bklk1227 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 My wife and I are getting along well... putting on a good show I guess. She still wants a divorce even though she claims to have ended her emotional affair(not sure I am buying that one... I think she "put it on hold")... The constant referrals to divorce and separation do cause tension in the house so we have agreed that I will stay with a friend until she finds an apt. That is a little complicated because my best friend has been dating her sister for the last 2 years but we all get along very well so hopefully they will not be casualties of this. We took the step of telling my 10 y/o last weekend and she was devastated. That really was hard for me since I am willing to work on this marriage and did not want to ever have to put the thought of divorce in my daughter's head. The poor thing is so scared and confused. I am very close with my children and very involved in their lives that it makes it all so difficult. The whole situation has me questioning my approach to marriage and relationships. The A has made her rewrite the history of our relationship to which the theme is a history of emotional abuse. I've been working on this with my therapist and while I admit that I "fight dirty" most of the definition of emotional abuse doesn't apply to the way I treated my wife. As a matter of fact - I was more emotionally supportive than abusive. She has claimed no responsibility for the demise of this marriage at this point. My plan is to totally cut my wife off once I am out of the house. My last night in the house will be Thursday. I will return every other weekend to spend those with my children while my wife stays out. This has all been worked out through an agreement written by my attorney. My wife has yet to retain an attorney. So I guess my further updates with be on the "Separation & Divorce" board. Thanks again to everyone who has given me direction and advice here. This is a great community and a excellent resource for people in any stage of a relationship good or bad. B Link to post Share on other sites
azera Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 sorry to hear that your wife doesn't want to save your marriage. I hope everything works out for u. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Sorry to hear that B. It is possible once things are actually in motion and she gets a taste of life without you in it, all the little things that she has forgotten about will be noticed big time - I said it before, i'll say it again - Until she feels the consquences of her actions, that is when change will happen. Question is, IF she wakes up in time, are you willing to give her a chance to make it up to you? I really hope that she does wake up before it's too late. Love your kids, be there for them (I know I don't have to tell ya that though) and take care of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladyjane14 Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 This has all been worked out through an agreement written by my attorney. I hope you've got a sharp attorney and s/he's got all the bases covered. Make sure you give this agreement a thorough 'going over' and that it covers ALL of your needs. You may have to live with it for a long time until settlement is reached. For example, does it keep the OM out of your family home? Does it establish that YOU vacating the premises for the time being does not in any way concede your interests in the family home or in primary or joint custody of the children? My concern is that you'll end up establishing a precedent and that you'll run into a problem later. Oftentimes, when things are otherwise kicking along pretty good for the kids, a person needs to show a 'change in circumstances' before the court will order any changes to what's already been established as a workable solution. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 My plan is to totally cut my wife off once I am out of the house. My last night in the house will be Thursday. I will return every other weekend to spend those with my children while my wife stays out. This has all been worked out through an agreement written by my attorney. My wife has yet to retain an attorney. Wow, your post brings back vivid memories of seeing my 4-year old son in the rear-view mirror of my car watching me drive away the day I moved out 20+ years ago. Toughest thing I ever did...but also the best thing I ever did. So as a survivor, here's a couple of pieces of advice - 1). Understand that your wife and child are going to be bound together financially. Parts of that arrangement will make you crazy, but it is what it is. 2). Understand that both your life and your wife's life will go on. If it's not this OM, there will be another OM. And an OW. Be willing to give as much slack as you ask for under those circumstances. 3). Take at least a long "short term" outlook on things. Try and think about how the actions and decisions will affect you next week and next month. Avoid impulsive decisions as they are ofter based on emotion rather than reason. The good news for me was that I subsequently remarried and have a good relationship and 3 more wonderful kids. My then 4-year old son is now a happy, well-adjusted 27 year-old man with much love for (and from) his Mom, Stepmom and siblings. And, weirdly enough, my ex-wife and I turned out to be better "exs" than we were spouses. We cooperatively raised our son and had few problems doing so. In fact, she never remarried and kept our last name - made for some interesting parent/teacher conferences with two "Mrs. Lucky"s there. There are brighter days ahead. Good luck on your journey. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author bklk1227 Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 LJ - My attorney is definitely sharp and actually a friend so he has my interests in mind. The agreement is in place for this stage of the separation. My wife and I will be going to a mediator to sort out the support, custody, etc... which will cover us when she moves out into her own place. Mr. Lucky - thanks for a great story with a positive outcome. I hope my family - especially my girls - get through this with a few wounds and not too many scars. Tomorrow night is my last night in the house. At that point I won't see my kids until the following weekend and I will try to keep contact with my wife to an absolute minimum. That will be the hardest part. Thanks again all... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 I feel sad for you, the whole situation just stinks. It makes me wanna give your wife a little bop in the head and shake her - Tell her WTF is your problem! WAKE UP and SEE WTF you're doing to your husband and your children, stop being so SELFISH!!!!!!!!!! Call your kids, even though you won't see them, speak to them on the phone. Hang in there kiddo. And post here as much as you need to. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 25, 2007 Share Posted January 25, 2007 Tomorrow night is my last night in the house. At that point I won't see my kids until the following weekend and I will try to keep contact with my wife to an absolute minimum. That will be the hardest part. Thanks again all... Why go the entire week without seeing your kids? You need them, they need you, so why not see them after school or at night on neutral ground? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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