How can I leave without feeling guilty/selfish?

[llgla]

My problem is with my father...Here's why I don't like him : I didn't like my father since I was young. I'm the only child and I see him beat my mother up whenever he wants to win an argument. The ultimate point is when they both hold a penknife and slash each other.....My mother died mysteriously on the bed when I was 17. There were no physical symptoms (and I don't think he has the guts to do this) so I think my mother must have asked God to take her home.

 

You see, I'm 25 and my father is 56 years old and out of job...In my country/culture (I'm in Asia), it's only right to give him some money every mth for him to survive. I calculated and gave a sum enough for him to have 3 meals every day. Unfortunately, he's the type who can tell you he had spent all the money in 2 weeks. I resort to give him little by little then he ganged up with an aunt (from his side) and lecture me on how disrespectful it was when I do that. The aunt even told me I should bring him all my salary each mth and let him decide how much to use. I feel like slapping her when she said that but I clutch my fists and kept my silence. My aunt blabber on how well her kids took care of her. God, she has 3 adult sons. The load is lighter. How can she compare me with her 3 precious sons like that. She even say I should give my father money for entertainment (smoking and drinks). I was mad till a speechless point. They repeat this 15 min lecture into a 2 hr lecture

 

Anyway I am in a dilemma. Where I live, it's considered extremely irresponsible if I just leave my father and live on my own. My father can sue me for abandonment if I do that. We have a law towards children who abuse/abandon parents but the law doesn't know there are diff situations in every case....I'm not the only one suffering... I have 2 friends suffering similar fate....Talk abt birds of the same feather flock together...

 

I thot of family counsel but backed away...I'll be put down cos my father knows how to put on a 'i m so pitiful' face. Trust me, he's good at that...one of my friends tried it and end up with an order that require her to pay her father around 6500USD per year for 6 years. The only good thing abt this order is that she will not have any more financial obligation towards her father after all payment is made...We're all average office workers. I see her working her butt off and borrowing money from everyone she knows to pay this 'debt'. She comforts herself every day by thinking "just 5 more years and I'm out of this crap"...

 

If u cant tell by now, I'm not close to my relatives...I'm basically ashamed of my father....I don't know what to do. Maybe cos I'm a girl and not tough enough... my father can look me in the eye and say "i spent all my money on drinks. I need money for food"

 

What can I do.....?

[CardPlay3r]

Wow, you have quite a fight on your hands. First of all, you have to realize your father is a creep for beating your mother up and since it was regular he had to be responsible for her death...at least psychologically.

 

So, this guy made her and your life hell when you grew up, you don't owe him anything! Forget the culture you live in, some cultures still have neanderthal traits...some cultures stone women to death for as much as not wearing a veil or cheating, other cultures force women into marriages, so just because it's part of a culture doesn't mean it's not terribly wrong.

 

My advice therefor is cut all contact with him, he doesn't deserve you and you shouldn't help him in the least after what he did to you and your mother..

 

That law is retarded btw...could you tell me what country it is? South Korea, Japan, Indonesia? Just curious...

[llgla]

Hi CardPlay3r. Thanks for posting. I'm from Singapore.

[Curmudgeon]

And Maylasia, and especially the city-state of Singapore, take their laws and customs seriously, don't they? Have you thought of leaving and going to another country out of the reach of draconian, outmoded laws and midieval customs? That might be your best bet.

 

At a mere 56 (I'm older) your father should be able to support hmself but obviously lacks the pride, integrity and incentive to do so.

[llgla]

Ya I've thought of it but don't know where to run to. Where do u think a 25 year old girl should run to? I have no relatives out there =(. I thought of maybe saving up and find a place the opposite end of where i live now (although singapore is sooo small). It's better than nothing.

[simplybrill]

Maybe England? Or Canada? I know it is hard to get into the U.S. right now, but you might have better luck with England or Canada.

[CardPlay3r]

Well people move to different countries all the time. You could go to Japan, South Korea China wherever and since from what I understand you have a college degree you can get a job there etc. and get away from that backwards country

[MoonGirl]

Hello! I'm sorry to hear about your predicament. I would not advise leaving your father without having a plan. Obviously, your country's law is not in your favor.

 

Many many countries need trained medical professionals and will grant work visas to them (nurses and medical doctors). Is it possible for you to go back to school so you could land a better job/career? Perhaps you could explain to your father that you'd like a better career so you could have more money to help him. As an abuser, he might agree to it because you're pretending it's for his benefit (even if the real reason is for you).

 

Maybe you could consider attending school in another country? That way, you would be away from your father and also working toward the possibility of staying in another country and avoiding the payments you have to make to your father.

 

Here is the website for USA student visas:

http://singapore.usembassy.gov/student_visas.html

 

If you find a reasonably priced nursing school (like a community college), it may be somewhat more affordable to you than a university. Once you are a registered nurse in the USA, any hospital would support your work visa.

 

I'm sure many other countries also offer student visas and the tuition may be much cheaper than in the USA.

 

Another option is to become an au pair (babysitter) in another country. Most countries allow an au pair to work for at least 12 months. I know the USA now allows au pairs to work up to 24 months. Simply do a search on "au pair" and you should be able to find some companies that help au pair's find work.

 

I wish you the best of luck!

[BlueEyedSarah]

Ya I've thought of it but don't know where to run to. Where do u think a 25 year old girl should run to? I have no relatives out there =(. I thought of maybe saving up and find a place the opposite end of where i live now (although singapore is sooo small). It's better than nothing.

You would be able to move to Canada for Reffugee or something for your situation. England is easy to get into as well.

[jusified]

wow, thats really bad....

 

Come to Australia, we got great weather, beach, scenery, lots of culture and plenty of jobs.

 

Our weather is so much bettr the the gloomy uk and the freezing Canada Plus, we just beat the english in cricket 5-0.

 

Bu seriously, you know what, I know not all asian culture is like that, its all about respect and honesty. He has no right to treat you like he does and if this aunty wants to gang up on you, tell her to support your dad. Is 6500USD alot for you to afford?? I mean if its a wway to buy out it be worth it.

[llgla]

Thanks for ur replies. Currently I'm taking one step at a time. Studying abroad would be a good idea... Now is the money part... gotta save save save =).

[littlekitty]

England is easy to get into as well.

 

Don't we know it!! While someone like this would an asset, unfortunately many aren't...!!

 

llgla, my heart goes out to you and your situation. Try to save as much as you can, and try to stay strong.

[Arabess]

This would be a hard one for me. It's kind of the same as having to support your teen child even after a series of rebellion that has broken all the normals of a parent-child relationship.

 

I guess all you can do is go into your heart to see what you can live with and what you can walk away from. There is no clear answer....the only real answer can come from your own heart. If you do what is right for your heart, regardless of how hard it may be, then the good things you expect from doing right based on your own values, morals, religion, culture, etc. will come back to you.

 

As a Christian, my view on this is that my personal religion tells me to Honor My Parents regardless on if I agree with their lifestyle or not or even if I love them or not. So...I would take care of them according to law or personal responsibility because I would feel in my own heart that I have no other choice.

 

But it is up to your own heart as to how you may have to respond to this great issue. There is just so much invlolved beyond your Dad's right or wrong. It's all about YOU and how YOU feel.

 

I wish you luck and happiness regardless of what you choose as being best for you.

[burning 4 revenge]

Ya I've thought of it but don't know where to run to. Where do u think a 25 year old girl should run to? I have no relatives out there =(. I thought of maybe saving up and find a place the opposite end of where i live now (although singapore is sooo small). It's better than nothing.

I want to escape too. Lets go to Alaska together.

[llgla]

I want to escape too. Lets go to Alaska together.

 

heehee if u are sponsoring this one-way trip, I may consider

[llgla]

As a Christian, my view on this is that my personal religion tells me to Honor My Parents regardless on if I agree with their lifestyle or not or even if I love them or not. So...I would take care of them according to law or personal responsibility because I would feel in my own heart that I have no other choice.

 

Ya i m a Christian too. This is part of the struggle. I often ask myself do I do what is right in the eyes of God, community, society and etc or do I do what is right for me?

 

There is truly no clear answer. Why on earth u think I am still stuck with my father?

[llgla]

Surprise, surprise, my father asked me for money again. This time he spent them on beers becos of the coming Chinese festive season (emphasized on the word 'coming'). So I thot he's just a few dollars short so I give 20 dollars, and another and another on diff days till I freaked out and yelled at him. He admitted spending all his money I gave him for Feb. Today is only Feb 13. God knows what's next!

 

He kept showing me how little he ate and say I have to look after him cos he's not able to get a job and he's such a poor thing and keep squeezing his eyes dilberately as if he's abt to cry etc. God I hate his guts! With all the money into beers, of course he wouldn't have much to eat! He says he knows but he still does it!

 

To give u an idea, beers are not cheap here. I checked. Around 5 USD per bottle, 5 USD can have 1 good meal here and 2 meals if u scrimp a bit.

 

I never know this person when I'm was a baby (another long story) and I guess I would never be.

[CaterpillarGirl]

Next time instead of giving him more money, go out and buy groceries for him. That way you know your money is going towards food not beer.

[RecordProducer]

Wow, this sounds terrible in the least. I am so sorry to hear that. OMG. awful! What if you told at court how he beat your mother and she died from his beatings? He doesn't deserve to live, if you ask me. Can you move to another country to get rid of him? You should definitely think of something to avoid giving him money altogeter. F*ck your aunt and the other relatives. Do they know what he did to your Mom? This is just too sad.

[llgla]

Next time instead of giving him more money, go out and buy groceries for him. That way you know your money is going towards food not beer.

 

Ya I've tried that before. It doesn't help. He'll tell u the ones you buy don't suit him...that he needs to eat certain brand of rice....sold in some special old place that only him knows where it is... it's a nice way of saying 'Just give me the money'.

[llgla]

Wow, this sounds terrible in the least. I am so sorry to hear that. OMG. awful! What if you told at court how he beat your mother and she died from his beatings? He doesn't deserve to live, if you ask me. Can you move to another country to get rid of him? You should definitely think of something to avoid giving him money altogeter. F*ck your aunt and the other relatives. Do they know what he did to your Mom? This is just too sad.

 

Thanks for your concern. I don't have the money to move to another country. Many has suggested me to apply scholarship to get into a school overseas first. I'm considering abt that. A new friend I met just offered to help find a place to rent together. I hope things get better.

 

My mother didn't have bruises when she died. My father abused us more mentally than physically. With my mother dead and burnt into ashes already, I doubt anyone would believe abt the mental abuse part.

 

My father puts on the 'I've already turned over a new leaf but I m such a poor thing' act in front of others. Have u been so angry, ur veins thickens, ur heart beat rises and u stare angrily at the person but can't speak a word? That's me whenever he does that.

[RecordProducer]

Ilgla, YOU know what happened. Just because other people don't understand or don't believe or don't care, doesn't mean that you should close your eyes to your mother's murderer. The mental abuse can very much kill. Many women have been vicitims of their husband's abuse and have died either of a stroke or a heart attack or just slowly from diseases that have developed due to severe stress. Stress kills and it killed your mom. Don't feel guilty for one second about your father. Just try to find a way to run away from him. You can do it if you really want to. It might take you a few years, but you will do that.

 

Buy him food and if he doesn't like it, tell him: 'Well that's too bad! You don't have money, but you think you can be picky?" No court will be on his side if he is picky. What will he tell them? That he didn't get the certain brand?

 

Since your aunt is so smart, give HER the money - in that way you have a proof that you gave him money and it's not your problem if he spends them on alcohol. Tell your aunt that this is it and he is not getting anything more for that month. He can't tell her that he spendt the money on booze and needs more.

 

If he makes up that he needs money for medications, YOU buy the medications for him. Oh, and... don't forget to tell everybody all the time that you have barely food for yourself, but you are giving money to your father for alcohol. Everyone will change his mind about him, trust me!

 

This too shall pass, but you have to make it pass...

[llgla]

Since your aunt is so smart, give HER the money - in that way you have a proof that you gave him money and it's not your problem if he spends them on alcohol. Tell your aunt that this is it and he is not getting anything more for that month. He can't tell her that he spendt the money on booze and needs more.

 

I like the idea. Would take into consideration...man I wished I thot of that earlier. I never thot blowing the issue up could be a way to save my own butt too.

 

Thanks for your concern again. I have sufficient money for myself. Not enough to save but good enough for daily needs. I just don't feel like keep feeding someone who would waste my money on beer. It feels like feeding dollar notes to a cow.

 

I know the situation would get worse if I continue to give in. I just need the right opportunity to get out of here and be totally selfish for once. My life is after all mine and happens only once. I don't wanna grow old and wait for my father to pass away then start to enjoy life.

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for your concern again. I have sufficient money for myself. Not enough to save but good enough for daily needs.

I am glad to hear that. I just have to tell you that in the post where you wrote how your father had to beg you for money cuz he depends on you and you're giving him sh*t, I almost felt sorry for him. But then I remembered that he gave you crap and pushed your mother into death and how he spends your money on booze and I woke up. It's easy to see this story from both sides. But the fact is you're eternally angry at him and that's the reason for everything. If your own son resents you, it means you're a piece of sh*t. And you resent him without being influenced by someone else; you created your own judgment.

 

I heard a rumor that the singer Marya Carrey didn't give a peny to her poor father and how bad she is, of course; my first thought was: I can imagine what kind of father he'd been for her to resent him and reject him like that. I am 100% sure that if he were a good dad to her, she would have given him everything. I don't know if the story is true, but the logic is such.

 

I just don't feel like keep feeding someone who would waste my money on beer. It feels like feeding dollar notes to a cow.

I am sure if you loved your father, you wouldn't mind. I'd give my mom everything and even when I worked for little money, I didn't care if she spent money on her cosmetics. On the other hand, she gave me veerything she had: money, love, help, support, she raised my babies together with me... I would give up food to give her money for a vacation or clothes. Literally! And I wouldn't regret it, cuz she would do the same. She has done it.

 

I know the situation would get worse if I continue to give in. I just need the right opportunity to get out of here and be totally selfish for once. My life is after all mine and happens only once. I don't wanna grow old and wait for my father to pass away then start to enjoy life.

I don't want to dig into this too much, but I have to say I am curious as to how he was with you and your mom, what kind of abuse was going on and how you developed this resentment for him.

[llgla]

I don't want to dig into this too much, but I have to say I am curious as to how he was with you and your mom, what kind of abuse was going on and how you developed this resentment for him.

No worries, it's a comfort to me that someone is willing to listen to my story.

 

Before I was 4 years old, I lived with my grandma (mother side) and my aunt and uncles (also mother side). They love me very much. I was their little treasure. Being an innocent child, I don't have the concept of parents. I only know I love to be loved. Then time comes when I saw my uncles discussing abt me and then my mother appears. My uncles wanted me to return 'home' with her. She's a totally stranger to me back then. I don't remember much but I know I didn't like her. I didn't want to leave.

 

I still went as my uncles insisted. The min the door to my current home opened, I felt a cold atmosphere in it. There's no hot meal for my first dinner there. My father gave me bread with butter and water and thats it. In my little mind I knew this is not where I belong. I hoped the whole thing was temporal and I'd be back at grandma's the next day.

 

That day didn't come. I continue to stay at my current home. I overheard my father arguing with my mother abt money to send me to kindergarten. I was scared. That was the first time I saw adults quarreling.

 

Not long after I moved, my grandma passed away. My mother was devasted. I didn't know the concept of death back then. I only know my grandma was going away for a very long time. Then everything passed by quickly and I was back in my current home again. My mother slowly became schizo. I couldn't get help from my uncles as my parents don't interact with them and we started to drift away from them. Well at least that's how I see it.

 

My father couldn't accept my mother's condition. He believes my mother was just pretending to be schizo. He slapped her and yelled at her whenever she murmurs to herself. When he's in a really bad mood, he would threaten to throw heavy things like ashtray at her and even threatened to throw them at me if I defend her.

 

My mother could still bring me to kindergarten, cook and wash but that's all on auto-pilot mode. She couldn't communicate with me. When she has nothing to do, she would lie down and stare at the ceiling.

 

There were few occasions my father tries to be nice (i bet its because he won some money during gambling) but the next min he's a total diff person. It's very hard to live around him cos u have to be on ur toes all the time.

 

When I was 8, I returned home and saw a pool of blood in the living room. They have slashed each other with penknives and both are bleeding. I don't remember how they made the bleeding stop. I was in a state of shock.

 

My father doesn't beat me much (my mother does the beating, another long story) but all the time he doesn't wish to talk to me. He calls my name with a commanding voice and still does. I hated my name as time passes. He would say things like 'I can't be bothered with u' or 'what's the use of talking to u' and went his own way.

 

It didnt take long for me to start resenting my parents. Less for my mother cos I know she can't help it. I began to keep to myself and didnt want anyone to know abt them. However my mother sometimes would create trouble (e.g. barges into the principal's office, takes his chair and spin around while sitting on it) so I tell her I can go to school on my own and ask her to stay home and wait for me to come back .

 

The rest of my life with them is more-less a repetition of the above (besides the grandma part).