Mino Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Hello, I am new to the board, but I been reading post for months. I am in an A with mm for 2 years. He is a coworker. He has been married almost 9 years. No children at the time. We had no intentions of falling in love. We spent at least 12 hours a day together, it just happened, Into the first year, w relizes something is wrong. (she does not work) she gets pregnant. He says he didnt want children at his age ( almost49) says he has the obligation to stay with her during thistime till baby is born. Baby is here. He tells me he wants to leave and be with me. He claims he is not in love with w anymore. He also has ocd. Now I keep pushing for him to make the move. He now says he get anzeity attacks at just the though. He goes through treatment with meds.hoping this condition will go away. Still no change. Finally broke it off again, (4-5 time already) he shows up everytime in tears. He says he will tell w. Leaves my house to go home and tell. He called later to tell me she is freakin out, supposely family came next day for an intervention. Now we are back to square one. He is not sure if he can leave the baby. I need to give him more time. I feel like I am on a rollercoater. Stoping everytime where we started and not getting nowhere. I love this man with all my heart. Any suggestions would be greatly appricated. Oh, he claims she know everything, and its been 2 weeks, she pretends all is back to normal, not even asking for details. is this normal?
whichwayisup Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 Because now there's an innocent baby involved, he isn't going to leave. Are you willing to stick around, be his on and off again OW for xx amount of years? You deserve better! I know you love him, but you need to take control of this situation and end it for good. IF he gets a divorce, let it be because their marriage isn't working out...Don't be the woman he leaves his wife and child for. If that happens, chances are he'll be back and forth between you and his wife, kind of like how he's acting now. Remember too, he's been lying to his wife, so he's probably fed you some lies as well. Don't believe all that he tells you about what is going on at home, how his wife feels etc..
scaredinlove Posted January 7, 2007 Posted January 7, 2007 I don't think he will leave at this point.He seem to be lost I went thru this with my MM. It is very distressing and painfull. Just let him go and make his decision wqithout you around.
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 so iniatially ,no kids ,no intention of falling in love yet he was still cheating on his W? did he tell you why he was cheating ? instead of leaving since there were no children? if she is in fact really having a child i highly doubt he will leave . my x mm got her pregnant then married her after baby said wasnt in love & he also said (before marriage )how would it look if i left her with a baby on the way.. then it will be he cant bear to leave child then once child is older then in school ... you get the point? i went through it for 5 years . i read a post in which somebody stated about xow trying to tell current ow get out of situation ,yes -anytime you involve you self with a MM the outcome is not good so i would just put on my big girl panties & tell him goodbye . when a relationship is built on lies & sneaking around what do we expect . you have already wasted 2 years . or if you do see a future with him tell him to get in touch when he is divorced . life is too short to put it on hold for someone like him .
pureheart Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 my MM pretty much lives day by day... not thinking before they act. If I were you I would move on because he'll draw this out until you have not an a positive emotion left for yourself. He's only goingt to do what he can get away with. A solid man would make a solid choice on what's right and not keep going in between.
pureinheart Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 It sounds like she doesn't care whether he loves her or not, she just wants him, and has the ammo to keep him. Personally I would move on, he's very confused and it sounds like there is a lot of drama.... If you did get together on a permanent basis, your life would be very hard and you don't deserve that, as life is not supposed to be that way. I wish you the very best life has to offer!
Author Mino Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 I know this man loves me. I do think he is lying for the last 2 weeks. In my heart I think the day he went home to tell her he got cold feet. He was a coward and he could not tell me the truth. So he tells me he told her all. She freaked out, next day family intervention. Now I hardly see him since this went down. He still calls everyday. saying he not sure he did the right thing, he still loves me and wants to be with me, but hes torn about his child ( who is now 5 month) He keeps saying he needs time time to think , I am so confussed. We had planned to get married. I am just existing these last 2 weeks, I have lost 10 lbs, which i did not need to lose. I am in tears everyday, The only time I feel ok, is when I hear his voice. I dont know how to go on, this is soooooooooooo painful. I just want our plan back, and move forward. I am contempleting to go to w to confirm she know. I think, I am not sure .......
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 In all honesty, he shouldn't be making marriage plans with you seeing as he's not even separated or divorced from his wife. The child has changed things and this is making him stop and think. Rightfully so. Best thing you can do is break up with him, tell him to try to work out his marriage, and if things don't work out between them, he can call you WHEN he is officially divorced. Don't continue to be his OW, he will string you along and still have his home, his wife and child. And, you may not like this, but you have no right to involve yourself in their marriage. If it ends, let it be because HE ends it, not because you want it to end, so therefore you're taking matters into your own hands and telling his wife. Think of their child. If you think things are bad now, try telling her. Chances are (just from past threads here) you telling his wife is going to mean he'll end it with you. IF he is PUSHED into choosing right now, he WILL pick his wife.
BlueEyedSarah Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 he claims she know everything, and its been 2 weeks, she pretends all is back to normal, not even asking for details. is this normal? I may be wrong, but it sounds like he is lying about telling the wife.
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 ok ,so you think he has been lying to you & you are just going to accept that ? have you confronted him on his lies? and the loseing weight & in tears everyday you should never be so attached to any man. if the child is 5 months ,9 months she was pregnant so 14 months of 24 months he has had time to think . do his actions not show you his choice? what about you are you willing to just accept these crumbs or do you value yourself ? think ..you can do into NC (until he leaves her )/or break it off for good now take a couple of tough months crying getting him out of your system or you can stick around 2 more years then go through getting over him the longer you are with him the harder it will be . and the worst you will feel about wasted time .
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 ok ,so you think he has been lying to you & you are just going to accept that ? have you confronted him on his lies? and the loseing weight & in tears everyday you should never be so attached to any man. if the child is 5 months ,9 months she was pregnant so 14 months of 24 months he has had time to think . do his actions not show you his choice? what about you are you willing to just accept these crumbs or do you value yourself ? think ..you can do into NC (until he leaves her )/or break it off for good now take a couple of tough months crying getting him out of your system or you can stick around 2 more years then go through getting over him the longer you are with him the harder it will be . and the worst you will feel about wasted time . please dont tell the wife let him ,most likely he lies about her .
Author Mino Posted January 8, 2007 Author Posted January 8, 2007 I have broken this off 4 to 5 times. I have confronted him about his wife. I do believe he was honest up to two weeks ago with me. I think he got scared. So, one lie leads to the next. But he keeps calling, keeps crying, says he does not know what to do. Says if he left he is afraid of going home again in a week, cause he misses the baby. He need to be 100% sure. Why is this man torturing mel like this and wants me to give him more time. Should the wife not know? I think its her choice too, she is I believe in the dark.
GreenEyedLady Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 Why is this man torturing me like this and wants me to give him more time. Should the wife not know? I think its her choice too, she is I believe in the dark. You are letting him torture you...You can either continue the A or end the R...it is up to you...but then own your part in that... If you feel it is more pain than what's it worth, it's probably best to move on... She is in the dark most likely, but it's not your place as the OW to tell her...she just had a baby and is going through alot of changes right now, and I don't think she would appreciate it coming from you anyway...
redlynne Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 then this time do it right NC no phone calls ,email NOTHING. change your telephone number or block his number . you are not the one who did her wrong ,cheated on her, or made vows let him tell her . he wants the A to keep going let it go . why are you letting him make all the choices? decide if you want to continue the affair & accept whatever he gives you or walk away ,you can always leave the door open for if he leaves her.
frannie Posted January 8, 2007 Posted January 8, 2007 This is no time for him to be leaving her. He can't possibly be thinking straight at all. I know this is terribly hard for you to have gone through all this while he's dithering and uncertain, but you need to put some space between you and this situation. Some NC for you, and for him, seems like the best option.
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