in shock dont know

[marc from MI]

My name is Marc and here is my story:

I am 26 and have been dating "T" who is 25 since August 2004.

 

I first met her when were just out of high school through mutual friends. She and I both had significant others and became acquaintances. We both went seperate ways, i moved to california with my ex and she did her thing. I moved back to michigan after seperating with my ex. this was 2003 fast forward to august 2004, a friend pleads with me to go with him to a local festival and i oblige. By chance i run into "T" and we hit off a whirlwind relationship . Something like you would see in a movie. I was confident after just a few months that this gir,l was my soulmate. She felt the same. after a year of dating we decided to get an apartment together. We spoke briefly about marriage but both agreed after witnessing both of our parents go through divorces when we were in our teens that we would wait at least a few years.

 

this was August 2005.

the next year and a half was great i didnt even think of other women nor did she ever of other men. Like i said it was cinema-esque. She was perfect for me, I for her. We enjoyed all of the same things , Tigers and redwings games, poker with freinds, trips to florida. Everything a couple in love would .

Fast forward to xmas this year: Xmas went off without a hitch as usual. We both ventured out to each others families homes for festivities. Her mom has high admiration for me as my mother absolutely loves her like a daughter. We dodged the usual questions of when were we gonna get married. We both knew that we would commit to marriage when we were a bit older and had agreed to this on several occasions.

 

DEC 30th Saturday night she works at a local restauranut and was closing that night so she usually doesnt get home until 2am. she called me earlier in the night ,as usual, to let me know how everything was going. everything was fine, typical. Unexpectadly she walks in the door early at 11:45pm and heads straight to the bedroom. Of course i folllow with the standard questioning.

"is everything ok?"

she replies " we need to talk. i want to break up"

 

stunned i sat on the bed in disbelief thinking that i was going to awake from this horrble dream any second . I never woke up.

 

of course i asked the typical questions:

"what did i do?"

"How can i fix this?"

"WHY?"

 

she could give me no answer she just stood in front of me shooting laser beams out of her eyes straight into my heart.

at first she seemed closed off and emotionless.

 

 

then i broke the cardinal rule as a man. i brokedown into tears, something that i hadnt done since i was 16 and learned that my parents were seperating.never before had a woman made me cry i thought i was above it, i thought that tear ducts were made of iron and that the only things in my life that could wrench a tear fromt his face was a death of someone close or Tigers win in the world series (almost happened).

 

Of course at this point she too becan to cry but not a sobbing sorowful cry, that i had seen before from her in other situations. this was a different kind of cry , a cry that would later be confirmed by her as a "feel bad for me cry"

 

after a half hour of questioning in between tears she finally gave me answers. she wasnt happy, she felt trapped, she felt that she didnt feel the same as she used to. of course all of this is news to me. i tried to console her and tell that we can make it work, whatever i was or wasnt doing i could fix.

then i asked the question that everyone dreads during a situation like this.

 

"do you not love me anymore?"

 

she gulped in between increasingly flowing tears and replied.

"im sorry i dont"

 

electric bolts of devistation shot through my body. i wanted to throw up. i wanted to throw my face into a pillow and wish my way out of this. i would find out later in the night that neither vomiting or face in the pillow made anything go away.

 

what could i say at this point? as good of a talker as i am, there is no way of talking someone into loving you. i left the room. alll was quiet. by now im chain smoking cigarette with tears in my eyes in the living thinking about my life for the last 2 and a half years wondering where it went wrong. i decided that i couldnt just let her walk away , i had to know why. i demanded to know why she didnt love me anymore. i had never cheated, i had never told a lie (everyone tells white lies which i paid for), i had always stood by her showing the love that was missing from my childhood hoping that i would never end up the way my parents did.

 

i marched abck in the bedroom, she sat emotionless. all she could tell me was

 

"i dont know why "

 

i felt empty and unfulfilled. i began to pack my things .i stopped after loading up all of my clothing and sat next to her again and proposed something. lets take a break. i couldnt just say goodbye for good, not right now, i needed something to look forward to because going home to my mother and telling her that the love of my life was gone forever. it was not something i was looking forward to.afterwards she told me that she felt better about a break instead of a breakup , which confused me further. why not offer a trial seperation first?

 

she agreed to a break and admitted that she was confused. we set that i would return home for a talk on january 13th , 2 weeks.

 

by now it was 4am and she and i were both exhausted. she went to bed , i slept on the couch. i didnt sleep , i laid there thinking about everything. goign through different emotions, anger, sadness and a feeling of emptiness undescribable unless you've experienced it yourself. 10am rolls around, i stil have not slept, lying on the couch i get up and head to the bedroom. she slept in the bed adn i laid down next to her. she slept silently not knowing i was there. she woke at 10:30 looked at me and got up to use the restroom. she came back and i just looked at her without saying a word. i asked ,

 

"are you sure this is what you want?

 

she replied"im sorry. yes. "

 

she proceeded to call her mother to come pick her up while i moved the rest of my things.

we agreed to NC until the 13th. i stayed in our home until 6pm just looking at the pictures and love letters we had saved and placed in photo albums. i couldnt belive this was happening. i locked the door and went to my mothers.

 

by now its 7pm new years ever. i found this website and it has helped a bit but im still in shock to be able to not think about it every second.

 

while i was writing this she text messaged me at 12:30am "happy new year"

we always spent new years a her moms house but this time she went alone and i sit alone in my mother's house .(my family is out of town)

 

i dont really know what to do, my mom told me to give her her space and see what happens in 2 weeks. im at a loss and feel a depression that i thought i would never have to experience.I know that she does still love me, i think that she is confused and maybe scared of the future buit what ca i say? what can i do?

 

should i reply to her text message? how should i take it? why send me a text message 24 hours after b reaking my life in two saying happy new year? does she still care? or was this just a nice gesture knowing that i was missing her?

[katballoo]

Hi there,

 

You must be feeling like your guts are ripped out. But if she sent you Happy New Year, she still cares about you. If she is confused, some time wondering 'if' you'll have her back is going to do wonders.

 

Give her the space, don't plead, breathe exercise and let her go. It is so

true - if you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours, if they don't they never were'.

 

You cannot guilt her into loving you, but you can appear more attractive by being strong (even if you have to fake it). If your relationship was great, it will speak for itself. If she decides to leave, and then reflects on your relationship she can't help but remember it as great.

 

She needs to get her head together and this time without you will do that.

 

If you think it is rude to not reply, then certainly the pain she has inflicted more than justify you not replying and in some small way gaining back a bit of the power. She shouldn't be the only one calling the shots now.

 

I wish you well. It sounds like you had a great relationship.

 

Cheers

 

K

[marc from MI]

i really am at a loss, can no one help?

[Jubilee Kate]

Marc,

 

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with your mother, give her some space and see what happens. If you don't give her this time, you will definitely push her away. Has she been acting at all indifferent toward you recently?

 

During this time apart, as much as it sucks and will be hard, you should focus on you and comforting yourself and not on the "whys". You'll drive yourself nuts if you try to figure out why this happened. If she's feeling trapped, she may need more than two weeks. You will also need to come to terms with the fact that after the two weeks she may still be in the same place she is at now - she may not want to reconcile. I wouldn't reply to her message. Just let things be and focus on your for a while. Go out with friends and keep busy. Good luck, I wish you the best!

[upsetnhurt]

Marc,

 

So sorry this happened as you seem like a good guy yet realize her issues have nothing to do with you persay. She has problems that she herself will need to work through and she has chosen to do this without you in the picture. I agree with the past poster in that any contact from you at this point will simply push her further away (even if you think you are being sweet). You need to show her that her decisions have consequences and your heart is not one to be toyed with. You both made a big investment in being together and she simply walks in and tells you that she wants out. You should be thanking god that this happened now and not later on in the relationship.

[theplastickid]

Marc you just described my situation almost 100% it is really very hard. I broke up with my ex on december the 16th and she still dosn't contact me. Almost as if she does not care and I did NOTHING wrong! She even admits it. I am moving away on the 8th, she made it clear she didn't want me in her life. I am just going to wait and see if she contacts me before the 8th.

 

They need time to miss you dude.

[marc from MI]

so basically i should do nothing? that seems very tough at this point.

 

I did speak to her this morning because i needed to find out if she paid the rent. i called and said " hey do i need to go over and pay the rent or did you already take care of it?"

she replied that i should go take care of it. and then she asked how i was.

i told her i was confused and she pretty much said well we'll talk in 2 weeks.

 

im not going to speak to her until the 2 weeks is up, but all im doing is worrying about what will happen in 2 weks?

will she tell me its over?

will she ask me to come back?

will she say she needs more time?

 

i know i should not think about this but i cant concentrate on anything else. everything around me reminds me of some time with us.

 

i agree with what you guys said, to set her free and if she doesnt come back then it wasnt meant to be. but i want to try and avoid what you always here from these old guys that tell you stories about how they let their one true love go. i cant imagine myself saying this in 20 years.

 

she has ALOT of pride. i cant help but think that maybe she wil want to come back but will be scared to say anything.

 

i know all of this is garbled up emotions spewing onto a message board , but i really have no where else to turn to vent my feelings and concerns. all my friends are macho douchebags who have had a different girl every week, they dont understand.its nice to have support from a totally neutral party. not to mention pretty much all of our friends are other couples .that are friends with both of us.

 

i guess all i can do at this point is wait. i just keep looking back at all of the little things that i maybe didnt do that i could have, to keep things interesting.

 

also, there is a possibility that she sent that text message to everyone in her phone as a bulk message.

[marc from MI]

 

\Has she been acting at all indifferent toward you recently?

 

 

now that ive had a day or two to reflect i suppose she has, but i didnt notice at the time. i feel like a real ***hole. like i let her down. she had mentioned before that we didnt do anything anymore and that she was bored but i took it as a "sunday afternoon boredom" type deal that everyone gets. i pretty much blew it off like an idiot, what was i thinking???

[Woggle]

The best way right now is to live it up and enjoy life withour her. I really don't know why but the best way to get a woman back is to be happy withour her. If she doesn't come back it is not the end of the world. There are more fish in the sea.

[theplastickid]

Marc do you have MSN messenger? I am going through exactally the same thing. Maybe it would be good to talk about it... Only I am 2 weeks in...

[marc from MI]

yes i do, and i will be happy to talk to anyone, even if i dont have answers sometimes the best thing is someone who will listen.

 

my messenger email is [email protected]

[Nanachu]

Hi Marc,

 

I am so sorry to hear that. I just had a bad break-up, too. Anyway, if you have not, please please please read what TheKhris said here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t96092/

 

As he and others said here, you cannot make someone love you. But, in your case, it sounds like she still has some feelings for you. NC is a key to give her time ans space to appreciate you. If you do not think what TheKhris suggests in two weeks, I recommend you even postpone the talk not saying that I am sad and am not ready to talk... Rather, come up with some excuses if possible. But, it is a key for you not be a doormat for her, OK?

 

Please read his message carefully. Some people completely disagree with him, but I agree with him. He is not suggesting manipulation, rather awakening someone's love, which could have been sleeping since they got used to get it so easily and stop appreciating it. You can kill it if you move incorrectly. Self-restriction is important here, don't go with "no game" "being sincere" "honest to your own feeling" when you just want to spoil yourself to go with whatever you feel that is "easy" to you.

 

It may not work by the time you talk to her, but try to open the door of NC. Good luck!

[D-Lish]

Marc,

 

I read your post and was touched by your pain.

You're going to want to break contact before the two weeks is up- but don't do it. She'll respect you for giving her the space she has requested.

 

My ex said those same words to me "I don't love you" when he broke up with me. Those words still haunt me 4 months later. I remember saying "You don't love me anymore?" and he replied "You're going to make me say it aren't you? No, I'm sorry, I just don't". I replay that conversation over and over in my head.

 

Sometimes time gives them a chance to miss us... but it doesn't always happen that way. Don't beat yourself up over what you did or didn't do to cause this. You need a little time to let this sink in and put things into perspective. It might take more than 2 weeks for her to figure things out, so just be patient.

 

Keep posting- it really helps to vent.

[marc from MI]

im not going to break contact. i actually just read a book called"how to get your ex back" by brian caniglia. its fraking amazing. i have it as an e-book and anyone that wants to read it can get me on msn messenger [email protected]

 

it's about 80 pages and really has alot of good insight on how to follow through with no contact and how to better youself while you have NC.

 

i understand that there is always the possibilty that it IS over. what can i do if she doesnt want it? it would be time to move on.

 

its amazing how much better i am feeling toay compared to yesterday. just by reading this forum and reading a couple of books. i feel 100x better.

 

please give me input on how i should handle myself when i meet her after the 2 weeks-

 

should i let her do the talking?

should i not mention problkems we may have had?

 

what should i say?

 

how should i perceive all of this?

[hollywood24]

check out this thread to. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=70200

[D-Lish]

You have to let her bring up any of the heavy relationship talk.

You don't want to force her to talk about something unless she is ready or she'll feel pressured. You don't want her to feel pressured about anything, you want to make her feel at ease.

 

I'd keep the conversation light and positive.

Wear an outfit she likes you in- act happy and confident.

You want to remind her of the guy she fell in love with- so think back to the traits she admired about you when you first started dating and try to recreate that image.

 

I know you already know this- but keep the emotions in check, no begging. lol. If she says she has made the decision to move on- tell her you agree with her. Yes, you heard me- agree with her. No arguements!

It takes the wind out of someone's sails if you agree with them. It will also make her wonder why you are agreeing with the decision- it's reverse psychology... "what do you mean you don't want me?"

 

She'll be expecting you to try and convince her to come back...so do the unpredictable and be in agreement with her.

 

Don't go in with any expectations, that way you won't get disppointed. The best case scenario is that she may have had time to think and may have a change of heart. if this isn't the case- don't give up hope just yet. It may take longer than a couple weeks for her to realize she misses you.

 

Good luck,

D

[iamsofoolish80]

What to do when you meet her? Again...

 

Well, I'm going through a similar situation. My girl just asked for space. She feels lost, no identity, cold... we've been having lots of disagreements over my stress at work and i've been bringing it home... taking it out on everyone. Now I'm begging her and telling her I could change. Well, she's made up her mind... in terms of moving out and getting her own place, but she won't tell me, "I don't want to be with you". I asked, "Does this mean you don't want to be with me" and she cries and says, I didn't say that! In my situation, my girlfriend has admitted to her sister, her mother, my mother and me that she is still in love with me and loves me, but she is sooo stressed out from our disagreements and she just needs time to be alone and reflect on what it is that will make her happy. I've initiated contact last week, it's been 1 week and saw her last night. But last night was impactful for her because I've lost 25lbs since we last saw each other which was only 1 week, and I also had new clothing and fresh haircut. I had 1 dozen roses at hand and tonds of confidence. Well... it didn't last long, by the end of the night i was breaking down... worst mistake i could've done.

 

I say give her 30 days... u say 2 weeks? I dont think that's enough. The book I got says 30 days. Think about what has changed in yourself from the point that you met till now. Maybe she's just afraid fo commitment. Maybe someone told her something over the holidays that made her think? Does she have an ex she might have seen over the holidays? I mean, I think my girlfriend and I have the type of relationshp that if 7 years down the line I'm with someone else and this girl I'm with now comes back to me, I'd probably drop everything for her because she is amazing! Everyone wants to date her! Everyone loves her! She is the sweetest person and even during this whole break request she's been so sweet to me. Until recently, her anger is showing now, but I've been killing her with kindness.

 

I wouldn't discuss marriage... I wouldn't discuss your relationship... like the How to get your ex back book says... you need to start a new relationship. get them to enjoy your company again. Give her what she fell in love with. Did your relationship start getting boring recently?

 

Mine has every single fault in that book... it got boring cause I work so many hours now... I was fighting... lots of stress... right now she feels cold and isolated. It's anger. She's angry at me for not trying before... I took her for granted, but it doesn't mean I loved her less... I just couldn't find my way out of my mess going on in my life... so now I'm paying for it. But you have to start slowly... try to build your relationship again from step 1. You cannot have expectations. Remember... no expectations = no disappointments. Remember when you went on that first date? What expectations did you have? I had none, I just wanted to be friends with her and we neded dating and falling in love. So now I say the same... no expectations. It's hard as a rock... I'm not going to lie... I've been dying. And problem is that she and I did sooo many things together we have dates scheduled all month long! I can't lose money on tickets and stuff, so we're going, but we won't be discussing our relationship. NOw is my time to show her I can change and also, sport my slimer look. She met me at 195, I went up to 315, I'm back down to 280. By the time I see her again, I'll be down to 265 and down I'll keep going. From here till 3 months, I should be down to 215. By then I'm hoping she and I will be in a better place in our relationship. But we'll see... don't know if you're a religious man, but God has a plan for you... take it easy.

[marc from MI]

ok, this all good stuff guys!!!!!!

 

my original thought ws that i would show up based on what she says i would either end up breaking down or moving back that day.

 

thanks to the advice i have recieved, neither will happen. even if she begs me to come back.

 

D-LISH , holy crap you are right!!!! that makes total sense to me, flip it around on her. so say go there and she says , i need more time, should i just say....

 

"i agree that you need more time, i didnt think you would be able to work something that 2.5 years to build in 2 weeks. Just gimme a call when you think your ready to talk"

 

if she says" ive had time to think and im done"

then i say" i agree we shouldnt see each other for awhile."

 

if she says" i thought about it and i want you back"

i say " maybe we should take this slow, ill give you call, and we'll talk more"

 

how do those scenarios sound?

[Walk]

if she says" ive had time to think and im done"

then i say" i agree we shouldnt see each other for awhile."

 

if she says" i thought about it and i want you back"

i say " maybe we should take this slow, ill give you call, and we'll talk more"

 

how do those scenarios sound?

 

Change the first one to "I agree, have a good life." Definitive end. Solid, strong and confident ending. Not the "for a while" part that you stated above. Once over, it's over. Respect yourself enough to realize that you deserve someone who wants to be with you.