GreenRose Posted January 18, 2007 Posted January 18, 2007 I'm coming to a point. I am learning who I am, setting out on this journey into life, and making some very profound realizations. I feel like what is happening is an evolution of sorts, and I am adapting to the demands that are being placed upon me, whether they come from being a parent, a wife, a daughter, or a human. How do you evaluate the state of your union? I just feel like I'm coming to a close with my relationship. Mainly because, though I love my DH, I am not in love with him. I have recently started on Anti-Depressants, and they are really helping me to cope with my problems. I just feel like I'm through with this, ready to focus on my Education, my Son, and my Self. My DH is a negative drain on me a lot of the time. Little appriciation and recognition for what I do. He says things when we fight only to hurt my feelings and get a response from me. I know it, he knows it. He blames me for a lot of things (Asks me where something is, gets mad because I don't know. If I ask where something is, I was the last one who had it, and I need to keep track of my things.) and is a very messy person. Doesn't know how to cook, doesn't help much with the house. I don't mean to sound like a complainer, I'm just tired of it, know what I mean? I don't have much of a desire to continue with this relationship. We haven't slept in the same bed in months. The baby sleeps with me, he sleeps on the couch. It just sort of.. happened.. after a little while. I have been disinterested sexually for a while now, haven't initiated sex in a long time. I just sort of give in every few days. What do you think as an observer?
IpAncA Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I'm coming to a point. I am learning who I am, setting out on this journey into life, and making some very profound realizations. I feel like what is happening is an evolution of sorts, and I am adapting to the demands that are being placed upon me, whether they come from being a parent, a wife, a daughter, or a human. How do you evaluate the state of your union? I just feel like I'm coming to a close with my relationship. Mainly because, though I love my DH, I am not in love with him. I have recently started on Anti-Depressants, and they are really helping me to cope with my problems. I just feel like I'm through with this, ready to focus on my Education, my Son, and my Self. My DH is a negative drain on me a lot of the time. Little appriciation and recognition for what I do. He says things when we fight only to hurt my feelings and get a response from me. I know it, he knows it. He blames me for a lot of things (Asks me where something is, gets mad because I don't know. If I ask where something is, I was the last one who had it, and I need to keep track of my things.) and is a very messy person. Doesn't know how to cook, doesn't help much with the house. I don't mean to sound like a complainer, I'm just tired of it, know what I mean? I don't have much of a desire to continue with this relationship. We haven't slept in the same bed in months. The baby sleeps with me, he sleeps on the couch. It just sort of.. happened.. after a little while. I have been disinterested sexually for a while now, haven't initiated sex in a long time. I just sort of give in every few days. What do you think as an observer? What do I think? There are problems that are affecting you to the point of being on Anti-depressants. And if a marriage causes you to be on those or any other drug then that is no marriage at all. To be honest the only thing that I can suggest it either you both talk this out or marriage counseling. However from what you say it sounds like the marriage is already over. Do you think it's to late to safe it if thats what you want?
IpAncA Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I don't have much of a desire to continue with this relationship. We haven't slept in the same bed in months. The baby sleeps with me, he sleeps on the couch. It just sort of.. happened.. after a little while. I have been disinterested sexually for a while now, haven't initiated sex in a long time. I just sort of give in every few days. This right here what you said bothers me the most. If you don't want to have sex with him then don't. Giving into it is not a good idea nor is it healthy for a marriage. Also I'm wondering how things were before the baby came. Or was this something that happend.
Author GreenRose Posted January 19, 2007 Author Posted January 19, 2007 This right here what you said bothers me the most. If you don't want to have sex with him then don't. Giving into it is not a good idea nor is it healthy for a marriage. Also I'm wondering how things were before the baby came. Or was this something that happend. I think I'm through. I'm feeling ready to move on. It's not healthy the way that our relaionship works.. The baby came at a rough time, and things have been better since his birth. I just don't want him to grow up to think that it's okay to act the way that his father does. Thank you for responding.
nancyleeh Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 You didn't give many details about your relationship but from what you did say your problems are not earth shattering. You say your not in love and you fight and you don't like how he acts and maybe he has some grips about you as well, but you have a child with this man and that alone is worth doing all you can to save your marriage. Breaking up a marriage is not a piece of cake for either of you and harder on children than we want to imagine. Okay, some marriages absolutely should break up but gosh, not before everything has been tried and worked on to save it first. People grow and change and it doesn't sound like all is hopeless at this point and sometimes we have to work harder when a child is involved. Your talking about ditching your marriage but what steps have you and hubby taken to try and save the marriage? Maybe the emphasis should be more on what to do to save it than breaking it up and you'd have a better change to recapture your love for the father of your child. What I'm saying is please don't take divorce lightly. Seems that so many people ditch what is suppose to be sacred way to fast rather than take time to grow and learn within the marriage. That may or may not be you but I still hope you take it slow and consider other options first. To many kids are growing up in broken homes. nancyleeh
IpAncA Posted January 19, 2007 Posted January 19, 2007 I think I'm through. I'm feeling ready to move on. It's not healthy the way that our relaionship works.. The baby came at a rough time, and things have been better since his birth. I just don't want him to grow up to think that it's okay to act the way that his father does. Thank you for responding. Sure no problem. Some of the things you described are fixable. But you both have to be willing to fix it. If your through then your through. I would suggest you try and save it first but if you don't want to then going to counseling or trying to fix problems will be pointless. Have you talked to your H about this?
Author GreenRose Posted January 20, 2007 Author Posted January 20, 2007 Thanks for the replies! I just get fed up. He's trying harder. I'm just... I don't know what's going on with me.. I know that things aren't horrible. I'm just sick of him disrespecting my boundaries. I explain that I've been feeling bad and don't want to get it on.. He doesn't care and pesters me until I give in. It's a lot of resentment, too. A lot of "I'll change the next diaper," and "But I just rocked him to sleep last night!" I breastfeed, too, so I'm the only one feeding the kid (other than a snack here and there that DH fixes him). He's just selfish. He needs to do _______, but my hobby isn't as important. He wants to spend a lot of money on what he is interested in, but what I want (which is a fraction of the cost) is too expensive. I guess I'm willing to work it out, but he has to try. I talk to him about this stuff, too! I talk talk talk and explain explain explain, and I do it in a gentle, non-threatening, yet still straight forward manner. The dude is just so tempermental. He gets mad about minor things, and then tries to insitigate a bigger fight once he's angry. How can I approach him about these things without him blowing up?
norajane Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 I think your problems are fixable, but you both have to agree first that there are problems and that you want to work on them for the sake of your future together and your child. A lot of people end up in relationships where they start taking each other for granted, where one partner seems to be thinking only of him/herself, where neither is feeling loving toward one another. But it doesn't have to break the marriage. There's a reason you got married in the first place, and you can get that back. Marriage counseling is a good start. Even if your H won't go, you should start going by yourself so that you can get your head straight. I've seen others here recommending the marriagebuilders site as having some good resources to help start turning things around. I think the key is that you have to be loving with him even when that's the last thing in the world that you want to do, even when you'd rather stick a fork in his head. If the anti-depressants are making you feel stronger, then that's a good thing. But I know from my friends' experiences with anti-d's, that they often dull all your senses and emotions, so you can end up feeling numb. If you find that happening, make sure you talk to your doc. You don't want to get so numb you can't feel love anymore.
nancyleeh Posted January 20, 2007 Posted January 20, 2007 GreenRose, I know it can be hard, I like with a stubborn man too and it has taken years for us to find balance in our marriage but it was worth it. Hopefully you can stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and if he doesn't co-operate than take matters into your own hands to get done or fix what needs fixing. We also had differences of opinon of what he should spend vs. what I should spend and what worked for me (after much time) was to take care of myself and my needs and the kids needs no matter what he said. I tried my best not to argue with him, just let him know what is best to do. Counciling is a good idea even if he doesn't go so you can work on reclaiming your own power and self worth. It took me a long time to realize I was just as worthy as he. I wish you the best. nancyleeh
Author GreenRose Posted January 22, 2007 Author Posted January 22, 2007 Thanks for the responses! I just got some good insurance, so I can go to a counselor again. I've decided that I'm just going to do for myself, and make sure that I'm happy and taken care of. I take care of every one else first all the time.
quankanne Posted January 22, 2007 Posted January 22, 2007 good to hear that you're taking charge by your decision to seek counselling, and remember, there are many avenues available (through church, through community, on a sliding scale basis) for you and y'all. Another thing that pops into my head as I write is finding a Parents Anonymous chapter near you – that might be another resource, especially since you've got a little one in the mix, you know. my initial thought upon reading your opening post is that depression makes you respond much differently to situations you normally would, so please keep that in mind. Things that were once no problem dealing with become huge looming situations that seemingly have no solution. If you keep that in mind when you encounter those situations, it'll help keep things in perspective. I've been there, so I definitely feel for you there. as for your husband: ah, that lovely Y-chromosome. Makes you want to pinch their head off because they are oblivious to the obvious, and can be pretty self-absorbed to boot. Try to think of it as re-educating a dog or child who exhibits bad/negative behavior. You're going to have to approach it from a whole 'nother angle, and fortunately, counselling can give you the tools to do just that. If possible, get him involved in counselling so that he can see the situation in its entirety, not just from his POV – that might make the difference in his response to events in your marriage. Remind him that it's not to punish or shame him, but to help the both of you build a better relationship, though it might be a hard sell for awhile, people are antsy about that kind of thing when they feel guilty about themselves or are in denial that their behavior has a negative effect on a relationship. things will start looking up, simply because they can't stay crappy forever, you know? best of luck to you, and keep us posted, q
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