MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I don't really know what to do... Me and my bf have been together for 4 months now. Everything was going pretty good, besides the fact that I'm very afraid to show him my life, while I'm stuck in his. I know all of his friends, I know his every move. But he doesn't know much about my life. I always go to my friends by myself, he never goes to my place (but that's for another reason). I really want him in my life, and now he's angry that I don't let him in. I have no idea what I'm afraid of. I don't want to lose him over this.
NineGirl Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 i totally feel and understand where ur coming from... have you ever had trouble in the past with a guy because you poured your whole life to him and and he didnt respond well or seemed liked he cared and it ended just like that? maybe you need to let your guard down and explain to him the reason of sum of the ways ur feeling and why.. its always hard when you become the listener in the relationship because u become so used to it that you feel you dont have much to say... make sure you start being honest because that will make all the difference.. dont make it seem like your pushing the guy away!
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Could anyone help me on this?
ls3360 Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Pick an example of a way you could share your life with him. So what's the worst thing that you think could happen if you did that? What's the best? Is there any other background that you can provide? 'Something important that you haven't mentioned?
LaughMachine Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Don't worry I know exactly what you meen. It is a problem though. Your saying your life isn't as important as his to show, to let him in. You can't always be around his friends, his house his life and forget about yours. That is one of the leading facors( in my opinion!) causing a break up. Your life is just AS important, as long as your friends are to show this man them. Why are you so afraid? Are you afraid of him seeing another side to you? It's only been 4 months...and boy does it take a long time to actually understand someone! You still got alot more time but I would defiently try to show him your life more because in my opinion it can turn in too a problem in your favor and his. I bet this guy would be thrilled to see your house, your room maybe sniff your underwear when your not looking or something( jk) Don't you want to have those options open for him to have just as an exciting relationship as you!
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 What are you afraid of? If you want anything to come of this relationship you have to let him in. You can't hide.
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 You guys are totally right! I just don't let people into my life easely. I have "friends" but they don't know any of my personal problems. I'm used to taking care of myself and
upsetnhurt Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 While I see the previous posters side, I take a different one. Maybe you are embarrassed of your ex in someway or even are frightened that your friends may alert him of some information of your past or present that you have preferred to keep him out of. Do your friends even know that you are currently involved with this guy and if so, to what extent. Do they think he is simply someone you are casually dating or an exclusive bf? I would think all your friends would be asking when they are going to meet this wonderful guy you are dating.....so something tells me that you have not installed that perception on them. Maybe you might have the slightest bit of interest in one of your friends and would prefer not to prance around with another guy in front of them. All hypothetical thoughts here yet all very possible, just as much as the last post which felt you were embarrassed of your life outside of him.
LaughMachine Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I think what were trying to do is get to the root of your problem and all of these things seem like possible things you are afraid of. Inside you truely know why...so get that out and explain! or try to.
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Well that's not really true. My "friends" do know about him, and I brag about him all the time, but he's away lot for his work, so when I can see him, we usually are at his place or with his friends. He does ask me to meet some friends occasionally but I always find excuses. Sometimes I'm scared he'll notice I don't really have friends at all. They don't really know me. I'm always the listener, not the talker. people come to me for problems they have. And when I have a problem, I don't really want to talk to people about it.
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Well that's not really true. My "friends" do know about him, and I brag about him all the time, but he's away lot for his work, so when I can see him, we usually are at his place or with his friends. He does ask me to meet some friends occasionally but I always find excuses. Sometimes I'm scared he'll notice I don't really have friends at all. They don't really know me. I'm always the listener, not the talker. people come to me for problems they have. And when I have a problem, I don't really want to talk to people about it. Ok I understand what your saying BUT if your going to be with someone you can't shut them out. Relationships don't work like that. Maybe with friends but not with a potential someone. It sounds to me like your embrassed about the way you are and the way your life is. You need to try and stop comparing yourself/friends/lifesyle to him. Does he really care about all that? He shouldn't.
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 I know I shouldn't, his life really isn't that great eather, it's not like he really has a lot of friends, because he has to work all the time. But I've always been like that. Everytime I'm in a relationship, it's like I have two lives. One with him, and one with my family and friends.
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 I know I shouldn't, his life really isn't that great eather, it's not like he really has a lot of friends, because he has to work all the time. But I've always been like that. Everytime I'm in a relationship, it's like I have two lives. One with him, and one with my family and friends. Can I ask you what your scared of?
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 I think I'm scared of him to get to know the real me. The one who isn't that strong, independet and assertive....
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Why don't you start little by little and let him see who you really are? Need a little bit more confidence in yourself. He likes you for a reason.
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Yeah I know. I should be more confident in myself. That's why I'm gonna take it step step now, slowly letting him get to know myself. I really think he deserves it, after all he's been through with me. And I want him in my life you know. He already knows me pretty good, I mean he knows I'm not always that strong and confident. I shouldn't worry about it. I guess, i'm just having a hard time letting go of something I've been doing for over 23 years.
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 Yeah I know. I should be more confident in myself. That's why I'm gonna take it step step now, slowly letting him get to know myself. I really think he deserves it, after all he's been through with me. And I want him in my life you know. He already knows me pretty good, I mean he knows I'm not always that strong and confident. I shouldn't worry about it. I guess, i'm just having a hard time letting go of something I've been doing for over 23 years. Did you have a bad experience with someone in the past that made you want to put up a front?
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 well, yeah. Uhm...a couple of years ago, the first man I really loved commited suicide. It's really like a scar in my heart.
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 well, yeah. Uhm...a couple of years ago, the first man I really loved commited suicide. It's really like a scar in my heart. I'm really sorry to hear about that. Have you talked to anyone perfessionally about that? Not saying your crazy or anything but something like that does leave a scar. Sounds to me like your scared to get close to anyone again because you don't want to loose them. You don't want to take the chance?
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 yeah, I have been in therapy for it, but my confidence hasn't improved, and I'm still scared of losing people around me. What i feel for my current boyfriend is not something I ever felt for someone. i really want to chance my behaviour in order to save my relationship.
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 What happend with one of your past bf's doesn't mean thats going to happen to future ones. Everyone is scared to lose someone they love including myself. I have a very hard time letting go when someone close to me dies which is why I don't know what I'm going to do if one of my closest family members passed on. Just thinking about it is horrible. Sorry for the ramble but it takes time to move on but we have to let go. Yeah I know easier said then done. But I do think that you should try like you said about opening up little by little. Have to start somewhere. Have you told your bf what happend?
Author MotherGooze Posted January 14, 2007 Author Posted January 14, 2007 Yeah, I have told him, but I didn't tell much. How I feel about it and the pain are things I don't really wanna discuss with him. Sometimes I don't feel bad about what happened, (I don't mean that in a horrible way, I do miss him); I do have learned a lot of good things from it. But on the other side it has really locked me away, not only from my boyfriend, but also from having real friends. I think he has a hunch that I'm still having problems with what happened back then. But he's even worse then me when it comes to talking about feelings, I don't think he wants to ask me as well.
IpAncA Posted January 14, 2007 Posted January 14, 2007 He probably doesn't want to upset you. Maybe in time he'll open up too. You could also try and find support groups who have lost people like that or similar. That would be a great way to talk about how you feel and get an insight as to how others feel and how they over came it.
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