justagirlforever Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 My last update to my thread is over two months ago, so I have to start a new thread (so the board tells me). To have any idea what I'm talking about, you'd have to read my original thread : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=104592 Well, I thought it's time for an update. If you want the short version - read the first and last couple of paragraphs I'll start off by the good news: I'm doing fantastically well and am so happy and excited that I can jump from joy (seriously). The bad news: ? There is none! (not now anyway). Since my last post 2 months ago now (wow - how time flies!) my life has gone through tremendous change. Very soon after my last post, a few things very quickly happened. 1) I found the PERFECT little cottage to move to. For me and my cat and my fish. It even has a gorgeous little garden of its own. It absolutely couldn't be better and I couldn't believe when they accepted my offer (to rent). Because just before Christmas the market was dead - no properties and lots of people looking. So it was a mini miracle in many ways. 2) I decided to go on holiday for 3 weeks to South America over Christmas and New Year. That weekend after I last wrote, my ex went to see his family (and unknowing to me) checked with them if it would be OK if I wanted to join him/them for Christmas. While he was away, I realised that I needed to sort myself out for Christmas as there was no one in this country I could spend Christmas with and spending it with my ex & family didn't even cross my mind (in fact, I'd rather have stuck pins in my eyes! {figure of speech}). So I decided South America it is! I called an agent and booked myself on a small adventure tour to Ecuador. When the ex returned from that weekend, he extended the offer to spend Christmas - to which I politely declined as I said I was off to South America. He was surprised (and rather jealous) to say the least! Those last few weeks leading up to Christmas were stressful to say the least. Trying to pack and organise the house and work, it wasn't easy at all - whilst "pretending" (only to ourselves) to still lead a normal life with the ex. Came the 22nd of December, my long awaited and much needed holiday was to start. Long story short, it started off on a catastrophic foot - to say the very least. My flights got horrendously delayed (bad weather) and I missed connecting flight in Amsterdam. I was stuck on my own at 1.30am in the morning on a deserted airport (a few bodies of people sleeping on chairs here and there, but no staff). I had a very bad cold, I could hardly walk because my feet had huge blood blisters on my heels as I didn't expect to be walking in my special flight socks with my hiking boots (I was only meant to step across from one plane to the next - instead ended up wandering around for hours). I missed the ex like mad. The only person I could find didn't want to help me (bad weather isn't the airline's fault). I had no where to go. No where to stay. No one to call. And had absolutely no idea if I could even get on a flight to South America the next day. And even if I could, I'd be a day late for the start of my tour. It was bad. I haven't sobbed like that in a long long long time. And haven’t felt as lonely either. The next day I was told that all flights were full. To South America and even back to London. I was stuck. It was the 23rd of December and life just sucked. In the end, a very kind lady (possibly due to the pitiful look I had) kindly tried her utmost - and finally got me on a flight to Ecuador that night. Business class (free) upgrade no less! So that gave me a little glimmer of hope. Once I arrived in South America, it took forever to track down my group - and off we whizzed into the mountains. And bang I got altitude sickness - badly. So on top of the sore feet, the slitting headache, running nose and coughing, I now had no balance, felt nauseous and could hardly see because of the pain in my head. Luckily, the next day we headed into the jungle (much lower altitude) so the sickness reduced - but then I picked up a stomach bug . Could it get much worse? Possibly yes. I was crying my eyes out (silently) every night. I didn't want to be there. I hated everything around me. I just wanted to go home. On top of which, I by now had raging vomiting and diarrhea on top of everything else. However - it all got better. I cried less every day. My cold slowly cleared up. My feet started healing and after a week (so I could walk without hobbling), my stomach bug also cleared up (and I could finally start eating!). I started bonding with the group and we had an amaaaaaazing time. By the end of the holiday, I felt like I was leaving my family. On so many levels, this holiday was the best thing I could have ever done right then. Despite all the bad stuff I had to go through. But it made all the good stuff a million times better. Now in hindsight, it was quite probably my best holiday ever (and I've had some pretty amazing ones). By the end of the holiday, I was super excited to start the new year. I picked up the keys to my new house on the day I landed. However I couldn't yet move in as I needed a removals van and could only do that on the weekend. So that rest of the first week back, I was staying back at the ex on the couch. That first evening back, I saw the ex after 3 weeks. I wasn't sure what I'd expect to feel at all. I wasn't nervous, excited or sad. And when I finally did see him, I felt just nothing. Which was so very very weird. I wasn't suppressing my emotions. I wasn't in denial. But I could actually care very little about seeing him I just suddenly realised that in the 3 weeks I was away (I obviously did a LOT of thinking during this time - especially that first week), I completely "moved on" in my mind. Not only that: but also my heart. I surprised myself, but I was happy. Really really happy. It's hard to describe, but I suddenly felt so so free. I didn't expect this at all. I'm smiling all the time. I'm excited. I look forward to everything. I have endless energy. The world is my oyster. I then realised, that for far too long, I was trying to hold onto something which wasn't meant to be. Like trying to clench onto a fist full of fine hot sand. The harder you grasp, the harder it is to keep. And it finally slipped right through my fingers. I started reading back on some of my old journal entries. And am shocked and surprised to see how unhappy I was since last time this year. The uncertainty that ate at me constantly -every waking and sleeping moment. The void of love I had and he couldn't give. I gave far far too much - to my very own detriment. But only now can I see that. We only live 10 minutes walk away from each other. But I do not have the slightest desire to see him or call him. Not that I'm avoiding him. On the contrary. I'm very happy to still remain friends. I still love him as a friend. But if given the choice or option, would I try to reestablish a relationship with him? No. Categorically not. Of that I'm as certain as I could ever be. I wish him the best and I'm sure we'll be friends for years to come. And, 3 months ago, I can't possibly have imagined I'd say this today: But I'm happy. Content. Excited about life. It feels like I've woken up from a long long sleep and bad dream. And I'm certain that this year is going to be just fantastic!
MagnoliaJane Posted January 31, 2007 Posted January 31, 2007 Justagirlforever, So nice to hear from you! I have been wondering how you were doing! Your story is truly an inspiration for all of us. I admire the way you have handled the entire break-up process with a lot of dignity. Great to hear about your adventures in Ecuador also. I myself am a Bolivia-fanatic Keep in touch!
Author justagirlforever Posted February 2, 2007 Author Posted February 2, 2007 Thanks MagnoliaJane! I've surprised myself by how well I've done. I think I came to realise that I can do one of two things: 1) Let my grief consume me and ruin everything around me. The way I reacted to and handled (or not) my heartache and emotions of my 2 relationships prior to this one, had such extreme and negative effects on my life, that I vowed never to be effected (or let myself be) effected in such a way ever again. I lost all rational thought, was so depressed (literally) that I was signed off work for 3 months and put on anti-depressants. And finally "lost" my dream job because I was so utterly ashamed that I resigned. Or 2) Understand and accept that life actually does go on after a breakup. It will pass you by and not wait while I wallow in self pity and grief. So deal with it (I went for councelling and spoke myself hoarse to so many of my friends it must have driven them nuts). Just take a step back and look at the reality of the situation (yeah, this is the tough one). And keep going. And one day, when the time is right, I will fall in love again. Smile. I am so deeply grateful that I could actually accomplish the latter. Hey, it took me 6 months in total to get here and it was a rough ride. I have no regrets and wouldn't have wished it any other way. Oh, and I'm starting a part time degree course in Criminology and Psychological Studies which I'm very excited about. So, so many good and exciting new things to look forward to this year. Hope you're doing well MagnoliaJane
Author justagirlforever Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 Well, for the record, this is my last post in this section on my ex. I'm over him. I have my complete & peaceful closure. In my heart and mind I've moved on. What we had, turned into a lovely friendship. And is working 100% for both of us. The other day he came over for dinner and to check out my new place and we were having a brief chat. Obviously we have plenty of mutual friends. His birthday was coming up and I said "listen, it's no big deal not to be there at the party" (with all our friends). And he said "you know you're more than welcome (which he wholehearedly meant). And then said: the only time when (we meet up as a group) it might be akward, is if I have a new date with me". And I thought instantly: It wouldn't bother me in the least. But the second after I had that though, I was surprised at myself. Surprised because I didn't expect I might feel quite so free about this so soon. But I do. So am happy to say that I'm truly happy. As happy as I've probably not been (this way) since (it sounds insane saying this) we met. I look forward to embracing life as a single person for as long as I feel. I just want to enjoy some "me time". Well, that's it really. Thanks to everyone who supported me or advised and gave feedback during this. It helped. Happy ending
MagnoliaJane Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 Justagirlforever, You sound and look really happy! I'm happy for you! And thank you for bringing optimism and joy to this site. I am wondering... how did you move on relatively quickly from a 4 yr relationship? Got over him without dragging the pain along, and along... as so many of us seem to do? I'm not holding on to the hope of reconciling with my ex any longer, I know it's done and dusted, but I can't say I'm jumping from joy these days either. I'm just really, really focused on my work right now, and I derive sense and meaning from that. But I know the healing is going to take more time... to the point where I can't tell how long... and that doesn't feel good. I want it to be over and done now too! So therefore my question. How were you able to let go? And be friends? What I also don't get is, he can not be in a relationship with you anymore because doesn't feel 'himself', yet is talking about a potential date with someone else (already)? And you can be in a friendship with him? How come that doesn't hurt (by no means I'm saying it should, in fact it is absolutely wonderful that it doesn't - and it's great to let go of these feelings of hurt, frustration, and anger). After all, life is too precious. But still, I guess I'm looking for ways to understand better where you're coming from, where you are now and how you got there. I was also wondering... did you meet someone else??? Is that "the trick"?
oppath Posted February 24, 2007 Posted February 24, 2007 It sounds to me like the other areas of your life are going well, and you realize that him and you aren't meant to be together, yet you are also confident that you will love again. I think that last part is why you have moved on so well! Most people on these boards have skepticism of it.
Author justagirlforever Posted February 24, 2007 Author Posted February 24, 2007 So therefore my question. How were you able to let go? And be friends? What I also don't get is, he can not be in a relationship with you anymore because doesn't feel 'himself', yet is talking about a potential date with someone else (already)? And you can be in a friendship with him? How come that doesn't hurt (by no means I'm saying it should, in fact it is absolutely wonderful that it doesn't - and it's great to let go of these feelings of hurt, frustration, and anger). After all, life is too precious. But still, I guess I'm looking for ways to understand better where you're coming from, where you are now and how you got there. I was also wondering... did you meet someone else??? Is that "the trick"? Thank you MagnoliaJane & oppath I wish I could say there is a "trick". But it's a series of events that leads to acceptance. (Says she who can remember literally sobbing into the keyboard - barely able to see the screen - as I wrote my fist few posts here) I love(d) him dearly (more than I have anyone ever), but giving more than everything (of my heart, soul, love & being) when that still wasn't enough - was too much for me. Time to move on and live life. My life. He's absolutely not ready to date anyone yet. I know that. And if he was to date and meet someone and that turns into a relationship, it would quite possibly end in a disaster. Because he hasn't taken that time he needs to sort himself out on the inside. And in his heart he knows this. But I think I've also come to realise that he's one of those people who just cannot be alone - hence the reason he's so keen to date again. He loves being loved and needs to be loved. But I'm not his "life minder". I'm not going to remind him of those things. It's his life. Much as I'd love for him to be happy and love. It's not my mission in life. It's not my "problem". We met up the other night for dinner. Very enjoyable - nice and relaxed. Mostly talking about stuff in general. And I wanted to let him know how (really) happy & content I was. But he changed the subject so quickly into something else - so I just thought - he's not ready to hear this - and dropped it. I'm sure he could see. And no, I've definitely not met anyone (yet). Nor do I want to or am looking. I'm not even "window shopping" I think overall the biggest "trick" I learnt (for my circumstances) - was realising that things were just not right. They weren't superficial things. They weren't things I could possibly change. I really had no choice but to move on. But one of the biggest things that happend for me to see this, was that holiday I took to South America. It was possibly the most heart breaking & super challenging thing I've had to endure - but also the best holiday ever. That time away from home - away from him - with a bunch of strangers & just myself - over Christmas - was the main thing that made me reconnect with myself. And with that and since that, my thoughts have not been consumed with him. I just don't think of him anymore morning, noon and night. I didn't have to try at this point anymore - it just happend. And I could choose whether I held on (to the past) with regret & sense of failure - or kept a friend - and walked away with my chin up and face life. Because (yep I know this sounds lame) life is happening out there - and if I don't stick with it, it passes by All the best to you MagnoliaJane (and thank you again for your interest & support) - you'll get there too
Recommended Posts