IslandGirl73 Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 ok, so I know I said I've been trying strictly no contact with OM to focus on my marriage...even though he still speaks to me in passing and even took upon himself to sit with me at lunch 2 days ago...so today I see him in the break room and thought to myself, I'd be cordial and return the gesture. so off i go over to him and greet him with a warm hello and handshake:eek: he smiled at me this huge smile. and so I take it as a positive sign and proceed to initiate small talk with him, asked him how's school going, and how he likes it, tell him i've been to the same college but then went on to a technical school, so on and so forth...and then during this small talk, he instantly changes his demeanor, starts to look around side to side, then looks back at me, then looks down at his book and looks back up at me, then looks around again, and the whole time being short and curt with his responses and is very hesitant. i ask him what's wrong, am i making him nervous? i mean afterall, just 2 days before, he came to me and sat and started conversing with me i wasn't trying to pursue anything really-just trying to return his gesture and get back on a positive note with him but then when i do, i get this kind of reaction???!!! so now i'm mystified at this point. so then i excuse myself and tell him bye and then i thought of one last thing I had been wondering and that was if he was left or right handed...so when i asked, at first he took a minute but then finally said, "i'm right handed" and smiled... needless to say, our small talk wasn't of anything significant. but was wondering about his demeanor with me...so then i emailed him (the 1st one in over a week) and asked "did I make u feel uncomfortable in any way cuz u seemed a bit distant when we were chatting." and i got the read receipt when he read my email but he never responded back. and when i got home about 2 hours later i went online and checked my email again and he still hadn't responded...so now i'm really confused cuz after all, i just want to get things back on a positive note to show there's no hard feelings on my end... i just don't get it...why is it that when I've been @ strictly no contact, he's been initiating it with me here and there thru out the week and even sat with me during his lunch and conversed with me all on his own and then when I attempt to return the gesture 3 days later, I get an almost cold reaction when i tried to carry on a very cordial conversation? nothing more, nothing less...and then why no response to my email asking if i made him feel uncomfortable? i am trying really hard to do the right thing but it seems as if i take a step backwards every time....anybody, any insight or experience with this kind of behavior?
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2007 Posted January 25, 2007 You are a married woman, he knows this. You're saying one thing and doing another - TO HIM maybe, you're playing a game. Leave him alone! It doesn't matter what he thinks/feels about you because you're MARRIED. He is showing you IN ACTION that he isn't interested in pursuing anything. Another thing about men, (most men anyway) they don't like drama...So you emailing and asking him if he's okay, if you said too much, or made him feel uncomfortable because he acted a certain way - HE IS NOT going to reply to an email like that. For many reasons. Maybe he doesn't care enough to, or if he does, what is he going to say? Bottomline, ONCE AGAIN, you're married. He knows it, you know it, we all know it... I also think you're reading way too much into him, his reactions, what he says, how he says it. IT DOESN'T matter.... Forget him, please. Make yourself stop thinking of him, everytime he drifts into your head, distract yourself. Seems you are not making ANY effort to stop your feelings/sexual attraction for him. Think of your husband. I asked you on your other thread, how would you feel if your husband was lusting after another woman, like you are with this OM?
norajane Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 I don't think you have any idea what strict NC is. It means NO contact. If he says hello in the hall, you just nod and move on. If he sits next to you at lunch, you quickly finish up and leave. NC means you do not, under any circumstances at all, intitiate contact, like going to sit with him at lunch. It means sending him NO email unless it is work related. It means ignoring him. It means doing absolutely no talking to him unless it is required for work. Period. If you aren't careful, he could slap a sexual harassment suit on you. Leave him alone. I don't see that you are doing NC at all. I see that you are trying to have as much contact as possible, to the point of seeking it out. And you are by no means working on your marriage. You haven't even mentioned your husband or your marriage.
movinon05 Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 No offense, but I think you're getting on his nerves. He says hi because he wants to be nice. He doesn't want to hurt your feelings, so he's not responding. Let it gooooooooo.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 folks, why the suggestion of harsh treatment to the OM when afterall, he did mention we could be friends, is there anything wrong in at least that much? and how could i be getting on his nerves when i haven't even bothered with him all week and why am i the one in the wrong when he chose to come and sit and talk with me for lunch? the replies here doesn't explain that part of it all....so now i'm still back to square one trying to figure this all out....
GreenEyedLady Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 folks, why the suggestion of harsh treatment to the OM when afterall, he did mention we could be friends, is there anything wrong in at least that much? and how could i be getting on his nerves when i haven't even bothered with him all week and why am i the one in the wrong when he chose to come and sit and talk with me for lunch? the replies here doesn't explain that part of it all....so now i'm still back to square one trying to figure this all out.... Who knows why men do the things they do...it's a mystery to me... It could be anything...maybe he likes to be the one calling the shots...maybe he is anxious that your H will find out and kick his a** (sorry I don't remember if your H did find out)...maybe he thinks that you are doing one thing and saying another... But no contact generally means no contact whatsoever because when there is contact, you usually fall back in it...no judgment here, just saying... Sorry it's so hard...if you really want to make your M work, you probably shouldn't think about it too much and go the NC at all route...but it's up to you...
whichwayisup Posted January 26, 2007 Posted January 26, 2007 folks, why the suggestion of harsh treatment to the OM when afterall, he did mention we could be friends, is there anything wrong in at least that much? You can't be friends with him. The feelings, lust, sexual attraction, your crush. ALL OF IT isn't good for your marriage. By being friends with him, he'll have your heart, and your heart SHOULD be just for your husband. and how could i be getting on his nerves when i haven't even bothered with him all week You know you freaked him out cuz of your behaviour last week. One (kind of) week of NC isn't going to change that. He's being pleasent, friends but meaning it like "hey, how's it going..." and then that's it. You can't BE friends. and why am i the one in the wrong when he chose to come and sit and talk with me for lunch? the replies here doesn't explain that part of it all....so now i'm still back to square one trying to figure this all out.... FRIENDS. It doesn't mean anything. DO you doubt the motives of your friends? Probably not, because you know they're "Just" friends. With the OM, there's MORE intent there. He makes you FEEL and that's not healthy for your marriage. Geez, once again, you are just HELL BENT on focussing on the OM. Not a word about your hubby, or what I keep asking you! You're ignoring me and what I am saying!! I asked you (now for the third time) HOW would YOU feel if your husband was lusting after another woman, like you're lusting after this OM. Can you answer that, please? IF you can't then you're worse off than you think. Another thing, doing NC also means going out of your way NOT to see him/talk to him. It also means you don't think about him 24/7 and feed your obsession.
Author IslandGirl73 Posted January 26, 2007 Author Posted January 26, 2007 yes, whichwayisup, i've been going out of my way all week to avoid him but he seems to keep finding me so i'm trying, believe me i'm trying. as for your question, the reason why i haven't answered it is cuz at this point and how i'm feeling, how could u expect another woman on dh's mind would even matter to me-i know its not the right thing to say and i wish like hell i didn't feel this way, but i do. if there was another woman on dh's mind, right now, i don't think i'd be concerned cuz of the plight that i'm in.....i'd probably tell him at that point that we should just seperate till we both figure out if we still want our marriage or not.... like i said in my other replies to you, i know that what u're saying is right. so u don't think OM's actions indicate he's running games on me or trying to play hard to get? if so, i think i'm falling into the trap but i know i've got to dig my way out FAST if i'm gonna make it thru this successfully...
Recommended Posts