Married, having affair, and in love

[vyxxxn]

I'll try to make this as brief as possible, as I'm new here

 

Been married 16 yrs. I love my husband. BUT. He has changed a lot since starting his new job a year ago...he hates it and so takes it out on me and our three kids (anger, tantrums, being bitchy, no sex drive, etc.).

 

We are both 44 yrs old. Used to have sex a lot. In fact, we are both swingers and have been for 6+yrs, going to clubs occasionally and having sex with others with each others' permission.

 

So I met a guy online then in person. This is not unusual for me. I have lots of friends that I made online and then met in person and we are great friends and that's it. Been doing this (carefully) for many years. So anyway, this guy was different. There's MAJOR chemistry here.

 

Things evolved. I've been having this affair now, without hubby's knowledge, for almost 18 months. Hubby knows the guy; he's been to our house, and hubby thinks we are just friends. EVERYONE thinks we are just friends. Including HIS girlfriend, whom I am ALSO friends with (although we became friends after this guy and I started sleeping together).

 

He doesn't want to break up with girlfriend, I don't want to break up with husband. But we have both expressed regret that we didn't meet in life earlier, because we would probably be married now. I know I love him, and am in love with him, but at the same time I still love my husband. He loves his girlfriend, but has told me that he loves me, and trust me, getting him to talk about his emotions is a major thing. BTW, he told me that he loved me first, even though I knew I loved him for awhile, and just didn't want to admit it.

 

I guess right now we're FWB, but we love each other too. We don't have any plans on ending things. His girlfriend doesn't like sex much....my husband doesn't want to have sex at all (probably due to depression)...so we help each other out with that, plus we're friends, and we love each other.

 

So am I totally screwed up? This is the first time in 16 years that I have ever cheated on my husband...I mean, without him knowing about me sleeping with someone else - because with the swinging, we ask permission first. Obviously with J. I didn't ask permission.

 

I guess I should mention that while my H and I dated, he did cheat on me quite a few times while I was being faithful to him, and he has cheated a couple of times after we were married and before we started swinging. We got through that. That was early on in the marriage. I never even contemplated "cheating" until I met J. Like I said, the chemistry is incredible. It's kinda what I used to feel with my H. But since H is in this depression and being angry all the time...there have been times that I have seriously considered just getting the hell out. But here's the deal - we have three kids, all three have special needs, and my physical condition has me on the verge of being able to file for SSI Disability (I have really bad arthritis and fibromyalgia, among other things). I have a part time job, but I can't hold down a full time job or earn enough to support the kids. SO I quite literally can't leave my husband.

 

I don't have any specific emergency, or anything...I guess I just wanted to get this off my chest and see what other people think about the whole situation. I CAN guess some replies: "Are you frickin' nuts, being friends with everyone?" "You're cheating, tell hubby the truth and end the relationship with the OM" and so forth. I already know that.

 

Thanks for letting me go on and get this off my chest.

[Sup]

You're right, tell your husband everything and let him move on if he wants, stop wasting his life. You should have though about not being able to live without your husband BEFORE you cheated, now let your husband go.

[whichwayisup]

I have no real advice for you except I think you know how this is going to end. Sooner or later you two WILL be caught and disaster, alot of pain and suffering will be felt by everybody.

 

Sooner or later you have to decide what kind of lifestyle you want to live, and stick to it.

[whichwayisup]

(I have really bad arthritis and fibromyalgia, among other things). I have a part time job, but I can't hold down a full time job or earn enough to support the kids. SO I quite literally can't leave my husband

 

OK, devils advocate here cuz this has to be said and yeah, it's abit harsh.

 

You're selfish. You have 3 special needs children, you're not well enough to work fulltime, yet somehow you think it's OK to cheat on your husband, fall inlove with someone else and HOPE that you can maintain your life as it is now? Your husband WILL be pissed off and rightfully so. Basically, you're using him for $$ reasons, to have him keep the lifestyle, your home, the comfort of it all so you can "BE" with someone else without him knowing. Swinging or no swinging, what you're doing now is WRONG. SOrry that he cheated on you in the past, before or during your marriage, but two wrongs do not make a right!

 

Just be prepared for ALL the consquences of your actions. Take responsibility for it ALL when he finds out about you and his "friend" J.

[MySugaree]

Carry on, and enjoy yourself.

 

Have fun!

[vyxxxn]

Well, most were just the responses that I expected. Sure, it's selfish of me to have an affair. Like I said - I already know that. But you know what? Why should I be the suffering wife and mother? Why should I wait for DH to come out of his depression and start treating me like a human being? Why is it that men can have an affair, be forgiven, and go back to their regular lives, but women can't? It's such a double standard.

 

Divorce is not an option, for either of us. Neither of us could live without the other. It's just a fact. I may entertain the occasional thought of leaving, but if I did actually leave, it wouldn't be for more than a week. I don't think I could go without seeing him for any longer than that. Even if he did find out about the affair, I think that he would be hurt of course...but there is an aspect of this that I think he would understand, and that is because we ARE swingers, and we do have sex with some of our friends. The part that would be the most hurtful would be my having not told him that I was having sex with J and not being honest about it, not the actual fact that I was having sex with someone else.

 

Neither of us are "normal". We are not like most other people. I know this affair of mine is not going to turn into a permanent relationship, other than the friendship that is already there. Yes, we're friends, and I love him. I love my female friends too, with a passion, but I don't sleep with them - but I do have friends that are female that I would do anything for, just because I love them that much. J and I just happen to have a little extra perk to our love and friendship, and that is that we are both able to satisfy each other sexually as well.

 

I love my husband. It's kinda difficult to explain. We dated for 10 years before marrying, and have been married almost 16 years. I'm not going anywhere, he's not going anywhere. We have an almost symbiotic relationship. We would literally die without the other. It's just a fact of life. I would say that he's my soulmate, but that has such weird connotations these days that I don't know if it really is applicable. But if you believe in that stuff then yes, he's my soulmate. But you know what? Even soulmates don't have it easy. You can be someone's soulmate and it's not all a bed of roses. You can hate them at times. You can be totally frustrated with them and wonder why you're together in the first place. The thing about soulmates is that you really CAN'T explain why you're together. You just are. And you always will be. It's just a fact. And you know that no matter what the other one does, you're not going anywhere. Partially because you don't have a choice - you can't live without them; and partially because you have loved them for so long that their essence is part of you. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

End comment: yes, affairs are selfish. I know. My DH has had several. They were selfish of him. He's human. I'm having an affair. Mostly because of the sex, yes, but at the same time I do love J; he's my friend and would continue to be my friend even if we stopped all sexual contact. We have both talked about this at length. Just like we have both talked about what would have happened if we had met before my DH and I met. Would J and I have made a good couple? Would we have made it together? I don't know. But I met my DH first, and that is who I'm with for life. "What if's" can be nice to contemplate, but they aren't reality. The reality of my situation is that my friend, J, whom I do love, provides me with friendship, love, and sex, in a way that supplements my life and keeps me sane.

 

I'm not trying to justify my relationship with J. Just stating the facts. So yeah, you may say I'm being selfish, pure and simple. But can you really find a single person on this planet who is NOT selfish at times? You have to do things for yourself now and then. If you do everything for everyone else, then you are not YOU. Everyone needs to do something for themselves. If you don't take care of your own needs, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

[Citizen Erased]

Well, most were just the responses that I expected. Sure, it's selfish of me to have an affair. Like I said - I already know that. But you know what? Why should I be the suffering wife and mother? Why should I wait for DH to come out of his depression and start treating me like a human being? Why is it that men can have an affair, be forgiven, and go back to their regular lives, but women can't? It's such a double standard.

 

YOU chose to forgive him because of his affair. This does not give you the right to make the generalisation that only men cheat and get away with it or forgiven. You can not call it a double standard just because you feel guilty and can dredge up something which you claim to be history. You have a horrible unhealthy relationship which is why you speak with such distaste despite his poor mental health.

 

Divorce is not an option, for either of us. Neither of us could live without the other. It's just a fact. I may entertain the occasional thought of leaving, but if I did actually leave, it wouldn't be for more than a week. I don't think I could go without seeing him for any longer than that. Even if he did find out about the affair, I think that he would be hurt of course...but there is an aspect of this that I think he would understand, and that is because we ARE swingers, and we do have sex with some of our friends. The part that would be the most hurtful would be my having not told him that I was having sex with J and not being honest about it, not the actual fact that I was having sex with someone else.

 

You are giving yourself excuses. You can live without each other, you are just stuck in a rut and are used to the lifestyle you lead. This does not mean you CANT leave, it is just you won't. He may be a bit more sympathetic because of the swinging and having cheated but this will make your relationship ten times worse. It will not get better. Trust on both sides is gone. Even if he doesn't mind the sexual part, you have lied and so trust is gone.

 

Neither of us are "normal". We are not like most other people. I know this affair of mine is not going to turn into a permanent relationship, other than the friendship that is already there. Yes, we're friends, and I love him. I love my female friends too, with a passion, but I don't sleep with them - but I do have friends that are female that I would do anything for, just because I love them that much. J and I just happen to have a little extra perk to our love and friendship, and that is that we are both able to satisfy each other sexually as well.

 

You are married. You should not NEED someone else to satisfy you out of the arrangements you and your husband have with each other. You know this is wrong because you have an emotional connection with this person, this is not like the people you swing with which is exactly why you have not told your husband.

I love my husband. It's kinda difficult to explain. We dated for 10 years before marrying, and have been married almost 16 years. I'm not going anywhere, he's not going anywhere. We have an almost symbiotic relationship. We would literally die without the other. It's just a fact of life. I would say that he's my soulmate, but that has such weird connotations these days that I don't know if it really is applicable. But if you believe in that stuff then yes, he's my soulmate. But you know what? Even soulmates don't have it easy. You can be someone's soulmate and it's not all a bed of roses. You can hate them at times. You can be totally frustrated with them and wonder why you're together in the first place. The thing about soulmates is that you really CAN'T explain why you're together. You just are. And you always will be. It's just a fact. And you know that no matter what the other one does, you're not going anywhere. Partially because you don't have a choice - you can't live without them; and partially because you have loved them for so long that their essence is part of you. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

You do still love your husband,I can tell from your words. However you seem to be co-dependant on each other and that is NOT good. You may think it is because you are so in love but its not. You are used to him being around, to the life you have with him. You seem to identify yourself as his partner and not as an individual. This is not healthy.

 

End comment: yes, affairs are selfish. I know. My DH has had several. They were selfish of him. He's human. I'm having an affair. Mostly because of the sex, yes, but at the same time I do love J; he's my friend and would continue to be my friend even if we stopped all sexual contact. We have both talked about this at length. Just like we have both talked about what would have happened if we had met before my DH and I met. Would J and I have made a good couple? Would we have made it together? I don't know. But I met my DH first, and that is who I'm with for life. "What if's" can be nice to contemplate, but they aren't reality. The reality of my situation is that my friend, J, whom I do love, provides me with friendship, love, and sex, in a way that supplements my life and keeps me sane.

 

Fact of the matter is if your husband does not fill your needs then you should not be with him because it is pointless. I admire that you are not as quick to jump on the idea of divorce as most couples do these days, but you do not WANT to work out your relationship with your husband. How long will J be around for? 10, 20 years? Perhaps, but most probably not. And then someone else will take his place and so on. Because you are not happy in your marriage and you will not attempt to work them out. Your view is affected because of your H previous affairs and you use them to convince yourself that what you are doing is right. I am not saying it is wrong or right, but one day you will wake up and regret the fact that you did not grow some balls and leave the situation you are unhappy with. Can you imagine doing this for another say 50 years?

 

I'm not trying to justify my relationship with J. Just stating the facts. So yeah, you may say I'm being selfish, pure and simple. But can you really find a single person on this planet who is NOT selfish at times? You have to do things for yourself now and then. If you do everything for everyone else, then you are not YOU. Everyone needs to do something for themselves. If you don't take care of your own needs, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

 

You are right, human beings as a whole are a selfish race. That doesn't mean you should stay with J because other people do it. Because to some people being selfish means taking the last <a style='text-decoration: none; border-bottom: 3px double;' href="http://www.serverlogic3.com/lm/rtl3.asp?si=22&k=ice%20cream" onmouseover="window.status='ice-cream'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">ice-cream</a>, not going outside your marriage for sexual or emotional satisfaction without your partners knowledge or consent. You do not marry someone and use their affairs as a reason to have your own. You realise you have unresolved issues and you need to work on your relationship so you dont need to go to someone else for satisfaction. If you cant then you should not be married.

 

I am sorry if you have been offended by anything I have said, just trying to help. Just my two cents.

[MySugaree]

I'm not trying to justify my relationship with J. Just stating the facts. So yeah, you may say I'm being selfish, pure and simple. But can you really find a single person on this planet who is NOT selfish at times? You have to do things for yourself now and then. If you do everything for everyone else, then you are not YOU. Everyone needs to do something for themselves. If you don't take care of your own needs, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

 

 

Your situation is different. You and your husband are both middle aged, and both have a history of swinging. You want to have your Affair, maintain your relationship with your spouse and keep your family intact. Given your biographies, you just might succeed.

 

I do not, and cannot, condemn your choices. There are greater goods than "Marriage" and "Fidelity" and "Absolute Honesty". Message Boards revel in abstractions; life does not.

 

If you truly believe that your Affair will make you, at the end, a happier and therefore better lover, mother, wife, woman and human being--by however you (not us) define these states, then go for it. These are your needs, not ours.

 

You know the risks.

[whichwayisup]

Then why not tell him about J. You know about his affairs, let HIM know about yours. If you continue with J, (and you can justify it all you want in your head that "One day you'll stop sleeping with him and just friends all you want, but that's crap! Whatever it is between you two will continue to grow, UNTIL you two get caught) your marriage will go down the toilet. The feelings you have for your husband will be replaced for what you feel for J. It's only a matter of time before you stop having sex with your husband, you won't feel intimacy nor will you want to......

 

I just think you owe your husband the truth. It's obviously your decision in telling him, but imagine how he's going to feel when he finds out on his own...

[ThumbingMyWay]

that make me think just how diverse this human species is....

 

I simply could not imagine being in this type of situation or life style.

 

Way too much stress and drama...but to each there own....

 

the more I read here the more I think my view of life is becoming more of a minority everday....

 

 

my only advice, is DONT DISMISS the depression your H might be in....that is playing a HUGE factor in his demeanor.....help him concor the depression and maybe you will get your old hubby back.

 

good luck with your situation.

[lorr]

I agree with you when you say you are not normal. It seems to be excuses after excuses in your case. Your life is one big drama and headache after the other. I mean bloody hell SWINGING.....

 

As far as I'm concerned you and your husband were not fit enough to even consider marriage, and both of you make a mockery of the whole institution of marriage. I hope for both your sakes you split up.

[Sand&Water]

Reply:

 

I'm not going anywhere, he's not going anywhere.

 

Perfect. Continue to have all the wild fun in life. You and your husband are bound together -nothing can stop you.

 

It is people who are involved in affairs that begin to feel the effects of dissolution. To dissolve into a matter of uncontrollable denial and desperation.

 

Life in this fashion: Is like a yarn ball, intertwined a million ways, without a beginning in sight and an end in foresight. The pressure builds, and complexity increases -until, to imaginably, realize there is no more Vyxxxn.

 

You may be on the verge of, if not already, losing those closest to you.

 

Good Luck,

Sand&Water

[IslandGirl73]

I am in the same position u r in, except i didn't go as far as infidelity since i didn't sleep with OM...that being said, if u see my story from the beginning, u will know that i can completely relate to your plight.

 

this is the first for me too in my 10 yrs of marriage to stray on the outside and believe me it sucks. esp. since my OM called it off abruptly last week for fear of my H and family being broken up...

 

i am currently now coming to terms on how to deal with it since i obviously did not want it to end that way. all i can say is, after much soul searching, the others here are right...its unfair to disrespect the marriage arrangement while fullfilling your needs elsewhere. i know its the truth, u know its the truth, it just hurts like hell to try and accept it...esp when u want the OM so bad like I do, more than i can say....good luck on doing what's right for you and your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

my only advice, is DONT DISMISS the depression your H might be in....that is playing a HUGE factor in his demeanor.....help him concor the depression and maybe you will get your old hubby back.

 

Excellent point Thumbs.

 

If your husband is suffering from depression you NEED to support him through it. He needs counselling and possibly meds. Don't abandon him now, maybe focus MORE on him and his needs rather than the OM.....If the situation was reversed, I think you'd want your husbands love and support. Depression is a difficult, more than you know.

[vyxxxn]

I'm not abandoning my DH...he refuses to see a doctor and get treatement for his depression. He has been treated for depression before, took meds, and they helped. But now he is refusing to even see a doc or entertain the possibility of getting meds. He is not seeing how his behavior is affecting me and the kids. I have tried to help, for quite awhile now. What can you do when someone refuses to help themselves? I know all about dealing with depression. I deal with it. I'm on meds. (no couch jumping here, lol)

 

I just want my DH to be happy again. To talk to me, like I'm human, to be in a good mood, to make love to me again. He is the most fantastic lover, EVER. One of the things about swinging I have found is that while doing other people is fun - it makes me appreciate what I have at home all the more. Except I DON'T have that at home right now, hence the affair/friendship/whatever you want to call it. I'm totally serious when I say my DH is THE BEST. EVER. Drives (or drove) me crazy, even after 25 years of being together. THAT is what I want back. But he won't get the help. I don't know what else to do.

[whichwayisup]

I'm not abandoning my DH...he refuses to see a doctor and get treatement for his depression. He has been treated for depression before, took meds, and they helped. But now he is refusing to even see a doc or entertain the possibility of getting meds. He is not seeing how his behavior is affecting me and the kids. I have tried to help, for quite awhile now. What can you do when someone refuses to help themselves? I know all about dealing with depression. I deal with it. I'm on meds. (no couch jumping here, lol)

 

He is scared. And yes I know it's hard on you and the kids, (google depression fallout, that might help you too)

 

All you can do is support him, love him and let him know that the sooner he gets help again, the sooner he'll feel better. Involve his family too, parents, bro's/sis's etc...Maybe they can help convince him to go see a therapist again.

 

I just want my DH to be happy again. To talk to me, like I'm human, to be in a good mood, to make love to me again. He is the most fantastic lover, EVER. One of the things about swinging I have found is that while doing other people is fun - it makes me appreciate what I have at home all the more. Except I DON'T have that at home right now, hence the affair/friendship/whatever you want to call it. I'm totally serious when I say my DH is THE BEST. EVER. Drives (or drove) me crazy, even after 25 years of being together. THAT is what I want back. But he won't get the help. I don't know what else to do.

 

This is probably why you're allowing yourself to fall into the arms of another man. He is giving you something your husband can't right now... So, my suggestion again is, SLOW it down, take a break from swinging, and the OM. Focus on your own life, your husband and kids... There's more to life than just fun and sex...Fun and sex isn't gonna be there for you when YOU go through real rough times...Your husband will though, as well as your children, family and friends. I'm glad that you appreciate what you have - Remember that when you're with your OM....

[JackJack]

Divorce is not an option, for either of us. Neither of us could live without the other. It's just a fact.

 

Then you both have created your own hell for yourselves. If you don't think this to be true, then you need not to complain about any of it.

 

Offer your hubby to get some help and be supportive Both of you might benefit from some kind of counseling. Its really all you can do. If he doesn't want help then maybe once he hits rock bottom he will then see.

[Sup]

Well, most were just the responses that I expected. Sure, it's selfish of me to have an affair. Like I said - I already know that. But you know what? Why should I be the suffering wife and mother? Why should I wait for DH to come out of his depression and start treating me like a human being? Why is it that men can have an affair, be forgiven, and go back to their regular lives, but women can't? It's such a double standard.

 

Divorce is not an option, for either of us. Neither of us could live without the other. It's just a fact. I may entertain the occasional thought of leaving, but if I did actually leave, it wouldn't be for more than a week. I don't think I could go without seeing him for any longer than that. Even if he did find out about the affair, I think that he would be hurt of course...but there is an aspect of this that I think he would understand, and that is because we ARE swingers, and we do have sex with some of our friends. The part that would be the most hurtful would be my having not told him that I was having sex with J and not being honest about it, not the actual fact that I was having sex with someone else.

 

Neither of us are "normal". We are not like most other people. I know this affair of mine is not going to turn into a permanent relationship, other than the friendship that is already there. Yes, we're friends, and I love him. I love my female friends too, with a passion, but I don't sleep with them - but I do have friends that are female that I would do anything for, just because I love them that much. J and I just happen to have a little extra perk to our love and friendship, and that is that we are both able to satisfy each other sexually as well.

 

I love my husband. It's kinda difficult to explain. We dated for 10 years before marrying, and have been married almost 16 years. I'm not going anywhere, he's not going anywhere. We have an almost symbiotic relationship. We would literally die without the other. It's just a fact of life. I would say that he's my soulmate, but that has such weird connotations these days that I don't know if it really is applicable. But if you believe in that stuff then yes, he's my soulmate. But you know what? Even soulmates don't have it easy. You can be someone's soulmate and it's not all a bed of roses. You can hate them at times. You can be totally frustrated with them and wonder why you're together in the first place. The thing about soulmates is that you really CAN'T explain why you're together. You just are. And you always will be. It's just a fact. And you know that no matter what the other one does, you're not going anywhere. Partially because you don't have a choice - you can't live without them; and partially because you have loved them for so long that their essence is part of you. I don't know how else to explain it.

 

End comment: yes, affairs are selfish. I know. My DH has had several. They were selfish of him. He's human. I'm having an affair. Mostly because of the sex, yes, but at the same time I do love J; he's my friend and would continue to be my friend even if we stopped all sexual contact. We have both talked about this at length. Just like we have both talked about what would have happened if we had met before my DH and I met. Would J and I have made a good couple? Would we have made it together? I don't know. But I met my DH first, and that is who I'm with for life. "What if's" can be nice to contemplate, but they aren't reality. The reality of my situation is that my friend, J, whom I do love, provides me with friendship, love, and sex, in a way that supplements my life and keeps me sane.

 

I'm not trying to justify my relationship with J. Just stating the facts. So yeah, you may say I'm being selfish, pure and simple. But can you really find a single person on this planet who is NOT selfish at times? You have to do things for yourself now and then. If you do everything for everyone else, then you are not YOU. Everyone needs to do something for themselves. If you don't take care of your own needs, how can you possibly take care of anyone else?

 

 

BULLCRAP! Now you're just trying to justify it. What happens when hubby comes home and finds you riding another man? How can you explain that?

[Salicious Crumb]

Thanks for letting me go on and get this off my chest.

Ok..so you got it off your chest...you feel any better about yourself and what you are?

 

BULLCRAP! Now you're just trying to justify it. What happens when hubby comes home and finds you riding another man? How can you explain that?

 

Oh do be careful here Sup....I was reprimanded by one of the admins who defended this...I guess you could call her..."woman".

I guess I told just a little too much truth and that upsets people...even those people who don't care about the kind of pain and betrayal this cheater is dishing out.

 

Especially when its obvious she has no remorse about what she is doing. She just wants to try to offload some guilt.

 

And she says she wants here husband to be happy again and not depressed? Well she has a funny way of trying to help him achieve that goal by boning other men and saying she is in love with someone else.

[vyxxxn]

I came here for support and perhaps some HELPFUL suggestions and I get put down, called names and pointed at as being the worst person in the world.

 

So what about all of you other folks out there who have cheated or are cheating - what makes me so much worse than all of you? Because I'm TRUTHFUL about it? And yes TRUTHFUL is what I am being. My husband KNOWS. I told him. Know what? He doesn't care. And he says it's ok as long as I don't ever leave him. At least that is what he's saying right now. So. It's out in the open.

 

I hope you are all having fun feeling so superior to me and putting me down.

[whichwayisup]

You told your husband that you're having sex with someone else and you're inlove with that other guy? Well, his depression must be taking over because I don't know that many people (men or women) who would let their spouse still have sex with someone else when alot of feelings are involved. Your husband is a special person because of that. I hope you're as understanding one day if he falls for another woman, has sex with her, then tells you he loves her as well but doesn't want you to leave him.......

 

I am sorry that you feel some have ganged up on you.

 

Good luck.

[LucreziaBorgia]

My husband KNOWS. I told him. Know what? He doesn't care. And he says it's ok as long as I don't ever leave him. At least that is what he's saying right now.

 

I'm sure he does care, very much - but his depression is making it impossible to stand up for himself and say "NO" to you. I went through this very same thing. Years of untreated depression. My H came to me and told me he was unhappy and wanted to see other women, and you know what I did? I told him it was ok, as long as he didn't leave me. I condoned it, because I was too depressed to stand up for what I really wanted out of a crippling fear that he would leave me if I put my foot down. I buried what I really felt about it for a while. I even had myself fooled into thinking it was ok. He dated and inside I died.

 

Eventually, I did do something about the depression. I came right out of that fog, and while H and I are still friends and parenting partners - we are divorcing now. I met someone who showed me what happiness could truly be like, and I moved on with my life.

 

I only hope that your H will one day be able to do the same. Depression is a horrible thing, and let me tell you this: it doesn't get better when your spouse goes out and f*cks other people, regardless of how "ok" they tell you they are with it. Every day you do this, you kill him more inside.

[Karma24]

Just an observation...

 

You started out your post by saying that your husband has changed in the last year since starting a new job and this lead to your affair. BUT you met this guy 18 months ago...six months before your H started his job. It seems as this is just a convenient excuse when in reality your H starting his job had nothing to do with it. Something to think about...

[crazy_grl]

One thing I want to know is why you have an open marriage. You said your husband cheated a lot before it was open. Did you agree to the open marriage because you thought that was the only way you could keep your husband?

 

Why did you stay with a man who cheated on you multiple times? Those are not the actions of someone with self-respect.

 

The one thing I can't understand is that you could have easily had permission to sleep with this J guy all you wanted. All you had to do is ask. Why didn't you? That's not rhetorical. I'm seriously asking.

 

Did you tell your husband you have feelings for this guy? If you didn't you, really haven't come clean to him.

 

Also, sorry you feel ganged up on, but I don't think you're getting any worse treatment than any other cheaters.

[MySugaree]

I came here for support and perhaps some HELPFUL suggestions and I get put down, called names and pointed at as being the worst person in the world.

 

So what about all of you other folks out there who have cheated or are cheating - what makes me so much worse than all of you? Because I'm TRUTHFUL about it? And yes TRUTHFUL is what I am being. My husband KNOWS. I told him. Know what? He doesn't care. And he says it's ok as long as I don't ever leave him. At least that is what he's saying right now. So. It's out in the open.

 

I hope you are all having fun feeling so superior to me and putting me down.

 

I was one of the very few who did not pile on. I anticipated that your husband would consent given your history of swinging. I'm not surprised with his response.

 

Nor am I surprised by the message board mugging you've received. The one thing most Shackers despise more than cheaters is the unrepentant female cheater. These ladies get lynched as a matter of course.

 

Carry on your love affair. Have great (safe) sex and trade in the keyboard for the bed.