jerkface Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Greetings, I realize that this post may tempt some of you to lash out and tell me what a jerk-off I am, but I really am in need of some advice and I’d appreciate it if any comments/thoughts/criticism remain constructive. From what I’ve gotten off of this site, it seems to me that this should be no problem. Forgive me for the length of this post. My girlfriend and I broke up four months ago. We were together for four years, are both in our mid-twenties, and are both on equal footing when it comes to our personal and professional development. The final eight months of our relationship was tumultuous at best, and when it was finally over we were most likely both breathing a huge sigh of relief. Four months later, it still hurts like you wouldn’t believe in spite of having absolutely no contact with each other. Part of me is also extremely angry with her. At the same time I’m feeling this immense pain, I’m also feeling that I have absolutely no right whatsoever to be upset about this breakup. I have been cheating on this woman almost since the day we met. Three weeks after starting out with her, I slept with my ex-girlfriend twice in a three-week period. Over the course of our relationship, I have kissed, fondled, and had sex with many women, most of whom meant nothing to me. If I had to count the number of women I’ve cheated on her with, I’d say it’s close to 20. If I had to count the number of times I’ve cheated on her, I’d say it’s approximately 135. I realize that this makes me a loathsome scumbag. No need to remind me of that. The last woman I cheated on her with is the only one I ever had any feelings for. She was everything my ex wasn’t. Compassionate, caring, attentive, bright, educated, cultured (yes, there IS a difference between culture and education), not jealous, not possessive, and very loving. We’ve been together since the ex and I split up, and things couldn’t be better. I have never had the urge to even look at another woman in the four months that we’ve been together. Sounds magical, right? Wrong. I feel as if I in no way deserve a woman like this. I feel as if I could never EVER make up for the horrible things that I did to my ex behind her back. I am so totally ashamed of cheating 135 times (can you BELIEVE THAT? 135 ****ing times!) and feel like it will forever be a giant millstone around my neck. What’s worse is that I can’t shake the eternal nagging question: Is it really true that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater? Have I grown up and moved out of this phase, or is it just a matter of time before it re-surfaces? Was I cheating on the ex because she wasn’t right for me, or is cheating part of my personality/character? The most important thing is this: the new girl deserves nothing but the utmost in kindness and loyalty. I want to provide that, but I‘m worried that I’ve created a habit that can’t be broken.
lindya Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Is it really true that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater? Have I grown up and moved out of this phase, or is it just a matter of time before it re-surfaces? Was I cheating on the ex because she wasn’t right for me, or is cheating part of my personality/character? That's pretty much up to you, isn't it? We all have basic temperaments that influence who we are as adults, but unless a person has a serious psychiatric disorder or is mentally subnormal then surely they have control over and responsibility for their actions. It's up to you what you want to make of your character, and hopefully this positive new relationship will motivate you to forge one that you can be proud of.
Mythical Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Poster this has nothing to do with you just a pervious thread. "Now here's an example of someone with a # prob over 100!!" SEE!!! SEE!!!!!
KittenMoon Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 You can choose to simply NOT cheat. If you can't stop yourself, you have some sort of addiction problem and should seek therapy. You have a lot of guilt obviously, and it might be beneficial to seek therapy anyways. Guilt, however, does not absolve you of your actions. If you cheat on your current gf, do not drag her into your issues. You know your track record- but you can make the choice not to follow your previous path.
CaliGuy Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Greetings, I realize that this post may tempt some of you to lash out and tell me what a jerk-off I am, but I really am in need of some advice and I’d appreciate it if any comments/thoughts/criticism remain constructive. From what I’ve gotten off of this site, it seems to me that this should be no problem. Forgive me for the length of this post. My girlfriend and I broke up four months ago. We were together for four years, are both in our mid-twenties, and are both on equal footing when it comes to our personal and professional development. The final eight months of our relationship was tumultuous at best, and when it was finally over we were most likely both breathing a huge sigh of relief. Four months later, it still hurts like you wouldn’t believe in spite of having absolutely no contact with each other. Part of me is also extremely angry with her. At the same time I’m feeling this immense pain, I’m also feeling that I have absolutely no right whatsoever to be upset about this breakup. I have been cheating on this woman almost since the day we met. Three weeks after starting out with her, I slept with my ex-girlfriend twice in a three-week period. Over the course of our relationship, I have kissed, fondled, and had sex with many women, most of whom meant nothing to me. If I had to count the number of women I’ve cheated on her with, I’d say it’s close to 20. If I had to count the number of times I’ve cheated on her, I’d say it’s approximately 135. I realize that this makes me a loathsome scumbag. No need to remind me of that. The last woman I cheated on her with is the only one I ever had any feelings for. She was everything my ex wasn’t. Compassionate, caring, attentive, bright, educated, cultured (yes, there IS a difference between culture and education), not jealous, not possessive, and very loving. We’ve been together since the ex and I split up, and things couldn’t be better. I have never had the urge to even look at another woman in the four months that we’ve been together. Sounds magical, right? Wrong. I feel as if I in no way deserve a woman like this. I feel as if I could never EVER make up for the horrible things that I did to my ex behind her back. I am so totally ashamed of cheating 135 times (can you BELIEVE THAT? 135 ****ing times!) and feel like it will forever be a giant millstone around my neck. What’s worse is that I can’t shake the eternal nagging question: Is it really true that a cheater is a cheater is a cheater? Have I grown up and moved out of this phase, or is it just a matter of time before it re-surfaces? Was I cheating on the ex because she wasn’t right for me, or is cheating part of my personality/character? The most important thing is this: the new girl deserves nothing but the utmost in kindness and loyalty. I want to provide that, but I‘m worried that I’ve created a habit that can’t be broken. Well I won't bash you. I'll say congrats instead. Congrats that you have guilt. That's the first step in correcting your behavior is feeling guilty and then making a vow to change. How to change from being a cheater, I don't know. I've never been one. Once I am in love, that's it. I don't want anyone else. I don't need anyone else. You may want to talk to a professional marriage Counselor. They would be your best bet for figuring out why you behave that way and then helping you correct your behavior. Hopefully during the process of your cheating you did not pick up some "unwanted luggage" and given it to your ex or your current g/f.
Author jerkface Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 No luggage, thank God. I was always extremely careful, and I've been tested since. Now I'm completely monogamous. I may have been a cheater, but I'm not stupid with my health or the health of anybody I care about. And yes, in spite of the cheating, I really did care for the ex very much.
Guest Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 That took alot of guts to post. First of all there are 3 healings taking place. Yours, hers and then the relationship. Remember there is also a difference between feeling guilty (poor me) and remorse (acknowledging her pain). You obviously gave yourself permission to step outside the relationship. What did you say to yourself to make it alright? Its important you find these answers not only for yourself but for any future relationships. I would suggest an individual counsellor first that specializes in this area. What also worries me is you jumping right into another relationship so quickly before you find the answers. If you really care about any of these women then stay clear of them until you know you can give them the type of honest relationship you would expect from them.
guin_girl Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Your "story" was so close to what I lived. So I have to know, did the woman that you are with now KNOW she was the other woman? Or were you cheating on her with your gf? I was with this guy for 2.5 years and never knew I was the other woman and was DEVASTATED when I found out. I had seen him out for a couple years prior with many other girls, apparently while dating that same poor girl. well I wouldn't call her "poor girl" anymore, she took him back... he cheated on her for YEARS at least 6 of the 8 and she took him back recently. Why did you cheat? are you scared to be alone? Have you ever been on your own, not dating anyone? Maybe you need to find out who you really are?
Lovestoomuch Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 There are people that have an unhealthy sex addiction, which seems to be your case considering how it's making you feel. Like any addiction, acknowledgment along with a desire to change is the first step in getting your life back in order. As you know, no self-respecting, quality woman will want to stay in a relationship with a cheater. Like the others have said, get yourself some therapy. Kudos to you for realizing your problem. Good luck to you.....
Author jerkface Posted February 9, 2007 Author Posted February 9, 2007 Guin Girl To answer your question, the new girl was completely aware of the ex. She was just waiting for me to end it. She also had discussions with me about this infidelity, but she understood that it's hard to leave a person after so long.
Salicious Crumb Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 well..you have the right name for this forum...but you already know that. I would say you are not fit for any long term relationship...I would also say you would be doing a disservice to any woman that you would marry...so maybe you should think of never marrying. Ya ya ya...blah blah blah..I know...people think cheaters can change....but 135 times cheating on one woman? I think committment is not in your vocabulary.
guin_girl Posted February 9, 2007 Posted February 9, 2007 Guin Girl To answer your question, the new girl was completely aware of the ex. She was just waiting for me to end it. She also had discussions with me about this infidelity, but she understood that it's hard to leave a person after so long. Well I will give you credit for manning up to her... and I'm glad this relationship started out "honestly" in that she knew what she was getting into.
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