Why would my EX contact me to tell she is engaged?

[Am4Real]

I’m hoping to gain some insight from those that are experienced with something like this occurring or from one of the established and distinguished members. I’m sure one of the obvious retorts after reading several posts is to move on with life; which I am, however the circumstances that I will express unfortunately bring me to a time of the past and even if this is a temporary state, it is somewhat hard to deal with.

 

I’ll try to keep the story as short as possible with some background information and facts relative to my question about being contacted by her. I know it’s easy to get caught up in the drama of a situation and certainly the emotional factors at play. Perhaps I can express myself in a matter-of-fact demeanor. Here goes…

 

I was in a long-distance international relationship for about four years. I met this woman while waiting for an airplane, a chance sort of first acquaintance. She pursued me with vigor that day and honestly there was a lot of chemistry. We saw each other very often in out time together and made plans for the future in an open-date sort of arrangement. Our relationship, however, began under unfortunate personal circumstances for her. Her Mother was battling cancer and as my g/f is the youngest in the family, she also unexpectedly ended up with the burden of being the family matriarch throughout this ordeal. Until the death of her Mother a little more than a year after she me met, she was an emotional roller-coaster. Not at me but in my presence. I was her life line support during her battle to save a loved one. I was suspicious of me being somewhat of her emotional dependency, meaning I was her foundation for keeping her up and running during tough family times; all the while she poured every ounce of love she had on me. I knew it was not a good time to suggest any date for our future until this situation had either settled or her Mother passed. Her mother did pass away and I was there for her and her family. Within months her Father had a stroke, became debilitated and the process of her role as the family matriarch began again, so did my concerns with being an emotional foundation for her. This time the eventual passing of her Father took nearly two years. It was pure hell.

 

After these events, she was ready to immediately move on and be with me. I was suspicious not of her intent but did we really know each other or were we in love more so based on our mutual support for each other during these passing times of crisis. I know this draws a fine line in validating a relationship, but it is concerning if we are moving towards marriage. We took a break from each other (my idea). We were apart for nearly three months with limited to no communication. I know bad behavior on me. After that time I made up my mind to commit to her and called – no answer – called again and after several no answers I left a detailed non-dramatic message. I never heard back from her and a second message did not bring any response either. My conclusion, she moved on. I may have been right all along about us or our break was too long.

 

This past December I was contacted by her (fourteen weeks since my commitment message was left). She let me know she was engaged, to an American (again and I know what you're thinking) and she was dropping everything from her international location and moving to the US to be with him in a few weeks and marry as soon as possible. I congratulated her, wished her well, and of course spoke for a long time about the past in a generic sort of way. All seemed pretty normal until she began crying, told me how much she missed me, she still has love for me, blah, blah, blah… Wow! In the course of our conversation I learned she was engaged in only 12 weeks from meeting this gent and all of us know, in an international relationship you couldn’t even muster twelve dates in that time. Interesting (real love or rebound crossed my mind). Bottom line, there have been two more calls between us (one lasting five hours), both were at my instigation and driven by my question of why she did not respond to my commitment. She claims the message was never received and if I sent it I should have never quit trying. In the end she is proceeding with her engagement, of course she couldn’t resist the comparison of the new man and me with him being better in “loving and cherishing ways”. It did bruise the ego a little by the way, no a lot! However, with all this being said I am of course in retreat to much like the state I was when my commitment message was not responded to. I still wonder why the heck she called me, told me she still loved me and missed me VERY VERY much, then moved on with the engagement plans…is she too embarrassed to call it quits with her plans or is this a mind game. Yes, I shouldn’t care all that much and the recovery of my emotions and my ego this time around is no where as bad as last time, but interestingly enough in our last call I asked and pressed for an answer to “why did you bother to let me know if you’re so happy”? The response: “I don’t know”. Or she wouldn't answer. I did suggest reconciliation -- it was declined so now I can rest with knowing I layed it all out on the table, but her actions remain a mystery, a miserable sort of cruel punishment for me I suppose.

 

Go figure.

[amaysngrace]

She did it to rub it in your face. So that you would be upset.

 

My exH did it to me too when he met 'the woman of his dreams' when I was divorcing him.

 

Think about it. Aren't you glad she's gone? Aren't you glad she's going to treat someone else badly now?

 

She did this to you and it was mean and malicious. That really says a lot about the person that she is.

 

She's the dig-in get even type. Feel bad for the guy she's with now. Cause she's got problems IMO.

[tinktronik]

The last poster is right . She did it because she wanted to rub it in your face . Hey; your most likely better off without her . Don't let it get to you . Really with the kind of mind set she had toward her R with you how long do you really expect any of her R to last?

[LakesideDream]

Kinda weak post eh? You knew why she did it immediately.

 

She's rubbing it in.

 

What did you expect?

[Guest]

Kinda weak post eh? You knew why she did it immediately.

 

She's rubbing it in.

 

What did you expect?

 

 

Hello Lakeside,

 

Yes, the rubbing in is quite obvious, however, my question was more derived from the purpose or reasons for still declaring love, missing me, and more, blah, blah, blah, in such a profound way. I would think one might want to “rub it in” if that immaturity made the person feel better somehow, but it gets a little hard to accept that an unplanned and seemingly unscripted call would unleash such expressions of intense feelings.

 

I suppose my ego had me think she wants to tell me so that I tell her something profound back. I did. Now she has closure. So I guess what I may be asking was it this closure she so desired? How about she may be worried about this new relationship being a big rebound. Certainly being officially engaged in twelve weeks had discussion about the subject long before that? Anyway, this is the type of insight I hoped to uncover from those experienced with anything similar. Your thoughts?

 

BTW, was the comment about “weak post” meant as an insult? I’m not sure I understand what you meant.

 

Am4Real

[Am4Real]

Yes, the rubbing in is quite obvious, however, my question was more derived from the purpose or reasons for still declaring love, missing me, and more, blah, blah, blah, in such a profound way. I would think one might want to “rub it in” if that immaturity made the person feel better somehow, but it gets a little hard to accept that an unplanned and seemingly unscripted call would unleash such expressions of intense feelings.

 

I suppose my ego had me think she wants to tell me so that I tell her something profound back. I did. Now she has closure. So I guess what I may be asking was it this closure she so desired? How about she may be worried about this new relationship being a big rebound. Certainly being officially engaged in twelve weeks had discussion about the subject long before that? Anyway, this is the type of insight I hoped to uncover from those experienced with anything similar. Your thoughts?

 

BTW, was the comment about “weak post” meant as an insult? I’m not sure I understand what you meant.

 

Am4Real

[riobikini]

I read the first post in your thread -the others I didn't even look at.

 

My take on it:

 

I agree that your chance first meeting at the airport didn't give a clue to what emotionally stressful times the two of you were about to encounter.

 

I also believe it didn't give you either the circumstances, nor the time required to learn and know about each other the way most couples meet and fall in love -specifically, without the ordeal of someone very close slowly dying.

 

Neither one of you were in a position to see the *real* person each of you were.

 

And I think you are right -an emotional vacuum *was* created by those events- but it's still not to say that there were no true feelings of commitment and love between you.

 

It seems, to me, that *you* may be the only one who realizes that.

 

Again, I think you are correct in that your girlfriend may be acting on rebound emotions in regards to the other fellow.

 

I think she *needs* help -professional help- to get through this phase of her life -and -no- I don't think she's "nuts".

 

I think she's lived for so long balancing on this emotional tightrope while in a relationship, that it may be so familiar to her that it's the only way she knows how to live.

 

That would account for latching onto the new guy: she's compensating for the trauma, the drama, and the let-down effect of not having those incredibly active emotions which she had with you during her crisis periods.

 

Not having those roller-coaster emotions suddenly left her "empty" -she's *used* to them, and then circumstances change -and they're simply not there, anymore.

 

But then -add the shock of your announcement to take some time off from the relationship.

 

The rollercoaster rocks and sways a little -the realization that you've left her suddenly hits her- and she's off again.

 

With the new fellow to console those hurt feelings.

 

Actually, she was probably devastated.

 

The "quick-fix" was the new guy.

 

Now, you appear with information stating you attempted contact.

 

She's ambivalent to say the least -she thought you simply *didn't care*.

 

She's prepared to keep riding the rollercoaster pattern of compensating emotions with the new fellow -and suddenly you're back in the picture telling her that you *want* her, you *love* her, and that you want a *life* with her.

 

She's blown apart by it all.

 

And as badly as she needs some kind of (professional) help in understanding how she wound up in this shape, and in these circumstances, in the first place -she'll probably, just keep operating on *emotion* indefinately.

 

Until there's a "mechanical" problem with the "rollercoaster".

 

It's *her* life -you contributed both good and bad to it- but the core problem is, ultimately, out of your hands.

 

Now that she has the information that you did (at least) *try* to contact her -let her alone to carve her own path.

 

Time is an essential factor in healing you both -but my personal view is that she needs much more than just time to correct certain patterns she's grown so familiar with.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Take care.

 

-Rio

[Am4Real]

Hi Rio,

 

Your comments were very dear to me; I am struggling as you have accurately garnered from my writing. Thank for the encouragmeent and the the logic in examining this dilema.

 

Having to let someone go...is very difficult. I continue to struggle.

 

Am4Real

[riobikini]

A struggle you will -eventually- win.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

[Am4Real]

Hi Rio,

 

Do you believe in the power of control or the need to be in control? I’m asking because it is this “need to be in control” that I can only surmise is the logical reason for her feeling the urge to call me. Some of the other posters painted this act as somewhat sinister in nature, and maybe it was, but it didn’t seem that way during the call. I fret in someway over this because it was that call and what she said relevant to having feelings that opened up my wounds so deeply. I can’t go back; I shall not open communications but in the grieving and healing process I try to search for answers, for relevance, for peace I suppose.

 

Besides the words she spoke (as referenced in my original post) perhaps the most confusing of all was the second conversation after that. She started to say something, stopped herself, and then started again with “I shouldn’t be telling you this but I vision us together one day”. I didn’t respond except to say “I wouldn’t plan on that”, she said “I didn’t say I was planning it”.

 

All of it goes to what you describe as a very seriously mixed up person and it is in that realization I feel humbled and low. Sigh….in some ways I hope this was all about her needing to gain control; I could/can live with that notion, my pride and ego will never stand in the way of her or another partner’s peace, however, you can tell I sens there is another message buried in there somewhere that just isn’t ready to come out – now – or maybe never. Regardless, this struggle I hope to win, I will win (thanks again for the kind words of encouragement) is painful. I’ve said this before: it’s great to be alive even if occasionally it takes some emotional pain to remind you of it!!

 

With appreciation,

[highlight]Am4Real[/highlight]

[riobikini]

Am4Real, I can identify with breakup pain from my own experience -and no- it's not the *best* way to check and see if you're alive or not.

 

(Smile)

 

You have to keep going forward.

 

Thinking so much about the "shoulda's", and the "coulda's" will get you nowhere fast.

 

You've made the ammends with her that you could.

 

You've done what you should.

 

Now, it's time to move on.

 

Maybe babysteps -but nonetheless!

 

-Rio

[Prim&proper]

I think she's very confused but I think it's understandable given the circumstances. You suggested a break and went through with it for a very long time. I think during that time, she was coming to terms with the end of your relationship and may be going through a heartbreak herself thinking that the break was a breakup. She may have tried to move on by getting into the rebound relationship and then all of a sudden, you come back into her life again. I think she does love you, but probably can't trust you. She called you because she broke her own NC and because she is not sure about her current engagement.

 

My ex did that with me. He broke up with me three times. I no longer trust him.

[Am4Real]

I think she's very confused but I think it's understandable given the circumstances. You suggested a break and went through with it for a very long time. I think during that time, she was coming to terms with the end of your relationship and may be going through a heartbreak herself thinking that the break was a breakup. She may have tried to move on by getting into the rebound relationship and then all of a sudden, you come back into her life again. I think she does love you, but probably can't trust you. She called you because she broke her own NC and because she is not sure about her current engagement.

 

My ex did that with me. He broke up with me three times. I no longer trust him.

 

 

Good morning P&P,

 

Thank you for reading this post and offering your objective comment. I believe you are very close if not dead-on in your observations and reasons for her needing to break NC to announce her current situation. .

 

I’ve had several discussions with friends on this and most talk about the difference in time between men and woman when it comes to absolute stages of commitment (i.e. proposing marriage). When I make my case (of course being the guy in all of this) I talk about the validity of finally being able to commit (at the marriage stage) when you are one-hundred percent sure rather than the opposite or perhaps doing so to save a relationship.

 

My basis for the delay was two-fold: not being sure of we were as “in love” as we may have thought whereas we may have become dependant on each other due to the emotional circumstances of her managing her parent’s illness and, history from a previous relationship (a failed marriage) that have me cautious and protective of myself. Anyway, in a rational discussion others start to see it from my view maybe not in total agreement but at least understand my thinking, but of course there is no room for rationalization in a break up and to your point it’s probably an issue of trust and no conversation or reasoning would make a beans of difference.

 

I look beyond it now. Who knows what lies ahead? I’d like to think I’ll look back at this time and this person one day as only a footnote, but for now because of the time we were together and me finally mustering up the commitment she wanted and I was slow to give, it actually feels like we were married and this whole experience was a long-lasting divorce (read: torture) without all the legalities of that kind of settlement, thank goodness.

 

Again, thanks for the comments, they are appreciated.

 

Am4Real

[Guest]

she is an emotional basketcase that you need to stay far away from. If she was so in love with you how could she be engaged already? An engaged women doesn't parade her engagement to ex lovers. Wish her the best and drop it like its hot. You need to cut all contact so she doesn't drag you into her downward spiral of misery. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!!!

[Am4Real]

she is an emotional basketcase that you need to stay far away from. If she was so in love with you how could she be engaged already? An engaged women doesn't parade her engagement to ex lovers. Wish her the best and drop it like its hot. You need to cut all contact so she doesn't drag you into her downward spiral of misery. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!!!

 

Whoever you are, thank you, thank you for those words of encouragement and observation. I [highlight]believe it now[/highlight] even though, honestly, it was hard to accept when first delivered the "punch of a lifetime". I suspected it was validation of/for herself at first, but I now accpet it or this as being a dilemma of emotion based dependency; probably the more realistic of my these two thoughts.

 

All the best,

 

Am4Real