction is a total sham and just a way to "excuse" away his cheating. Being a recovering alcoholic; seven years sober, I can relate to the addiction that he has. I have sat in meetings over and over again who have multiple addictions, one of the most common one being sex..They say that the high that one gets from this addiction is akin to heroin...I wouldn't know, but have read and heard this from reputable and well respected sources...

 

If you truly want out and to turn over a new leaf, there are some things that you will need to do. I am not in a position to advise you about this, but there are plenty of professionals who CAN advise you. I do think it's possible of a M to work if BOTH parties are willing to give it a go. Your W needs to know the truth asap so that she can make an informed decision as to whether or not SHE wants to continue in the M. You must face up to the fact that once she knows the truth, she may want out. Regardless of whether or not the M works, you sound really sad and broken..You need to get some help and get out of this way of life for yourself...It's no way to live as far as I'm concerned. Sooner or later the lies and deception will catch up to you; sounds like they may have already caught up with you...

 

I wish you the very best and will be thinking of you...

[whichwayisup]

You need to get yourself into therapy and face whatever it is that is going on inside you. You keep cheating on your wife and your family...Something in you is broken and needs to be fixed.

 

What you could do is come clean with your wife. I know you probably do not want to tell her what you've been doing. Let her decide if she wants to stay married to you and go to marriage counselling.

 

Even if she wasn't meeting all your needs, that's not an excuse to cheat on her. Yes, life changes when kids come into the picture - Sex usually happens less as the kids demand more, the daily stresses of life can get in the way.

 

Start with finding a therapist who can help you, then go from there.

[GetAHelmet]

Thanks for your quick responses already. I don't think I can tell my wife. I need to get rid of my affair partners but I can't tell my wife at all.

 

It's not so much because I'm afraid of what she'd say. I just don't want to crush her like that. I can't imagine how bad she'll feel. She seems so carefree and satisfied right now.

 

The kids are happy and carefree also. I can't bring myself to tear them all apart like this.

[whichwayisup]

I wish you had thought of all that before you cheated......Sorry I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds, but the thing is, there are consquences of your actions.

Did you get yourself checked out to make sure you don't have STD's?

 

The other thing is, if you don't tell your wife, someone else could. You never know if the OW will or if someone saw you. That and I'm sure she knows something isn't right with you - So I doubt she would be completely shocked if you did tell her, it would probably confirm her suspicions.

 

Are you still in affairs now?

[GetAHelmet]

Yes, I'm in both affairs right now. Korean mistress wants to know when we can meet this weekend. So does mistress #1. I have a 4 hour opening I can use on Saturday maybe. But I just want to relax this weekend. I can't take much more of this.

 

I think if my wife suspected this was going on, she'd be all over it. I don't think she knows.

 

I'd like to remove myself from the affairs and not have the wife know. That would avoid the consequences you speak of maybe.

 

I wish you had thought of all that before you cheated......Sorry I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds, but the thing is, there are consquences of your actions.

Did you get yourself checked out to make sure you don't have STD's?

 

The other thing is, if you don't tell your wife, someone else could. You never know if the OW will or if someone saw you. That and I'm sure she knows something isn't right with you - So I doubt she would be completely shocked if you did tell her, it would probably confirm her suspicions.

 

Are you still in affairs now?

[whichwayisup]

Yes, I'm in both affairs right now. Korean mistress wants to know when we can meet this weekend. So does mistress #1. I have a 4 hour opening I can use on Saturday maybe. But I just want to relax this weekend. I can't take much more of this

 

You MUST be strong and end both affairs NOW. Tell both women that it's over.

 

Not only are you hurting your wife, but these two women as well.

 

I think if my wife suspected this was going on, she'd be all over it. I don't think she knows.

 

She may be scared to talk to you about it, fearing her worst nightmare will be true.

I just don't see how you can end the affairs and become the loving and attentive husband again without her ever finding out. It will eat you up inside and start other fears like 'what if she finds out from someone else.' There is ALWAYS that possibility.

 

I'd like to remove myself from the affairs and not have the wife know. That would avoid the consequences you speak of maybe.

 

Well, again, you should have thought of all the consquences before you chose to cheat on your wife. You need to own up and take responsibility for your actions.

Sure you are scared, but you are the one who made this situation happen in the first place.

 

Are you willing to seek therapy for yourself? Work hard on fixing yourself, understand WHY you cheated over and over again?

[Mirage222]

If I was your Wife, I would have wanted out years ago... I don't flame you for who you are but look at what you created with all the other women and look at the hole that is going to take a long time to dig out of... If you WORKED on your marriage to begin with you would have never strayed to the mistresses. I hope things work out for you but if they don't then you truly did get what you deserved.

 

Just don't do what some here do and bring your wife homw an STD or something because you might not be sexual now, but I;m sure you will be with her again while your trying the "fix" yourself, your guilt etc.

[outofdarkness]

Yes, I'm in both affairs right now. Korean mistress wants to know when we can meet this weekend. So does mistress #1. I have a 4 hour opening I can use on Saturday maybe. But I just want to relax this weekend. I can't take much more of this.

 

I think if my wife suspected this was going on, she'd be all over it. I don't think she knows.

 

I'd like to remove myself from the affairs and not have the wife know. That would avoid the consequences you speak of maybe.

you can't have it the way you want it. it just won't work..someone will get pissed and tell, and then your W will be even MORE pissed b/c YOU didn't tell her. You want to just be done w/ it and have it all erased and just move on as if nothing happened..That's not possible. My H tried that and Mistress # 1, in your words, wrote me a letter outlining their A...

[GetAHelmet]

you can't have it the way you want it. it just won't work..someone will get pissed and tell, and then your W will be even MORE pissed b/c YOU didn't tell her. You want to just be done w/ it and have it all erased and just move on as if nothing happened..That's not possible. My H tried that and Mistress # 1, in your words, wrote me a letter outlining their A...

Yeah I hear that! I'm not worried about mistress #1. But the second one has that potential to fly off the handle like that.

[GetAHelmet]

If you WORKED on your marriage to begin with you would have never strayed to the mistresses ..

 

I tried that several times. I don't know that there was really anything I could do. I read some of the posts here on the married section and I can see guys that have spent years working on their marriage with no success. I'm pretty sure I'd be in the same boat.

[4whatItsWorth]

One question, it does sound like the only thing lacking in your marriage was the sexual parts? Did you ever tell your wife how neglected you felt or did you just assume she'd "guess"? Or did you tell her and she ignored it? Or what did she respond?

 

If I was married and my husband did what you did to me, I'd be more than devastated - my world would fall apart. I cannot believe how you could do something so cruel to a person you still claim to want to remain married to. If you loved her - why didn't you just go masturbating? A lot of times women need the man to do her more things than just looking for sex - did you try to help her in the house? Took the kids away so you two could have a romantic weekend just you two? Did you tell her how much you love her? Are you aware some women experience pain after childbirth when it comes to sexual intercourse?

 

If you had given a valid reason for the lack of intimacy in your relationship, I might have had better advice for you than to tell your wife. She DESERVES to know what man she is really married to. Sure, she will scream and probably kick you out. But who can blame her? The moment you cheated on her - you virtually broke the trust and her heart. (Even though she might not yet be aware of it.) And trust me, she probably knows. A woman's intuition is the strongest weapon she's got.

 

Good luck telling your wife, letting her decide where to stand and tell your mistresses they can go look for a SINGLE man.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah I hear that! I'm not worried about mistress #1. But the second one has that potential to fly off the handle like that.

 

Then you need to end it with OW #2 nicely. Don't just dump her and not say word...Otherwise you may have a "fatal attraction" on your hands........... Just tell her you've made a mistake and you need to work on your marriage, and it would be best if she didn't contact you anymore. Appologize for leading her on, if she had any hope along the way that you were going to leave your wife to be with her. Not saying you did that, but she may THINK you did, atleast your actions could have shown her this.

 

I tried that several times. I don't know that there was really anything I could do. I read some of the posts here on the married section and I can see guys that have spent years working on their marriage with no success. I'm pretty sure I'd be in the same boat.

 

Then that it the time to get divorced.

 

If your wife knew that you were going to cheat on her, wanting to be with other women, trust me - SHE WOULD be working on making the marriage better as well.

[outofdarkness]

Yeah I hear that! I'm not worried about mistress #1. But the second one has that potential to fly off the handle like that.

I agree w/ the poster who advised you to let mistress #2 down easily and with empathy. Mabey it will work, mabey it won't. It really depends on how honest you were with her to begin w/...If you have lied about your M and your feelings re: your W., said bad things about your W, etc..you are most likely going to piss her off regardless of what you say. I mean, it's tough to just say, "oh, by the way, I didn't mean any of those rotten things I said about my W...blah blah blah..."...She's probrably not going to believe you at first and then just get pissed. I think you're just going to have to suck it up, brace yourself and hold on for dear life. There is nothing like a woman scorned. Whether or not she goes totally insane depends on her personality/potential to anger easily to begin w/...Also, my H told me that he had an "agreement" with his main OW of 10 years..What this was, I do not know, but I can only guess it had something to do w/ finances..If you made promises, have been helping her, etc., you will have a harder time breaking up w/ her. She may expect you to fulfill your promises...Sorry to sound so bleak, but you HAVE dug yourself a deep hole, and you're going to have to put on some heavy duty climbing gear to get OUT!!! Good luck..

[GetAHelmet]

Then that it the time to get divorced.

 

If your wife knew that you were going to cheat on her, wanting to be with other women, trust me - SHE WOULD be working on making the marriage better as well.

 

Look, I know divorce sounds easier from a distance. But I love my kids, and I am fond of my wife. I don't want to hurt her. I know it sounds completely hypocritical, but that's the way I feel.

 

If my wife decided to work on the marriage out of fear that I might cheat, then I guess I think her actions are motivated by self-serving reasons only. If for whatever reason I got sick and was no longer available to other women, then her reasons for turning around would no longer be there because she acted under a threat to begin with and I'd be back where I started. I hope I'm making sense.

 

And to a previous poster .. no masturbation as my sole sexual outlet is definitely not acceptable. This is not all about the sex, in spite of what you may think. This is about an emotional connection. In fact, the orgasm is almost a letdown for me, because it signals the end of all the acts that culminated to that. I enjoy more the time in bed holding each other and exploring our bodies more than anything.

 

Yes, I tried discussing this with my wife several times. I then felt somewhat stupid. She had no desire to please me sexually or emotionally anymore. She seems to be settled in a comfortable zone where the money is coming in, the house is just the way she likes it, the kids are wonderful, and she'd just as soon not have to deal with sex. The few times we have sex, I can tell she mildly enjoys it, but wants it over with so we don't miss the upcoming episode of CSI.

 

By contrast, my mistresses think I'm the best looking man they've ever seen (I'm definitely not). They shiver with pleasure, lost in some orgasmic extasy when we make love. They want that from me all the time and don't seem to care about anything else. Say they love me and would do anything for me. It's a huge difference from what my wife cares to do. How can ask her to do that? It has to come from desire, not an act of will.

[quankanne]

It's not so much because I'm afraid of what she'd say. I just don't want to crush her like that. I can't imagine how bad she'll feel. She seems so carefree and satisfied right now.

 

after all the crap you've pulled by having multiple affairs, you're worried about crushing her? Sorry, guy, but the damage is already done, but you still have the opportunity to lessen the impact by getting out of your two affairs and coming clean to your wife. Because I guarantee, if you do the first, but avoid letting her know of your unhapiness in your marriage, and she finds or figures it out, it'll be twice as bad. Because you did what you had, then lied about y'alls relationship on top of that.

 

as much as you want to avoid hurting her, you really should respect her enough to let her decide how to handle things on her end because it was *her* choice, not because she was forced into acting on something because she discovered your affairs.

 

I don't know that there was really anything I could do.

 

my sister had a comeback for her kids whenever they told her "I can't" – it's not that you "can't" do something, but that you "won't" do it. You know what you need to do (end your affairs, work on the problem that is causing you to look outside your marriage for whatever is missing in your life, be honest with your wife and allow her to decide for herself if this marriage is worth saving) so that you can be at peace with yourself once again.

[GetAHelmet]

No money has exchanged hands. Oddly enough, I make alot of money, but I have less disposable income than either of my mistresses. They have tons of cash in savings and own their homes outright from generous divorces.

 

Luckily I never promised leaving my wife to either of them, although they've each tried to persuade me to do so. I think my Asian mistress is impulsive and I'm more inclined to think she'll just come to my house just because she wants to see me, period. On the other hand, if she found out about #1 .. I'll have a huge problem on my hands.

 

 

I agree w/ the poster who advised you to let mistress #2 down easily and with empathy. Mabey it will work, mabey it won't. It really depends on how honest you were with her to begin w/...If you have lied about your M and your feelings re: your W., said bad things about your W, etc..you are most likely going to piss her off regardless of what you say. I mean, it's tough to just say, "oh, by the way, I didn't mean any of those rotten things I said about my W...blah blah blah..."...She's probrably not going to believe you at first and then just get pissed. I think you're just going to have to suck it up, brace yourself and hold on for dear life. There is nothing like a woman scorned. Whether or not she goes totally insane depends on her personality/potential to anger easily to begin w/...Also, my H told me that he had an "agreement" with his main OW of 10 years..What this was, I do not know, but I can only guess it had something to do w/ finances..If you made promises, have been helping her, etc., you will have a harder time breaking up w/ her. She may expect you to fulfill your promises...Sorry to sound so bleak, but you HAVE dug yourself a deep hole, and you're going to have to put on some heavy duty climbing gear to get OUT!!! Good luck..

[whichwayisup]

If my wife decided to work on the marriage out of fear that I might cheat, then I guess I think her actions are motivated by self-serving reasons only.

 

Many betrayed spouses say "if only I knew how serious the problems were, and if I had known HOW close my spouse was to cheating, I would've worked harder..."

 

The thing is, you'll never know, and to say it would be self serving - That's funny seeing as you're in the midst of two affairs!

 

All you can do is break it off NOW with the other women and work on yourself.

 

You and your wife need to communicate, so going to MC will help. You're not happy, she's not happy, you're both not fulfilling eachothers needs. Just going back to her after you end the affairs is NOT going to solve the problems. You need to work together to get back that intimacy...Give it your best for the kids sake.

[GetAHelmet]

.. Just going back to her after you end the affairs is NOT going to solve the problems..

 

I agree 100%. I tried that after I stopped the first affair. It didn't take long before I started feeling lonely and empty again.

 

But I'm not so sure my wife is unhappy. She's never expressed any unhappiness and her life is occupied with all sorts of things she's interested in. Obviously those things are more engrssing and stimulating to her than I.

[quankanne]

By contrast, my mistresses think I'm the best looking man they've ever seen (I'm definitely not). They shiver with pleasure, lost in some orgasmic extasy when we make love. They want that from me all the time and don't seem to care about anything else. Say they love me and would do anything for me. It's a huge difference from what my wife cares to do. How can ask her to do that? It has to come from desire, not an act of will.

 

then you ought to ask – and honestly answer – yourself why you'd rather stay married. Divorce doesn't alter how you love your children, and obviously, fondness only takes your marriage so far. Don't the both of you deserve to be in a relationship (either with each other or with completely new partners) where you find happiness and compatibility?

[GetAHelmet]

..Divorce doesn't alter how you love your children ..

 

No but alters how often I'll see them. And it will make my wife's life more difficult.

[whichwayisup]

That's because you don't "talk" in the sense of putting oneselves in eachothers shoes. Really "listen" to her...I bet she's not real happy either. And, she needs to "hear" you as well. It isn't just about sex, it's about the intimacy between a husband and wife - That connection and bond that keeps a couple together.

 

The other thing is, if you never tell her the truth about your affairs, what really is stopping you from doing it again in the future? Again, this is what I was talking about earlier, taking responsibility for your actions and living the consquences of your choices. To sweep it under the rug, what good does that do? Other than protect her from the pain and possibly telling you she wants a divorce? Yeah, that sounds bad, but right now you are making that decision for her by keeping her in the dark.

 

She needs to understand why you cheated. You need to be stronger and say NO to other women, even if you are feeling rejected at home...If you feel that way in the future, talk to your wife! Go to counselling together.

 

I still think you owe her the truth....Cuz I tell ya, your whole life will be a living hell if she finds out from someone else. Never say never. There's been tons of threads on here about spouses finding out on their own or someone else telling them.

[whichwayisup]

No but alters how often I'll see them. And it will make my wife's life more difficult.

 

Sorry, but all this should have been thought about before you cheated. Consquences.........