Lost love?

[Shadowdog36]

I was with a girl that I knew 14 years ago as a friend. Bumped into her on the street back in September and re-initiated contact after 14 years. We hit it off like you wouldn't believe. We had been talking for about a month before I asked her on a date. The Friday night we went out was the 'perfect' night, that turned into the perfect morning...no sex, but some really intimate moments all night long. We ended up going out for a ride on my motorcycle that Sunday, and spent the day together. Never a dull moment, never an awkward feeling, everything was perfect. Over the course of the next couple of days, talking via email at work all day long, she told me how much she trusted me, how funny she thought I was, how I was so good that it scared her, how much she loved kissing me, and that she really really liked me. This was the first woman in my life that I ever thought I was in love with, and was so excited about it that I told her that I was starting to love her. That was the beginning of the end. She started pulling back, telling me that I had messed this up and that I was moving too fast. We tried to get past it, but could never seem to get around the issue. Eventually she told me that she couldn't see me anymore, and that's when my downward spiral began. I chased, and chased, and did everything that everyone tells you not to do, and dug myself deeper and deeper. Two weeks ago was my crash and burn. I went to the doctor, got some meds for the anxiety, and proceeded to take around 15-20 xanax last Friday night. Wasn't sure if I was trying to kill myself. I don't think so, looking back on it now. I think I was trying to medicate the pain away, and I screwed up. Wrecked my car, got arrested, all that good stuff. The anti-depressants that I'm on began to kick in for me mid last week, and for the first time in 3 months, I'm thinking with my head, not my heart. I understand that she felt pressured to respond to what I told her. What was I trying to accomplish by telling her that I loved her? Maybe I needed to hear someone tell me that and I thought she was the one. I needed to tell her all of this, that I understand it now, that I'm not as crazy as I came off over the past couple months. I needed to tell her so I could get closure, so I could look her in the eye and tell her that I was finally ok, that I finally understood my mistakes that I've been defending for the past 3 months. Sent her an email, asking to give me 20 minutes, so I could talk to her. She told me that she's dating someone else, and to not contact her again. Am I crazy? Is she? Is there any hope left in all of this? The Friday night we went out, I fell in love with this girl, and I can't get past the feeling of never seeing her again, never hearing her laugh or seeing her smile. This felt so real...

 

The other part of this that I don't understand...did she mean all of the things she said to me? If she did, how does someone just turn that off?

[LakesideDream]

Man I feel for you. I had the same type of thing in my life... still do a little. I don't have any advice except live it a day at a time.

 

Sorry you stepped into the trap, it's a bad one.

[RealTruth]

This was the first woman in my life that I ever thought I was in love with, and was so excited about it that I told her that I was starting to love her. That was the beginning of the end. She started pulling back, telling me that I had messed this up and that I was moving too fast.

 

Try apologizing and just tell her you were caught up in the moment of a great weekend...sounds like you freaked her out, she probably thought you might be a psycho stalker if u told her you love her already. I had a guy who I was hanging out with as "just friends" (and even told him that from the beginning cause I could tell he liked me) leave me a voicemail playing a song saying he wanted to marry me...totally freaked me out! I refused to ever pick up his calls and my friend had to give him the news for me...But, I never hinted/acted intimate like this girl did for you so she has some attraction/feelings for you...she's just scared for now and needs to be assured you're not psycho, so take it slow.

[Shadowdog36]

That's what I keep thinking. Can I go no contact with this girl if she thinks I'm totally nuts? Do I need to clear the air first? For all I know, she's thinking that she dodged a bullet with me. By letting her know that I understand what I did wrong, that maybe I was in love with how she made me feel, am I just perpetuating her idea that I'm a crazy guy who can't let it go, or is that worth the risk?

 

Part of me wants to tell her all of this as soon as possible, cause she's started dating again, and I don't want to lose any trace chances that I may have left with her. The other part of me tells me to wait a while till things have settled down a bit before having this talk with her.

 

Based on my actions, I need a female opinion. Does a woman who feels pressured, and 'freaked out' ever come back around again if the guy realizes his mistake? I know I've done everything wrong leading up to this, and wish I had learned this lesson with someone before her.

[Shadowdog36]

The following is the message that I wrote last night to her, Haven't sent it (yet?). Need some input on what to do. Please help!!

 

K-

 

There's no easy way for me to begin what I'm about to say, so I'll just get into it. If you actually read past the beginning of this without deleting the

message, I'd be surprised. Suffice to say, I need to do this for my benefit more than for you.

 

I understand the 'why' now, probably more than I ever have in my life. If you remember our conversation that Friday night, I think I told you back

then that I wasn't any good at playing games, really didn't date that much, and wasn't that good at it. I think that ended up to be the

understatement of the year. At the same time, not being good at dating didn't give me the right to lean so much on you, all the while, you

pushing back. That was wrong of me, and I am sorry for that, among other things. When I told you that I loved you, I thought I meant it, even up until a couple of weeks ago. My sister said that maybe I was in love with the 'idea' of you, and that wasn't quite right either. What I loved, what I was having such a hard time losing, was the way you made me feel about myself. I was a better person with you than away from you, more

confident and proud. I wanted to make myself better for you, so that you could 'show me off' to your friends, and I saw the beginning of 'us' as a

path that I was happy to walk down. I loved the way I felt around you, and I thought that was you. Looking at it now, I can clearly see that I was too wrapped up in my emotional state to even begin to relate to what I was dumping on you. That was wrong and I'm sorry.

 

You asked for space and I didn't give you any. I panicked, and began to lay it on thicker, driving nail after nail into our dead relationship's coffin,

until finally you withdrew altogether. For the longest time, I couldn't see the 'why' of all of this. And I think I know why I couldn't see it now. When I was in DC, and I told you about (Name Omitted), I left one awkward moment out of what happened. Right before I left for the wedding that I came back to Pgh for, I told her that I was really falling for her, and that I was in love with the time that we spent together, maybe more. When I got back from Pgh, she was back with her ex. When I told you that I thought I was starting to love you, and you pulled back, all of those feeling of being rejected came washing over me again, and I tried, desperately, to not re-live that feeling. The question has to be asked..what was I hoping to accomplish by saying that to you? The answer was simple..I wanted to hear someone tell me that they loved me. It's been over 10 years since someone said that to me, and the last time, I didn't want to hear it, so it wasn't mutual. I guess I was looking for some reassurance that you really did care about me. I pushed you into making a decision that you weren't ready to make yet, and you chose the one thing that I didn't want to happen...you walked away.

 

After you left, I did everything that you're not supposed to do. I didn't give you space. I didn't let you decide for yourself. I tried to convince you that you cared about me. I tried to reason with you, and talk you into it that way. Everything I did was wrong, probably including this message too! Getting you back that way would have created resentment from you towards me, and a short-term relief from the pain I was feeling, at best.

 

This is the most costly lesson I've learned in my life, one that I wish I had learned on someone before you. All the time I sat here thinking 'Why

doesn't she understand how I feel?', I never once thought about how you felt. I am sorry for that.

 

So why all of this now? Partly because I want you to know how I have changed. I know it sounds like just talk, and so cliche to hear myself say

it, but it's true. I'm quitting smoking..set a date in 2 weeks. Joined Bally's downtown, and made a promise to myself to get back into shape by the summer...already lost 10 pounds! I'm going to stay on the Wellbutrin for a while, and see if it's what I really need. Hopefully, once I get into my workout, I can get off the pills. All of this came directly from how I acted towards you for the past 3 months, and how embarassed I am that I could be so needy, so desperate. I will never be that person again, and I guess I have to, on some level, thank you for that. I'm not doing this for you, I'm doing it for me, but I will constantly get my motivation to stay the course from my experience with you.

 

I guess the other part of why I'm telling you this, even though you made it abundantly clear that you don't care, is that I still care about you. I care about you enough that it bothers me that you think so little of me now, that you can't find a way to talk to me. I want you to know that I am the same person that I was on that Friday night, a night that I will remember as the perfect date and the perfect night. And, most of all, I want you to know that I care about you just enough to let you go. I don't want to be the reason you walk a different way to work, or a different way to the bus stop at night. I don't want to be the reason you look down at the ground or across the street if you see me, not wanting to make eye contact for fear of how I might react. I don't want to be the reason for any discomfort in your life anymore.

 

You said you wouldn't respond, and that's ok. I don't need one anymore. You don't have to worry about me contacting you anymore either. I've

said what I needed to say, and I've found the peace that I was looking for. Understand or not, I'm finished.

[RealTruth]

You sound really heartfelt in the letter, but that is way too deep to send her at this moment she told you not to contact her.

 

Your initial contact to see if she'll even respond to her should be a simple apology like I noted..."carried away in the moment" as your letter spells out your whole life story to her, too much of an open book; you don't want to tell her "she makes you a better man" story (even if true) at this point as that will make her think even more that you are a stalker.

[Shadowdog36]

After all of the chasing I've done over the past 3 months, I feel like I need to say more, and a simple apology seems...empty, like I'm trying to say what she wants to hear in order to get back on her good side. I guess I was trying to explain why I was sorry, and that I understood a lot more now than I did before. Besides, what do I apologize for? The chasing? The initial 'love' comment? Not being able to let go? It seems like I should be saying more.

[RealTruth]

Suffice to say, I need to do this for my benefit more than for you.

 

I guess the other part of why I'm telling you this, even though you made it abundantly clear that you don't care, is that I still care about you.

 

You said you wouldn't respond, and that's ok. I don't need one anymore. You don't have to worry about me contacting you anymore either. I've

said what I needed to say, and I've found the peace that I was looking for. Understand or not, I'm finished.

 

Shadowdog, my advice to keep it light is for if you do want to keep in contact with her, honestly, a better chance of her responding...if your tru intention is based on everything I quoted (above) then you are sending her the letter for YOU and most likely she will blow you off and cut you off for good...block your e-mail account, etc...it just sounds too much like you are saying you need this woman in your life to be whole and happy and that will scare her! I have had a guy tell me he would not contact me anymore and he still did so if you pour all this on her she will still be scared of you...sorry, just how women are, there are too many bad stories out there.

[Shadowdog36]

Of course I want to get back together with her. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a lost cause. I tried to keep it light with her before...part of the whole 'doing everything wrong' that I did a couple months ago. I would send her these little notes, just little updates on what I've been up to, and things that we used to talk about. And I never got a response from her. Dead silence. Towards the end, I told her that if she wants me gone to tell me, cause the feeling I have has me paralyzed and I may need a push. Still...nothing. Silence. It felt like she wasn't ignoring me but actively avoiding and contact with me at all. Maybe I read that the wrong way, and maybe I convinced myself that she was doing this cause she was trying to get over me. Thinking about it now...maybe she already was.

 

Sorry for not coming clean with that part before, but I'm quite embarassed that I could have actually been that guy. Now that you know all of this, do you still think a light, short note would help?

[Curmudgeon]

I'd decidedly give it a rest. The more contact you attempt, for any reason, the more she'll withdraw and consider you unstable at this point.

 

You ran into her once unexpectedly. Perhaps one day you will do so again. On the other hand, perhaps you won't and you should move on with your life as if that's going to be the reality.

 

I know it's not easy but right now, where you're concerned, all she wants is peace and that means no contact.

[Shadowdog36]

Every day gets a little easier. I find myself walking in front of the building she works in less and less, still hoping I might have that 'chance' encounter again. I cried about this last night, probably harder than I have since my father died. It helped. All the frustration and despair seemed a little less, and I walked to work today feeling pretty good about myself.

 

It still bothers me that she thinks so little of me, but that's my problem that I have to work out. She doesn't care that I figured all this out, and that was probably my biggest realization, and what I need to hold onto to stay away...She Doesn't Care!!!

 

After reading so many different posts on here, I realize that I'm not as screwed up as I thought I was, and that makes me feel better too. That came out wrong...I realize I'm not the only one screwed up, and that makes me feel better-is what I meant to say. The advice on here is just what I needed, as well as somewhere to vent a little.

[cityboy]

After reading so many different posts on here, I realize that I'm not as screwed up as I thought I was, and that makes me feel better too. That came out wrong...I realize I'm not the only one screwed up, and that makes me feel better-is what I meant to say. The advice on here is just what I needed, as well as somewhere to vent a little.

 

No man, you're human, and sounds like you're dealing pretty well, as well as one can hope. We all bust out crying here and there - it's part of healing. Stick with it, and feel free to message me if you need to vent. I'm here for anyone who wants to dish, as everyone here has been there for me. Chin up, chief.

[Shadowdog36]

Thanks, cityboy. The hardest part of it all is still the 'why' regardless of what I say. If we had a fight or something to wrap this around, I could understand it better, but this was more of a fade away, and at such an early point too. It's not like we went stale. It's not like what I did was so unforgiveable, was it? I can understand if she needed space, and the way I've acted over the past couple months just confirms to her what she thought about me. The big question I have is, why did she push away so hard in the beginning? We discussed what I said to her, and she seemed to be ok with it, a little freaked, but ok. Next thing I know...BAM! See ya! Out of nowhere. They say you only have one chance to make a first impression. How long does that 'first impression' stage last? I thought I was past that with her cause we got so close, so fast. I trusted her with so much, and we would have very open and honest conversations. She even asked me, while laying in bed, if I wanted children. She told me that she wanted twins. When I told her that my cousin had twins, she smiled, and told me, jokingly, that bodes well for me. We both smiled about that, and I thought I was in love. Long term plans! Children! Finally, at 36 years old, I found someone! Wow!

 

At one point, she asked me, why it was considered ok or normal for a guy to freak out about a relationship, but not for a girl. She asked me about kids, and I didn't even blink. No points for that? I was happy that she was thinking that way.

 

Sorry, starting to vent again. I think I'm moving past the sorrow and into anger now. Thanks for listening.

[cityboy]

Hey man, don't be hard on yourself. It just seems that people sometimes do just fall out of love, just like that. It may have been germinating, may have been subconscious, but it does happen.

 

Consider yourself lucky that it happened now at 36 (that's how old I am, too) rather than 10 years from now when it could hurt even more. You've got time. Take the time to heal. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. You'll find someone with whom there will be NO DOUBT. Won't that feel great?

[Guest]

Hey, don't be too hard on yourself. What's really wrong with telling her that you start to love her when you truely felt so??? If she freaks out, it's her problem, not yours. Maybe you shouldn't have chased her too much after she started pulling away. That's probably what finally pushed her away. But it wasn't 100% your fault. I have to say that at some level she led you on. One hand doesn't clap! But for now, I can't see you two being together. Everything seems a bit rushed and messed up. The more you contact her, the more she will feel annoyed by you. So stick with NC and get closure for yourself.

[Shadowdog36]

Closure. That's what I keep telling myself that I'm trying to get. Closure. What's wrong with me that I don't want to let go yet? Do I really want to experience this pain and disappointent? Why can't I tell myself that I want to let go and really mean it? Part of me is scared about what I'd think if I told myself that, but I know that's where I need to be.

 

The chasing...I know. I feel like if I had been able to walk away back then, maybe...

 

I live alone. No brothers...1 sister. My father died 6 years ago. When she started pulling away from me, and I started getting 'clingy', no one was there to tell me to back off. As a guy, it's hard to talk to my friends about these feelings. Not to mention, I ride a Harley so most of my 'friends' are bikers. I can only imagine what those conversations would be like!

 

I saw her in the food court in the building across the street from me today. I turned around and she was less than 10 feet away from me. I don't know if she saw me, cause I turned away so fast. She caught me off guard, and I didn't know what to say. That, and the butterflies in my stomach, mixed with the lunch I just ate didn't exactly leave me feeling like I could handle a casual 'hi'. Don't know if she saw me, and I come running home to check my email to see if maybe she's now realized after seeing me again what a mistake she made. Nothing. Thought so. Up and down and up and down...is this what they mean by lovesick?

[Shadowdog36]

OK, so today I'm thinking about all of this again (surprise, surprise) and I remember when I first asked her out. I said, "If you're not going out of town this weekend, have dinner with me Friday." I remember this because of what she told me later. She said one of the things she really liked, one of the things that made her say yes was the way I asked her out. I was confident, not arrogant, and very sure of myself.

 

Over the course of the next week, I turned into something else, and as I sit here reading what I wrote earlier, I'm a little sick of hearing myself whine about this. I can imagine what it was to her.

 

So, I've officially changed my mind...happy that I didn't send that last message. If I ever run into her on the street, and I get my chance in casual conversation, here's what I'll say...

 

"I'm sorry that I turned into such a pussy. I don't know where that came from. I wasn't the man that asked you out that Friday night. If the day comes some time down the road and we're both single, I'll wear the pants this time and leave the skirt at home."

 

Exactly what I want to say. I'm sorry. I know what I did. Remember the good times we had. I still care, but not enough to wait around forever. I'm different and I'll show you.

 

Opinions????

[Guest]

I think its a wonderful heartfelt letter. But (you knew that was coming) I hate to say if I was her I would not read it all. Its too long and too deep especially considering the situation. The last thing you want her to do is relive what scared her off in the first place.

 

I say make the apology heartfelt but short and anything else keep it brief and light.

[lonelybird]

Hi Shadowdog36

 

You need to calm down now. and put your focus off her for a while. from your post I think probably she was freak out. and letters or 'pop into her' would freak her out more. a woman usually want secure and love from man, and love based on patience and trust which need time to nurture. maybe she senced you eagerly want something from her but she could not give you right now as the short time you know each other. so further push won't serve your purpose here.

I understand you want someone to say "love you", I will be blunt here, you need to have that love in you first before someone love you. yes, sometimes if we are lucky, someone would be happy to give us the unconditional love, but I won't count on that. most people are 'want mode', not 'give mode', but great hope ahead of you, when you learn to give, then automatically you will receive. hope this will make sense.

 

_________________

For love rules willing hearts, but fear the unwilling. One kind of fear is base; but the other, leading us as a pedagogue to good, brings us to Christ, and is saving.

www.tbn.org

[Shadowdog36]

It seems like every day I have another grand 'revelation'. I need thoughts/input about this.

 

When I was growing up, my father was the 'earner', the enforcer, and only on rare occasions did he offer true advice. He was 'old school' when it came to sex, had only been with 2 women in his entire life, and used to harp on me about how it was something special between 2 people. This advice was given to me in my late teens/early 20's when he was concerned about irresponsible behavior on my part. I guess in a way, he was trying to keep me from making a mistake too early in life. Throughout my 20's, we disconnected. He was drinking a lot, and so wrapped up in his drama, that any advice worth anything (when he was sober) was far and few between, but he always maintained his views on sex.

 

Fast forward to last October. The Sunday that I was with her, we had sex. Granted, it's not like she was the first woman I've ever been with, but she was the first in a long time that I actually cared about. Given my experience, my advice from my father, did I read too much into what happened between us?

 

I keep thinking that I need to be the strong guy, The Man, if you will. The guy that walks straight up to her and says 'It's never off the table between us' and walks away to let her process that. This girl is not the type to have sex on a second date, so I think what happened between us shows that there were some pretty strong feelings between us, however short lived they were at the time.

 

Maybe I told her that I loved her because I thought she was showing me how she felt through her actions, assuming that she shared my views on sex. Maybe I was trying too hard to show her how I felt in return.

 

I know everyone on here will tell me not to contact her, and to get on with my life like we'll never be together, but the thought still haunts me...is there a chance with this girl? Not tomorrow, not next month, but some time down the line. I asked it once before, and I didn't really get any answers, so let me ask again. If a man says too much, too soon, and realizes his mistake and why he said it...if a man does everything wrong to try to win her back and sees the mistakes, really sees them...Is there ever a chance of this happening for us again?

 

Regardless of the answers I get, I will not contact her, so don't think that you'll be influencing me one way or the other. I've resolved it in my head that I will not be the one to initiate any contact with her, especially concerning all of this. I won't ignore the girl, and if I pass her in the street, I'd give her the most casual 'hi' I could muster, but not all of this.

 

Just curious I guess.

[lonelybird]

It seems like every day I have another grand 'revelation'. I need thoughts/input about this.

 

When I was growing up, my father was the 'earner', the enforcer, and only on rare occasions did he offer true advice. He was 'old school' when it came to sex, had only been with 2 women in his entire life, and used to harp on me about how it was something special between 2 people. This advice was given to me in my late teens/early 20's when he was concerned about irresponsible behavior on my part. I guess in a way, he was trying to keep me from making a mistake too early in life. Throughout my 20's, we disconnected. He was drinking a lot, and so wrapped up in his drama, that any advice worth anything (when he was sober) was far and few between, but he always maintained his views on sex.

 

Fast forward to last October. The Sunday that I was with her, we had sex. Granted, it's not like she was the first woman I've ever been with, but she was the first in a long time that I actually cared about. Given my experience, my advice from my father, did I read too much into what happened between us?

 

I keep thinking that I need to be the strong guy, The Man, if you will. The guy that walks straight up to her and says 'It's never off the table between us' and walks away to let her process that. This girl is not the type to have sex on a second date, so I think what happened between us shows that there were some pretty strong feelings between us, however short lived they were at the time.

 

Maybe I told her that I loved her because I thought she was showing me how she felt through her actions, assuming that she shared my views on sex. Maybe I was trying too hard to show her how I felt in return.

 

I know everyone on here will tell me not to contact her, and to get on with my life like we'll never be together, but the thought still haunts me...is there a chance with this girl? Not tomorrow, not next month, but some time down the line. I asked it once before, and I didn't really get any answers, so let me ask again. If a man says too much, too soon, and realizes his mistake and why he said it...if a man does everything wrong to try to win her back and sees the mistakes, really sees them...Is there ever a chance of this happening for us again?

 

Regardless of the answers I get, I will not contact her, so don't think that you'll be influencing me one way or the other. I've resolved it in my head that I will not be the one to initiate any contact with her, especially concerning all of this. I won't ignore the girl, and if I pass her in the street, I'd give her the most casual 'hi' I could muster, but not all of this.

 

Just curious I guess.

You will be fine. patience and trust, you will get your dream girl

[Shadowdog36]

If you're not giving any real advice, please don't post here. lonelybird, while the words of support seem to be sincere, they're not answering the question that I ask. I don't need to hear that I'll be ok. I know I will. I'm looking for some understanding now. lonelybird - Please keep your religion to yourself.

 

I really need an honest opinion about what I asked before. What are my chances with this girl at some point in the future, based on my prior actions?

[taylor]

From just one young woman's perspective to you...

 

I met a young man a couple years ago. The first date was wonderful and I looked forward to the second.

 

On the second date he told me he loved me and took me to his house to meet his family. They welcomed me with open arms. His sister invited me to lunch the next week and his mother sent me cookies to my place of employment the next day.

 

I shouldn't have, but I went out on a third date with him. He started talking about finally finding "the one."

 

I freaked out. I felt trapped. I felt pressured. Any "good" feelings I may have had for him turned to fear. I felt like I was being pushed into something that I hadn't even thought about and certainly wasn't ready for. This man was still virtually a stranger to me but I felt like he was trying to push his way into my personal life before I was ready for him to. That's all I wanted to do was run and I did - as far away from him as I could.

 

I didn't spend any time thinking about him as a person - whether he and I were compatible or whether I wanted to date him in the future. My only thought was to get out of the "trap" and alleviate the pressure.

 

Later, when I took time to think about this guy, I realized he was a good man but very desperate and needy, in my opinion. But it did not make me want to seek a relationship with him (sorry, just being honest).

 

He eventually started dating a girl and within 8 months was married. I'm happy for him.

 

I don't know what the chances are that this girl will "stop running" from you, turn around, and want to come back. You would have to have a crystal ball to answer that one.

 

If I had to guess, I would say the chances are slim (sorry, again).

 

But one thing I could say with near certainty is that if you continue to contact her, your chances will be zero. She needs time and space for the pressure and fear to dissipate.

 

It's just my opinion, but I think the only thing that will completely remove the pressure and fear is if she sees that you have let go and moved on with another girl.

 

If she has any real feelings for you after she sees you with someone else, it may motivate her to take a second look. If she doesn't have any real feelings for you, she will do as I did - be very happy that you moved on.

 

I know this isn't what you probably wanted to hear, but you did ask for the female perspective. I am young and I haven't had much experience, but I hope it may have given you a little bit of insight. I am sure there are others who can provide you with more.

 

I hate this expression myself, but I know it is true: "There are a million fish in the sea...." Keep fishing and when you snag one, reel it in REAL SLOW. Good luck to you.

[Shadowdog36]

Thanks, taylor. It's nice to hear the other side of things, instead of the standard responses---don't contact...move on...self esteem issues...heal yourself. I get all of that. Didn't at first, but like I said in the beginning, I'm taking the steps necessary to 'move on' and fix what was wrong with me.

 

I guess the thing that I see as different is that we had that common history from so long ago. I assumed that after we finally got together, had sex, shared some really private things about each other...I guess I assumed that I could let my guard down. I tend to romanticise things and the way we kept running into each other in the city, after that initial re-contact...we joked that it was fate that brought us together.

 

I guess the more I think about it, the more I realize that, yes, I did say too much, but everything I saw had us moving forward, together. Is it possible that I was led to this? Nothing intentional on her part, but all the things she said to me had me believing that we were going to be together for a long time (she actually came out and said it to me at one point).

 

Do I feel responsible? Yes.

 

100%? No.

 

Why can't we learn to talk about these things out in the open? I feel like I just completed a jigsaw puzzle, only to find that one piece doesn't fit. Everything else ... EVERYTHING was right.

 

Taylor, did you know this guy from before? How long had you known him before he asked you out? That's the part that I get hung up on...we haven't been strangers for a long time.

 

I meant what I said about not wanting to be the reason for any more discomfort in her life, and I will move on. The fact that I'm now trying to analyze all of this, instead of 'feeling' all of this, tells me that I've already started.

[taylor]

Shadowdog,

 

There is nothing wrong with you that needs to be fixed!

 

You are just a helpless romantic who connected with someone from your past, fell in love and wanted to pursue a relationship.

 

Unfortunately, the woman you fell for wasn't quite on the same page with you. Perhaps she led you on a bit. Perhaps you read a little more into it than there was.

 

The man I had three dates with was not a complete stranger. We were in school together, crossed paths, but never "met." But once we spoke, he tried to move the relationship forward at lightening speed within a matter of a couple weeks.

 

Most recently, I fell in love for the first time with a man I had been seeing for four months. I thought he fell in love, also. Within three months, he had asked me to marry him. But I didn't run because I was in love. As it turnned out, I was a rebound girl. He broke up with me to rekindle a relationship with his former relationship.

 

Did he lead me on? Yes. Did he love me? Probably not. Why did he lead me on if he didn't love me. I still don't have that answer. And you may never have all your answers, either, no matter how much you analyze what happened.

 

Accepting what happened, rather than analyzing what happened, will bring you closure and help you to move on. I know, easier said that done. I'm still trying to accept what happened. It just takes time.

 

Learning from the experience is also important. It will help you when your next relationship comes along.

 

What I learned is relationships can't be rushed. They take time to build. Feelings need time to grow and two people need time to get to know each other well enough to trust each other, feel comfortable with each other, and develop a bond that will last.

 

Hold on to your self-esteem and don't beat yourself up about what happened. Good luck to you.